Weds Night Monologues: Fishing for Undecideds

Missed Wednesday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.

Those Hard to Reach Demos

With the most pivotal presidential election since, well, the last one a mere 19 days away, both Kamala Harris and Donald Trump are making their final, concerted pushes for undecided voters. You know, those fickle holdouts who are definitely hard-thinking sticklers for detailed policy proposals and not—we repeat not—self-obsessed weirdos who just looove the drama.

So while Donald Trump ramps up his already disqualifying-in-any-functional society bigotry and goes into musical fugue states onstage when not spouting predictable lies to fake “town halls” packed with obliging right-wing activists, and Harris puts out targeted action plans to help communities in which she’s trailing while heading into the lying den that is Fox News for interviews, late-night hosts are left to parse just how far each is willing to go to snap up the last few remaining up-for-grab voters.

YouTube player

“In the race for President there are certain demographics that the candidates can depend on. For instance, Donald Trump has locked down evangelicals, blue collar men, teenage boys who call their mom ‘bitch,’ frat boys who sing the n-word in rap songs, and Americans who consider Joe Rogan their primary care physician.” 

desi lydic

“In the past few days, Kamala has gone on The Breakfast Club, Roland Martin, The Shade Room—all the shows that make your racist uncle lock the car doors when they come on the radio.”

desi lydic

[On Harris’ targeted pitch to Black men, including incentives for small businesses and legalizing recreational marijuana] “And legalizing weed should be popular too. But Kamala is a former prosecutor, so it’s always a little suspicious when a cop approaches Black men to offer them marijuana. ‘Psst, hey I heard you guys like drugs.'” 

desi lydic

[On former President Obama calling out Black men for their sexism in not supporting Harris as vocally as they did him] “I think this was the first time someone told an entire demographic it was grounded.” 

desi lydic

“And I feel bad for the guys in that room. They were like, ‘President Obama’s coming in today, what’s he gonna talk about?’ ‘How much you suck sh*t!'”

desi lydic

[On Trump exclaiming “I love Black men” upon polls showing he’s attracting less than 20 percent of them] “‘Black men.’ ‘Black men.’ He says it like he’s been practicing really hard not to call them something else.”

desi lydic

Like Shooting Fish in a Cracker Barrel

With all of Donald Trump’s unpopularity among women voters (it’s all the rape and scheming to take away their human rights, isn’t it?), the GOP candidate went on the offensive against his female base yesterday. (No, not like that.) Agreeing to an all-woman town hall with Fox News figure Harris Faulkner in a countrified, hay bale-strewn set that Jimmy Kimmel speculated to be “a haunted Cracker Barrel,” Trump carefully laid out a complicated and detailed vision where conservative views were balanced against women’s rights.

Naw, I’m just f**king with you. Trump rambled on incoherently to a roomful of hand-picked right-wing female Trump supporters (something Fox definitely did not disclose), creepily and inexplicably proclaimed himself the “father” of a widely-employed fertility treatment that his party is actively attempting to ban, and was decidedly not asked by Faulkner or his audience full of ringers anything about his long and legally-judged history of being a sex creep. Yeah, that ought to fix it.

YouTube player

[On the old-timey set] “It’s a reminder of the good old days when men were men and women weren’t allowed to vote.”

desi lydic

“This is the first time Groper Cleveland has been around this many women since they started padlocking the doors at Miss Teen USA.”

jimmy kimmel

“And I know what you’re thinking, ‘But Desi, he’s groped so many women.’ I know, and yet he trails.”

desi lydic

“But then it comes to women voters, Trump is polling slightly below a yeast infection.”

desi lydic

“Now he’s claiming to be the father of IVF, which has been happening since 1978. This guy won’t even admit to being the father of Eric.”

jimmy kimmel

[On Trump’s baffling “I’m the father of IVF” brag] “It’s not enough for you to say that you support IVF, you’ve gotta make it weird and say, ‘I’m the father of IVF.’ Sounds like he broke into the lab and fertilized all the eggs with his own puddin’. Now I can never eat pudding again.”

desi lydic

“So Darth Trump is IVF’s father, I didn’t see that coming.” 

desi lydic

“This town hall, it was in two parts. In the first part, the women asked questions. In the second part, Trump went through and rated them physically from one to 10.”

jimmy kimmel

[After Trump responded to one conservative woman’s question about trans women in sports with a promise to ban trans women from sports as president] “Yes as everyone knows, the President has three major responsibilities. Commanding the military, signing bills into law, and personally managing the rules for every JV field hockey team. It’s right there in the Constitution on page What the F**k Are You Talking About?”

desi lydic

Raiding the Fox Coup

Meanwhile, as Donald Trump preached gibberish to the choir, ducked debates, and dropped out of scheduled interviews with journalists who might ask actual follow-up questions, Kamala Harris went on Fox News for a Wednesday interview with Fox News’ Bret Baier. And while Baier is presented as Fox’s “real news” guy who’s occasionally willing/allowed to question the sort of propaganda narratives that saw his network fork over $750 million rather than get shut down over its campaign of lies about 2020 election fraud, the interview saw Baier repeatedly talk over the more-than-not-having-any-of-that Harris, play a deceptively edited clip about Trump’s on the record promise to sic the military on people who don’t support him, and generally prove that being the best journalist at Fox News is like being the least hungry guy at the cannibal buffet.

[On Harris appearing on Fox] “If you’re still watching this on your television it means that grandpa didn’t shoot it I guess.”

jimmy kimmel

[On Trump whining the Fox was giving Harris air time] “Trump has said that Fox has grown ‘so weak and soft’ on the Democrats. Which is—it’s true. They barely accuse us of eating babies any more.”

jimmy kimmel

He Really Understood There Would Be No Math

Here’s to the Trump camp for allowing their candidate to keep appearing at economic clubs and forums. Agreeing to Q&A’s with economy nerds who know the system inside and out and who demand the specific, math-based theories behind every stated policy proposal? What could possibly go wrong?

Oh, right, it’s Donald Trump the guy who clearly has no idea what tariffs do and says the key to fighting inflation is [checks notes for verbatim quote so as not to be accused of trying to make the GOP nominee sound like a babbling ninny] “You make donuts. You have the stoves. You have the this. Everything has evolved.” Sitting down for an ill-advised on-on-one with constitutionally unimpressed Brit and Bloomberg News Editor-in-Chief John Micklethwait on Tuesday—again, stellar work, Team Trump—the guy who managed to bankrupt casinos tossed out the sort of “I didn’t do the reading” answers that see your former economics professors call you “a real dumbf**k.

YouTube player

“You know how a couple of days ago, Trump had this musical tribute to cognitive decline? Well, at the Chicago Economic Club, he acted like a guy who really woke up on the wrong side of the dementia.” 

stephen colbert

[After Micklethwait confirmed that 68 percent of economists surveyed said that Trump’s economic plan would lead to higher prices compared to Harris’] “68 percent. 68! It should enrage all Americans that they couldn’t add one more point and make that number nice. If you know what I mean. Nice. [Holds out hand] Peabody please.”

stephen colbert

[On a hunched-over, scowling, arms-crossed Trump petulantly saying everyone but him is wrong for saying Trump’s plan would cause the deficit to skyrocket] “And folks wonder why I don’t want to have that charmer back on my show. Can you imagine him taking the Colbert Questionert? ‘What happens after we die? I don’t die. You all die. I’m the only one who’s real. But when you do die, I put on ‘Ave Maria’ and I have a little dance like this.'”

stephen colbert

[On Trump claiming “tariff is my favorite word”] “I love tariff, it’s my favorite word and I use it all the time. Like, ‘Tariff a piece of that pizza and put it my mouth… That’s why I love Chinese tariffs.'”

stephen colbert

[After Micklethwait tried—and failed—to get Trump to commit to a peaceful transfer of power if he loses again, with Trump claiming that’s exactly what he did the first time] “Sure, after your violent coup failed. That’s just like the famous words of Jefferson Davis, ‘Ultimately we all agreed to end slavery. Smoke bomb!'”

stephen colbert

[After Trump refused to deny claims he’s been illegally negotiating with Vladimir Putin since he left office by basically saying, “I didn’t do it—but it’d be super-great if I did do it. I totally did it.”] “Smooth. Oh he’s smooth. ‘Your honor, I’m not gonna comment on whether or not I murdered my uncle. But as the sole heir to his fortune, if I did that’d be some pretty smart stabbin’, don’t you think? The defense rests. Now can someone hand me back my lucky stabbin’ knife.'”

stephen colbert

Georgia Rules

Early voting in Georgia saw a massive 123 percent rise in the number of first-day ballots cast. And while such a groundswell of patriotic duty from the traditionally laissez-faire American voting populace should be grounds for state pride, Trump operatives are sweating through their shorts.

Is that because, despite every legal and illegal method they’ve thrown up to prevent people in groups and communities that overwhelmingly vote Democrat from casting ballots, Georgia voters are thronging to make sure their votes are counted? Or because Trump’s backers know that their ideas are throwback, racist, sexist, bigoted trash and that the only way they can prevail is through voter suppression of the voters they’re actively trying to oppress? Or maybe it’s because Georgia is where Donald Trump got indicted for literally ordering state officials to rig the tally in his favor and Georgians don’t play that.

I mean, who can say. At any rate, here’s to you, Georgia voters.

“Oh hell yeah. You go Georgia. I say Georgia, you’ve always been one of my favorite southern states, right after Mississippi. I mean, the curves on that river. I mean, is there a Mister Ssippi?” 

stephen colbert

[On reports of over 300 thousand early Georgia voters turning out on day one of early voting] “Because Americans show up for only two things: to defend their civil rights and when Hailey Bieber launches a skin care pop-up. If you’re in that line, stay in that line—what are the chances you’re ever going to find lotion again in your life?”

stephen colbert

[On former President and 100-year-old Georgia native being one of those early Kamala Harris voters] “You are now my favorite Carter! Deal with it Beyoncé.”

stephen colbert

[On a young Harris voter explaining how easy it is to vote early] “Okay that’s great, but also, Shhhhh. Don’t let Georgia Republicans hear that voting is easy this year. They’ll put the ballot box on top of the American Ninja Warrior salmon ladder.”

stephen colbert

[On courts striking down an egregiously crooked Georgia GOP plan to not certify the vote if Harris wins, citing the meaning of the law’s “shall certify,” as in, “You shall not pass”] “That’s right, oh hell yeah. C’mon, Gandalf for the win!”

stephen colbert

Frygate

Of course, Donald Trump doesn’t have time to actually formulate policies that aren’t egregiously racist, fascist, and/or deeply stupid, he’s got bigger fish to fry. Or potatoes rather, as the Trump camp has focused on the most pressing issue for American voters—whether Kamala Harris worked at McDonald’s as a teenager. Holding up the smoking, oil-soaked gun that the Vice President not once has listed her reported teenage time working the fryolator on any of her resumes for becoming District Attorney or the Vice president of the United States, Team Trump has booked their junk food addict candidate for a shift-let working the deep-fat fryer at a swing state McD’s to show… something?

(On a related note for patrons of that particular restaurant: Just imagine what fryer steam does to pancake face makeup. Bon appétit.)

“One of the people who’s been challenging the Vice President’s employment history is Trump’s campaign spokesman, this guy Steven Cheung. Which is ironic because he looks like what would happen if you skinned Grimace.

JIMMY KIMMEL

“But this is a win-win for Trump because working the deep fryer will give him a new skill he could potentially put to use in the prison cafeteria.”

jimmy kimmel

Steve’s Got a Theory

President Joe Biden, addressing Trump’s recent campaign rally episode where the former chief executive swayed absently to his iPod Shuffle for 39 minutes onstage, asked, “What’s wrong with that guy?” Stephen Colbert has some thoughts.

“Well, if you’re asking seriously, I would say it’s his narcissistic personality disorder exacerbated by the cruelty of a father who saw his son not as a person in need of love but as an extension of his own inadequacies, and now as he reaches his twilight years, the personality disorder is amplifying symptoms of dementia, which makes sense given that some studies have shown narcissists may be more prone to Alzheimers because their brains are wired to be inward-focused and less stimulated by social connection. Plus, he’s got a big old butt and it makes him walk funny.”

stephen colbert

Potpourri

[On Wednesday being National Boss’ Day] “And the reason we celebrate it is because we are a real bunch of ass-kissers here.”

jimmy kimmel

“Tim Walz gets more Midwestern with each appearance. At this point by election day’s he’s gonna be breaded and deep-fried.”

stephen colbert

[After Walz, addressing Trump’s otherwise mock-able behavior, stated “It’s pretty funny stuff if he wasn’t trying to (insert terrible Trump proposals on women’s rights, healthcare, etc.)”] “Well said, Governor. It is hard to find something funny while also being threatened.There’s a reason why the signs here in the studio say ‘Applause’ and not ‘We have your Nana.'”

stephen colbert

[On Trump’s rant against hydrogen powered cars, which he claims can explode] “You know, some believe that if any car explodes, you’re dead. Gasoline isn’t exactly something you fill the pool with.”

jimmy kimmel


Receive our daily monologue round-ups via email: sign up here.

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *