Missed Monday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.
Trump’s Not Doing Fine
Following last week’s New York County Supreme Court judgment that Donald Trump and his family committed multiple instances of business fraud over a decade-long period, Donald Trump was ordered to pay a staggering $355 million in fines. In addition, the state has added interest on the judgment totalling another hundred million dollars, accruing at a rate of $114,553.04 per day.
“Celebrate his fines—come on!,” sang a back-from-vacation Stephen Colbert in his Monday monologue, kicking off schadenfreude free-for-all among each of his fellow late-night hosts.
“This is funny, Trump owes the state of New York 450 million dollars. [Pause.] That’s the funny part.”
Jimmy Kimmel
“Obviously, Trump needs cash fast, so he’s getting into foot stuff.”
Stephen Colbert
“But on top of the 454 million, Trump is now accruing over $100,000 of interest each day. When asked why, the judge said, ‘Because it’s funny.’”
Jimmy Fallon
…And You Are?
After winning the South Carolina Republican primary over Nikki Haley, Donald Trump forgot to thank son Eric and daughter-in-law Laura Trump—despite reading his family’s names from a note card. Imitating Eric, Stephen Colbert excused the gaffe, explaining, “It’s okay dad—sometimes I forget I exist, too.”
“Did you forget anybody? I’ll give you a hint, his name rhymes with ‘generic.’”
Jimmy Kimmel
“Trump’s family said it would have actually been a sign of mental decline if he did include Eric.”
Jimmy Fallon
Going South in Carolina
Trump’s primary win came with some worrying side-stories for Trump, as challenger Nikki Haley pulled a higher than expected numbers of voters disillusioned with the former President, while his looming legal troubles cast his future in doubt. Addressing runner-up Nikki Haley’s decision not to abandon the race, Kimmel stated, “It’s like being Charlie Sheen’s understudy in a Broadway play.”
“Trump won by a large margin with voters without a college degree. He does well with non-educated voters. Absolutely dominates among voters who’ve been hit on the head with a boulder or a falling brick.”
Jimmy Kimmel
“Over 1 in 5 GOP primary voters said they would not vote for Trump in November if he was the nominee, with one Haley voter saying of Trump, ‘I hope he chokes on a sandwich.’ Wow. It is very telling that no one can even hope that he would choke on a salad.”
Stephen Colbert
“Trump actually had two versions of his speech. A victory speech in case he won. And a victory speech in case he lost.”
Jimmy Fallon
Potpourri
“‘Could you please be more careful with your bombing’ is good advice. But, really, couldn’t the United States have told Israel that when we gave them all the bombs? They’re our bombs. This is like your coke dealer coming in with an 8-ball and going, ‘Don’t stay up all night.’”
Jon Stewart
“[Trump] debuted a new line of sneakers that look like they should be sticking off the legs of a witch who got crushed by a Trump condo the bank foreclosed on.”
Seth Meyers
“MLB Players are slamming the league’s new uniforms because their pants are see-through… Yeah, I get this feeling we’re going to see a lot more dingers.”
Jimmy Fallon
