Missed Monday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.
Tough Room
Some idiot with an AR-style rifle tried to shoot Donald Trump Saturday, killing one Trump supporter and wounding two others. The fallout has been swift, uninformed, and sickeningly predictable, with online conspiracy theories rushing to claim they’d found the shooter (they hadn’t), that the attempted assassin was “antifa” (he wasn’t), and that President Joe Biden was pulling off the impressive trick of being both a doddering, infirm senility case and a bloodthirsty criminal mastermind. (Neither assessment holds up.) No, when law enforcement did their jobs, the gunman turned out to be—wait for it—a white male with a fondness for and easy access to military grade firearms and a sniper’s perch enabled by Pennsylvania’s lax gun laws. (Oh, he’s also apparently a registered Republican.)
All of that makes political comedy—difficult at the best of times—a virtual American Ninja Warrior-style obstacle course for late-might hosts. For one thing, the specter of yet another senseless mass shooting sort of casts a pall over the ha-ha vibe necessary for a good monologue. And hosts also had to cope with accusations from Republican officials that their jokes, along with other legitimate criticism of Donald Trump and the GOP’s full-on press for white supremacist authoritarianism somehow were collectively behind the attempt on Trump’s life. Apart from pointing out that such calls for civility are rich coming from a party led by someone so fond of, say, making light of the brutal hammer attack on Nancy Pelosi’s husband or the attempted kidnapping of Gretchen Whitmer (or urging followers to straight-up murder Hillary Clinton), hosts were quick to note that such ideological bullying of media critics is right out of the authoritarian playbook.
So, what to do? Seth Meyers opened his show with a somber but defiant few minutes asserting the utter un-American-ness of political violence while stressing that “accurately describing the dangers of autocracy and warning of attempts to dismantle our democracy have nothing to do with political violence.” Stephen Colbert, the one late-night show going live for the Republican National Convention as it turns out, pre-recorded some similar sentiments, lamenting how yet another act of yahoo political violence tarnished the peaceful exchange of ideas that elections are supposed to represent and calling it “the last refuge of the incompetent” while suggesting that he’s not planning on knuckling under to GOP calls for a kinder, gentler nightly takedown of what Donald Trump factually represents. (He did later deliver on his promise of fart jokes.) Meanwhile, Jimmy Fallon ignored the shooting entirely on his way to zingers about donuts, and Jimmy Kimmel Live guest host Anthony Anderson left his assessment at “we need to chill the f**k out.”
[On Trump’s post-shooting social media post filled with accusations, defamation of the woman who successfully sued him for rape, and other incendiary attacks] “C’mon man, I mean you can’t start a post talking about unity then immediately call January 6 a hoax and claim Democrats are coordinating the indictments in order to weaponize the Justice Department against you. I mean, I know you can, but you shouldn’t.”
seth meyers
“Wow, it seems like he’s had a real same of heart.”
seth meyers
Justice Delayed Is Justice Cannon
As befitting the twice-impeached insurrectionist who got her her job as federal judge, Aileen Cannon gifted Donald Trump an RNC thank you present by dismissing his case. That being the case where Trump stole and hoarded top secret nuclear and intelligence documents in the crapper of his golf club and, as Stephen Colbert noted, committed some very guilty-looking actions in telling his lawyers and other underlings to hide or destroy said documents once the FBI came calling.
It’s worth noting that legal experts fully expect Special Counsel Jack Smith’s appeal to the 11th Circuit to be successful since Cannon’s reasoning concerning the appointment of Smith in the decision ignores 30 years of precedent and is, as Colbert put it, “fragrant bullcrap.” Still, Cannon’s decision rules out any chance Trump will face trial for this easily proven treason until after the election, when Cannon and other Trump loyalists hope a victorious Trump will simply make it go away. You know, like in a dictatorship.
“What does this mean, Presidents can now just take whatever they want from the White House? When Joe Biden leaves, he should jump in the cockpit and fly away with Air Force One. He already has the aviators.”
seth meyers
[On Trump instructing his lawyers to destroy evidence] “It can be a bit of a challenge for even the best lawyers when your client asks for you to crime for them. ‘Now sir, we all agree that you’re innocent but, just to be clear, you want me to burn off your fingerprints? Okay, I’ll heat up the panini press.'”
stephen colbert
“Trump’s defense team got the one judge in the country who agrees with them. It’s like when LeBron James got the one ref who didn’t think this was traveling. [Clip of James taking about six unhurried steps without dribbling] Usually when you travel that far you get your passport stamped.”
seth meyers
“They don’t belong to Trump, they belong to us. In fact, if Trump gets to keep them, then we should all get to take a turn with them. Next time I’m stuck on a stalled F train, I want to be able to pull out a dossier full of nuclear secrets. Plus, it beats doing Wordle.”
seth meyers
[On photos of top secret intelligence strew around Trump’s Mar-a-Lago bedroom] “They look like the takeout menus that get slipped under your apartment door.”
seth meyers
Republican National Tension
The RNC kicked off today in Milwaukee, the city Donald Trump recently called “horrible” before immediately pretending he didn’t as soon as someone reminded him that Wisconsin is a swing state. With speakers ranging from fawning former GOP critics pretending they didn’t just get passed over for Vice President, clergy with terrible Trump impressions, and the odd dog murderer, the event truly had something for everyone. Well, everyone in the tank for a convicted felon and adjudicated rapist who has happily declared his plan to be a dictator “on day one.”
[On the Wisconsin open carry law that allows guns near the RNC, but not tennis balls] “No tennis balls. That means if your’e an old Republican, the front legs of your walker will be raw-doggin’ it.”
stephen colbert
“It’s four days of intense political speeches. Like when your uncle comes to stay with you for Thanksgiving.”
jimmy fallon
“This year’s convention takes place in beautiful Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Also known and Brew City, Beer City, and ‘All the Other Cities Are Worried About You’ City.”
stephen colbert
[On an RNC statement promising the convention will go on “with a vengeance”] “No! No, we’re toning down the rhetoric, remember? I don’t want to continue anything ‘with a vengeance.’ I want to continue everything with a bong hit, a pint of Ben & Jerry’s and a rerun of The Gilmore Girls.”
stephen colbert
[On a certain Kentucky senator being loudly booed] “You know, people ask what gives me hope and i’ll tell you, whatever ever our difference, all Americans despise Mitch McConnell.”
stephen colbert
[After the RNC urged speakers to tone down their speeches without changing them] “‘Hi. [A beatifically smiling Colbert turns to camera, revealing a backdrop including an adorable kitten and puppy] We need to come together to realize that illegal immigrants are being released from insane asylums to turn your kids into trans librarians. And that marriage should be between one very manly man and one younger, hotter woman who makes TikToks about homemade Tylenol. Shh—go to sleep now, and don’t Google Project 2025.'”
stephen colbert
[On RNC speaker Marjorie Taylor Greene claiming America deserves another Trump term] “Why? Did we run over a witch’s cat? Did someone make a wish on a cursed chicken foot?”
stephen colbert
[On Kristi Noem claiming that most people heard about her during the pandemic] “‘It wasn’t the dog thing right? With the gravel pit and the gun, right? Please say it was Covid.'”
stephen colbert
[After Noem touted how South Dakota’s economic growth benefitted women-owned businesses] “‘Like Natalie’s Dog Embalming, Cindy’s Puppy Coffins, and Katie’s Canine Crematorium, home of the hot dog.'”
stephen colbert
[On Senator Ron Johnson assuring everyone that Wisconsinites won’t cause trouble] “Yes. Wisconsin only produces the nicest people. Like Tony Shalhoub, Chris Farley, and Jeffrey Dahmer.”
stephen colbert
The Dictator’s Apprentice
After his last Vice President was literally almost hanged by the mob attacking the Capitol on January 6, Donald Trump finally chose a replacement for Mike Pence in the form of Hillbilly Elegy author and “Pillsbury Doucheboy” (Stephen Colbert’s words), J.D. Vance. Unlike Pence, who, for all his faults, actually passed the “giving a crap about the Constitution” test when it counted, Ohio Senator Vance seems to have been chosen because of his slavish adherence to any position Trump takes, especially the far-right wish list that is the Heritage Foundation’s Project 2025.
But it wasn’t all so buddy-buddy between Trump and his new running mate, as Vance’s past remarks calling the former President everything from “America’s Hitler” to “cultural heroin” (not to mention calling his new boss “an idiot” and “reprehensible”) resurfaced immediately upon him getting the nod. Trying to piece together Trump’s thought process, Anthony Anderson opined, “Vance has everything that Trump is looking for in a running mate. He’s white… well, that’s pretty much it.”
“Vance is an Ivy League-educated attorney. That makes sense, Trump got a VP and a lawyer all for the price of one.”
jimmy fallon
[On Vance’s past insults] “Yikes. How do you get the job after that? ‘Uh, just looking at your resumé here, Mr. Smith. It says here you called me Satan incarnate, Voldemort’s ugly, unstable brother, and a slightly more perverted Jared from Subway. Oh, but you are proficient in Excel, welcome aboard.'”
stephen colbert
“He looks like a Civil War re-enactor who shops at Men’s Wearhouse.”
jimmy fallon
“He also looks like if Eric and Don Jr had a baby.”
anthony anderson
“I didn’t realize Cabbage Patch Kids made bearded dolls.”
jimmy fallon
Potpourri
[On Krispy Kreme’s commemorate Paris Olympics donut box] “I guess the French part is that people judge you while you eat them.”
jimmy fallon
“I have mixed feelings about the Minions franchise. On one hand, the fact that there are no Black minions feels racist. But on the other hand, if there were Black minions, it would definitely be racist.”
anthony anderson
[On Boston’s pans to allow happy hours after a decades-long ban] “If this law gets passed, people are gonna start drinking in Boston, I don’t care what anyone says.”
jimmy fallon
[On the Minions franchise passing the $5 billion box office mark] “That’s just ticket sales. That doesn’t include toys or Halloween costumes that make our dogs lose their will to live.”
anthony anderson
[After NASA posited that a cave on the moon may be used as shelter by astronauts] “Yeah, there’s gonna be cavemen on the moon. ‘Thats one small unga for man, and one giant bunga for mankind.'”
jimmy fallon
“I gotta say, for what was supposed to be a boring rematch, things have been crazy. It feels like if you fall asleep for a second, you will miss some insane twist in this election. Fortunately, this election has made it impossible to fall asleep ever again.”
stephen colbert
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