Missed Tuesday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.
What a Mangled Web He Weaves
At a recent rally, a defensive Donald Trump labeled his babbling, alarmingly incoherent live speeches as something called “The Weave,” suggesting that a team of Team Trump spin artists spent long, sleepless nights trying to rebrand their fading candidates’ sundowning brain as a secret supercomputer playing dialectical 4-D chess. Seth Meyers for one wasn’t buying it, seizing on another few weeks’ worth of Trump flubbing and groove-skipping his way through a series of rallies and interviews in which he also promised he’d have the backs and “every other body part” of voters, that the plural of ‘child” is “childs,’ and that somehow declining bacon consumption is related to energy prices and the ineffectiveness of wind power.
“Oh, is age not a problem now?,’ Meyers asked (while admitting that 14 years of covering Donald Trump meant doing jokes about ‘the weirdest, wettest, dumbest, most obnoxious business-goblin alive.”) “Everyone lost their minds because Biden was old and sometimes hard to follow, now this old-ass dude’s talking about every part of the body like a grandpa who can’t decide what piece of the turkey he wants for Thanksgiving and it’s like, ‘Well, a lot of people like him, so…'”
“Does he really not know the plural of ‘child?’ Is that because he pretends he only has the one? ‘This is my only child, Ivanka. And these are her assistants, Don and Igor.'”
Seth Meyers
“You know you’re a great dad when you think children are called ‘childs.'”
jimmy kimmel
[After Trump asked, “Know what I mean?,” about whether immigrants are becoming too easily “acclimented” to America] “No, no I don’t know what that means, because thats not a word.”
stephen colbert
[On Trump claiming that “many English professors” compliment him regularly on his oratorial style] “‘These English professors, they stand up on the desk and they say, ‘O Captain, my Captain.’ And at first, me and Ethan Hawke are kind of rebels, we don’t want to do the reading. But in the end, we really like Robin Williams. We miss you, Mork, nanu-nanu. Mrs. Doubtfire. Good Morning Vietnam. Night at the Museum. Aladdin. Acclimented. And we’re back, it’s the weave.'”
stephen colbert
“Oh, ‘acclimtented,’ I understand. I think that’s when you get acclimated to Trump being demented.”
stephen colbert
[After a catch-up montage of Trump’s summer of lies and meandering nonsense] “You know, for a normal person it would have taken a lifetime to say that many stupid things in public. Trump did it in two months. Congratulations to him.”
jimmy kimmel
“He dances like an undercover cop at a gay bar.”
stephen colbert
[On the interview where Trump called Kamala Harris “nasty” for the way she treated then-VP Mike Pence] “You sent an army of toothless goons to hang him! And then sat back and watched it on TV.”
jimmy kimmel
Moms for Gibberish
It’s one thing when a presidential candidate’s obvious mental deficiencies manifest in off-topic nonsense. Just to pluck out one example, say, taking time out from a supposed policy speech to claim that you’re more physically attractive than your opponent. But it’s a whole lot more damaging and dangerous when Donald Trump’s—let’s call it “brain”—presents completely false claims about an already marginalized group to an audience of supporters already prone to hate speech, anonymous bomb threats, and violence. Such was the case this week when Trump, speaking to designated hate group Moms for Liberty while slouched in his oversized interview lounge chair, dribbled out the ludicrous accusation concerning transgender people that public school children are routinely given gender-assignment surgery—at school, presumably on an out-patient basis—without their parents’ knowledge. (Oh, this is also where Trump revealed that he thinks the plural of “children” is “childs.”)
“That makes sense, because if you’ve ever been to a school nurse’s office, you know they have Band-Aids, thermometers, and al the medical equipment necessary to do a gender-reassignment surgery.”
seth meyers
“That’s exactly how it works. I know a couple, very nice couple, they had three boys, Greg, Bobby and Peter. One day they sent them to school, a few nights later they come home, Jan, Marcia, and Cindy, they’re girls now.”
jimmy kimmel
Arlington National Embarrassment
Hey, Donald Trump desecrated a shrine to the nation’s war dead for a cheap photo op. Flouting the law against using Arlington National Cemetery for political purposes and cheesy pictures of yourself giving a grinning thumbs-up over the graves of dead service members, Trump and his goon squad not only broke the law, but also defamed the female Arlington official who attempted to enforce the rules (after Trump campaign staffers physically assaulted her) in a typically bullying and desperate to deflect the righteous sh*tstorm of outrage the Republican nominee for President brought upon himself with his latest gruesomely tone-deaf self-promoting stunt.
“That cannot be the way that his campaign folks wanted to change the narrative. ‘Sir, we need to get you back in the spotlight.’ ‘What about a crime?’ ‘Any other ideas?’ ‘We could do a crime.’ ‘No, sir.’ ‘We could visit a cemetery full of our nation’s war heroes…’ ‘Oh, that’s a great idea.’ ‘And commit a crime.'”
stephen colbert
[Showing Trump’s all-purpose thumbs-up grin over the gravestones] “Yeah, I’d agree that’s not the proper tone right there. He looks less like a presidential candidate and more like a serial killer taunting the police. ‘Chief, yeah, it’s the Thumbs-Up Killer again.'”
seth meyers
“Now, in Trumps defense, he was respectful in the Arlington Cemetery pictures, offering his most solemn big old thumbs-up.”
stephen colbert
“Pushing an Arlington Cemetery worker is one of the least presidential things you can do. Tied with giving a bald eagle a wedgie at Gettysburg.”
stephen colbert
“She wasn’t having ‘a mental health episode,’ she was probably just terrified because she was in a cemetery and saw a walking corpse.”
stephen colbert
[On the U.S. Army issuing a rare public rebuke of Trump while defending the Arlington worker from the campaign’s lies] “‘An official rebuke, some say that’s better than the Medal of Honor.'”
stephen colbert
[After Trump campaign manager and noted shameless campaign smear-merchant Chris LaCivita doubled down by trolling the military “hacks” who dared question Trump’s grave-trampling actions] “Uh, not sure you want to pick that fight. ‘Oh yeah? You and what army? Oh, the Army? Okay, never mind.'”
stephen colbert
Cramming for the National IQ Test
As Stephen Colbert reminded his audience, there are now officially just a mere nine weeks until this pivotal presidential election takes place. And while current Vice President and clutch pinch-hitter Kamala Harris continues to climb in the polls, out-fundraise the sputtering, muttering Trump campaign, and express herself in actual words and complete sentences, Colbert also warned that Harris’ current five-point national lead in a recent poll won’t mean much if people don’t vote in numbers enough to overcome the white racists’ affirmative action program that is the Electoral College. (“It’s a flawed system,” explained Colbert, summing up the outdated election formula with the succinct shorthand, “Founding Fathers… slavery.”)
Yep, we’re in for another nail-biter of an election, where Americans will publicly declare whether democracy was only a good thing until white people realized it meant that someday they might not be in complete charge of 99.9 percent of all decision making—or that Kamala Harris will be our next President.
“Because of the Electoral College, the election could come down to just seven states. Yes, it’s gonna come down to Michigan Wisconsin, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.”
stephen colbert
“One reporter describes the seven state race as the equivalent of ‘a knife fight in a phone booth.’] Wow. See, a knife fight in a phone booth is notoriously difficult because it involves close quarters. And finding a phone booth.”
stephen colbert
[On polls showing Harris leads with women by a whopping 13 percent] “Trump heard the news and was like, ‘Was it everything I said?'”
jimmy fallon
[On Harris’ five-point poll lead] “48 percent! That really restores my faith in nearly half of humanity.”
stephen colbert
[On an op-ed claiming that the Trump campaign is about to “kick into full gear”] “That’s right, the last two years of watching Trump campaign have just been an appetizer. Or as they say in France, an amuse-douche.”
stephen colbert
[After a rundown of Trump campaign fundraising scams, from assassination-themed sneakers to bitcoin-themed trading cards] “He has finally arrived at the exact intersection of QVC and QAnon.”
jimmy kimmel
“Harris is particularly popular with women, while Trump is ahead among men, leading some to call this the ‘boys versus girls’ election. And remember, many Trump voters are not vaccinated against cooties.”
stephen colbert
“According to newly released rules from ABC, the upcoming presidential debate between Vice President Kamala Harris and former President Trump will not have an audience. [Shows picture of Melania Trump] Well, at least now she can pretend she was gonna go.”
seth meyers
[On Harris’ debate strategy] “Yeah, she wants to rattle Trump. Right now she’s deciding whether to wear a jacket that says IRS or FBI.”
jimmy fallon
Vice Presidential No-Contest
Meanwhile, there doesn’t appear to be much debate about which Vice Presidential pick is leading in the mostly beside-the-point Veep race, as Trump’s choice of Ohio Senator and author of one terrible book and thousands of even worse opinions on women J.D. Vance continues to invite choruses of boos wherever he goes. On the other hand, Kamala Harris’ canny choice of America’s corny-cool dad, Minnesota Governor Tim Walz, routinely is greeted by cheering crowds and grateful neighbors who find that Walz has already shoveled off their stairs.
[After Vance was lustily jeered by Boston firefighters after claiming that he and infamous anti-union and anti-workers’ rights plutocrat Donald Trump are on their side] “Those firefighters were booing him like he just said the best toy for kids was a pack of matches.”
seth meyers
“Usually firefighters are only that mad the third time in a week they have to get Ms. Callahan’s cat out of the tree. ‘You should keep her inside, ma’am.’ ‘She likes the outdoors.’ ‘Maybe she just don’t like you!'”
seth meyers
seth meyers
“During a speech at a firefighters union conference in Boston this week, Ohio Senator J.D. Vance spoke about his past experience calling 911. Apparently he once saw a woman with no kids. ‘No, she is of child-bearing age. Just get here fast!'”
[On the stark Veep contrast] “[Walz] is beautiful. His blood type is corn dog batter. He belongs to several pickle of the month clubs. Tim Walz is the type of guy who, if you sat next to him, he’d ask, ‘What brings you to Tampa?’ because he genuinely want to know what brings you to Tampa. J.D. Vance would just sit there watching you sleep, you know?”
jimmy kimmel
[On reports that it was Donald Trump Jr.’s idea to pick Vance] “If Trump loses this election, he’s gonna sue his son to take the Jr. away.”
jimmy kimmel
“For a guy who wears more eyeliner than Liza Minnelli, you’d think he’d have a better understanding of women.a’
jimmy kimmel
“J.D. Vance looks like someone asked A.I. to make the Two and a Half Men one person.”
jimmy kimmel
Worm-Head to the Rescue!
It’s not all bad news for the trump-Vance campaign, though. Oh wait, it is, as recently withdrawn third-party loon, brain parasite buffet, and famous failson Robert F. Kennedy Jr. announced that he is throwing all his support behind Donald Trump. (Even though Kennedy’s long, documented history of calling Trump everything from “a threat to democracy” and “bully” to an opportunistic demagogue appealing to “bigotry,” “hatred,” “xenophobia” and “prejudice” were immediately thrown back in his face following the endorsement.)
Now, some may see Kennedy’s subsequent feverish and futile attempts to have his name removed from swing state ballots as proof that RFK’s withdrawal will siphon off the fringiest fringe of Trump’s base, but, hey, having a Kennedy in your corner can’t be a bad thi—wait, what? A resurfaced new story this week added yet another gruesome item to the already festering roster of ‘RFK Jr. and dead animals‘ saga? This one involving a rotting dead whale carcass, a cross-state road trip, and flowing waterfalls of decomposing “whale juice?” And the story comes from RFK’s own daughter? Well, good luck there, Donnie. As Stephen Colbert noting in referencing the story from “Kick” Kennedy, “Now, you might say, ‘Steve, that’s a lot of weird stuff with dead animals’… here’s another one.”
[On the Kennedy-Trump alliance] “Which means that, this Thanksgiving, your crazy uncle and your racist uncle will have plenty to bond over.”
stephen colbert
“It reminds me of the first line of Moby Dick, ‘What the f**k?'”
stephen colbert
“Not a great sign when the least unhinged part of a sentence is, ‘excitedly bounded down to the beach, chainsaw in hand.'”
stephen colbert
[On the truly horrific details of the post-decapitation whale’s journey, when Kennedy family members fashioned plastic bag hoods with mouth slits in a vain attempt to filter the stench of sluicing whale gore pouring down from the poor animal’s head strapped to the roof of their car] “Okay, that sounds weird. But it is the best way to make sure the rotting whale juice only goes in your mouth.”
stephen colbert
USA! USA!
Yes, conspicuous public gorging isn’t just for Independence Day any more, as all-American human garbage disposal Joey Chestnut took to Netflix to soundly defeat longtime wiener-cramming rival Takeru Kobayashi by first dampening and then ingesting 83 regulation hot dogs in 10 minutes. The entire spectacle took place courtesy of Netflix, thus fulfilling the streaming giant’s ultimate goal of driving every mom and pop video store in the world out of business in order to make America collectively barf into its mouth.
“83 hot dogs in 10 minutes. That’s basically me at every wedding when they pass out pigs in a blanket.”
jimmy fallon
[On Chestnut’s victory speech, where he graciously praised Kobayashi for driving him to slam down 83 hot dogs in a sitting] “Which is as beautiful as it is ridiculous.”
jimmy kimmel
“Netflix was like, ‘If you like this, you might enjoy Bridgerton.'”
jimmy fallon
Potpourri
“It’s the day after Labor Day, which means we’re in the fall. Referring to either Autumn or ‘of democracy.'”
stephen colbert
“Earlier today, students across the country went back to school. Yeah, the first day of school is always emotional. This morning, my kids were crying when I put them on the bus. And I think that was mostly because it was a Greyhound. They learned a lesson.”
jimmy fallon
[On the recent death of a beluga whale once seen fitted with a Russian spy harness] “Even crazier, it died after falling out after an eighth story window.”
seth meyers
[On one of the stranded ISS astronauts claiming to have heard a strange sound outside the station] “It’s space, basically any noise you hear is a bad sound. It’s scary, right now the astronauts are walking around space with a baseball bat.”
jimmy fallon
[On a 50-years-overdue library book being returned] “So now the world’s most overdue book is this guy’s. [Shows picture of George R.R. Martin] You can do it, George, I believe in you!”
seth meyers
[On an unruly passenger being kicked off a flight for wearing an obscene Trump t-shirt’] “Yup, Delta kicked him off and then Spirit was like, ‘Welcome aboard, captain.'”
jimmy fallon
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