Weds Night Monologues: Ukraine Aid and Kanye Porn

Missed Wednesday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.

Minimum Johnson

After six months of needless delays (at least partly due to not-President Donald Trump suspiciously ordering Republicans to reject it) the House and Senate finally passed a major aid package to Ukraine this week. The package also contains military aid to Taiwan and, controversially considering the current climate, Israel. But at least everyone not on Vladimir Putin’s Christmas card list is happy about the badly needed Ukraine aid to combat the ongoing Russian invasion there.

So what finally tipped the scales away from Putin and toward necessary help for a battered nation fighting to fend off a fascist takeover? One Mike Johnson, improbably, as the far-right GOP House Speaker actually stood up to the pro-Putin Republican fringe threatening his job and allowed a vote, earning the traditional chorus of over-praise from politicians and media types equally wowed that a GOP politician in 2024 actually did the bare minimum. As The Daily Show‘s Jordan Klepper asked, not at all sarcastically, “I mean, we’re always praising the first responders, but what about the eventual responders, huh?”

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“Oh, ‘world peace,’ okay? Is peace the one with the tanks? Is that the one? I went to public school that wasn’t funded because they spent all that money on peace.”

jordan klepper

“I salute you, Mike Johnson. I mean, not now, but six months from now when I work up the courage to do it.”

Ronny chieng

“Yes, Taiwan. They’re not at war yet, but you’ve got to book a reservation in advance just to save your spot.”

jordan klepper

“So apparently Mike Johnson is the hero here. Sure, a couple of Ukrainian cities fell while he decided whether or not to be courageous, but he got around to it.” 

jordan klepper

TikTok and You Must Stop

Included in the $95.3 billion aid package signed by President Biden on Wednesday was a provision ordering Chinese-controlled social media video site TikTok to either find new ownership or cease American operations within the year. (Obviously, lawsuits are flying already.) With Donald Trump’s election fraud/hush money trial taking its customary Wednesday off, Jimmy Kimmel segued into contemplating the imminent TikTok-less internet, noting, “Without TikTok, where will I watch videos of wealthy teenagers crying in their cars?”

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“TikTok is banned in China. When a Chinese app is banned in China, there’s probably a reason for it.”

jimmy kimmel

[After the USDA decided not to move forward with a ban on chocolate milk in school lunches] “Can you imagine if Biden had banned TikTok and chocolate milk in the same week? There would have been a middle school January 6.”

jimmy kimmel

The Tennessee Bandoliers

The Tennessee legislature just passed a law allowing teachers and other staff to carry concealed handguns in schools. What could possibly go wrong? (See a list of all the ways this has gone predictably, sometimes tragically wrong here.) Opponents argue that, apart from being borderline criminally insane, this law prevents parents and even other teachers from knowing just who’s packing. Proponents of the new policy starting the countdown clock until the first report of a teacher leaving a loaded gun in the can counter that, in order to possess said guns, teachers will have to undergo mandatory training, licensing, and mental health evaluations. (Those same armed teacher proponents presumably shuffle their feet and whistle when asked why all prospective gun owners aren’t put through the same safety screenings.)

Ronny Chieng and Jordan Klepper joked through the shellshocked anger shared by many Tennessee educators, students, and parents on Wednesday. That after a contentious hearing saw shouting, pushing, sanctions, and assorted chaos break out over the issue of a state government guaranteeing more deadly weapons flood already beleaguered public schools.

“Congratulations! Now your shop teacher’s going to have two stories about how he accidentally lost a finger.”

jordan klepper

“Can students at least get to vote on which teacher gets the gun? ‘Cause my gym teacher was already on a massive power trip and all he had was a whistle.”

Ronny Chieng

Ye Olde Porno

Kimmel also used his largely Trump-less Wednesday to catch up with “another disturbed egomaniac, Kanye West,” who has announced his intention to become an adult film mogul.

“[Kanye] is reportedly about to enter the world of film, specifically the world of pornographic film. With a new studio that is being called Yeezy Porn, which is the next logical step after opening a Pre-K through 12th grade Christian private school.”

jimmy kimmel

“That’s the kind of business genius he is. He said, ‘You know what the internet could use? Some porn.'”

jimmy kimmel

Potpourri

[After RNC head Lara Trump stated that the organization was suing “81 states” over voting policies] “81 states. Not just Tennessee. Elevenesee, Twelvessee, West Dakota, South Virginia, Indiana, Outdiana—you name it, they’re suing.” 

jimmy kimmel

[On the Biden administration’s new rules requiring cash refunds for air travelers subjected to everything from cancelled flights to non-working wifi] “This is the greatest thing the government has ever done in history! Thank you, Joe Biden. Thank you for making my life better. Now just bring back Roe v. Wade so I don’t have to sit next to a crying baby on the red eye.”

Ronny chieng

[After a clip of Joe Biden comically crossing himself after noting that Trump believes windmills cause cancer] “You just got Corn-Popped, Trump.”

jimmy kimmel

“I think Biden’s disgust for Trump is whats keeping him alive. Might be the same for me too, I don’t know.” 

jimmy kimmel

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