Thurs Night Monologues: Tick-Tock, Democracy

Missed Thursday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.

25 Days Later

Yep, that’s when our long national nightmare will finally be over—or will get immeasurably, incalculably, unthinkably worse. (Election Day is less than a month away, and the fact that this election is remotely close has late-night hosts doggedly strapping in for the final comedy push.

With both candidates and their running mates making campaign stops everywhere from video game livestreams and podcasts to—in Donald Trump’s case—whatever half-empty gymnasiums he hasn’t been banned from for nonpayment of debts, voters and viewers are similarly exhausted, anxious, and angry. So you know, just the right mood for comedy.

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“Just think, in only 25 days Trump will either be saying he won or be saying he didn’t lose.”

jimmy fallon

“In a new interview, former President Trump said that he doesn’t ramble in his speeches and that he does a thing called ‘the weave.’ Then a crowd does a thing called ‘the leave.'”

seth meyers

“The polls say it is a toss-up. It might ultimately come down to which candidate can deliver a new RV to Clarence Thomas first.” 

jimmy kimmel

“Yup, 25 days. Trump just got an election advent calendar that gives him a new conspiracy theory every day. ‘Ooh, immigrants are stealing our Hulu passwords.'”

jimmy fallon

“No school has ever changed a boy into a girl. We’re supposed to believe the same schools that make you sign a permission slip for your kids to go to the planetarium are taking them for sex change operations.” 

jimmy kimmel

“In a new interview, radio host Howard Stern says that he sees Vice President Kamala Harris as ‘the law and order candidate,’ and Trump as the Law & Order guest star.” 

seth meyers

“Last night, Harris’ running mate Tim Walz held a campaign event on Twitch during a World of Warcraft livestream. Not to be outdone, J,.D. Vance appeared on a series of TikTok makeup tutorials.”

jimmy fallon

“That’s right, Walz campaigned on a World of Warcraft livestream. It went great, he made a lot of progress with undecided orcs.”

jimmy fallon

[On Trump delivering a rambling speech attacking how a Harris economy would turn America into Detroit—in front of the Detroit Economic Club] “‘You guys are living in a real dump. I wouldn’t want to do business here. PU, vote for me.'” 

jimmy kimmel

“According to a new CNN fact check, former President Trump made at least 11 false claims this week in an interview with conservative radio host Hugh Hewitt. Only 11? Was it a four-minute interview? I feel like Trump could make 11 false claims during a haiku.”

seth meyers

“After Trump turned down CNN, Fox News offered to host a second presidential debate but Trump immediately said no. Fox was so upset they changed the name of their morning show to Fox & I Thought We Were Friends.”

jimmy fallon

Donald Trump’s Miss Ogyny Pageant

Now, nobody’s saying that sneering conservatives obsessing over whether their every move, thought, and choice conforms to rigid gender stereotypes that fully formed adults grow out of before they leave middle school are actually just stunted, pathetic little man-babies. Oh, wait. Jordan Klepper is saying exactly that. Apologies. See, a real man can admit when he’s wrong.

Yes, the second female candidate for President of the United States is facing the same uphill climb as the first, as polls show that Donald Trump—the convicted sex criminal who obsesses over whether he has the best beach body, employs an army of hair and makeup specialists so as not to look his age, and whines like a diaper-damp toddler about literally every single thing that doesn’t go his way—is the favorite choice of a majority of American males. Now again, nobody in the world is saying that defensively flocking to a self-proclaimed “alpha male” who grovels at the feet of other, more alpha male world dictators and whose signature campaign dance move looks suspiciously like that scene in Silicon Valley is the laughably transparent habit of stunted little schoolyard bullies in constant, desperate terror of not living up to their daddy’s (or orange-tinted surrogate daddy’s) stern and horrible judgement.

Okay, Jordan Klepper definitely is. Oh, and Sam Elliott. And Nick Offerman. Jeff Bridges, too. Basically anybody not stuck in an arrested shame-spiral of inadequate, half-formed insecurity and puny self-hatred.

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“Maybe this shouldn’t really come as a surprise. There’s a reason why America has the same number of female presidents as the Taliban.” 

jordan klepper

[After a montage of Fox News types playing the “real men don’t vote for chicks” card] “Exactly! Republicans are the party of real men. Real tough men who are strong, and love America, and won’t back down and hate Democrat-run cities because there are so many scary people there, oh Mama, please don’t let me get murdered when I’m crossing the street! Oh God, Mommy, the streets are dirty and there are immigrants! Please, please, please send Donald Trump to help me! Mommy, I’m so scared!

jordan klepper

“But that’s what a right-winger believes. If you vote for a woman, your penis evaporates. And then you just walk out of the voting booth with a smooth mound with an ‘I Voted’ sticker on it.” 

jordan klepper

[On conservative attacks on V.P. candidate Tim Walz] “Yeah, yeah, real men don’t drink milkshakes with a straw! You crawl your way into a cow and drink it from the inside. Or you punch the milkshake then lick the remains from your hands. Or, and maybe this one is a long shot, real men don’t have opinions about the right way to drink a vanilla milkshake?” 

jordan klepper

“You know, this shows you how much they love moving the goalpost. Democrats nominate a deer hunting military vet football coach who can change a spark plug and you’re like, ‘But have you seen the way he waves?'”

jordan klepper

“You know, for a bunch of manly men, you guys are some catty little bitches.”

jordan klepper

Nominate a Clown, Get a Sideshow

Not that American political campaigns have ever been sober, issue-focused, fundamentally constructive battle of well-intentioned competing political visions or anything. But man has the rise of Donald Trump turned this quadrennial election gauntlet into a virtual clown car stuffed with every conspiracy-headed nimrod, transparent hypocrite, and serial liar America can flush out of its filthiest crevices with the lure of a guest shot on Fox News. Jimmy Kimmel digging up a clip of Trump audibly farting onstage pretty much sums up how things are going.

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“That’s our Founding Farter right there. That’s our Mayor McCut-the-Cheese.”

jimmy kimmel

[On Trump’s stubborn denial of a solid Biden administration economy] “Now look, in Trumps’ defense, just because the numbers are good doesn’t mean’t mean that people aren’t struggling. I mean just the other day I saw a desperate American pawning everything he owns for chump change. [Photos of Trump hawking t-shirts, Chinese-made Bibles, NFTs, and more.]”

jordan klepper

“You know, so sad. That Bitcoin was a family heirloom.”

jordan klepper

“The Kremlin confirmed reports yesterday that during the coronavirus pandemic, President Trump sent Russian President Vladimir Putin several Covid testing machines for personal use. Well who are you gonna believe, the Kremlin spokesman or the other Kremlin spokesman?”

seth meyers

[On GOP Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene’s repeated claim that Democrats control the weather to target Republican voters] “Has anyone thought of unplugging America and plugging it back in again? Because we could use a reboot.”

jimmy kimmel

[On Greene, Trump, and other Republicans’ lies about the government response to Hurricanes Helene and Milton inspiring MAGA death threats against meteorologists] “These poor local weather people, haven’t they been through enough? They get up at the crack of dawn to tell us what jacket to wear. We reward them by sharing screengrabs where they’re standing next to a storm pattern that looks like a boner, and now this.”

jimmy kimmel

“When asked about his former Vice President Mike Pence, former President Trump said that they had a very good relationship but added that he couldn’t ‘cross the line of doing what was right.’ And if you’ve ever doubted Trump knew he lost the election, the phrase ‘cross the line’ proves it. No one ever crosses the line to do what’s right. They cross the line to do what’s wrong. No one ever says, ‘Darling this flower arrangement you got me truly crosses the line—of love. Happy anniversary to you as well!'”

seth meyers

“In his upcoming book, journalist Bob Woodward says that behind closed doors, President Biden refers to former President Trump as ‘that f**king assh*le.’ Wow, who would have guessed Biden had so much in common with Melania.”

seth meyers

“In her appearance on Fox News’ The Five this week, former First Lady Melania Trump said that former President Trump does not sleep much. Then again, she wasn’t really around when he was in court.”

seth meyers

Potpourri

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“A passenger on an American Airlines flight from New York to Detroit recently claimed that they found a bedbug in their first class seat. The flight crew promptly escorted it back to coach where it belonged.”

seth meyers

[On the New York Mets reaching the NLCS] “That’s right, Mets fans are fired up. They’re like, ‘What’s this feeling? It’s like opposite-sad?'”

jimmy fallon

“In honor of Halloween, Chipotle has announced that it will offer burritos to customers in costume for $6 after 3 p.m. And the burrito comes with a warning if your burrito comes with a leotard.”

seth meyers

“IKEA just announced that their sales are down by five percent. Now IKEA executives are fighting so much they sound like every couple at IKEA.”

jimmy fallon

“The retailer Spirit Halloween this week announced it would test out a new Spirit Christmas concept this year. It’s the perfect place to pick up an Obese Chimney Intruder costume.”

seth meyers

“Crocs just announced that they’re releasing pet Crocs. So now if your dog runs away, you know why.” 

jimmy fallon

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