Missed Wednesday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.
Republican National Embarrassment
One of the unintentional public services the GOP provided with this week’s Republican National Convention was gathering all its most vocal elected officials in one place. And while the noble city of Milwaukee may have to cope with a week-long flood of bigots, seditionists, and accused or convicted sex criminals (not to mention closeted but publicly anti-gay conservatives) during the event, the live parade of televised speeches have provided unwary viewers with a concentrated shot of Republican crazy.
Sure, some may note that the real, alarming story is how, for example, night two of the RNC saw swarms of white people waving pre-printed placards promising to enact Donald Trump’s plot to deport tens of millions of non-white people after putting them in concentration camps. Or that essentially every speaker deployed the same MAGA attacks against everyone from the LGBTQ+ community to women seeking control of their own bodies while espousing the straight-up white supremacist conspiracy theories that have become Republican mainstream policy. But perhaps the greatest asset Democrats have is in allowing these ranting wingnuts to show American undecided voters who they truly are. Couldn’t hurt.
[Singing after a montage of supposedly pro-unity GOP speakers’ divisive RNC rhetoric] “Kumbaya, my Lord, Kumbaya…”
Ronny Chieng
“The theme of night two was Making America Safe Again. Which got off to a bad start when Rudy Giuliani did an impression of his net worth and plummeted to the ground.”
ron ny chieng
[After West Virginia Governor Jim Justice teased the RNC crowd by asking if attendees want to meet his “little buddy”] “Well, that depends. Is your little buddy real or imaginary? Becaiuse in New York if somebody says, ‘Do you wanna meet my little buddy?,’ it’s a hard no.”
seth meyers
[Following a clip of Justice threatening political violence should Trump lose beside his happily obsese bulldog Babydog] “Why do I get the feeling they share a sleep apnea machine?”
jimmy fallon
[On J.D. Vance claiming the GOP has “a big tent”] “‘It’s a holding area where we’ll eventually keep the immigrants until we deport them. But tonight we’re gonna let Rudy Giuliani sleep there.'”
stephen colbert
[After RNC head Lara Trump proudly confessed that Donald Trump got her the job] “Yeah, we kind of figured that. But hey, I’m not hating. I would love to have a father-in-law who gives me a career. All my father-in-law gives me is anger that I haven’t given him a grandchild. Chill out man, I’ll hit it raw when I’m ready.”
ronny chieng
[After Trump family speaker Kimberly Guilfoyle claimed that the GOP was all about “love”] “‘This is all about love! And dont you forget it, you filthy, thieving immigrants! Now lets deport them all before they turn our dogs into trans cats!'”
stephen colbert
“Ex Trump adviser Peter Navarro was released from prison today and spoke at the convention tonight. It was part of the Republicans’ new scared straight program.”
jimmy fallon
[After WWII vet and Trump supporter Bill Pekrul told the crowd that we beat the Nazis] “For a while, Bill.”
stephen colbert
[After Arkansas Governor Sarah Huckabee Sanders followed testimony from people who’d lost loved ones to drugs and violence—with somber complains about being denied service in a restaurant and mocked in public] “Okay lady, you heard the speeches before you, right? There were people like, ‘My whole family’s addicted to fentanyl,’ and you’re like, ‘I know, right? And Chipotle totally skimped on my guac!'”
ronny chieng
[Addressing Matt Gaetz ambushing former Speaker Kevin McCarthy on the convention floor, only to be accused of having sex with underage girls in return] “If you have dirty laundry in your past, maybe don’t barge in on live TV interviews. ‘I’m gonna go interrupt McCarthy, what’s he gonna say about me? Sh*t, sh*t, sh*t!”
seth meyers
“Today, after questions about where Melania has been, Eric said that she ‘will be coming in full force.’ Meaning she was fully forced to come.”
jimmy fallon
[Responding to former presidential candidate Vivek Ramaswamy claiming that conservatism is the new punk] “All right you know what, f**k diversity. Bring back the white people.”
ronny chieng
“He expects us to believe all the cool kids are hanging out behind the bleachers like, ‘Hey after we’re finished not having sex, let’s fund offshore fracking.'”
ronny chieng
Peletromper, I Mean Tepelompter… Dammit!
The thing with being a bully is that you imagine you’re clever when you’re actually the dumbest organism a ten-mile radius. That’s an issue for Republicans, who delight in taking huge, self-satisfied swings at the lowest and most obvious fruit when it comes to President Joe Biden—and then whiff so hard they essentially auger themselves into the ground like it’s fracking season. One of the most frequent broadsides GOP-ers level at 81-year-old President Biden is that he… uses a teleprompter.
As Seth Meyers conceded, sure, Joe Biden may need the digital equivalent of cue cards to deliver a speech. But so do Republicans, as evidenced by Donald Trump’s meltdowns when his pre-written screeds don’t pop up on the electronic screens stretegically placed in every possible eyeline like they’re supposed to. Or when Ron Johnson’s staff claimed that the Wisconsin Senator’s teleprompter inexplicably showed the wrong speech at the RNC, which the less-than-extemporaneous Johnson dutifully read off in its entirety. Or when incessant Biden telepromter critic Mike Johnson had an epic bout of stage fright at the Republican National Convention that saw him fleeing the stage once his own speech-scrolling buddy shorted out. (Even though all he had left to do was announce the name of the speaker following him.) As Meyers put it of the karmically satisfying comeuppance, “Also, did you really need a teleprompter for just the very end part? All you needed to do was to keep your cool and say the name of the next speaker. Instead you bolted like a horse in a thunderstorm.”
“The difference is, unlike Republicans, I’m not out here making fun of anyone who has to use cue cards. Because I need my cue cards. Without those cue cards, I’m f**ked. One time as a prank, the staff paid Wally to hold up a blank cue card and I just sat here with my mouth slightly open until I fell asleep.”
seth meyers
“Sure, Biden mumbles, but Trump trails off like a radio station when you’re driving through the desert.”
seth meyers
“Trump mumbles so much he could be the third Duplass brother. What’s that? Have I overestimated how familiar you the audience are with the cinematioc genre of films known as mumblecore? Popularized in the early to mid-aughts? Films like Funny Ha ha, no? The Puffy Chair, anything,no? Kissing on the Mouth, any bells rung for the… Kissing on the Mouth? Well, you’re missing out on the art—and the punchline.”
seth meyers
[On Mike Johnson’s panicked exit] “Oh man, he ran from that teleprompter like it was a mob of Trump supporters storming the Capitol.”
seth meyers
“If MAGA had an Olympic relay team, they could use him and Josh Hawley.”
seth meyers
“If Johnson calls Biden a puppet don’t be surprised if we find out he’s got Donald Trump’s hand up his ass.”
seth meyers
“Look, I’m not gonna sit here and tell you Biden ain’t old. He old. We criticized him a fair amount on this show for his brutal debate performance and subsequent lackluster defense of that performance. But if I had the hardest job in the world, I too would need a teleprompter to remind me where the hell I am and what I’m talking about. You get 19 different briefings every morning on everything from national security to farms to fisheries, and then they’re whisking you from meetings in the Oval Office to the Situation Room to the Capitol to Marine One onto Air Force One to a conference call to a budget meeting and then off of Air Force One to a campaign rally to a NATO conference to a meet-and-greet with the “hawk tuah” girl. I’ll tell you this, she didn’t need a teleprompter, she was ready to go.”
seth meyers
With Liberty and Hypocrisy for All
From the start, the Republican presidential race was something of a farce. The GOP is Trump now, and all the other candidates could only snipe from the also-ran seats as the twice-impeached insurrectionist, 34-times convicted felon, adjudicated rapist, and multiply accused further sex criminal ran away with it. Which became a bit awkward during this year’s RNC, when former vocal Trump critics Nikki Haley (who called Trump “diminshed” and “unhinged”), Doug Burgum (“I wouldn’t do business with Donald Trump”), and newly-ordained VP pick J.D. Vance (who famously called his new boss “America’s Hitler”) kissed the ring and fell in line with their former rival, because GOP scruples are not a thing.
[After a clip of Haley saying forcefully, “We can’t win” with Trump as nominee] “Oops, my bad. That was the wrong clip. That was from five months ago.”
jimmy kimmel live guest host anthony anderson
“Today, J.D. Vance gave his first speech as Trump’s running mate. Vance started out by saying, ‘All that comparing Trump to Hitler stuff? Full take-backsies.'”
jimmy fallon
[On former candidate Doug Burgum fawning over Trump] “I’m sorry, i dont even remember your name and i just said it. Sorry it’s Turd Bergman?”
stephen colbert
[On Haley claiming, “And let me make one thing perfectly clear—Donald Trump has my strong endorsement, period.”] “And let me make one thing perfectly clear, you are a total sellout with no spine, period.”
anthony anderson
You Hip-Hop And For the Love of God, Stop
In an attempt to woo Black voters(?), the RNC recruited rappers(?) Forgiato Blow and Amber Rose to reate a rap video for the RNC. The resulting song(?) entitled “Trump Trump Baby” played to mostly uncomfortable silence, with attendees either wondering how low-effort it is to just steal from Vanilla Ice and/or how these two non-white people with facial tattoos got past security. With Donald Trump polling historically low with Balck voters, the jury’s still out on whether “Trump Trump Baby” will reverse the centuries-long trend of Black Americans overwhelming voting against overtly hateful bigots. Oh wait, the jury has come back. Yeah, it did not work.
“I didn’t think it was possible to dishonor Vanilla Ice, but…”
ronny chieng
“Haven’t Donald Trump’s ears been through enough though?”
anthony anderson
“Speaking of the whitest things of all time, today was day three of the Republican National Convention. And so far the biggest stars to show up have been Amber Rose, the daughter from Chrisley Knows Best, and Blippi.”
jimmy fallon
“I’d tell you who’s speaking tomorrow, but I don’t want to spoil the next season of The Masked Singer.”
jimmy fallon
“In fact, I wish I got shot in the ear so I didn’t have to listen to that sh*t.”
ronny chieng
“But I’m looking forward to all the MAGA rap groups performing this week. There’s Run RNC, Assault-N-Pepa, Bone Spurs-N-Harmony, Cypress Hillary’s Emails. Oh and here’s my favorite, the Wu Klux Klan.”
anthony anderson
“Did Republicans forget? They have Kanye now. I know, I know, he’s a bit of a Nazi now but I don’t think this room will mind.”
ronny chieng
Potpourri
“In an effort to apeal to seniors, the Biden campaign hosted a rock and roll doo-wop party over Zoom. God almighty, that sentence got more depressing the longer it went on.”
jimmy fallon
“Today also happens to be World Emoji Day. I have to say I’m very smiley face with heart eyes, praying hands and fried shrimp about it.”
anthony anderson
[On a sneaker-based recent lawsuit] “Sketchers vs. L.L. Bean. It’s being described as the whitest lawsuit of all time.”
jimmy fallon
[On Doug Burgum promising Trump will win the A.I. race with China] “‘We must assure that Americas fake girlfriends have the most arms!'”
stephen colbert
“We didn’t have emojis when I was growing up. If I wanted a booty call, I had to mail an actual eggplant to girls through FedEx.”
anthony anderson
[As Trump, on J.D. Vance] “‘He’s like the son i never had. What? How many? Okay, well he’s the bearded son i never had. What? How many?'”
stephen colbert
“Colombian cartels have hit a slowdown in sales now that the country has too much cocaine. You can tell they need help because they just flashed the Don Jr symbol.”
jimmy fallon
[On J.D. Vance hosting a sit-down with cryptocurrency investors and Trump] “Can you imagine being stuck at a dinner between crypto bros and Donald Trump? ‘What’s that? Yes please explain blockchain to me again. Interesting, so it’s a lot of numbers.’ I’m sorry, what’s that, sir? Oh, i would totally choose electricution over shark. Excuse me, waiter? I’ll have the Chicken á la Cyanide.'”
stephen colbert
“According to a new study, men with beards make more stable romantic partners than clean-shaven men.The study comes from the latest issue of Beard Zaddy Monthly.”
anthony anderson
“Red Robin is hoping to attract new customers by adding over 30 bottomless offerings to their menu. So far it’s brought in hundreds of guys who thought bottomless meant something else.”
jimmy fallon
[On the Emmys] “The Bear now holds the record for most nominations for a comedy that’s not actually a comedy.”
anthony anderson
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