Missed Thursday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.
Stochastic Journalism
While Lisa Simpson memorably described “stochastic” by its more benign definition, the word has increasingly become attached to “terrorism” in a world where social media platforms have become launching pads for mass-harassment and targeted violence. The fact that Donald Trump’s ongoing felony criminal trial has been struggling to impanel a jury based on the former President and defendant’s signature strategy of siccing his fanatical supporters on people he doesn’t like is rapidly popularizing the term even further.
Not that Trump is alone—as soon as the jury pool was whittled down to a handful of lucky citizens, news outlets have rushed to publicize literally every personal detail they can glean from the proceeding’s increasingly inadequate privacy policies. At least one chosen juror has bailed after friends and family came to her with concerns, having ascertained her identity from the nightly news, while Fox News’ Jesse Watters has been undisguisedly gleeful about prodding Trump-worshipping viewers toward jurors’ private details. Of course, the fact that Trump’s trial is being treated with the same concerns for juror safety as that of a murderous Mob boss is its own issue, but late-night hosts are comically questioning how the media is covering a trial where the powerful defendant and his own mob represent a clear and present danger to not only the administration of justice, but jurors’ actual lives.
[After a CNN reporter says the media needs to be more careful about exposing jurors’ info] “He’s talking about you! You’re the media! This reporter just put her entire LinkedIn page on the screen… The call is coming from inside the newsroom, girl.”
dulcé sloan
“A full jury has been picked for Donald Trump’s New York trial, plus one alternate has been seated, too. So 13—also known as a Stormy dozen.”
stephen colbert
“It’s 2024! That’s enough information to track down anybody. I once found a guy based on the shape of a cloud in the background of his IG story.”
dulcé sloan
[After one juror was excused after saying she wouldn’t believe Trump “if his tongue had been notarized”] “That woman, she did not get picked a s a juror, but I would like to hire her as a writer if she’s interested.”
jimmy kimmel
“Remember, when we went to bed last night there were seven confirmed jurors. Then this morning that number went down to six, then down to five. [Singing, to the tune of “100 Bottles of Beer on the Wall”] ‘Five jurors confirmed on the case, five jurors confirmed, Take one down, threaten his family, four jurors confirmed on the case.'”
stephen colbert
[After outlets reported on jurors’ hobbies, including fly fishing] “Oh I love the fly fishing in Manhattan. I mean, I get up at 5 a.m. when the light’s just right. I head out to the large puddle on the corner of 38th and 10th and just… Yesterday I caught a Band-Aid this big.”
stephen colbert
Say Goodbye to Your Johnson
Even though House Speaker Mike Johnson recently toed the GOP line by appearing alongside Donald Trump to push for a bigot-courting bill making voting by people in the country illegally illegal (Note: That is already illegal), the embattled republican appeared on the verge of actually bucking his own party’s pro-Russia fringe by allowing a vote on an aid bill that includes arms for Ukraine. Even with the GOp track record of not doing the right thing ever, hosts were cautiously optimistic on Thursday, even as they admitted that nutjob fringe leader Marjorie Taylor Greene has Johnson in her sights.
As The Daily Show‘s Dulcé Sloan noted, shaking her head, “That was your first mistake right there, doing the right thing in Congress. You must be new here.”
“Being the Speaker of the House nowadays is like being Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend, you hang on for as long as you can. Just try and enjoy the ride.”
jimmy kimmel
“This lady has the strongest Karen energy I have ever seen. Last time I saw a white lady that pissed off about a bill, she was getting kicked out of a Chili’s.”
Dulcé sloan
“Mike Johnson. You know, the guy who looks like a kid dressed as an adult for the school play?”
jimmy kimmel
“I don’t know if she’s gonna get Mike Johnson fired, but she’s definitely gonna get store credit for something.”
dulcé sloan
“This party is insane, Somehow Mike Johnson, a man who called Planned Parenthood part of an American Holocaust, isn’t right-wing enough for these people. Mike Johnson, a climate change-denying, homophobic religious fanatic, knows that getting Ukraine these weapons is the right thing to do. And even though his party is terrified of Jello Putin-lover Trump, he’s doing it anyway, and that’s why they’re going to destroy him.”
jimmy kimmel
“The House is all about having representation, and she certainly is representing all the moms out there who have assaulted a kid’s soccer coach.”
dulcé sloan
“This woman is like one of those friends who complains about a boyfriend but it just makes her sound bad. Like, ‘Can you believe Mark cancelled dinner with me just to visit his mom in hospice?'”
dulcé sloan
The Don Wets His Beak
After Presidential daughter-in-law Lara Trump was put in charge of the Republican National Committee, some people speculated that the RNC would become a one-stop money-laundering enterprise/piggy bank for the Trump campaign and Trump’s personal legal bills. Those people were right, as the RNC is now “suggesting” that all Republican candidates who use Trump’s likeness kick at least 5 percent of money raised to Trump.
“Damn. Donald Trump is shaking down the candidates in his own party? For a cut of their money? Oh, this is some straight-up Mafia sh*t. Trump’s about to leave a horse head in someone’s bed. Or even scarier, Rudy Giuliani.”
dulcé sloan
“Do you know how crazy this is? Usually candidates in the same political party campaign together, because they have a shared vision for the country. Trump is like, ‘F*ck that, find me on Venmo.'”
dulcé sloan
“Obama was never like, ‘Hope and change. And when I say change, I mean empty your pockets.'”
dulcé sloan
Shallow Polling
Stephen Colbert had some notes for a recent poll asking the truly tough questions about the upcoming, all-or-nothing for American democracy presidential election. Like, “Who can eat the most hot dogs?” And “Who could beat up a dog?”
“This must be [such] comforting news for Trump. ‘Uh, Mr. President, there’s gonna be weeks of humiliating testimony about your sexual infidelity but I wanted you to know you did just win a poll saying you could swallow much more pureed hog anus.'”
stephen colbert
[On a majority of those polled saying Trump could best fight a “medium-sized dog”] “We already know he can dominate a lapdog because I’ve seen him with Lindsey Graham.”
stephen colbert
[After revealing that President Biden won in categories from housesitting to changing a baby’s diaper] “Kinda tells you everything you need to know about this election. ‘Well, I trust Biden with all the tasks that require care and empathy. But, well, but I’m gonna go with the guy who could body slam a poodle through a picnic table.'”
stephen colbert
Trump Trial Notes
“It’s just Day 3 of the hush money trial from here in New York, New York, the city that never sleeps—unless you’re Donald Trump in a courtroom.”
Stephen Colbert
“And we have a new trial of the century—The People of New York vs. Donald Trump. And so far, the people are winning.”
jimmy kimmel
[After Trump complained about the courtroom temperature] “He hasn’t been that cold since the last time he was in bed with Melania.”
jimmy Kimmel
[On Trump complaining about the established law that his lawyers don’t getting unlimited “strikes” to disqualify jurors without cause] “Yes, strikes, famously unlimited. That’s why umpires yell, ‘Strike three! You’re… at the start of beautiful journey.”
stephen colbert
“I think he’s mixing up strikes with unlimited breadsticks.”
stephen colbert
[On a courtroom photo] “Those shades aren’t even on the same Sherwin-Williams color palette. He looks like a cantaloupe wearing batting gloves.”
jimmy kimmel
Potpourri
[After the entire Kennedy clan endorsed Joe Biden over Robert F. Kennedy Jr. for President] “Can you imagine being at your own wedding and, when the pastor asks if anyone objects, your entire family stands up and goes,’ Please don’t marry this man! We know him better than anyone and he sucks!'”
dulcé sloan
“While he was in New York, Trump took some time off from the courtroom to pretend to be President again. Because yesterday he met with polish President Andrzej Duda. [Singing, to the tune of “Camptown Races”] ‘Who is sucking up to Trump? Duda, Duda.’ How long did they meet? Oh, all the doo-dah day?”
stephen colbert
“Duda is just the latest in a series of strongmen who have visited Trump recently, earlier this year, Trump met with the right-wing populist president of Argentina, Javier Milei as well as Hungary’s Viktor Orbán. And who can forget this very cordial summit with Skeletor and the ghost of Jeffrey Epstein?”
stephen colbert
[On Lara Trump’s new song] “There she is, Taylor not too Swift.”
jimmy kimmel
[After President Biden claimed his uncle was eaten by cannibals after being shot down in WWII] “Okay, that’s either a very unusual story or another one of Biden’s folksy phrases. Like, ‘I guess I woke up on the wrong side of cannibals eating my uncle this morning.’ ‘Well, you know, you cant make an omelette without cannibals eating my uncle.'”
stephen colbert
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