Missed Thursday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.
Squeezing, Wrenching, Grasping, Scraping, Clutching, Covetous Old Sinners
Lucky America. We are now governed by not one but two Scrooges, as the debacle that is today’s looming government shutdown demonstrates. Yes, Donald Trump and his unelected co-president Elon Musk have scuttled a continuing resolution that would have funded the federal government through the holidays. Bah-freakin’-humbug.
That means that federal employees (including the military) won’t get paid, TSA and air traffic workers will be doing so without pay during the busiest travel days of the year, desperately needed disaster relief will be halted, social services will grind to a halt, and basically anyone who’s not a billionaire with their own private security and fleet of private transport will have a truly terrible holiday all around.
It’s a holly-jolly preview of the chaos and callousness to come, something those not on the careening-toward-the-abyss Trump Polar Express can only watch with a mix of appalled terror and told-you-so schadenfreude. As Seth Meyers noted when Democratic Congresswoman Jasmine Crockett (D-TX) announced her intention to sit back and “sip her tea” while watching Republicans form their traditional circular firing squad, “Well, if you’re waiting for them to figure it out, I hope you have a f**k-ton of tea, because…”
“I mean, if you think about it, it makes sense that Musk would kill this at the last minute. Because he’s an expert at blowing things up on the launch pad.”
stephen colbert
“Shout out to the billionaire’s ‘shut it all down for the holidays’ energy. This is like if A Christmas Carol ended with Scrooge kicking in Bob Cratchit’s door screaming, ‘Give me that f**kin’ turkey! Also I want the boy’s cane!'”
seth meyers
[On the Friday deadline for a government shutdown] “Which would be terrible. We need the government. Who else is not going to tell us anything about the drones?”
stephen colbert
“In previous shutdowns, inspection of chemical and water treatment plants halted, as did routine food safety inspections. But you have nothing to worry about, unless you’re one of those rare people who needs food or water.”
stephen colbert
Dong-Dong Vs. Elonzilla
Now if you’re wondering why Elon Musk is anywhere near these negotiations, you’re not alone. Despite Trump boasting incessantly during his campaign that—since he’s totally rich and not a shady multiple bankruptee who’s never released his tax returns—he brooks no influence from rich donors, critics have pointed out that he sure seems to like to staffing his administration with wall-to-wall billionaire donors.
You know, like the South African tech mogul whose multi-million dollar investment in Trump’s campaign has netted him billions in return, and who’s been haunting Trump’s tacky golf retreat like Jacob Marley on a ketamine binge. With Elon Musk openly blackmailing House Republicans to kill the spending bill all week, latye-night hosts maintained that it’s glaringly obvious that Donald Trump now has room in his capacious puppet-hole for a second foreign oligarch operating him like the world’s least popular Muppet.
As Seth Meyers put it in his “A Closer Look” segment on Thursday, “Oh my God, you let him do you a favor and now you can’t get rid of him. You got Cable Guy-ed by Elon Musk.”
[On pundits speculating that having two tetchy egomaniacs vying for White House power will be “interesting”] “Oh, it’ll definitely be interesting. The same way it’d be interesting putting a leopard in the gorilla enclosure at the zoo. ‘Oh, I wonder what will happen. I bet they’ll be friends.'”
seth meyers
“I’m sure the Founders are spinning in their graves with joy at the way all of this is playing out. After all, the Constitution does start with, ‘We the people do whatever rich boy tells us. Rich boy makes the big square truck car! LOL.'”
stephen colbert
“Just as a rule, if the same guy who tells you he’s turning down millions of dollars is also doing infomercials for his own bibles, take it with a grain of salt.”
seth meyers
“If they ever say anything that ends with ’99 cents,’ they need money.”
seth meyers
“Last night President-Elect Trump hosted Jeff Bezos at Mar-a-Lago, but an hour into the dinner Elon Musk showed up and sat between them at the table. Even Trump was like, ‘Okay, this is actually starting to freak me out.'”
jimmy fallon
“To settle who he loves more, Elon and Bezos are gonna put Trump in the middle of the room and see who Trump goes to first.”
jimmy fallon
“I’m sorry, but I just cannot imagine Donald Trump turning down money. And I can imagine him doing almost anything. I can imagine him shoving a bridesmaid to catch a bouquet at a wedding. I can imagine him driving his golf cart on the thruway. I can imagine him performing oral sex on a microphone (since that’s a real thing he did). Still can’t believe that’s an American president and not an eighth-grader trying to get kicked off the debate team.”
seth meyers
[On the increasing impression that Elon Musk is operating as the actual president] “Woof. Well if he’s gonna be the guy running everything, I’m gonna have to have to work on my Elon Musk impression. Here goes: [awkward little stage-leap.]”
stephen colbert
[On Trump’s claims that Joe Biden is the one beholden to Big Tech] “May I remind you, you were the one, not Joe Biden, who had a billionaire tech mogul jumping around with you onstage like a golden retriever who snuck into a bounce house.”
seth meyers
[On speculation that Musk’s meddling has doomed House Speaker Mike Johnson] “So Johnson might have to move on to a new job, and hopefully one that’s more pleasant than trying to wrangle the House Republican caucus. Like septic tank snorkeler.”
stephen colbert
And You Thought Elf on a Shelf Was Scary
Don’t get me wrong, that leering little snitch is deeply unsettling. But as Stephen Colbert noted in his last pre-holiday monologue, other countries have their own traditions destined to send kids to sleep with dreams of “Please don’t let the Christmas monster get me!” dancing in their heads.
[On Iceland’s mythical yule cat, who prowls the night looking to eat children not wearing their new Christmas clothes] “I gotta say, the more I learn about Iceland, the more normal Bjork seems.”
stephen colbert
[On Italy’s Belfana, a holiday witch who gives shame-presents for missing the birth of Christ] “Even worse, when she sent a baby gift, she went off registry. ‘Ugh, Mary we need a new car seat, not more myrrh.'”
stephen colbert
[On Catalonia’s googly-eyed pooping log, which children beat with sticks until presents fall out its butt] “Whereas here in America, children sing traditional songs and beat on the bathroom door to stop you from pooping. ‘Kids, I don’t want to freak you out but if daddy doesn’t get some quiet time in here with his Dave Barry book, someone’s gonna kill Santa.'”
stephen colbert
[On Wales’ cow skull-headed mascot Mari Lwyd] “[Singing] It’s beginning to look a lot like horse skull.”
stephen colbert
The Gaetz Swings Back Open
At least the government will give us one last present before it shuts down, as the House Ethics Committee has reversed course and announced that it will release its report on former Florida Congressman and accused underage Venmo sex creep, Matt Gaetz on Friday after all. Gaetz, who resigned from his seat to take Trump’s Attorney General nomination before dropping out to take a job at a news network that makes Fox look reputable, has cried foul.
Sadly for Gaetz, it appears the committee members’ spines grew three sizes just in time for the holidays.
“Now you may remember that Gaetz was nominated to be Attorney General before it came to light that he’s awful and everyone hates him. Also there’s that nitpick that he might be a sex criminal.”
stephen colbert
[On one of Gaetz many alleged crimes] “And sex trafficking is terrible, That’s why I don’t do orgies. I can’t stand the bumper-to-bumper.”
stephen colbert
“The report is expected to drop tomorrow, so I will have some hot, fresh jokes on that… in January.”
stephen colbert
And Person Who…
A photo, a zinger, and we’re out.
“There’s some breaking news about former Florida House member and Bob’s Big Botox Boy, Matt Gaetz.”
stephen colbert
“Now we move over to Spain, aka Italy with smaller plates.”
stephen colbert
Potpourri
[On the countdown to Christmas] “We’re now at the point where ambulances pull over to let Amazon vans pass by.”
jimmy fallon
“Today thousands of Amazon workers went on strike. it’s not good, but everyone who waited too long to order a gift is like, Sweet, there’s my excuse.”
jimmy fallon
[After reports of the rise of bird flu warning those who engage in “recreational contact” with birds] “No recreational contact? Damn, that really throws a wrench in my all-goose pickleball league.”
stephen colbert
“North Korean hackers stole 1.3 billion dollars worth of crypto this year. Until now I thought a North Korean hacker was just what they called Kim Jong Un’s barber.”
jimmy fallon
[On the release of Sonic the Hedgehog 3] “The movie reunites Knuckles and Tails. Speaking of reuniting knuckles and tails, the McRib is back at McDonald’s.”
jimmy fallon
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These fools are doing more harm to this country than good. All the talk shows that are so negative. Don’t do anything to bring this country together. None of the talkshow hosts are funny, they will never be a Johnny Carson. Johnny was funny. He didn’t have to pick on people to hold an audience. He didn’t have to use politics to create a joke. The fools of today don’t create laughter & happiness, they create hate.