Missed Thursday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.
Fascists? Cowards? Why Not Both!
With the news of Donald Trump’s laughably unqualified and dangerously crooked cabinet picks seeping out like so much toxic waste stored in an Trump administration unregulated dump site, hosts were quick to note that these are merely nominations. And that surely responsible, civic-minded Republicans will step up and reject the most egregious of them in a show of backbone… and I’m just f**king with you.
As clip after clip showed, many Republicans are already falling in line behind whatever Trump loyalist is served up to them like so much rotting whale meat soup. (Soon to be prescribed as a cure-all by new Heath and Human Services head Robert F. Kennedy Jr., see below.) As Jordan Klepper noted with signature setting-up-the-punchline comic energy, “All it will take to stop him is for his own colleagues who legitimately hate him, to show the slightest bit of spine.”
Republican Rep. Troy Nehls (R-TX) literally turned himself into Trump’s dancing monkey for the cameras, promising to “jump and scratch his head” should Trump order him to—which one assumes Trump will now do, just for giggles. Senator Markwayne Mullin (R-OK), while shown in the past mocking Attorney General sex predator nominee Matt Gaetz (R-1000 Feet From Any School) for forcing his colleagues to watch his homemade porn and bragging about crushing male enhancement drugs so he can have sex with underage girls, is shown in the present day pledging to vote for any all all Trump nominees. And various Republican lawmakers, when cornered in the parking lot by a journalist asking about Gaetz, practically pull hammies speeding away, with Senator John Kennedy (R-LA) offering up an incongruous, “Happy Thanksgiving!” in order not to incur his lord and master’s anger.
At this point, it’s probably wise to note that there are only so many synonyms for “sycophant.” The confirmation process, and indeed the entire Trump administration is going to call for a lot of descriptions of people who knuckle under and slavishly debase themselves at the feet of a demented old despot, so apologies if we start to repeat ourselves. For the record, favorite synonyms for these folks include: “toady,” “bootlicker” (or “bootlick”—it just has more impact), “lackey,” “groupie,” “doormat,” and personal pick, “lickspittle.” So Republican lawmakers, ready, set—lick that spit!
“Happy Thanksgiving? Matt Gaetz has nothing to do with Thanksgiving. Besides him and the turkeys both needing pardons.”
jOrdan klepper
“‘If Donald Trump says jump, we jump. If he says scratch your heads, we scratch our heads. If he says, ‘Do the worm,” we say, ‘What’s the worm?’ And he says, ‘It’s a breakdancing move where you lie on the floor face down and you create a rippling motion with your body reminiscent of the movement of an earthworm.’ And we say, ‘How do you do that?’ And he says, ‘Just watch Raygun, she’s really good at it. So good that she’s my new Secretary of Breakdancing.'”
seth meyers
“Troy, you embarrassing yourself. He’s not going to sleep with you, okay?”
jimmy kimmel
“Don’t you guys have any self respect? When you try to pick someone up at a bar, you try to be suave. You don’t walk up to them and say, ‘Hello, did you fall from heaven because you are an angel and I will do anything you ask from me— please where are you going, do you know I can jump and scratch my head at the same time!'”
seth meyers
“I like this strategy for avoiding the press, though. ‘Sir, do you have regrets about the internment camps?’ ‘Happy Arbor Day!'”
jordan klepper
“There are many theories as to why Trump is naming this battalion of bozos to do these very important jobs. Some believe he’s testing the Republican congress to see how far he can push them. Some say he’s doing this strategically to weaken certain sections of the government. Or, and this is the theory that I believe, he’s dumb.”
jimmy kimmel
[On Mullin’s now irrelevant-to-how-he-votes story of Gaetz pre-sex preparations] “First of all, I’m not sure Matt Gaetz knows how to brag. You’re going around telling coworkers that you’re freebasing viagra? ‘And you know I had to use an extra small condom bro, yeah! Hit me up top!'”
jordan klepper
[After a clip of Senator Mark Warner (R-VA) going blank when blindsided live by the Matt Gaetz nomination] “That’s what the next four years are gonna be like. Members of the United States Senate just being shocked on air. You’d get the same reaction if you just made them watch viral videos of dudes jumping into frozen pools.”
seth meyers
“Also, who drinks energy drinks? Pound some coffee like an adult sexual predator, man!”
jordan klepper
[On theoretically “moderate” GOP Senator Lisa Murkowski (R-AK) complaining that instead of Gaetz, the country needs “a serious Attorney General”] “Also I love Republicans saying we need to have a serious Attorney General. Oh do y—you didn’t seem to feel the need for a serious president. Your party chose a deranged criminal game show host with the same makeup artist as Pagliacci who can’t close a f**king umbrella.”
seth meyers
“I don’t get it. Do you hate Matt Gaetz or do you not, Markwayne? You can’t have it both ways. Unlike your mom did when she couldn’t decide whether to name you Mark or Wayne.”
jordan klepper
[On a reporter claiming that Senator John Cornyn (R-TX) reacted to the Gaetz nomination like “he just tasted something strange”] “Not a great sign when the hopeful interpretation is that you’re having a stroke.”
stephen colbert
[On the similar frozen, “exasperated” reaction from Senator Chuck Grassley (R-IA)] “Grassley’s 91. Are you sure that was exasperation? ‘Oh look, grandpa’s so exasperated that he closed his eyes and plunged face-first into his soup.'”
stephen colbert
“There you have it folks, the Republican submission to Donald Trump in a nutshell. ‘Matt Gaetz forced me to watch his sex tapes, and yes, I will be voting for him. Happy Thanksgiving.'”
jordan klepper
The Party of Law, Order, and Quitting So your Underage Sex Crimes Don’t Come Out
The fallout from Donald Trump’s nomination of universally punchable Congressman Matt Gaetz to be [checks notes] Attorney General of the United States? That can’t be right. [Checks notes again, downs several strong shots.] Yup, Attorney General Matt Gaetz, says right here.
Now the reason for that bit is that Matt Gaetz (R-Spying With Binoculars at Girls Field Hockey Practice) has been under House Ethics Committee Investigation for drug abuse and having sex with—and trafficking—underage girls. And showing the sex tapes thereof to his Republican colleagues. “Has been” because since Gaetz resigned his seat just before the reportedly damning findings of that investigation were to be revealed, those findings will apparently never come out. Unless a single Republican on the committee votes to release them, which, see above. (Don’t worry, House Speaker and guy so staunch in his evangelical values that he supports a legally-judged rapist for president Mike Johnson says that the timing of Gaetz’s resignation is just one of those funny coincidences.)
Yup, the tottering legitimacy of the rule of law in America is now likely in the hands of Matt Gaetz, a person so slimy his own party will have to think about it for two, maybe three seconds before handing the job right to their sex criminal cult leader’s sex criminal first choice.
“There’s no denying that this is a weird time. But today was not the worst day since Trump was elected. That was yesterday, and maybe tomorrow. And also today.”
stephen colbert
[On former U.N. Ambassador John Bolton calling the Geatz pick “the worst cabinet nomination in American history”] “I think what I’m hearing is, he has a lot of potential.”
jirdan klepper
“‘Yet.’ I mean, you forgot the word ‘yet.’ Trump’s still got plenty of time to outdo himself. Just wait until he names his Secretary of the Interior, a bear who got stuck in a dumpster.”
seth meyers
“His own colleagues are saying he crushed E.D. meds and slept with a 17-year-old, like a bunch of woke scolds!”
seth meyers
[On Gaetz’s investigation-scuttling resignation] “Wow, what a crafty legal maneuver by Matt Gaetz. He must be dating a girl who does mock trial.”
jordan klepper
“Even crazier, Gaetz’s girlfriend just got class president.”
seth meyers
“So now Gaetz almost certainly will not face consequences. Coincidentally, Face Consequences also the name of his off-brand botox.”
stephen colbert
“And if you’re wondering, Why does Matt Gaetz’s party hate him so much, the answer would actually take some time. It’s not just the underage sex allegation, it’s also that he routinely attacks other Republicans, he doesn’t do any work himself, and his personal quest to overthrow Speaker Kevin McCarthy so divided his party, a fellow Republican had to be restrained by the mouth from fighting him on the House floor. It was the first time in history Congress had to call a face mask penalty.”
jordan klepper
[Writing] “Dear Santa, I have been a very good boy this year and have only one wish. For a comet to hit the Earth and bathe us in the bright cleansing flames… and one of those electric bikes where you don’t have to pedal.”
stephen colbert
“Clearly the Justice Department is about to get a hardcore bro makeover. I mean once Gaetz is in power, you’re going to get to plead guilty, not guilty, and, ‘The f**k’s your problem, man?'”
jordan klepper
[On Murkowski stating that the Gaetz nomination wasn’t “on her bingo card”] “Also, for everyone who didn’t have that on your bingo card, maybe throw out the bingo card, because it’s a whole new bingo now. Instead of numbers it’s just going to be symbols from the Zodiac Killer.”
seth meyers
“Okay Senator, that is your first mistake right there. Now that Trump’s been reelected, we all get new bingo cards with none of those boring numbers like B-14 and N-7. Mine has, let’s see, ‘Trump-Putin Matching Track Suits,’ ‘Chief Justice Kid Rock,’ and ‘Deport Ricky Martin.’ Ooh, ‘Ranch Dressing Fountain.'”
stephen colbert
“As for what’s on Matt Gaetz’s bingo card: B-17.”
seth meyers
“Up ’til now the theory has been that the craziest of the crazies were never gonna get any of the big nominations because they were all going to be kept at bay by Trump’s new Chief of Staff and Golden Girl who murdered all of the other Golden Girls, Susie Wiles.”
stephen colbert
[On reports that Trump unexpectedly picked Gaetz while Wiles was out of the room on Trump’s plane] “So Trump came up with a plan the same way a four-year-old shoves a battery in his nose, because he was unsupervised.”
seth meyers
“So that’s how Trump’s gonna get away with everything. ‘Uh, Susie, the president wants you to know there’s cake in the break room. Okay, quick while she’s gone: the new Surgeon General is Dog the Bounty Hunter.'”
stephen colbert
“So it turns out Trump is filling his cabinet with a game of I Spy on his plane. Explains how we got our new Secretary of Agriculture, mini bag of pretzels.”
stephen colbert
Welcome Back, Polio
Just days after Trump’s transition chair Howard Lutnick condescended to a female CNN anchor that, of course Donald Trump would never in a million years nominate noted anti-vaxxer, animal mutilator, and conspiracy lunatic Robert F. Kennedy Jr. to head up the Department of Health and Human Services… yeah, you can see where this plague-infected train is going.
So now the guy with the worm in his brain who says that fluoride in water turns kids gay and that raw milk will definitely not give you uncontrollable diarrhea is slotted to be in charge of literally every aspect of the nation’s healthcare, food and drug regulation, and all the things those pesky science nerds say is good or bad for you. And this is just a Robert F. Kennedy Jr-esque conspiracy theory, but has anyone looked into whether that worm is actually piloting Kennedy Ratatouille-style? It would explain a few things.
Regardless, we’re screwed once Kennedy responds to the next pandemic by urging everyone to just ignore it and lick bus station doorknobs to boost our natural immunity or whatever his worm-pilot tells him to say.
“Trump originally wanted a doctor in that role. Turns out the late great Hannibal Lecter isn’t a real person.”
jimmy kimmel
“Yay! Unpasteurized whale juice for everybody!”
jordan klepper
“I know that sounds insane, but we should all keep an open mind. ‘Cause that’s how the worm gets in.”
stephen colbert
“Wow, this is exciting news. We are making things in America again. Specifically, Patient Zeroes.”
jordan klepper
“Besides being a vaccine denier, RFK spread a racist conspiracy that Covid-19 was ethnically targeted to spare Jewish and Chinese people. So good news to everyone of Chinese or Jewish descent who got Covid-19… no you didn’t.”
stephen colbert
“Bobby Jr. also said chemicals in the water could also be turning children gay. That is insane! That is nonsense—water doesn’t turn a person gay. Although I gotta say, Jason Momoa in Aquaman came pretty darn close.”
stephen colbert
“This tells you all you need to know about our country right now. RFK got caught having phone sex with a reporter and she was fired. What happened to him? They made him Secretary of Health and Human Services.”
jimmy kimmel
она русская шпионка (якобы)
Online translating is fun.
Anyway, Tulsi Gabbard being nominated to head up all of the nation’s intelligence agencies is [checks notes futilely once more] apparently a thing. The former Hawaii representative and constant parrot of conspiracy theories eerily similar to Russian state talking points is another wantonly irresponsible, dangerous choice by Donald Trump, so naturally Republicans are [glances back in something like desperate hope] falling over themselves to applaud their Glorious Leader on his selection.
Now, never mind that Russian dictator and shirtless Trump fitness idol Vladimir Putin has openly interfered with U.S. politics on Donald Trump’s behalf. Or that Gabbard has championed the actions of not only Putin but other nakedly corrupt fascist dictators like Syria’s Bashar al-Assad, Turkey’s Recep Erdogan. No, wait—do not under any circumstances “never mind” all of that. Mind that a great deal. As Stephen Colbert summed the lei-sporting threat to national security, “Gabbard is a conspiracy-spreading MAGA hanger-on who was not on anyone’s radar to be director of national intelligence, the head of all of America’s spy agencies. Her nomination has stunned current and former members of the intelligence community.”
(Oh, Tulsi Gabbard is also in a cult. Not the Republican Party—a whole different cult.)
“Now one of the reasons why Gabbard is such an awful choice for the role is that we can’t be sure which country she’s working for. She’s been a booster for autocrats such as Syria’s Bashar al-Assad, Turkey’s Recep Tayyip Erdogan, and Russia’s Vladimir Putin. And look, I’m not saying she’s a Russian asset, but when I think of her being director of national intelligence, I do have a strong desire to drink vodka.”
stephen colbert
[On a video in which Gabbard urges the invading Russia, the invaded Ukraine, and the U.S. to just get along “in the spirit of aloha”] “Yes, reminds me of Neville Chamberlain’s famous words after ceding parts of Czechoslovakia to Hitler, ‘Mahalo, Adolf! Shaka brah!'”
stephen colbert
Dangerously Unqualified Warmonger, As Seen on TV
Speaking of fallout—Secretary of Defense nominee and blow-dried Fox News host Pete Hegseth wants to nuke North Korea. And Iran. Possibly Belgium, we’re still waiting for his position on that.
Yes, the weekend TV anchor and guy sporting more Nazi tattoos than an extra on Sons of Anarchy has some strong opinions as befits a guy who hurls axes around crowded New York streets like New Year’s Eve confetti. He thinks gays aren’t fit to serve in the military. He thinks women aren’t fit to serve in combat. He thinks Russia invading a sovereign nation was just Putin saying, “Give me my sh*t back.” He thinks soldiers convicted of war crimes are just having fun. He thinks soap that smells like gunpowder and old cigarette butts is a great way to pick up chicks. He thinks washing your hands after you take a dump is for sissies and science dorks.
He’s likely your new Defense Secretary. Maybe stock up on some bunker supplies that don’t make you stink like an AR-15 chain-smoking Luckies.
“He’s just gonna pick people he’s seen on Fox News. There’s a good chance our next Secretary of Transportation’s going to be the guy from the Acorn Lift commercials.”
seth meyers
“It’s like the worst People’s Choice Awards every day now.”
jimmy kimmel
[On even Hegseth’s Fox co-propagandist Steve Doocy reacting in alarm to Hegseth’s advice to preemptively bomb Iran] “You know how bad an idea has to be for Steve Doocy to push back on it. Doocy’s kind of like the RA of that group. Kind of checked out, trying to be cool, but occasionally he comes by, knocks on your door, and says, ‘Hey guys, I was cool about the weed, but clearly dorm rules say no axes, guys.'”
seth meyers
[On Hegseth defending military war criminals] “When you put it like that, it sounds very damning. If you go on a date with someone and they tell you they were recently fired from their job at Subway and you ask why and they say, ‘I was accused of certain things that are under review,’ that’s when you run. Nine times out of 10, that means they stuck their dick between two slices of bread and said, ‘Hey look, five dollar foot-long!'”
seth meyers
“That’s our next Secretary of Defense describing the war in Ukraine like a boyfriend that got kicked out of the house. ‘Becky, it’s me Pete, I wan’t my sh*t back! Oh, you’re throwin’ my clothes our the window? Very mature. Hey that’s my axe, don’t throw my axe!'”
seth meyers
Potpourri
[On the totally legit boxing match between 58-year-old Mike Tyson and 28-year-old YouTuber Jake Paul] “I’m a little worried about this because there’s a 30-year age gap between Jake Paul and Mike Tyson. I mean think of it the other way around, if Mike Tyson was boxing Al Pacino, would we be okay with this?”
jimmy fallon
“You know the fight was originally scheduled for July but it got delayed because Tyson was having medical issues. And it might have to be delayed again if either Mike or Jake Paul get nominated for cabinet positions tomorrow.”
jimmy kimmel
“The fight is on Netflix, so about the fifth round I think we’re going to find out that Mike Tyson is actually made of cake.”
jimmy fallon
[On the spike in Google searches for “Can I change my vote?”] “There aren’t many things that explain this election better than the idea that there are people who believe voting is more flexible than Uber Eats.”
jimmy kimmel
“Melania Trump is unlikely to move into the White House full time for Trump’s second term. When asked when she will be at the White House, Melania said, ‘Whenever my husband is at Mar-a-Lago.'”
jimmy fallon
Receive our daily monologue round-ups via email: sign up here.
