Missed Thursday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.
Mayor-ly Screwed
Being the Mayor of New York City is a terrible job in the best of times. Having to justly and fairly administer a city government for over 8 million people is hard enough, but what if you’re also a transparently, comically corrupt creep? Man, that’ll give anyone a case of the Mondays.
That’s the position two New York Mayors—one current, one previous—found themselves in on Thursday. First up was former mayor turned “Donald Trump’s law goblin and personal chia pet” (Seth Meyers’ words), Rudy Giuliani, who found his law license permanently terminated in Washington D.C. for his part in lying about Trump losing the 2020 presidential election. That follows his recent disbarment in good old NYC, leaving the former “America’s Mayor” to stew in whatever cheap rotgut he can afford after paying the two Georgia election workers the $148 million he owes for slandering them on Trump’s behalf.
And then there’s Eric Adams, the big-talking former cop turned Democratic current NYC mayor, who was hit with a wide-ranging indictment in which he’s accused of taking bribes from Turkish nationals for preferential treatment, among other shady, woefully corrupt double-dealings. For Adams, a supposed rising Democratic star who Democrats can’t stand for his decidedly police state-style approach to mayor-ing (and who recently and loudly supported an NYPD officer who shot several people, including another officer, while pursuing a $3 subway fare-jumper), the indictment seems to fly in the red-from-whining face of one Donald Trump, who has maintained that “even Mother Teresa” couldn’t get a fair trial in Democratic stronghold NYC.
Meanwhile, it’s hard to find a Democratic voter not calling for Adams to resign from office, at the very least. It’s almost like guilty-as-sin Republicans are just making up the courts’ so-called liberal bias in order to distract from their own crimes. Or something.
As longtime New Yorker Seth Meyers summed up this day in NYC mayoral shame, “So Rudy got disbarred. Man, this has got to be the worst thing that happened to a New York City mayor today… what’s that?”
“[Adams is] known for a lot of things, from clubbing downtown, to clubbing in Midtown, to clubbing during work hours. He’s having the best time, and the party is never gonna end. [News clips of Adams being indicted] Can someone check if there’s bottle service at Rikers?”
desi lydic
“Terrible news for Rudy, I mean if he even understands it. Rudy, you’ve been disbarred. ‘Oh no, I can’t go to dis bar?'”
seth meyers
“To which Rudy responded, ‘I’ve been disbarred? But I can still go in to dis bar, right?'”
stephen colbert, parallel joking
“The good news is that Rudy, who is now 80 years old, will have more time to fart on his family.”
jimmy kimmel
“Rudy’s already been disbarred in New York, now he’s been disbarred in D.C. If this keeps up, the only place he’ll be allowed to practice law is on that giant great Pacific garbage island made of plastic bottles. ‘Excuse me, Mr. Walrus, I saw you got rear-ended by that barge full of Mountain Dew. Here’s my card. Sorry it’s written on a seashell but the fax number is current.'”
seth meyers
“Yes, Mayor Adams is accused of bribery, fraud, and corruption. It’s always fun when the city mimics the exact plot of a Batman movie.”
jimmy fallon
“It’s a sad day in New York City when foreign nations are bribing the mayor to rush permits. That is the Mob’s job, okay? Those should be American bribes!”
desi lydic
“Imagine how corrupt you have to be to make history as the first sitting mayor to be indicted in a city where this guy [puts up picture of Rudy] was also the mayor. Imagine having to call Rudy to ask, ‘You never got indicted as mayor, what’s your secret?'”
seth meyers
“Adams is the first sitting mayor of New York City to be indicted. It’s shocking. When Rudy Giuliani heard that, he was like, ‘That can’t be right.'”
jimmy fallon
“At one point, New York public libraries were forced to close on Sundays due to budget cuts while the NYPD was rolling out completely useless police robots. And I just really hope that when Adams turned himself in, that’s who was greeting him at the station. [Robot voice] ‘Eric, this hurts me as much as it hurts you.'”
seth meyers
“And this ain’t over either. Because this morning the feds seized Adams’ phone. And in a totally not guilty move, Adams said he couldn’t unlock the phone, claiming he had forgotten the password he had just set. And the face ID wouldn’t work because the phone now swears it never met him.”
stephen colbert
[Clip of Adams explaining that he tells his staff every morning that they have to obey the law] “As we know, the most trustworthy people are the ones who are constantly telling you how trustworthy they are. It’s like how most faithful spouses start every morning reminding themselves not to cheat. If you’ve got one of those, ladies, hang on, hang on tight.”
desi lydic
“You shouldn’t have to say that. That’s not the brag you think it is. That’s like seeing a sign outside a Ramada Inn that reads, ‘We don’t have sex in the beds when they’re vacant.'”
stephen colbert
[On one of Adams most braggadocious taunts] “What? That sounds like the first draft of something a WWE wrestler would yell into the camera. ‘My haters become my waiters when I sit down at the table of success… wait a minute. Let me start over. My haters are like waiters because when they ask if anyone at the table has allergies, I tell ‘em I’m allergic to losing… nope, that’s no good either. Okay forget the waiter thing, I’m gonna beat you in wrestling, brother.'”
seth meyers
[On accusations that Adams accepted some of his bribes in the form of airline upgrades] “Let me get this straight. I’ve heard of politicians being paid off in bags of cash and fancy cars and gold bars. But this is the first time I’ve heard of selling out the city to get medallion status on Turkish Airlines. I mean, c’mon, buddy, if you want to get bumped up to first class, just say you found a pube in your pretzels. It works every time.”
desi lydic
[On Adams suspicious habit of rerouting trips through Turkish Airline hubs] “Ugh, our mayor is bad at crime and geography. God, this isn’t jst embarrassing as a mayor, this is embarrassing as a boyfriend. ‘Hey baby, Hawaii sounds fun. But what about a three-hour layover in Istanbul? And then Estonia? It is the Hawaii of Eastern Europe.'”
desi lydic
[On reports that Adams accepted bribes to allow his Turkish benefactors to occupy a building that wouldn’t pass fire code] “This is the worst bribery deal ever. ‘Listen, if you slip me a couple hundred grand I’ll make double sure there’s no fire extinguishers in your building.'”
desi lydic
“That is kind of an unusual bribe. ‘Hey, Your Honor, what’s it gonna take for you to make sure I die in a fire?'”
stephen colbert
“Today Adams insisted he’s innocent and made it clear he has no intention of resigning. Then he said, ‘Unless someone wants to give me a hundred grand to go away, and then…'”
jimmy fallon
“Fellow Democrats are calling on him to resign, whereas Republicans are urging him to run for governor of North Carolina.”
jimmy kimmel
[On the more than a dozen Adams administration figures also facing criminal investigations] “This is actually kind of impressive. Adams has assembled multiple branches of an administration all committed to a shared vision of breaking the law. I can’t even get my coworkers to go apple picking with me.”
desi lydic
“Today, federal agents searched the mayor’s residence and, out of habit, when they drove past Fifth Avenue Trump dove behind the couch and yelled, ‘Hit the lights!'”
jimmy fallon
[On Donald Trump’s claim of NYC legal bias] “Oh, was Mother Teresa also running a scam where she paid hush money to a porn star during a presidential campaign and illegally recorded it as a business expense to hide it from voters? We all remember when she got indicted for stealing classified documents and sneaking them aboard her private jet.”
seth meyers
“They just indicted the sitting Democratic mayor, I think it’s safe to say they’re not gunning for Republicans. It has less to do with your political party and more to do with being corrupt. Because New Yorkers can sniff out a scam anywhere. We all know when you see a man selling handbags on the street to double check the label. ‘Hey, it’s not a Coach, it’s a Cooch!’ ‘Heeey, it’s just as good!'”
seth meyers
“It’s not just suspicious ties with Turkey. Over the summer, the feds also subpoenaed records from Adams related to five other countries: Israel, China, Qatar, Uzbekistan, and South Korea. Or as they’re known by their acronym, SUC QIT.”
stephen colbert
Shillin’ Like a Villain
Despite his campaign claims that President Biden and Vice President Harris’s economic policies have priced hard working Americans into the poorhouse, Donald Trump continues to take time to appear in cheesy infomercials hawking overpriced luxury goods. You know, like a legitimate, not at all scammy political candidate does.
After recent launches of Trump cryptocurrency and Trump coins, Trump unveiled his new line of Trump watches, with him cooing especially over the top of the line model, which retails for $100,000. Cue Jimmy Fallon signaling his in-house drummer for some quick-fire rim-shots.
“You can tell it’s a Trump watch because the hands are tiny.”
jimmy fallon
“You can tell it’s a Trump watch because if you buy two they link together like handcuffs.”
jimmy fallon
“You can tell it’s a Trump watch because when you try to set it to military time it says, ‘Sorry, I have bone spurs.'”
jimmy fallon
“That’s right, a Trump watch. There’s one for men and one for women that’s set back 50 years.”
jimmy fallon
“Today Trump finally revealed his plan for comprehensive health care reform. Just kidding, he unveiled more Trump-brand crap to sell to his lemmings.”
jimmy kimmel
“Man, he will slap his name on anything at all. Doesn’t matter what it is—Donald Trump watches, Donald Trump coins, Donald Trump Jr.”
jimmy kimmel
“Let me get this straight, the Biden economy is such a mess, people can’t afford to buy apples. They can afford a hundred thousand dollar Trump watch.”
jimmy kimmel
[On the name of Trump’s new timepiece concern, Trump Time] “Trump time, FYI, is five-to-seven years, four with good behavior.”
jimmy kimmel
Happy Campaign Trails, Pardner
While the recent, profanity-punctuated Kamala Harris campaign ad from none other than cowboy legend and gravelly professional man’s man Sam Elliott was certainly a bracing appeal for American men to get over their nonsense and vote for the more qualified, less egregiously traitorous candidate, Stephen Colbert was nonetheless taken aback.
[After Elliott sneers at men to get over “the woman thing” and vote for Harris] “But I gotta say it’s a little jarring to hear Sam Elliott use the phrase ‘woman thing.’ ‘Okay son, there’s a man thing and a woman thing. And then they use their beautiful things in a beautiful way and then nine months later a baby is born with a beautiful mustache.'”
stephen colbert
[On Elliott urging male voters to “be a man and vote for a woman”] “That is powerful, and also one of the rare times the phrase ‘be a man’ is followed by a positive message. ‘Dude, did you see that chick at the end of the bar? How about you be a man, walk over there, and keep on walking ‘cause she’s reading a book. Leave her alone!'”
stephen colbert
Meanwhile, in Trump Land
Donald Trump is still holding rallies, where his speeches increasingly and alarmingly diverge from their supposed topic to whatever seems to float through his, let’s call it brain. This time: charts!
[After Trump pantomimes a passionate embrace with an absent chart which he claims he sleeps with and wants to kiss] “Well, this is what happens when your wife doesn’t come on the road with you.”
seth meyers
“For months it was the biggest story in politics when Joe Biden flubbed a word. Meanwhile, this dude’s hugging the air, pretending it’s a chart? I’m starting to think Trump’s actually acting as insane as he possibly can on purpose so he doesn’t have to be president for another four years. It’s like he’s trying to get out of jury duty. ‘Hey Juror #12, is there any reason why you could not render an impartial verdict?’ ‘No reason, unless a chart was entered into evidence, in which case I will jump from the jury box and try to f**k that chart.'”
seth meyers
[Following up on Trump’s genuinely creepy “I will be your protector” pitch to women voters] “And look, I know that sounds bad, but after those comments he opened a commanding polling lead among stalker husbands from Lifetime movies.”
seth meyers
“That sounded like the speech you deliver through a window on the night of a rainstorm. [Mimes talking on the phone to the cops] ‘Yeah, no, he’s here, he’s still here.'”
seth meyers
Fiddy vs.Diddy
With Sean Combs facing criminal charges from racketeering conspiracy, sex trafficking by force, and transportation for purposes of prostitution, among others, there’s some notable schadenfreude coming from the hip-hop community. Namely from longtime Diddy critic Curtis “50 Cent” Jackson, who announced this week plans for a new Netflix documentary exposing Combs’ alleged crimes.
“Fiddy has been feuding with Diddy for almost 20 years, and now Fiddy is making a documentary about Diddy for Netflix. Let’s see Kendrick top that one.”
jimmy kimmel
“I have to say though, we’ve come a long way since Biggie and Tupac. Now we settle blood feuds on the same platform that brings us The Great British Baking Show.”
jimmy kimmel
“This is how all conflicts should be handled by the way. You get in a fight with someone, instead of shooting each other, you say, ‘I’ll see you at Sundance.'”
jimmy kimmel
[Addressing one of the more icky details in Combs’ indictment—the discovery of 100 bottles of baby oil in one of Diddy’s sex pads—one of his lawyers attempted to explain that the rap mogul is just thrifty] “‘Americans buy in bulk?’ Don’t blame Costco for this.”
jimmy kimmel
Potpourri
“Due to people letting them go in the wild, Petco is going to stop selling rabbits. Petco, or as Trump calls it, ‘the hottest restaurant in Springfield, Ohio.'”
jimmy fallon
[On the Florida-menacing Hurricane Helene] “The storm is being tracked by the National Hurricane Center and the National Weather Service, both of which would be disbanded under Trump’s Project 2025. For real, their solution to the hurricanes is, ‘Eh, I’d rather not know.'”
jimmy kimmel
“Southwest stock is skyrocketing after laying out their plans to offer assigned seats, extra leg room, and red eye flights. Yeah, they’re really classing it up. They might even start springing for name brand duct tape.”
jimmy fallon
[On Melania Trump’s recent interview] “It was a big get for Fox News. You know, rarely does Fox News allow a brunette to appear on television.”
jimmy kimmel
“This wasn’t so much an interview as it was a proof of life video.”
Jimmy kimmel
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