
Missed Tuesday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.
Swamped With Bullsh*t
Mocking Donald Trump and his MAGA minions both inside the right-wing mediascape and out is a delicate thing during a natural disaster. The ongoing devastation wrought by Hurricane Helene—and the soul-crushing pile-on of an even more potentially destructive storm in Hurricane Milton—has left coastal Southern states reeling, with floodwaters and high winds destroying homes and businesses and leaving untold thousands of residents shellshocked. So making with the late-night jokes about current events might come off as crass—if there weren’t a big idiot lying about literally every aspect of this national crisis to aid his floundering presidential campaign.
Yes, Donald Trump is that big idiot—points for early guessing—as the 34-time convicted felon and infamous paper towel dispenser has spent the days since Helene hit landfall tossing out a flabby barrage of misinformation, slander, conspiracy theories, and simple, all-out bulls*t for perceived political gain. Does Donald Trump actually believe that the Biden administration is bulldozing bodies of North Carolina residents to cover up a massive coverup about stealing a town’s lithium supply? Or that President Biden and Vice President Kamala Harris are withholding disaster aid to Trump-leaning constituents because of their political views? (To be fair, that’s what Trump would do.) Or that, as one of his best pals Marjorie Taylor Greene has accused in a signature lunatic bigot-storm, that either Jews or Democrats (Democratic Jews?) called down and controlled the hurricane in order to help Harris’ election chances.
In the end, it doesn’t matter what Trump actually believes. Or, you know, if there is a single, coherent thought maintained in his sundowning head beyond the sweaty desire to stay out of prison by winning a second term. What is absolutely true is that all of Trump’s bullsh*t is, well, bullsh*t. The Republican governors of every affected U.S. state have called it bullsh*t. Even Fox News’ own propaganda siren Laura Ingraham called Trump out to his face by pointing out how Kamala Harris has been on the ground in devastated Southern states offering the administration’s support. So is Donald Trump a babbling, senile old loon just hurling whatever waterlogged crap he imagines his conspiracy-minded minions will regurgitate on new buddy Elon Musk’s Twitter? Or is he a soulless opportunist monster who cares not one bit that his lies are actually hampering recovery efforts and putting countless lives in danger? As ever, our erstwhile late-night hosts made the case that, with Donald Trump, you really don’t have to pick just one.
“The country is still dealing with the aftermath of Hurricane Helene, but it looks like there’s a sequel on the way that may pull a Joker. AKA: Cost a lot more and suck even harder.”
jordan klepper
[After clips, five years apart, of Trump claiming the exact same hurricane ignorance] “Wow, Donald, you’ve never heard of a Category 5 hitting land? It’s weird, because I remember one happening while you were President. What did you say after that happened? [Clip of Trump saying, “I’m not sure I’ve even heard of a Category 5″] Yes, yes, yes, for all you people who think he’s in mental decline, turns out he’s been the same level of stupidity for years.”
jordan klepper
“You know, he did get his meteorology degree from Trump University.”
jimmy kimmel
“Okay, so let me get this right. Every red state governor said that Biden is competently helping them. It’s clear what’s happening here. Either Trump has been lying, or every governor has been seduced by the sexual power of Joe Biden’s slow, confused smile. That’s a smile that says I don’t know where I am, but I know where I want to be.”
jordan klepper
“When former President Trump falsely claimed in a new interview that Vice President Kamala Harris had not visited areas devastated by Hurricane Helene, Fox News host Laura Ingraham fact-checked him and said, ‘She was there today for three hours.’ Imagine being such a liar that you get fact-checked by Laura Ingraham. That’s like getting fashion advice from Kevin Smith. And I love you dude, you know I love you—you look like an eight year-old with a court date.”
seth meyers
“Laura just lost her cabinet position as Secretary of McGriddles.”
jimmy kimmel
[On Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene’s “they can control the weather” bulls*t, which has been picked up by fellow MAGA conspiracy peddlers online] “Ahhh! What ever happened to the good old days, when conservatives believed sensible things like hurricanes were creations of God who was pissed off by gay marriage? I mean what happened? Did God go to a really nice wedding in Cabo and pass off hurricane duties to Chuck Schumer?”
jordan klepper
“Do you see what’s happening? People are afraid those who are coming to help are actually coming to steal their lithium. Everyone, let’s be clear. Completely clear. The U.S. government doesn’t destroy towns to steal their resources—in the U.S. In the Middle East, sure.”
jordan klepper
[On the modern advances in right-wing conspiracy theory: A.I. photos of crying little girls and their puppies and Donald Trump being heroic] “But of course, this hurricane is happening in 2024, which means on top of all the misinformation from our politicians, we also have to deal with the flood of fake A.I. bullsh*t. Like these pictures of little girls, or this fake picture of Donald Trump wading through the floodwaters. Now this one is subtle, but you can tell this one is fake because it’s a picture of Donald Trump helping people. You have to look close.”
jordan klepper
“Now it turns out that’s an A.I. fake. And if you look closely you can tell, because in the picture, Donald Trump is helping people.”
stephen colbert
“Also, he knows it’s very important not to get his hair wet. Or to feed it after midnight.”
stephen colbert
[On one dogged reporter debunking one A.I. image by pointing out, among other things, a person’s third nostril] “Thank you Big Tech for improving our lives. We had to bulldoze 15 acres of the Amazon to make that extra nostril but I think we can all agree it was worth it.”
jordan klepper
“Yes, they failed that imaginary girl! This is just as bad as when Biden failed to help this woman save her drowning boyfriend. [Photo from the end of Titanic] I hear all the two-person doors were being used by illegal immigrants.”
stephen colbert
What’s Russian for Chicken Soup?
The new book War by legendary Watergate journalist Bob Woodward is reportedly teeming with damning revelations about Donald Trump’s connections to Russian dictator Vladimir Putin,. Now, some may quibble that Woodward, as is his wont, held onto information of vital public importance to hawk some books. And those people would be absolutely right—please quibble on.
That mercenary approach to remunerative journalism aside, excerpts from Woodward’s book are plenty juicy. If by juicy you mean “utterly damning and disqualifying for Donald Trump if the Republican Party hadn’t been captured by a gaggle of fact-averse, glassy-eyed cultists.” Apart form a few tidbits of powerful people actually telling the truth—Joe Biden routinely calls Trump, Putin, and Benjamin Netanyahu some variation of “f**king asshole,” Lindsey Graham admitting that Trump likes being worshipped like Kim Jong Un and knows full well he lost the 2020 election—the most newsworthy sections outline just how far up Russian dictator Vladimir Putin’s butt Donald Trump truly is.
The revelations include the fact that Trump has had as many as seven secret phone conversations with Putin since he left office. Which may or may not be illegal, but is certainly fishy for a former head of state who stole classified state secrets upon leaving office, who routinely sides with Putin’s definitely illegal invasion of Ukraine, and whose earlier meeting with Putin led to a suspicious uptick in the number of informants in Putin’s Russia suddenly finding out that windows aren’t as safe as doors when it comes to exiting high-rises.
The book also details a phone call in which Trump, at the height of the Covid pandemic, personally sent a number of extremely rare Covid testing machines to Putin while the rest of American health care workers were making protective gear out of trash bags and scrambling to find the life-saving testers. Now, in circumstances other than one world leader prioritizing the safety of a literal murderous dictator over his own people, Trump’s defiant gift to what Jimmy Kimmel terms his KGBFF might be the touching stuff of true friendship. In practice, it’s damning. (Again, if the American voting public were swayed by such things any longer.)
“Nurses, doctors, American hospitals couldn’t get these machines, he’s sending them to the Devil himself. And by the way, he didn’t pay for that, we paid for that thing he sent. I don’t want to say Trump was his puppet, but whenever they were in a room together, you never saw more than one of Putin’s hands.”
jimmy kimmel
[On Trump’s Covid gift to Putin] “Awww, if that phone call didn’t just annex my heart.”
jordan klepper
“Agent Orange secretly sent his buddy Vlad a shipment of hard-to-get Covid testing machines for his personal use. You wouldn’t want one of the most villainous murderers on the planet to get a cough, would you?”
jimmy kimmel
“So Trump was secretly giving sound medical advice to a foreign adversary while publicly convincing Americans to poison themselves with bleach. I gotta say, most Presidents would do that the other way around.”
jordan klepper
[On Putin telling Trump to keep his present a secret since people would be mad at him] “You know you aren’t too bright when Vladimir Putin has to help you with PR.”
jimmy kimmel
“A new book by legendary journalist Bob Woodward claims that former President Trump has called Russian President Vladimir Putin as many as seven times since leaving the White House. That’s how you know they’re tight—adult men never call each other. I haven’t called my best friend seven times total.”
seth meyers
“Trump once made a senior aide leave the room so he could have a private call with Putin. [Russian accent] ‘Hello Donald, what are you wearing. I am shirtless of my horse again.'”
jimmy kimmel
“There’s a new book out about Trump and it says that since leaving office he’s secretly called Vladimir Putin seven times. When they heard, Eric and Don Jr. said, ‘Hey that’s seven more times than he’s called us.'”
Jimmy fallon
“The book says that Trump has spoken to Vladimir Putin seven times since he left office. Which is less than Ivanka but more than Tiffany. It’s right in the daughter sweet spot.”
jimmy kimmel
“I don’t know why Joe Biden only curses behind closed doors. You’re on your way out, start doing press conferences like Richard Pryor on the Sunset Strip. It’s Joetime at the Apollo, have some fun already.”
jimmy kimmel
[On Lindsey Graham admitting he doesn’t confront Trump about him losing the 2020 election because Trump gets mad] “So by all means, entertain his dangerous delusions until he’s burned America to the ground then, Lindsey.”
jimmy kimmel
Speaking of Chickens
Kamala Harris appeared on 60 Minutes on Monday, answering the tough questions and taking the opportunity of a nationally televised back-and-forth to lay out her vision for America. Where was Donald Trump in this 50 years-traditional pre-election interview program? Well not facing the sort of fact-checking that saw the current presidential candidate and twice-impeached seditionist storm off of the 60 Minutes set in a huff-tantrum when interviewer Leslie Stahl pushed back on some of his most egregious lies back in 2020, that’s for sure.
Trump’s many excuses for his no-show in this potentially far-reaching PR opportunity include being too darned busy, and demanding that Stahl offer him a groveling apology for [checks notes] not allowing him to lie to her face about everything. Meanwhile, Harris has gone on a media blitz this week, appearing on everything from 60 Minutes to The View to The Late Show (cue a few jealous jokes from other hosts) to Howard Stern’s radio show to the influential podcast Call Her Daddy. All of which seems to fly in the face of those news outlets who’ve been complaining that Kamala Harris doesn’t do interviews. Just a thought to mainstream media outlets increasingly more concerned with softball questions, access, irrelevant minutia, and soft-pedaling inquiries into Donald Trump’s imminent threat to American democracy rather than substantive journalism: Have you ever thought, “Maybe it’s not her, it’s us?”
“Man now how are we ever gonna hear what Donald Trump thinks about anything?”
jimmy fallon
“Vice President Kamala Harris made appearances today on The View, Howard Stern, and The Late Show with Stephen Colbert. Or as I can’t help thinking of it, 1.3 miles away, .2 miles away, and .6 miles away.”
seth meyers
[On reports that Harris is largely foregoing mainstream media outlets to focus on winning over young voters via interviews with “influencers”] “Wait a second, does that mean that I’m an influencer. Am I young now?”
stephen colbert
“Vice President Kamala Harris appeared today on Howard Stern’s Sirius XM satellite radio show, and she’s already gone up 15 points among Uber drivers.”
seth meyers
[On Harris reported strategy of reaching out to various demographics, including “older viewers”] “I think I know which demographic we represent.[Yells to camera] I said I think I know which demographic we represent! Alan! Alan! Turn up the volume, Alan! It’s the up arrow on the remote—no that’s the channel button! And he’s gone…”
stephen colbert
“In a special edition of 60 Minutes that aired last night, correspondent Bill Whitaker told Vice President Harris that ‘in the real world,’ she and Congress would not come to an agreement over taxing the wealthy. [Cut to: Graphic showing the race nearly tied.] Then again, this can’t possibly be the real world.”
seth meyers
[After Harris responded to Sarah Huckabee Sanders mocking her for not having kids to keep her “humble” by saying, “There are a whole lot of women out here who are not aspiring to be humble”] “And that’s true, you don’t generally equate the word humble with wanting to be the most powerful person in the world. ‘Hey, I’m totally sorry to bug you, and no worries if not, I was just wondering if I could, I mean if it’s okay, control America’s nuclear arsenal? Or is that crazy? Oh my God, forget I said anything, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.'”
stephen colbert
[After Harris and Call Her Daddy host Alexandra Cooper laughed about men legislating women’s bodies while not knowing how many tampons women go through in a month] “Yes we do! We all know how many tampons you use, fellas say it with me. One… at a time? A hundred, a baker’s dozen? A murder of tampons.”
stephen colbert
“Of course Trump kept changing his explanation about why he couldn’t do it. He was like, ‘I have concepts of an excuse.'”
jimmy fallon
“After the interview, Trump went on a rant on Truth Social. You can’t pretend you’re too busy then post about how you watched it.”
jimmy fallon
“A new poll found that voters think that Harris is more fun than Trump. I’m sure that was a tough question for voters. This upbeat woman who enjoys laughter, food, and wine, or the guy who looks like the Anger emotion from Inside Out.”
jimmy fallon
[After Harris related how, while living with her sister, she juggled law school with potty training her niece and would end her long day by waving “bye to a piece of sh*t”] “And if she wins next month, we all get to have the same experience.”
stephen colbert
Trump and Musk: Apartheid Together
After Elon Musk’s cringe-worthy appearance at a Trump rally over the weekend, late-night hosts are still playing catch-up with the spectacle of the inherited billionaire currently running at least two major companies into the dirt through a combination of ego, incompetence, and deliberate political sabotage endorsing a twice-impeached adjudicated sexual criminal. Oh and his space rockets blow up.
Anyway, the fact that the owner of one of the most far-reaching social media platforms in the world has not only thrown in with a seditionist predator and would-be dictator while flooding Twitter with racist lies and conspiracy nonsense is worth a little mockery. Even beyond the whole “leaping unsuccessfully in joy while looking like your ketamine levels are spiking at exactly the wrong time” vibe.
“That’s gotta be a little confusing for Trump voters. ‘I’m fightin’ for the little guy. And you know how much I hate immigrants. Now please welcome an immigrant who makes more money in one second than you will in your entire worthless lives. Put your filthy little worker hands together for your South African oligarch god, Elon Musk.'”
stephen colbert
“That’s one small step for man, one weird little hop for a douchebag.”
stephen colbert
[On Musk’s interview with disgraced former Fox News host Tucker Carlson, in which Musk once more joked about someone murdering Kamala Harris] “Hilarious. Just two sociopaths laughing it up about who’s worthy of being assassinated or not.”
jimmy kimmel
[On the photo of Musk shaking Trump’s hand with a genuinely creepy smile on his face] “Elon may enter the stage a little odd, but at least he shakes hands like a normal—Oh my God. He looks like Igor greeting the DoorDash guy.”
stephen colbert
I Don’t Read It, Do You?
Former First Lady Melania Trump’s new memoir has hit bookshelves, filling that void you feel for books ghost written for checked-out third wives of serial philandering wannabe fascists.
“Proceeds from sales of the book are going to one of Melania’s favorite charities, body doubles for conjugal visits.”
jimmy kimmel
“Melania Trump released her new memoir, Melania. The book tells her whole life story. One reader was like [Trump voice], ‘Wow, I didn’t know any of this.'”
jimmy fallon
[On an online review claiming, “This is the best book I’ve ever read”] “Which is a nice way of saying I’ve never read another book.”
jimmy kimmel
[On the book’s revelation that, despite her husband’s all-out assault on reproductive rights, Melania is pro-choice] “In a new interview, former First Lady Melania Trump said that former President Trump has known about her position on abortion rights since the day they met. Which is great, but maybe work on your small talk. ‘I think this first date’s going great, anything else?'”
seth meyers
“And probably the most stunning revelation in the book is that Trump told her that Don Jr. was bred specifically for his organs. I made that one up, that one was not true. But the fact that you believed it really says something about you or him, I’m not sure.”
jimmy kimmel
Potpourri
“In honor of the movie’s 40th anniversary, Krispy Kreme is offering a Ghostbusters-themed menu, including a Slimer donut. And whatever you do, don’t Google ‘slimer donut’ at work.”
seth meyers
“I feel like the candidates are running out of ways to ask us for money. I got a fundraising email from Kamala Harris last night, it just said, ‘You up?'”
jimmy kimmel
“Taco Bell this week was named the fastest drive-thru. And by the way, the food doesn’t slow down any after you eat it.”
seth meyers
“Qantas Airlines apologized after an issue with their in-flight entertainment system caused a nude scene to play on every passenger’s screen that could not be turned off. Yeah, it was the first time a plane landed and nobody wanted to stand up.”
jimmy fallon
“A Florida man was arrested last week after he allegedly stole 30 thousand dollars worth of marijuana and other merchandise from a dispensary, and this morning the employees realized they were being robbed.”
seth meyers
“One of the biggest French fry factories in America is closing because Americans are eating fewer French fries. People are eating fewer French fries. Then every Uber Eats driver was like, ‘Speak for yourself.'”
jimmy fallon
“A sixth senior member of Mayor Eric Adams’ administration has resigned. Okay, who’s even left at this point? At this rate, his communications director is just going to be a Times Square Dora.”
seth meyers
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