Donald Trump’s abrupt about-face on his tariff plan was still the main topic of Thursday’s monologues. Toss in a heaping helping of right-wing talking heads arguing that said retreat was the president’s plan all along, and a new bathroom-related executive order and you’ve got a recipe for late-night schadenfreude. Here’s our rundown.
Seth Meyers
The Late Night host mocked both Donald Trump for caving on his tariffs plan and his cabinet members and right-wing media supporters for claiming that Trump pausing his tariffs on every country except China were part of a grand plan. Meyers also joined those accusing Trump of market manipulation for posting on social media “THIS IS A GREAT TIME TO BUY!” right before pausing his tariffs.
“When your staff goes that over the top with praise, that’s when you know you f*cked up. I mean, they’re clearly overcompensating. They sound like Hollywood agents after a giant flop. ‘You crushed it. I mean, you killed it. Don’t listen to the critics, The Emoji Movie was art.'”
In reaction to Agriculture Secretary Brooke Rollins’ hyperbolic praise of trump
“It’s always funny when even Trump sounds like he wants to get the hell out of here. ‘I haven’t seen it, I’ve been stuck in this godforsaken meeting for two hours. Next time maybe you guys could kiss my ass over email?'”
on trump claiming he wasn’t watching the stock market
“Because you tanked it! You set a house on fire and then you called the fire department, now you want credit for saving the house from the fire you started. ‘The house is still there, you’re welcome. Yes, a lot of it is very black and everything’s wet, but once again I have to stress, you are welcome.'”
on trump talking credit for calming the market crash
“The president should never describe people as getting ‘yippy.’ That’s how an old lady describes a dog that gets nervous around kids.”
On trump’s explanation for backing down
Desi Lydic
The Daily Show host took aim at Kristi Noem’s unfortunate photo op and Trump’s newest executive order.
“Wow, give it up for friendly fire Barbie, everyone.”
on homeland security head kristi noem posing with a gun pointed straight At a federal agent’s head
“To be fair, this is Kristi Noem… and those agents were wearing dog tags.”
“So congrats in advance to your dentist for his new Bentley.”
on HHS head robert f kennedy jr’s plan to eliminate fluoridated water
“Ah yes, the war on showers, a fight Steve Bannon has been on the front line of his entire life.”
on donald trump’s plan to eliminate water-saving shower heads
Jimmy Kimmel
Kimmel also had some words for those pundits “bending over not just backwards but forwards” to justify Donald Trump’s erratic tariff plan.
“You selfish monsters. I hope you’re proud of yourselves. You couldn’t just let him drain your 401k?”
on newsmax’s carl higbie berating americans for not going along with trump’s plan
“That’s quite a metaphor. ‘This is like post-Pearl Harbor.’ No, this is like if we had bombed Pearl Harbor ourselves.”
Kimmel went on to suggest that perhaps Trump does have a grand plan after all.
“Maybe he did it to distract us from all the other horrible stuff. Maybe he did it to distract from the fact that they’re deporting college students, and firing the people in charge of fighting disease and fires, and he’s attacking judges and journalists and lawyers, he’s taking lunch and life-saving medication away from children who need it, not to mention helping his buddy Putin crush Ukraine and menacing Canada and Greenland of all places. The fact is, we have a monkey flying the plane right now. And half the passengers are like, ‘I think the monkey’s doing a good job.'”
“Trump is doing so much crazy stuff, Kanye tweeted pictures of Hitler this morning—no one even noticed.”
Kimmel also took on Trump’s crusade against the number one threat facing America today—low-flow showers.
“Yeah, it comes out drip, drip, drip. I believe that’s how Stormy described it, too.”
“You realize what’s going on here. Your grandpa, the weird one, got elected president. And now he’s gonna use the power of the power of the presidency to fix the things that bother him around the house. Like, he’s gonna sign an execuitve order to bring back the clicker because he can’t work the remote control.”
“If Joe Biden spent this much time talking about the shower heads, not only would they put him in a home, we would let them do it. We’d be like, ‘Yeah, he’s gotta go.'”
“Why would Trump even need a shower? You’d think the three-hour tongue bath he gets every morning from Fox & Friends would be sufficient.”
Jimmy Fallon
The thought of Donald Trump staring quizzically up at his shower head seemed to be too much for late-night hosts to ignore.
“America was like, ‘What are you doing with our 401k?,” and Trump was like, ‘Stronger shower nozzles.'”
“Trump said he needs to stand under the shower for 15 minutes before he gets wet. I think the problem is Trump wears so much bronzer he’s made himself waterproof.”
“KFC just introduced a fried chicken-flavored toothpaste and it sold out immediately. Yup, that was Trump’s executive order after shower heads.”
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