Missed Thursday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.
D-Day T-Day
Today marked the 80th anniversary of the day when Allied troops did the impossible, securing the heavily fortified Normandy Beach in what became the turning point in the war against the Nazis. Or, as Donald Trump famously put it when he refused to attend a memorial service for fallen WWII soldiers during the 2018 D-Day ceremony because he didn’t want to get his hair wet, “Why should I go to that cemetery? It’s filled with losers.” (Trump also called those same soldiers as “suckers,” one suspects because they didn’t think of coming up with the sketchy “bone spurs” excuse Trump employed to get out of the Vietnam draft.)
Joe Biden, on the other hand, did head to France to meet with the few surviving veterans of that fateful fight against the forces of fascism, leading to late-night hosts equally praising an American President for marking a momentous occasion in world history with appropriate solemnity and respect, and taking jabs at the 81-year-old’s proximity in age to the nonagenarian former soldiers. “Joe Biden was actually alive when D Day happened,” noted The Daily Show‘s Ronny Chieng, “and I’m pretty sure when A- Day, B-Day, and C- Day happened, too. “
“Once again these vets did an incredible service for their nation. They made Joe Biden look young.”
stephen colbert
“Spending time with these veterans is extremely important to Joe Biden because being next to them is the only time he looks young.”
ronny chieng
“D-Day of course was the turning point in defeating the Nazis. The original Nazis, not the gritty reboot.”
stephen colbert
“80 years ago on this day, American, British, and Canadian troops stormed the beaches of Normandy to fight the forces of good people on both sides.”
Jimmy Kimmel
“We honor all the brave soldiers who fought the Nazis in France so that we today could have the freedom to fight them on Twitter.”
Ronny Chieng
“You know, Donald Trump in 2018 opted not to visit the graves of American soldiers in France because he didn’t want to get his hair wet, and also he called them ‘suckers’ and ‘losers.’ Even though the only thing that he ever stormed was Daniels.”
jimmy kimmel
From His Cold, Tiny Hands
The fallout from Donald Trump’s conviction on 34 counts of financial fraud to help steal an election continues to penetrate the national consciousness. Apart from the fact that the laws of dozens of countries against granting entry to felons would make a second Trump term a little bit awkward, diplomacy-wise, and that the Republican Party is now actively planning how to accommodate an RNC nomination speech from a guy Zooming in from a New York prison, most late-night hosts had some fun with one other fact of Donald Trump’s life as a newly convicted multiple felon.
In keeping with one of America’s few actually enforced laws concerning gun ownership, convicted felon Trump is now forbidden from carrying a firearm, something the NRA’s favorite adjudicated rapist and noted shady business tycoon previously was licensed to do. The fact that President Trump would once more gain access to the nuclear codes along with the Oval Office was absurd enough to inspire plenty of monologue simile, such as Jimmy Kimmel noting, “This is like your parents saying, ‘You know, you can’t have a puppy but if you get good grades, we’ll buy you a werewolf.'”
“The NYPD is officially revoking Donald Trump’s gun permit in New York, because as a convicted felon he’s not allowed to use a firearm any more. Of course there is a bit of loophole because if he becomes President, he gets all the nukes. How does that make sense? He can’t have a hunting rifle but he can drop the A-bomb on Bambi?”
ronny chieng
“No gun. He’s gonna have to change one of his signature brags. [Trump voice] ‘Tell you what, I could still stand in the middle of 5th Avenue and, I don’t know, give someone a purple nurple. Sack tap, atomic wedgie—wouldn’t lose a single vote.'”
stephen colbert
“Now if he wants to shoot someone on 5th Avenue he’s gonna have to do it with a crossbow.”
jimmy kimmel
[On the prospect of Trump accepting the GOP nomination from behind bars] “If he wins, they won’t be able to swear him in on the Bible until that one inmate comes around with the book cart.”
seth meyers
Weaponized Hypocrisy
Another, more predictable outcome of Donald Trump’s 34 felony convictions has been the wild-eyed outrage machine that is conservative news. Filled with rage that their chosen leader had to actually face consequences once in his life, the shouting heads at places like Fox News and Newsmax have been throwing around terms like “banana republic” and “show trial” with regard to the unanimous verdict of a jury co-chosen by Donald Trump’s own legal team, and deliberately feigning ignorance at how state prosecutions are in no way directed by the Department of Justice, or President Biden. Late-night hosts continue to point out that several high-profile Democratic lawmakers—and Biden’s own son—are currently undergoing equally high-profile criminal proceedings, all without the President taking “weaponized” Justice Department action to derail them.
Seth Meyers was especially affronted by this right-wing tsunami of toxic bullcrap, citing Trump’s own fondness for the sort of anti-democratic strongmen Fox accuses Biden of being by noting, “That’s right, the so-called America First party is claiming Trump would be treated better in North Korea. Or maybe he would—he and Kim Jong Un always looked like they were having the time of their lives.”
[On a favorite Fox talking point] “It’s truly grotesque to compare Trump to late Russian opposition leader Alexei Navalny. When Navalny was sentenced to yet another prison term last year, the trial was held in an unidentified room in Penal Colony Number 6 in the Vladimir region and the media and even Navalny’s parents were barred from attending. Unlike Trump’s family, who weren’t barred from attending though they did act like they were.”
seth meyers
“Melania never showed her face in court once, though I’m sure Trump tried to get her to come. [Trump voice] “Mel… Mel, I’d love to have you join me in court today for support. Mel… Which trial is it? Ummm, do you remember when I paid hush money to the adul… Mel, when you turn on your hair dryer you know I know you can’t hear me.'”
seth meyers
[On Hunter Biden’s gun trial] “Wait a second, it’s against the law to buy guns when using drugs? Okay who’s going to arrest Florida?”
stephen colbert
“According to a new poll, 58 percent of Republican voters believe that convicted felons should be allowed to become President if they are elected. Which is up 58 percent from last week.”
seth meyers
“Not only did Trump get a fair trial, he got the luxury version of a fair trial. He got Platinum Status due process.”
seth meyers
“Most criminal defendants in this country don’t get a fraction of the leeway and deference Trump has gotten and is still getting. He had expensive lawyers, access to all the evidence, he was personally involved in the jury selection, the trial happened in full view of the media and the world. He was cited for contempt 10 times and never once thrown in jail. You know your weird uncle Rocky who got pinched because he was doing 90 in a school zone with a Ziploc bag full of loose pills in his glove compartment? I guarantee you if uncle Ricky fell asleep in court and badmouthed the judge one time he would have had his ass thrown in county lockup.”
seth meyers
Menendez Has the Meats
Speaking of ways Joe Biden is in no way fixing the legal system, longtime Democratic Representative Robert Menendez’s trial continues. The New Jersey congressman is accused of a massive bribery and influence-peddling scheme in which he and his wife Erika pocketed everything from new cars to gold bars in exchange for granting exclusive halal meat inspection rights to a group of wealthy businessmen. Which is apparently a lucrative thing. At least Stephen Colbert got to take a big bite.
“Menendez’s strategy has been to blame his wife, a movie know in legal circles as ‘the Alito.'”
stephen colbert
“Yes they’re two different people. It’s like that old book, Men Are From Mars, Women Keep a Locked Closet Full of Gold.”
stephen colbert
“This whole story will be covered on the crime drama, Halal and Order: Shawarma Victims Unit.”
stephen colbert
[On Menendez’s nickname in law enforcement circles] “And you do not want to be ‘the villain in an Egyptian meat controversy.’ Or for that matter the hero in an Egyptian meat controversy. I just stay clear of controversial meat in general.”
stephen colbert
Out-Veeping Veep
With the race to be Donald Trump’s “running mate/human shield” (according to Ronny Chieng) heating up, the contest to see which formerly Trump-critical Republican can whiplash-turn into the biggest Trump ass-kisser in the nation is similarly accelerating. With the shortlist including Marco (“Donald Trump is a con artist”) Rubio, J.D. (“Donald Trump is reprehensible”) Vance, Doug (“I wouldn’t do business with Trump”) Burgum, and other formerly anti-Trump political types all shamelessly clamoring for the presumptive nominee’s favor now that their own presidential aspirations have gone down the drain, the sheer slavering hypocrisy on display acted as an irrestible dog-whistle for late-night comics everywhere.
“How are these guys, how are they not ashamed of themselves? We have this on video. At least Tim Scott has been slurping Trump’s ass since the first day. The rest of them are such spineless, impotent, bootlicking slugs. The only thing that surprises me is that Ted Cruz isn’t on the list, really.”
jimmy kimmel
[On the rush to fill the VP slot] “Good luck. It’s like signing up to be the babysitter in The Exorcist.”
jimmy fallon
“Wait, Trump is doing background checks on possible VPs? Why? What’s he going to find out about someone else that’s worse than what he’s done? Yo, this dude’s got fraud, sexual assault, infidelity, tax evasion, bankruptcies, impeachment, he hung out with Epstein. I mean, is he really going to find something and be like, ‘J.D. Vance got a parking ticket in 1994? I can’t be associated with a man like that.'”
ronny chieng
“You’ve got to appreciate the irony of a convicted felon running a background check.”
jimmy fallon
“I will say I’m impressed with the diversity in this list. I mean, three Black guys. Although it is less impressive when you consider that Trump thinks all of them are Herman Cain.”
ronny chieng
“One source said that Trump’s VP pick could be influenced by the fact that he likes people who are rich and who have ‘hot wives.’ Well at least he’s taking this seriously.”
jimmy fallon
A Bannon Day for Justice
Former Donald Trump strategist and genuinely unwell-looking person Steve Bannon is going to jail, joining a truly staggering number of Trump administration and campaign officials who’ve been tossed in the slammer for everything from violating campaign finance laws, lying to Congress, tax fraud, working as foreign agents, lying to federal agents about Russian contacts, witness tampering, obstruction of justice, and more. Bannon himself is going down for four months for contempt of Congress after refusing to appear for questioning about his role in planing the January 6 coup and plotting to steal the 2020 election for Trump.
As with Trump’s humiliating criminal trial and subsequent 34 felony convictions, the spectacle of another prominent MAGA figure actually facing legal consequences had late-night hosts scrambling to see who would land the sharpest blow to the defiantly awful Bannon’s infamously disheveled midsection.
“Luckily, prison won’t be a big change for him because he already smells like a pack of cigarettes that was smuggled in someone’s ass.”
Ronny chieng
“Bannon goes to prison on July first. It’s too bad we’re all gonna miss out on seeing that summer beach bod.”
jimmy fallon
“Even the skinheads are gonna be like, ‘Damn, this new guy has some rough opinions about immigrants.'”
ronny chieng
“I mean, this dide doesn’t look like he’s going into prison, he looks like he just escaped. Tell me this guy didn’t just crawl through a 500-yard pipe of shit, okay.”
ronny chieng
Republicans Have No Pride
June is Pride Month. Which means it’s also Conservative Bigots Screaming Every Time They See Rainbow Sprinkles on a Sundae Month. Ronny Chieng reports.
“Pride Month started as an anti-establishment protest, but over the last few decades it’s gone mainstream. There are parades in every city, Pizza Hut puts out gay boxes, and even Exxon changes all its oil spills to a rainbow color. #Ally.”
ronny chieng
[On Florida Governor Ron DeSantis’ campaign of anti-LGBTQ+ bigotry] “Yo, what is up with Ron DeSantis? I mean, I can’t believe a guy who rocks three-inch heels is such a dick to the gay community.”
ronny chieng
[On DeSantis banning Pride colors from bridges] “By the way, red, white, and blue-colored lights on crumbling infrastructure? Perfect metaphor for America.”
ronny chieng
“I don’t get how anyone could be so angry about rainbow flags. I mean, it must be exhausting to be that homophobic. You know, just eating a bag of Skittle being like, ‘No homo! [chomping sound] ‘No homo!'”
ronny chieng
[On Target caving to anti-gay bigotry and removing Pride merch from stores] “That does it. From now on I will be going somewhere else I can pretend to shop so I can poop in the bathroom.”
ronny chieng
Potpourri
“Costco plans to stop selling books except for before the holidays. That’s too bad, I always liked going to Costco and buying a 20 gallon tub of John Grisham novel.”
jimmy fallon
[On Trump’s stated plan to jail his political enemies] “[Trump voice] ‘What they’ve done is horrible and has to stop which is why I can do it, too. As Jesus says in the Bible, ‘If a man strike you on the cheek… Hulk smash.'”
stephen colbert
“According to a new report, former President Trump’s guilty verdict has brought his entire family closer together. They’ve gotten so close, Tiffany doesn’t even need her name tag.”
seth meyers
“[Trump]’s got a fundraiser here in Beverly Hills tomorrow. It’s 250 thousand dollars a person. But you know, it’s not every day you get to take a selfie with a convicted felon who can’t control his gas.”
jimmy kimmel
“Republican Senator Rand Paul said yesterday that if former President Trump wants to get his support, Trump will have to be ‘more vocal’ on issues he supports. More vocal? The man yells when he talks and writs in all caps. If you read his speeches in Braille, it would draw blood.”
seth meyers
[On Republicans blocking a bill asserting Americans’ right to contraception] “Blocking federal access to contraception isn’t just, dumb it’s also wildly unpopular. Recent polls say that 80 percent of voters said that protecting access to contraception was ‘deeply important’ to them. The other 20 percent of them are your high school boyfriend who says that condoms don’t work anyway and you can’t get pregnant in a hot tub.”
stephen colbert
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