In the news war between the election of the first American Pope and Trump’s widely dismissed trade deal with England, it was all Pope Leo XIV Thursday. Here’s our run-down of the night’s monologues.
Seth Meyers
Thursday saw the election of the new Pope—and he’s from Chicago! That’s right, as Seth Meyers put it by being the one-millionth joker to say “Daaaa Pope” in a Chicago accent, the new pontiff is Pope LeoX IV, aka Robert Prevost, whose election quickly rained on Donald Trump’s day. That’s because not only did Pope Leo’s election overshadowed Trump’s would-be momentous trade deal with the United Kingdom, a social media post revealed that the new leader of the Catholic Church has openly criticized J.D. Vance for using his Catholicism as a smoke screen to justify Trump’s anti-immigrant policies.
“You know Trump’s going to try to claim credit for this. ‘The tariffs are working. We’re making our own Popes now, right here in America. We’re gonna reopen the Pope factories.'”
“Man, J.D. Vance is 0 for 2 on Popes. He grim reaper-ed the last one, and got dunked on by this one. That’s how you know the new Pope’s from Chicago.”
“I mean, the Pope’s supposed to love everyone, but this guy’s like, [Chicago accent] ‘Hey, J.D. can kiss my ass.'”
And then there’s Trump’s big deal, which as Meyers showed, was filled with empty future promises and a lot of rambling about Rolls Royces and James Bond movies in an lengthy Oval Office phone meeting with British Prime Minister Keir Starmer.
“No, no it can’t. It has to be one answer. We’re talking about global trade policy, not the Mona Lisa. ‘Is she smiling or is she sad? It can be both!'”
on trump’s contradictory claims about the permanent or temporary nature of his tariffs
“Why does everything with these guys sound like a local car commercial. ‘Come on down to Honda’s 90 deals in 90 days sale! You won’t believe how low these prices are on a new Honda Civic.'”
on trump economic counselor peter navarro claiming trump would make 90 trade deals in 90 days
“For one thing, there aren’t even 200 countries on Earth. Is he making deals with other planets? ‘Yeah, we’ve got a trade deal now with Jupiter. They’re gonna give us one of their—we have two moons now!'”
on trump’s claim that he’d made “over 200” secret trade deals
“For real, what’s going on here? Is it letter of intent, memorandums of understanding, deals, sketches of deals, blueprints of deals, concepts of deal or sub-deals? There are more euphemisms in this administration than a religious household talking about where babies come from.”
on trump officials walking back the whole 200 trade deals thing
Desi Lydic
For Desi Lydic, it was all Pope Leo XIV all night, especially since the Daily Show host got to take in conservatives’ immediate ire that the new religious leader seems to be taking all that New Testament “love your neighbor” stuff seriously.
‘Breathe it in?’ I didn’t know we were supposed to hot box the Pope-smoke.”
on one reporter’s hyperbolic announcement
“Holy sh*t! The first American Pope. And let me just say, as an American, are you sure about this?”
“We don’t really have the sort of gravitas you associate with pope-iness. We’re less somber procession and more monster truck rally.”
“I guess it’s a little bit weird that the holiest man in the world knows all the words to the Chili’s baby-back ribs song.”
“But the votes are counted and the Vatican doesn’t have a January 6, so there’s no going back.”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa—so you ‘re telling me that you think all Americans are loudmouth jackasses? Well, f*ck you!”
on Vatican observeRs saying the “quiet and humble” new pope is “the least american of the americans”
“Now, I’ve always found this odd. The church is so conservative on gay issues, but then they turn around and make its leader pick a drag name.’And make it quick! We’ve gotta get you to your gown fitting, you’re gonna look so fierce.'”
“Yes, yes, how dare you! If English was good enough for Jesus, it’s good enough for the Pope.”
in response to THOSE criticizing Pope Leo for delivering his first address in italian, Latin, and spanish
“The new Pope does not like J.D. Vance. He really is an everyday American.”
Stephen Colbert
“The Vatican’s got that new Pope smell,” said excited Catholic and late-night host Stephen Colbert to kick off his monologue, while leading his cheer for the first ever American pontiff with a hearty chant of “Pope-S-A! Pope-S-A!”
“Nice… that he’s so young.”
on Pope leo being 69 years old
“Hey, I’m an American! I shouldn’t have to press 2 for Pope.”
on the new pope making his address in Italian and Spanish
“Holy Father, you had me at ‘J.D. Vance is wrong.'”
on the pope having tweeted “J.D. Vance is wrong. Jesus doesn’t ask us to rank our love for others”
Moving on, nobody’s saying that Colbert was making a contrast with the new Pope’s message of fidelity, love, and charity, but there were jokes about the fact that Melania Trump hasn’t been anywhere near her husband since he took office, and Trump cutting funding for educational programs for children.
“Yes, she’s a very private person… who has film crews following her around for the $40 million documentary about her life.”
on trump’s excuse why his wife isn’t seen with him in public
“The cuts resulting in a loss of $23 million from the program called Ready to Learn, which will now become the Trump program, Durrrrrr.”
And there’s always time to make a good ol’ fast food/penis size joke about the class action lawsuit alleging Burger King misrepresents the size of a popular burger item.
“Look there’s no shame in it, Burger King. A lot of guys lie about the size of their Whopper.”
Jimmy Kimmel
After clearing the decks of his Chicago Pope material, Kimmel got back to setting his sights Donald Trump for everything from his overblown British trade deal to the various scandals and disasters plaguing his cabinet. With a little old scholl Trump anti-gay bigotry thrown in.
“The Popemobile is now a Ford F-250 with Truck Nutz.”
on the first american pope
“This must have been what it felt like when they opened the first Olive Garden.”
“No, Trump was not elected by the conclave. Another election was rigged against him.”
“Trump just hit the Vatican with an 80 percent tariff on pointy hats.”
on the new pope’s history of criticizing trump’s policies
“This is an historic moment that we’re living in. We have an American Pope and a Russian president.”
“He is very proud of making a trade deal with a country we were trading just fine with until he screwed it all up.”
on the great britain deal
“So rest easy, Ma and Pa MAGA hat, you’re still gonna lose the farm but you’ll only have to pay 10 percent extra on that Rolls Royce you’ve had your eye on.”
on trump boasting that tariffs on rolls royces would be cut from 25 to 10 percent
“Still no deal with China, but you got England. When your daughter asks for a Barbie for Christmas this year, just say, ‘We can’t afford that, honey, but maybe you’d like some John Smedley knitwear?'”
“I see, it because he’s gay. And not just regular gay—bicycle gay.”
after trump blamed the current air traffic control crisis on former transportation secretary pete buttigieg riding his bike to work
“Pete Hegseth’s phone shouldn’t even have passwords. It should have one of those tubes you blow into when you get a DUI.”
on hegseth’s various passwords being compromised
Jimmy Fallon
The Tonight Show host got caught up in Pope-mania himself, with a side order of trade deal.
“You can tell he’s American because he stepped out on the Vatican balcony and said, ‘New Pope, who dis?'”
“People are excited about the new Pope being from Chicago because that means we’re one step closer to deep dish communion wafers.”
“The new Pope actually graduated from Villanova University. It’s wild that we have a Pope that might have done a keg stand outside of an Eagles game.”
“Trump made an interesting deal. We’ll send them American food like beef and pork, and in return they will not send us any British food.”
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