Donald Trump’s State of the Union speech (sorry, his first year “Address to Congress”) was all any of late-night hosts could talk about Tuesday night. Or at least all Stephen Colbert and Jimmy Kimmel could talk about, since they alone chose to go live (or almost-live in Kimmel’s case) after the predictably divisive speech. Look for the others to play catch-up on Wednesday. Here’s our rundown of Tuesday night’s monologues.
Stephen Colbert
Predictably, the Late Show host found little to applaud in the president’s speech, unlike Trump’s GOP colleagues, who made with the standing ovations every time their leader railed against trans people, immigrants, Democrats, and the very concept of democracy and “wokeness.” (Which, as Jane Fonda eloquently put it in a recent SAG Awards speech, simply means “you give a damn about other people.”)
But it just wasn’t that sort of night in America, with the whole spectacle summed up by a wistful Colbert: “In the end, Trump’s first address to Congress was much like his first six weeks. Filled with useful lies and applauded by useless idiots.”
“This is a live Mardi Gras audience right now. And it is so fitting, because just like on Bourbon Street, tonight we all got to see some boobs.”
“No, no, I disagree. I think it’s impressive that with only three people it can still be a clown car.”
On the audience booing at Elon Musk arriving in the presidential motorcade with Trump and Melania
“‘That dream, an affordable Denver omelette. We will get there one day.'”
on trump promising the return of the american dream
“Now, some people have questioned why so much muscle was needed to remove one old man with a cane. But it turns out it was for a serious reason. When security searched him, they found that he’d smuggled in a spine.”
on 77-year-old Rep. Al green’s ejection
“Oh thank goodness. Somebody go tell Congressman Green. Just go knock on the side of that windowless van they shoved him into.”
on trump’s boasting about restoring free speech
“Oh, I don’t know. Try saying, ‘I resign.'”
on trump complaining that there’s nothing he could do to make democrats happy
“‘And the days of rule by unelected billionaires have just begun.'”
on trump announcing the end of “rule by unelected bureaucrats“
“The Democrats came ready to fight back with their little paddles! That is how you save democracy, by quietly dissenting. Or bidding on an antique tea set—it was hard to tell what was going on.”
on dems using paddles with sayings on them to object to trump’s various lies
“‘No, it’s true. Mally, Lessotoo, all those fake countries in the imaginary continent of Ooofrica.'”
on trump mispronouncing various countries “nobody’s ever heard of”
“Okay, that’s not good, but let’s all be thankful he didn’t try to pronounce Niger.”
“Okay, but when you’re a farmer, technically isn’t every day a field day?”
on trump defending his tariffs by claiming american farmers are in for “a field day”
“But isn’t it weird for members of Congress to applaud him for taking all of their power away? ‘Wooo! We’re worthless worms! Choke us, Daddy!'”
on the assembled GOP cheering on trump destroying congressional authority
“Oh, we know. Rumor is, he often drinks until he can’t stay a-woke.”
on trump praising pete hegseth for rooting “woke” from the military
“That checks out. I have seen your cabinet and there are pieces of ship all over the White House these days.”
on trump’s “big announcement” of a white house shipbuilding office
Jimmy Kimmel
Kimmel, despite his show’s name, did not go live Tuesday night. But he did wait to tape his monologue until after Trump’s speech to the joint session of Congress had begun.
“Any time this maniac speaks, it’s a joint session. It’s a joint session, it’s an edible session, it’s a ‘raid the medicine cabinet for anything to dull the pain’ kind of night.”
“His speech started late. I guess they were waiting for that last coat of shellac to dry on his face.”
“Even Melania showed up, so Democrats weren’t the only people who hate him there.”
“He laid out his MAGA-genda for the next four years. They include wildly unpopular tariffs, abandoning our allies, buddying up to Russia, tax cuts for the rich, and turning Gaza into Atlantic City—all the reasons blue collar American voted for this man.”
“According to a new poll on CNN, 52 percent of Americans do not approve of the way Trump is handling his job as president. The other 48 percent responded in Russian, so we don’t know exactly what they think.”
“The stock market’s down, consumer confidence is down, the dollar is down. The only things that are high are egg prices and Elon Musk.”
“It’s like we remarried an ex-husband and now we’re like, ‘Oh right, he cheats and steals and farts and snores all the time.'”
“You could quit.”
on trump whining that there’s nothing he could do to make democrats cheer (he and colbert with some parallel thinking)
Kimmel also went after Trump’s just-enacted tariffs on trading partners Mexico, Canada, and China.
“Which actually is a calculated move, because if you can’t afford a car you can’t complain about the price of gas. Smart. It’s that 4-D chess he’s always playing.”
on the expected $12,000 increase in auto prices from trump’s tariffs
“Most experts are saying he’s shooting himself in the foot with these tariffs. Which is bad—you know, he’s already got those bone spurs that kept him out of Vietnam.”
And one more joke for Fat Tuesday.
“People are so drunk down there, some of them are at risk of being appointed Secretary of Defense.”
Michael Kosta
The Daily Show host spent his Tuesday zeroing in on Donald Trump’s trade war with Mexico and Canada, as Trump’s 25 percent tariffs on goods from those counties went into effect today. As Kosta noted, experts say tariffs will only hurt American consumers, as Trump’s punishment of two of the country’s most vital trade partners has already triggered retaliatory tariffs, the cancellation of cross-country contracts, and bans of American products, all while the stock market went on a predictable Olympic-level bobsled run into the gully as prices skyrocketed.
As Kosta noted, even the normally polite-to-a-stereotype Canadians are super-pissed, with Prime Minister Justin Trudeau delivering an unflinching takedown directly to Trump on TV and Canadian wrestling fans joining in the retaliatory hostilities by booing the U.S. national anthem—at a WWE match of all places.
“Donald Trump has been busy. In the past couple of days, he’s switched sides on the war in Ukraine, announced a national crypto reserve, and dismantled the National Weather Service. Because part of the fun of experiencing a Category 5 hurricane is the surprise.”
and that’s all before the tariffs started on tuesday
“Now Mexico, they expect it, right? Trump’s had it out for them since no one showed up to his quinceañera. But why Canada? We’ve always been tight with Canada. We were both British colonies, we play in the same sports leagues together, we share joint custody of Ryan Gosling.”
“Wait, we’re launching a trade war and it’s gonna affect us? I’m gonna pay $9,000 more for a Kia Sorrento? Now I finally get why they say war is hell. So that’s what Saving Private Ryan was all about.”
mexico manufactures a whole lot of american cars
“Isn’t this the opposite of what Trump campaigned on—raising prices on everything? I’m already buying my eggs in installments on Klarna.”
“Yes, great idea! In this time of uncertainty, the one thing I need right now is a wild animal pecking my dick while I’m trying to make a frittata.”
on trump’s agriculture secretary Brooke rollins airily suggesting that americans should just raise their own chickens in the backyards of the homes they can all totally afford
“‘Everybody who’s not a farmer wants to be.’ Are you kidding me? Americans don’t even go to grocery stores any more. We just text ‘get Cheerios’ to strangers on Instacart.”
“Wait, why am I buying my steel like a sucker when I could be smelting iron ore in my own bathtub?”
canada and mexico produce a whole lot of america’s steel
“Damn you, Joe Biden! You were supposed to leave the password to the economy on the White House fridge before you left.”
on Fox NEws economics correspondent larry kudlow blaming the stock market plunge on anyone but donald trump
“If we’re gonna blame past presidents, why stop at Biden. Jimmy Carter’s been awfully quiet lately.”
“Huh, so it’s not fentanyl or migrants. And it can’t be because Trump’s an insecure alpha male thumping his chest so the world pays attention to him, so I guess we’ll never know—it’s probably Joe Biden.”
examining the numbers behind trump’s beef with canada
“Wow, he’s mad. And he’s not even world leader mad, he’s dad mad. This is the same tone I use when I tell my daughter not to throw he baby sister into the crib. ‘You are not the type of person who does this. Even though you just did this, and you’ll probably keep doing it.'”
on canadian prime minister justin trudeau telling trump, “This is a very dumb thing to do”
Jimmy Fallon
Strangely, there’s nothing that galvanizes late-night joke writers like an isolationist trade war that’s already sending the U.S. economy into a tailspin. Jimmy Fallon’s writers were no exception.
“It’s all part of Trump’s plan to make everything more expensive so eggs seem cheaper by comparison.”
“In response to Trump’s tariffs, major retailers like Target and Best Buy said that they are going to raise prices. Target called the tariffs disruptive, while Best Buy said, ‘Oh my God, did you just call us a major retailer?'”
“The tariffs are expected to send car prices soaring to as much as 12 thousand dollars a vehicle. That means soon the price of a Nissan Sentra could be $12,750.”
“Meanwhile, the price of imported fruits and vegetables will also increase. Trump heard and was like, ‘Well, no worries here.'”
“Trump’s tariffs will also raise the prices of scrap metal, batteries, and auto parts. Which are all ingredients used to build Elon Musk.”
“Even Netflix plans to raise their subscription price. But that has nothing to do with the tariffs.”
“Do you know how bad things have to be for Canadians to do something mean?”
on canada announcing its own 25 percent tariffs on U.S. goods in retaliation
Fallon fudged it a little by doing a couple of State of the Union jokes even though The Tonight Show taped before the event took place on Tuesday.
“Yeah it was quite a night. There were about 400 people in attendance. 300 were members of Congress, and a hundred were Elon’s kids.”
“The night was pretty much a welcome back party for Trump, Republicans, and measles.”
He then got back to monologue basics: airlines and TV.
“Spirit is also gonna also have free wifi, but only when it’s parked next to an American Airlines plane.”
on American Airlines offering passengers free wifi
“Wow, even the fake FBI is being let go.”
On CBS cancelling FBI: Most Wanted and FBI: International
Seth Meyers
On a night without an “A Closer Look” segment, Late Night host Meyers was free to take a few swings at anything making news. Sure, there was plenty of Trump administration headlines to choose from, alongside more traditional monologue fare concerning everything from airlines to pizza to the mysterious creature known only as Florida Man.
President Trump spoke tonight before a joint session of Congress. We don’t know how it went, but Marco Rubio has sunk even further into the couch.”
“President Trump has reportedly focused on winning a Nobel Peace Prize for ending the war in Ukraine. I hope he attends the ceremony, but he’s gonna be pretty busy with his war in Canada.”
“Fox News on Sunday published an op-ed by Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. It’s titled, Measles Are Just God’s Freckles.”
“The Los Angeles grocery store chain Erewhon is facing criticism for offering a single strawberry for $19. Or, for the same price, they’ll let you look at an egg.”
“Domino’s Pizza has launched the chain’s first stuffed-crust pizza. And it might be a big seller because apparently it’s stuffed with better pizza.”
“Delta Airlines has reportedly offered passengers who were on the flight that crash landed in Toronto $30 thousand dollars each. Or in airport terms, a large water and two bananas.”
“The second annual Florida Man Games were held over the weekend outside St. Augustine. Sadly, several contestants were disqualified for testing negative for meth.”
Taylor Tomlinson
Perhaps anticipating having to plow through Trump’s State of the Union speech on tomorrow’s show, Taylor Tomlinson relished the Tuesday opportunity to focus on, as she put it, “a positive news round-up.” And if a British school banning bathroom mirrors and billionaire Mark Zuckerberg cosplaying as that guy who did a flip at the Grammys isn’t your kind of positive, well, you kind of had to be there.
“They say it was because kids were spending too much time in the bathroom, which, how do you know it’s because of the mirror? That could be the regular meeting of the IBS club.”
on that English school taking out mirrors to keep kids focused(?)
“At a time when kids are so addicted to their phones, I actually found it refreshing that some kids are going analog with their narcissism. I guess staring at yourself in the mirror is the new reading a book in selfies?”
“This would not have worked for me in high school. I’d be more self-conscious if I couldn’t check how I looked. I’d be passing notes in class like, ‘Hey, can you draw my bangs?'”
“Obviously, Zuckerberg did not do a flip. The only person he bends over backwards for is Trump.”
on the facebook head lip-syncing in benson boone’s jumpsuit for his wife’s birthday, but omitting the gymnastics
“Look, I’m not super familiar with Benson Boone, but has gotta be tough to find out you’re the exact same size as Mark Zuckerberg.”
“It’s so clear that Zuckerberg did this because he was like, ‘I’m tired of people calling me a boring creep. I wanna be a sparkly creep.'”
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