
Missed Thursday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.
Wait, Which Trial Is This?
Donald Trump appeared in person in the courtroom of his hand-picked Judge Aileen Cannon on Thursday classified documents trial, only for the heretofore suspiciously lenient Cannon to unexpectedly refuse the Trump team’s motion to dismiss the case.
Attempting to cut through the legal wrangling, Jimmy Kimmel summed things up, noting, “Trump, as you know, claims that the documents were his to do with as he pleased, but his claim is complicated by the fact that they were not.”
“This is a historic case. Not only is it the first time a former president has been charged with illegally removing and withholding classified documents, it’s also the first time a former president has used classified documents to decorate his bathroom.”
jimmy kimmel
“But they’re not his. They were marked classified. If they’re marked classified, they can’t be your personal property. The only people who mark their personal property classified are teenagers who definitely want someone to read their diary.”
seth meyers
“Okay, so he has the power to declare presidential records personal records. And as a result they are no longer presidential records because, as president, they belonged to him personally. ‘As you can see officer, I couldn’t have stolen the car because I have it.'”
stephen colbert
“Donald Trump was in court today for a hearing on one of the four criminal cases he’s facing. The funny thing about these hearings is you don’t know if he’s gonna show up. He doesn’t have to come, but it’s sometimes—it’s like when you go on a boat, sometimes you see a whale and sometimes you don’t.”
Jimmy Kimmel
[On a Mar-a-Lago whistleblower’s report that Trump showed American military secrets to Australian billionaire Anthony Pratt] ” An Australian billionaire got top secret information about U.S. and Russian submarines. Thankfully, the good news is he couldn’t share any of the information because it’s impossible to say ‘submarine’ in an Australian accent.”
seth meyers
“That’s the literal definition of buying access. A billionaire gave Trump money to be a member of his club and, in return, Trump gave that billionaire sensitive national security secrets. It’s insane, I mean who else was Trump selling access to? Spies, lobbyists, anyone Trump talks to. So basically everyone except Eric.”
seth meyers
“Much of the focus has been on the judge in this case, Judge Aileen Cannon, whose rulings so far have a hint of favoritism toward Trump. Trump appointed her to the job, so this is like if Eddie Murphy got hauled in front of Judge Reinhold.”
jimmy kimmel
“Saying you did something ‘very legally’ really makes it sound like you broke the law. ‘Look, I went for a drive very legally, very soberly, and I drove into extremely no living rooms, and as a result a tremendous amount of my wife is never divorcing me.'”
stephen colbert
“Former President Trump referred to himself this week in a post on Truth Social as ‘Honest Don.’ And at this point I gotta believe even he’s being sarcastic. Nobody who’s honest puts ‘honest’ in front of their name. If there’s a place called Honest Don’s in your hometown, it’s either a used car dealership or a pawn shop. Maybe a pizza place, but not the good one.”
seth meyers
Lemony Musk
Supposed free speech absolutist Elon Musk made exactly the wrong kind of news on Thursday after journalist Don Lemon revealed that his broadcasting deal with Musk’s social media platform X (or Twitter) had been cancelled immediately after a contentious interview with the Tesla and Space X mogul. After Lemon reportedly asked Musk about touchy issues such as the proliferation of hate speech on Twitter and rumors of Musk’s erratic, drug-fueled workplace behavior, the CEO was shown belligerently refusing to answer before texting Lemon the terse statement, “Contract is cancelled.”
Or, as Michael Kosta summed up the debacle, “When Elon bought Twitter, he was like, ‘This is free speech town square, baby!’ Then any time someone questions him he’s like. ‘The town square is closed for repairs’.'”
“To be fair to Elon though, you never really expect to hire someone and then immediately be asked about the Great Replacement Theory. Usually want to wait for the Christmas party to do that.”
michael Kosta
“When life gives Musk lemons, he fires them.”
desi lydic
“You know something went wrong when you’re asked to leave Twitter. ‘I’m sorry, but you’re no longer welcome in our community of flat-Earth incel Nazis.'”
stephen colbert
“These ‘alpha males’ today get one tough question and they start whining like my kid when I tell him he can’t watch Cars 2 for their eighth time today.”
Michael Kosta
TikTok, and They Don’t Stop
Late-night is still not done with the House’s overwhelming vote to ban massively popular, Chinese-owned social media site TikTok over supposed national security concerns. While upcoming vote in the Senate is uncertain, President Biden has signaled his willingness to sign the bill, which would force TikTok to divest of its Chinese ownership or face an American ban.
“China is now calling on the U.S. to stop ‘unreasonably suppressing’ the social media app. China was like, ‘Who do you think you are, us?’”
jimmy fallon
“All right, you’re having a hard enough time with the Gen Z vote. What else are you gonna do, cancel Euphoria?”
seth meyers
“Right now, parents watching their kids’ TikToks from Spring Break are saying, ‘Please ban this so they can get a job someday.'”
jimmy fallon
“After the House passed a bill that would force the sale of TikTok, White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre called on the Senate to ‘take swift action’ on the legislation. Okay, but have you seen the Senate? Some of these guys are just getting around to regulating the telegraph.”
seth meyers
They’re Givin’ Him the Business
The fallout from third-party presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy Jr.’s shortlisted Vice Presidential pick of NFL quarterback and fellow conspiracy theory fan Aaron Rodgers continued into Thursday’s monologues. After several sources, including CNN’s Pamela Brown, came forward with the news that the anti-vaxxer QB shared his opinion that the children murdered in the Sandy Hook school shooting were “crisis actors,” condemnation has come from nearly all quarters.
With Rodgers furiously backpedaling as if he’d just seen sack-hungry linebacker Micah Parsons stampeding toward him with murder in his eyes, the embattled unlikely potential VP pick attempted to distance himself from the exact lie that last year cost right-wing conspiracy kook Alex Jones over a billion dollars. Responding to Rodgers’ day-after non-denial Sandy Hook denial on Twitter Thursday, Jimmy Kimmel pondered, “Don’t you miss the old days when the conspiracy theorists were just the guys who wanted to have sex with Bigfoot?”
“The truth is that the Deep State, which is based in Green Bay, Wisconsin, by the way. Deep State headquarters in is a factory in Hobart that makes the cheese for the pedophile pizza places, but that’s a story for another night. Anyway, what the Deep State won’t tell you is that Aaron Rodgers never played football, he’s not a football player. He faked his entire career. In fact, the first time he ever played in an NFL game was last year. The week before his first game with the Jets, Aaron Rodgers’ body double, the guy who’d played every single game for him before this, died of Covid and they had nobody dumb-looking enough to fill in. So they had to bring in the real Aaron Rodgers and he had to go in and fake an injury on the third play of opening day, that’s why he only threw one pass. And you don’t have to believe me on this, do your own research. And maybe when you do, you’ll notice that the Bible says that the number eight represents a new beginning, a new order, and man’s true born-again event when he’s resurrected from the dead into eternal life. And guess what number Aaron Rodgers chose to wear when he ‘played’ for the Jets? Anyone? That’s right, number eight. Wow. That story, by the way, is more believable than what Aaron Rodgers said really happened at Sandy Hook.”
jimmy kimmel
Now Available: Trump Whines
In a softball interview on Newsmax, Donald Trump was vocal in complaining about the “unfair” treatment he’s been receiving from the media. What with news outlets (other than Trump-friendly Newsmax, OAN and Fox) dutifully reporting on his multiple criminal and civil trials, his losing judgment in a sexual assault case, his alleged praise of Adolph Hitler, his mounting money troubles, his stated plans to gut Social Security and put immigrants in camps, the fawning visit he had with Hungarian dictator Viktor Orban, his repeated mental lapses, and so on.
But it was Trump’s typically odd way of expressing his displeasure in the third person that hosts largely seized on, with The Daily Show‘s Desi Lydic, aping Trump’s use of the phrase, “in terms of badly” to refer to his treatment by the press, noting, “Yes in terms of badly, Trump has been treated the badliest.”
“Totally normal way to say that. Reminds me of my favorite Michael Jackson album, In Terms of Badly.”
stephen colbert
[Trump voice] “Nobody’s been treated like Trump in terms of badly. And Trump should be treated in terms of goodly.”
jimmy fallon
[On Trump claiming he could have literally any Vice Presidential pick he wants] “Then do it, coward. Trump/Bernie 2024.”
stephen colbert
[On Trump complaining that he’s been treated worse than any president ever] “Even John Wilkes Booth is like, ‘I gotta… c’mon…”
Jimmy fallon
Potpourri
“Actor Nicolas Cage said in a new interview that he probably did not get paid for his Oscar-winning role in Leaving Las Vegas. He also didn’t get paid for National Treasure because he didn’t know it was a movie.”
seth meyers
[On the Montana farmer convicted of illegally breeding so-called giant “Franken-Sheep”] “That is awful. Not only because the most annoying guy you know just said, ‘Actually, it’s Franken-Sheep’s monster.'”
stephen colbert
“Donald Trump has had a good week. He sealed the GOP nomination, one of his 54 trials was postponed, and he just figured out you can Google ‘boobs.’”
desi lydic
“In honor of National Pi Day, Pizza Hut offered customers a free one-topping pizza with purchase of a large pie. And If you eat both pizzas, you’ll have to go to the bathroom 3.14 times.”
seth meyers
[On Best Buy recalling fire-prone defective air-fryers] “‘Overheated, melted and caught on fire.’ Those are actually the options on the new Tesla.”
jimmy fallon
“A new report said that Americans are expected to spend over 7.2 billion dollars on St. Patricks Day. And that’s with insurance.”
seth meyers
“At this point, Boeing’s competitors barely even need P.R. departments, they look so good in comparison. ‘Airbus: We don’t have any screws left over in the bag.'”
desi lydic
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