Tariffs on booze, presidential astronaut fan fic, Tesla vandalism, and the end of clean air and water all swirled together in Thursday’s late-night monologue stew about this week in Trump 2.0. Here’s our rundown.
Seth Meyers
For his final A Closer Look segment of the week, it was all Elon Musk all the time for Meyers. Taking a long, barely suppressed laugh at Musk’s very bad week, Meyers showed how Musk’s goal of spreading “needless misery and chaos” through government cuts has resulted in massive boycotts and protests, plummeting Tesla sales, debunked claims by Musk’s DOGE, and even the MAGA faithful of Trump world admitting the unelected billionaire is being… a bit much.
“They claimed they saved eight billion but it was actually eight million. He added three zeroes. Which is also what Trump did when he had kids.”
“I’d be pissed too if I were a member of the president’s cabinet, confirmed by the senate, vested with a statutory authority over a giant bureaucracy and White Morpheus over here tells me to fire air traffic controllers.”
on reports of a contentious oval office meeting with trump officials and musk
“Although I do love the naivety of a Trump official coming to a cabinet meeting and being shocked that things aren’t running smoothly. It’s like hiring your weed dealer as your babysitter and being surprised at the state of the house when you get home. ‘What in the hell happened here?’ ‘Uh, well, I read them The Lorax and then we all got super bummed out so I let them play with the chainsaw.'”
“The vibe is so bad that the air dancer at Tesla dealerships are just standing straight up with their arms at their sides. And it’s really weird when they don’t move at a Tesla dealership because they run on air and Elon Musk blows.”
“That interview by the way was on Newsmax. Newsmax, if you’re not familiar, is if Fox News had a crazy uncle.”
on senator John Kennedy (R-LA) being unable to hide his disdain for musk
“Also, it’s such a devastating criticism to say to someone, ‘We like what you’re doing, we just want to see less of you.’ It’s like if a friend was crashing at your place and you said, ‘We love having you as a guest but we were wondering if maybe you could sleep in the basement and not come out when we have our other friends over.'”
“Oh man. What a loud f*cking sigh. It’s rare to see a man this defeated on TV. He went from sounding like a motivational speaker to sounding like the Jets’ coach at a post-game press conference. ‘Yeah, uh [long sigh] we’re just trying to be more efficient. Maybe we’ll just cut the quarterback position entirely.'”
on musk being unable to hide his own depression at how things are going
“Musk doesn’t have Trump’s ability to pretend that everything’s going great. If Trump were in charge of Musk’s company he’d be saying, ‘We’re selling more Teslas than ever before, SpaceX just landed on Neptune, now we’re going straight to the sun—we’re gonna blow up the sun. No more solar panels, no more green new scam, no more woke. No more woke because the sun will never be out, you’ll always be asleep.'”
As Meyers showed, even Donald Trump’s “flagrantly corrupt” “desperately embarrassing infomercial” of holding a promotional event for Musk’s electric vehicles on the White House lawn didn’t help prop up Tesla’s plummeting sales and stock price. Perhaps, Meyers speculated, because Trump spent his entire campaign mocking the concept of electric cars before doing an about-face once Musk pumped $300 million into getting Trump elected
“‘I love Tesler’ sounds like a sitcom about the neighborhood nerd. ‘Honey, did Tesler do a science experiment that turned the cat into a dog?'”
on trump mispronouncing the car’s name
“Oh yeah, these people definitely sound like they’re gonna buy a Tesla. ‘I know I told you electric vehicles cost to much and they don’t go far and they don’t work in the cold and they use too much electricity and if you drive one you’ll get stuck in the desert and possibly die, but you should help out Elon and buy one. Poor guy, he’s got so many kids he doesn’t know what to do. New one shows up every day—where was I? Oh yeah, go out and buy a Tesler!'”
Stephen Colbert
The Late Show host also chimed in on the ongoing surge of disdain for Elon Musk, focusing on the recent spate of protests, mockery, and even vandalism of Musk’s signature Tesla automobiles. Colbert, while presenting himself with a trophy representing the Nobel Prize for puns (see if you can guess which joke that’s for), also teased the limits of just how openly he can cheer on such rascally behavior.
“Now I want to be clear, I do not condone violence or vandalism of any kind. That is a deeply held belief of mine that comes from the bottom of my CBS legal department.”
“To be fair, that might not be vandalism, that might be a simple mistake, because they do look an awful lot like a dumpster.”
on people dumping trash on Cybertrucks
“Whoever did it, I do not condone this, but I do appreciate your tire-less efforts.”
on the wheels being stolen from every tesla in a dealership parking lot
Colbert kicked off his Thursday monologue by continuing to remind everyone that Trump’s trade wars are tanking what had been a rather robust economy. Or as Colbert put it to open the show, “Does anyone here enjoy having money? You might need to find a new hobby.”
“It’s so bad on Wall Street, the bull just applied for a job at Chipotle. He’s hoping to get an internship as a taco.”
“And I believe on Easter, they’ll rise again.”
on egg prices skyrocketing in time for the holiday
“Which means it may be finally time to switch to Grade B eggs. You know their slogan: ‘Do they all have to be from chickens?'”
“That is gonna make it so much harder for European men to have a midlife crisis. You can’t outrun your mortality on a Vespa.”
on the EU imposing retaliatory tariffs on American Bourbon, jeans, and harley-davidson motorcycles
“So get ready to toast the next New Year’s with America’s finest sparkling beverage, Champagne Code Red.”
on trump’s 200 percent tariff on french champagne and wine
Moving on from eggs to the environment, Colbert noted how Trump’s Environmental Protection Agency is pretty much doing away with that middle word, as newly installed EPA chief Lee Zeldin announced the abolition of rules governing everything from air and water pollution to mercury contamination.
“The new highway to a Mad Max hellscape was announced by EPA administrator and Humpty Dumpty after Ozempic, Lee Zeldin.”
“Mercury poisoning is back, baby! Pretty soon your horoscope is going to read, ‘This month, Mercury is in retrograde and also in your brain, blaaaaaaggahhhaa.'”
“The mission of the Environmental Protection Agency is to protect the environment, not to sell cheaper cars. Selling used cars is the mission of Lee Zeldin’s Used Auto World.”
on zeldin redefining the Epa’s mission
Jimmy Kimmel
Not that Kimmel is blunt with his takes on the current administration, but he did kick off his Thursday monologue by musing, “Wow, you know I was thinking today, what a dumb guy we picked for president.”
“You know, there was a time when firing people was the only thing Donald Trump was good at.”
on two federal judges ordering the rehiring of thousands of workers let go by Elon Musk’s DOge
“According to a new poll from CNN, 56 percent of disapprove of Trump’s handling of the economy. And that was before Trump turned the White House into a Tesla showroom.”
“That is very unfair. He’s making it very expensive to get drunk—he’s the reason we need to get drunk.”
on trump’s tariffs on european booze
“Has a quid ever been pro quo-ed more than this one?”
on Musk giving $100 million to trump super pacs after trump’s tesla sales pitch
“The guy in charge of government efficiency just spent $100 million to sell Trump a $90,000 car.”
“Only 35 percent of Americans have a positive view of Elon Musk, 53 percent view him negatively, and 12 percent felt it would be inappropriate to respond because they are currently pregnant with one of his children.”
Jimmy Fallon
The Tonight Show host also had more expensive booze on the brain.
“That’s a lot. It’s almost enough to make you feel bad for people who buy champagne and wine.”
on trump’s 200 percent tariffs
“People who buy champagne and wine are like, ‘What’s next, a tariff on caviar and truffles?'”
“Trump’s playing a dangerous game. Nobody want’s to attend a Mike’s Hard Lemonade and cheese party.”
Fallon then addressed Trump’s continuing obsession with making Canada the 51st state, including his rambling assessment of the “artificial” border between the two countries.
“It’s stuff like this that makes people question his state.”
“People were like, ‘What about the artificial line between the United States and Mexico?,’ and Trump was like, ‘No, that one’s real.'”
“Canada was like, ‘Aww, if you guys want, you can be our eleventh province.'”
on friday’s looming government shutdown
“Our government could stop functioning. Yeah, it’s big news. Apparently our government has been functioning.”
Taylor Tomlinson
Picking at the fringes of the day in Trump weirdness, the After Midnight host had some thoughts about Donald Trump’s assessment of the supposed political motivations behind astronauts Butch Williams and Suni Wilmore being stuck on the International Space Station months longer than expected, along with some further speculation about their relationship and personal appearance.
“‘Maybe they’ll love each other?’ You’re supposed to be rescuing them, not writing fan fiction about them.”
“Also, being stuck with someone for a long time doesn’t make you fall in love, Donald. Just ask Melania.”
“Also, living with a man does not make you fall in love with them. Living with a man is disgusting. Can you imagine how much worse it is in zero gravity? You think you hate seeing his pubes in the sink, wait ’til they’re floating in the air.”
“She’s a Navy officer with a masters of science and he’s like, ‘the woman with the crazy hair.’ That’s like calling Albert Einstein ‘the tongue guy.'”
“Trump said he also asked Elon Musk to ‘go pick those astronauts up.’ Which is pretty rich coming from two guys who have never picked their kids up from school.”
Tomlinson also feigned interest in the announcement of nominees to the World Video Game Hall of Fame enough to make a few jokes.
“It’s weird to see some of these games next to each other on a list. Like, what do Tamagotchis have in common with Call of Duty? Besides how they both make tweens say, ‘Don’t die on me you little bitch!'”
“NBA2K is also on this list. You may not know this, but this game is actually huge for the LGBTQ community, because many women realized they were bisexual while watching their boyfriends play it.”
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