Missed Tuesday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.
Cold-Blooded Assassin or Avenging Smokeshow—You Decide
The discourse surrounding the capture of the suspected killer of a healthcare industry CEO continues to offer up a sobering glimpse into America’s whole deal. News pundits cluck-cluck at people expressing support for suspected killer Luigi Mangione, who it seems targeted UnitedHealthcare head Brian Thompson specifically in protest of the undeniably unjust, greedy, and callous nature of literally every health insurer in the nation. They also marvel that a media-obsessed online culture would notice the suspected assassin’s physical attractiveness, because being performatively judgmental comes with the cable news gig.
Late-night hosts are in the position to picki and choose what to mock and what to focus on. Sure, there are lots (and lots) of jokes about the suspect’s name and its lyrically cartoonish vibe. (Cue “It’s a-me, Mario!” jokes as far as the ear can hear.) And hosts took various shots at their straight news colleagues for condemning the “he’s so cute” rhetoric while spending many, many segments shaking their heads sadly over that one photo of Mangione and his action figure abs. Jimmy Kimmel even happily threw his own staff under the bus, showing off name-redacted thirst tweets from his coworkers and their friends.
It’s a measure of a comedian how ably they can take all facets of a complex, hot-button issue and spin it into something as funny as it is insightful. And the degree of difficulty on this one is as high as it gets, encompassing as it does everything from vigilante justice against a rich white guy (in a city where another “hot” white guy just got acquitted for murdering a poor Black man in cold blood) to the epidemic of young men deciding that gun violence is the ideal solution to their life’s dissatisfactions, to the way that our media-sphere continually chooses to rotate around the least important aspect of important stories.
As The Daily Show‘s Michael Kosta, in a rare moment of sincerity from the perpetually cheeky anchor, admitted that the killer’s gripes with this country’s criminally corrupt and venal healthcare system is understandable, he also took umbrage with those engaging in the online adulation/thirst. “Shooting a real person in the back is not heroic and it’s not going to get people what they want,” Kosta summed up his actual feelings (between cheeky plugs for his recently published memoir) before urging people to instead join those organizing for universal health care and voting for politicians willing to do the same. Kimmel got uncharacteristically serious, too, noting, “Sometimes when people identify with why a crime was committed, we lose sight of the reality of that crime.” Not funny necessarily, but on-point, which is half the battle.
Comedians—good ones anyway—see through the posturing and the easy, lazy, sometimes violently simplistic words and actions of others and offer a more layered (and somehow funny) alternative. And sometimes they just make Italian jokes.
“For the last few days there’s been a killer on the loose in America. Well, there’s actually tons of killers on the loose in America. But this one killed someone important, so they were really looking for him.”
michael kosta
“I’m not sure what this says about us, but ever since these photos of him came out… Ryan Murphy is flying to Netflix headquarters right now on a jetpack.”
jimmy kimmel
[On a newsreader condemning online support of Mangione by reading the comments on air] “‘Yes, these horrible comments should never be repeated. And now let me read all of them on national television.'”
michael kosta
[On the breathless news report that valedictorian Mangione wore a carnation at his private school graduation ceremony] “Oooh, a carnation in his buttonhole. Not like one of those peasants who fills his buttonhole with…buttons, I guess.”
michael kosta
“But I have to say it feels kind of good. We’re moving away from non-stop election coverage and back to drooling over a cold-blooded murderer’s eyebrows and abs. I think that might be progress?”
jimmy kimmel
[On a pundit demanding that CNN remove the chyron so viewers could see Mangione’s shirtless pick in full] “I love how CNN is like, ‘I can’t believe how people are romanticizing this monster—control room, can we zoom in on his giant dong?'”
michael kosta
“Mangione has become something of an internet celebrity, and people are not thrilled with the McDonald’s employees who McFingered him.”
stephen colbert
[On people review-bombing the Altoona restaurant] “You know what they say, snitches get Filet-O-Fishes.”
stephen colbert
“It’s surprising that he comes from such a privileged background. He’s not really the kind of guy you’d expect to become a murderer. I mean, I’d expect him to crash the housing market but not kill a guy.”
michael kosta
“The assassin’s name is Luigi Mangione? Did they find him hiding in a big pipe?”
michael kosta
“It’s okay, I can make fun of Italians because Italians annoy the sh*t out of me.”
michael kosta
So Sexy He Only Slays Audiences
In less problematic hot dude news, none other than late-night’s own Stephen Colbert was just named the sexiest man in America—by a sports wagering website with very suspect editorial oversight. That’s right, as Colbert bragged in mock humility, he is now officially hotter than any other American male, living or dead. (There are really comprehensive rankings people, the sort you only get from legal if marginal wagering sites.)
Colbert preened in all his officially validated sexy glory, knowing that he beat out not only not-alive-any-more fellow CBS icon Walter Cronkite, CBS reality show host Jeff Probst, and even not American Jude Law, who managed the impressive feat of making a sexiest man in America list while being British, even if he was edged out by recently retired game show mannequin Pat Sajak. Look, don’t question it. It’s science.
“Other hosts may have their Emmys. But I won Outstanding Achievement in Sexy from BetUS, America’s top online gambling website that is not the ones you’ve heard of.”
stephen colbert
[On the list’s questionable grammar] “BetUS is never wrong about anything. And if you disagree, then you and I has a problem.”
stephen colbert
[On beating out news legend Walter Cronkite] “Yeah, take that, Walt. I am sexier than you and that’s…the way it is.”
stephen colbert
[On the introduction claiming that too many of these lists are based around looks] “Okay, that stings a little. Don’t let BetUS write your wedding vows.”
stephen colbert
The Crazy Pills Are in the Cabinet
Stephen Colbert noticed a puzzling trend—an alarming number of Donald Trump’s deeply, terrifyingly unqualified cabinet picks are also peddling even more sketchy and unregulated pills. (While others are just woefully corrupt, sexually predatory, obvious agents sent to destroy the very agencies they’ve been nominated to lead, and/or just plain bananas.)
Joining them instead of doing the other thing, Colbert introduced his own product, Dr. Stephen Colbert’s Miracle Pudding Pills, which either grow you a penis or get yours super-erect, and which may or may not just be M&M’s with the letters licked off. Thankfully, Trump’s new FDA pick isn’t all uptight about science and regulation and conflicts of interest, so keep those pudding pills flowing.
[On Kash Patel selling pills he claims will remove that nasty Covid vaccine from your body] “Oh, so maybe Nicki Minaj’s cousin’s friend was right, it does inflate your testicles. It must, because selling these fake pills takes giant balls.”
stephen colbert
[On RFK Jr boasting of his supplement-selling appeal to “crunchy moms”] “Crunchy Moms of course, also Kellogg’s least successful breakfast cereal. [Tony the Tiger voice] ‘They’rrreeeeee yer mom!'”
stephen colbert
[On accused rapist and workplace drunk Pete Hegseth approaching “key women” senators for support] “Speaking of women and keys, they’re great things to put between your knuckles if you’re approached by Pete Hegseth.”
stephen colbert
[On the Defense Secretary nominee claiming his bias against women in the military is being weaponized by his enemies] “Yes, the media is so unfair. Let’s hear the comments that have been so brutally twisted and misconstrued. [Clip of Hegseth saying, “I’m straight-up just saying we should not have women in combat roles”] Okay, that sounds pretty construed to me.”
stephen colbert
“But in Pete’s defense, that clip was from all the way back when Pete was one month ago.”
stephen colbert
[On Trump naming Kimberly Guilfoyle Ambassador to Greece, seemingly to keep her away from now ex-fiancé Don Jr.] “He made her ambassador to one of the farthest countries possible.”
jimmy kimmel
[On Trump lobbying to have daughter-in-law Lara appointed to take over Marco Rubio’s Senate seat] “
jimmy kimmel
He has more relatives working at the White House than I do relatives working at this show right now.”
“Maybe it’s Trump’s way to tell her to please stop singing? I don’t know.”
jimmy kimmel
“If Lara becomes a senator, who’s gonna walk Eric?”
jimmy kimmel
[Noting that Trump’s IRS pick Billy Long once put forth a bill to disband the IRS] “Do all of Trump’s nominees want to destroy the agency they’re going to lead? I look forward to Secretary of Agriculture, Jim Locust.”
stephen colbert
“The House last week voted to block the release of an ethics committee report on Florida Congressman Matt Gaetz. They decided it would be unfair to release the report this close to a student council election.”
seth meyers
[On withdrawn-in-disgrace Trump nominee Matt Gaetz scoring a gig at OAN] “For those who aren’t familiar with OAN, it’s like Fox News but crazier and younger, which is just the way Matt Gaetz likes it.”
jimmy kimmel
“Fox News compared to OAN—you know how some guys get tired of regular porn, start looking at tentacles and stuff? That’s how OAN compares to Fox News.”
jimmy kimmel
“Quick message to all the female interns at OAN—hide.”
jimmy kimmel
And Person Who…
Anyone watching topical TV comedians over the past decade or so has probably noticed the proliferation of a particular kind of joke. Over a usually unflattering (or at least unnervingly representative) photo of the controversial figure in question, the joke goes something like, “[Official title] and [fake position or quality based on unflattering photo], [person’s name.]”
Even when used effectively (John Oliver, Colbert, and SNL‘s Weekend Update anchors), it’s a zingy hit job based largely on physical appearance, although the more ambitious gags rope in some more substantive dirt on the target. Is the joke effective? Well, in a late-night political comedy landscape where hosts have to wonder if anything they can do to make fun of the endless parade of corrupt clowns they cover actually makes a difference, these bits function as a little juvenile tension relief at least. Anyway, here are Stephen Colbert’s such slideshow zingers, with accompanying annotation.
[Over that photo of Pete Hegseth emerging from a pool and showing off his deeply suspect tattoos] “Today was a big day for Trump’s Secretary of Defense nominee and gym teacher who shows up uninvited to the senior pool party, Pete Hegseth.”
stephen colbert
[On the eye-bugging official photo of Trump’s FBI pick and seller of fraudulent anti-vaccine pills, Kash Patel] “Kash Patel, seen here after doing a booster dose of Vitamin Crank.”
stephen colbert
“HHS nominee and angry Slim Jim, RFK Jr.”
stephen colbert
[Over a man with a very large head] “Trump is picking unqualified folks for all his top posts because this weekend we learned that his pick to lead the IRS is former Missouri congressman and star of the new CBS sitcom, Principal Bullfrog, Billy Long.”
stephen colbert
Potpourri
[After aged Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell was injured in a fall on Tuesday] “Thankfully McConnell is doing okay and should have no problem getting ready for his upcoming fight with Jake Paul.”
jimmy fallon
[On the volatile situation of liberated Syria] “The Biden administration is reportedly worried that Syrian rebels could replace the fallen government with something worse. You know, like we did.”
seth meyers
[On the shortlist for Time‘s Person of the Year] “Can you imagine if Elon Musk gets person of the year over Donald Trump? That’ll be the end of that relationship. That bromance will blow up like a SpaceX rocket.”
jimmy kimmel
[On Trump hawking a $1 million dinner with himself and J.D. Vance to donors] “And for two million, he won’t bring Vance.”
seth meyers
[On Melania Trump’s worries that son Barron won’t have a normal college experience] “Sure, I mean he’s the white child of a famous rich guy at NYU. He’ll stick out like a regular thumb.”
seth meyers
“For the first time ever, you can now buy a car directly on Amazon. The only hiccup is that since it’s Amazon, your car will be delivered in 4,000 separate packages.”
jimmy fallon
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