A pair of constitutional crises, the president’s three-hour phone call with the Russian dictator, and that same president installing himself as the official arbiter of the arts gave this week’s skeleton crew of late-night hosts plenty to talk about Tuesday night. Here’s our nightly monologues roundup.
Jordan Klepper
“Constitutional crisis” is a phrase that’s been bandied about quite a bit recently, but as Jordan Klepper pointed out Tuesday night on The Daily Show, two moves by the Trump Administration over the weekend would seem to have us legitimately on the precipice.
First, the administration defied a federal judge’s order to turn around planes packed with Venezuelan immigrants being shipped to an El Salvador prison. Then, Trump himself declared Joe Biden’s pardons of the lawmakers who investigated the January 6th attack on the Capitol null and void.
“My God. I mean, if you had told me that Donald Trump would trigger a constitutional crisis just seven weeks into his term, I would have said, ‘That is a lot later than I thought.'”
“Is that how rulings work? You have to put it writing, you can’t just say it? Well, this is definitely not the first time Trump has defended himself by arguing that oral doesn’t count.”
ON THE ADMINISTRATION’S CLAIM THAT THE JUDGE’S RULING WASN’t IN EFFECT BECAUSE IT WASN’T IN WRITING
“Apparently, the Constitution is not in effect over international waters. That explains Carnival Cruise Lines new ship, the SS Cruel and Unusual Punishment.”
“So there you have it. Donald Trump went from, ‘Oh sorry, we would have listened to this judge if we would have heard it in time,’ to, ‘Actually, this lunatic judge should be impeached.’ And if you would have told me that that all happened in 48 hours, I would have said, ‘Wow, again, longer than I would have expected.'”
on Trump pivoting after being legally rebuffed
“It’s not enough that he’s fighting the judicial branch in the present, he’s fighting the executive branch in the past. He’s causing more problems in the multiverse than Jonathan Majors.”
on trump’s argument about Joe Biden’s January 6th pardons being invalid because he used the presidential autopen
“Thomas Jefferson? I mean, I guess that makes sense. When you’ve got that many secret kids, that’s a lot of birthday cards that you’ve got to sign.”
on experts noting that presidents as far back as jefferson have used the autopen
“Yes, good question. Did Joe Biden really sign the pardons that he said several times he signed? Or did a radical left lunatic sneak into the Oval Office and start signing whatever was in the room? Pardons, laws, doctor’s notes, yearbooks? I mean, did Joe Biden really want Cindy to have a great summer, or was it the deep state?”
on trump suggesting someone else used that autopen
“‘Yeah, if I’m doing important things like pardoning January 6-ers, I’ll sign it myself. But for doing stupid sh*t like signing letters to sick kids, Docusign is fine.'”
on trump admitting that he also uses the autopen
Jimmy Fallon
The Tonight Show host had some thoughts of his own about Trump’s phone call with Vladimir Putin.
“Today Donald Trump had a nearly three-hour phone call with Vladimir Putin about ending the war in Ukraine. Although Trump spent most of that time trying to sell Putin a Cybertruck.”
“But both sides said the call went well which makes sense since they’re both on the same side.”
“When asked why, Putin said, ‘Because it’s funny.'”
on putin reportedly making trump wait for an hour before picking up
Fallon then moved on to some non-political current events…
“The CEO of Ferrari said that the company’s clients are getting younger, with 40 percent of their new customers under the age of 40. Still small penises, but under the age of 40.”
“Doctors are concerned about a growing trend of people going under anesthesia when they get tattoos. Doctors prefer the safe traditional method of getting blackout drunk.”
Jimmy Kimmel
Kimmel had his own angle on the chaos in Washington, first focusing in on Trump’s decision to install himself as head of The Kennedy Center.
“Of course he loves Cats. It’s the one musical where the pussies grab you.”
on trump preferring cats over hamilton
“That would be so great. Him hosting an awards show, me at home tweeting insults while he does it.”
on trump’s plan to host the Kennedy center honors
“There are gonna be some big surprises. Lauren Boebert’s going to go around to all the seats to make sure everyone has fun.”
“The Kennedy Center is finally great again. Next up, the Holocaust Museum—very one-sided right now.”
Kimmel also had a few jokes locked and loaded concerning Trump’s call with Putin.
“Putting Trump on the phone with Putin is like putting your grandma on the phone with a Nigerian prince.”
“People keep asking if Trump is getting played by Putin. Which is like asking if ‘Hava Nagila’ is getting played at a bar mitzvah.”
Kimmel also chimed in on Trump supporter Kanye West’s new album cover—red swastika on a black background.
“But that’s Kanye. When everyone else zigs, he sieg heils.”
And then there were those Wisconsin Republicans looking to classify “Trump derangement syndrome” as a mental illness. (One of whom was promptly outed as an alleged predator of underage girls.)
“Republicans finally came up with a plan for healthcare, and this is it.”
“Trump derangement syndrome. Which, by the way, is a very serious condition. But many people who suffer from it can lead happy, productive lives. Some even host their own late-night talk shows.”
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