Missed Monday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.
BREAKING: Donald Trump May Have Fibbed
Midway through his “A Closer Look” segment breaking down how Donald Trump is now admitting that his incessant “Tariffs will bring prices down” campaign promise was a big fat lie, Seth Meyers stopped himself to admit in frustration, “And why the hell am I explaining this? No one cares.” Even those hosts freshly returned from an extended vacation are contending with the dispiriting reality that Trump-supporting Americans simply tune out their jokes.
Meyers deployed the monologist’s standard weapon of playing an iron-clad montage of Trump swearing on his —let’s call it—soul that his widely debunked-by-every-economist-alive plot to slap massive tariffs on trading partners Mexico, Canada, and China would never, ever, under any circumstances, raise consumer prices. And followed that up with Trump’s first sit-down interview as president-elect (with Meet the Press‘ Kristen Welker) in which he admitted that, um, tariffs will make prices go up. (He also reiterated his plans to free the idiot traitors who helped him try to overthrow democracy last time, throw politicians who investigated his insurrection in prison, deport American-born citizens [as long as they’re not white], brag about saving Obamacare while insisting that Obamacare “stinks,” and appear to suggest he came up with the word “groceries.”)
It’s the sort of blatant bullcrap that would send any other politician’s credibility and approval into the credibility toilet, but, as Meyers suggested while throwing up his hands, Donald Trump is a cult leader, and cult leaders can never possibly lie or be in any way wrong in the eyes of their disciples. It almost like Trump voters only care about his naked appeals to their grimy prejudices and white grievance. Or something.
So where does that leave late-night comics, whose whole satirist role has been putting up big red signs warning of the gap between Trump’s endless lies and the truth? It’s a whole new paradigm comedians have had to contend with throughout the benighted Trump era, with hosts (and those who write about them) scrambling to find ways to keep viewers from hurling themselves right into that willfully ignorant abyss. Good luck, gang.
[On Trump responding to Welker asking if he could guarantee prices wouldn’t go up by stating, “I can’t guarantee tomorrow”] “Can’t guarantee tomorrow? When Trump said Make America Great Again, was he only talking about until the close of business hours?”
seth meyers
“This guy, he’s got no facts left to give.”
jimmy kimmel
“Not exactly what you want to hear from the guy who’s about to have the nuclear codes. It’s like your heart surgeon saying, ‘Before I put you under, you should know—I can’t guarantee tomorrow. I mean it’s pretty intense in there and it’s pretty hard to fight the urge to squeeze your ticker like a stress ball.'”
stephen colbert
“What? When you were campaigning, you were guaranteeing everything. Prices will come down, America will be respected, and now that you’ve won you’re coming off like an inspirational Instagram post. ‘Tomorrow is not guaranteed, my friends, live to the fullest.'”
seth meyers
[After Trump suggested that the real problem with his deportation plan would be people seeing how truly inhumane it would be on the news] “‘That’s right, before we do anything, we have to deport the cameras.'”
seth meyers
“Donald Trump believes that if you want American citizenship, you have to do it the old fashioned way. You have to move here from Slovenia, get a modeling contract, and marry the first orange millionaire you meet.”
jimmy kimmel
“Donald Trump just sat down for an interview with Meet the Press where he said that he wants to end birthright citizenship, pardon the January 6 defendants, and put Liz Cheney in jail. Well, some people’s New Year’s resolutions are darker than others.”
jimmy fallon
“She asked him about his inauguration speech. He said the speech will focus on unity—he’s against it.”
jimmy kimmel
[On Trump seeming to get lost defending his own description of the human cost of his plan to rip families apart] “I mean yeah, bud, you’re right. It’s gonna be horrible. Did you forget you were describing your own plan? ‘Whoever came up with that idea’s gonna regret it, that’s one stupid son of a bitch.'”
seth meyers
Ozymandias Calling
While the United States loves to self-mythologize when it comes to being a beacon of freedom for the rest of the world (women, minorities, indigenous people, the LGTBQ+ community have some notes), American exceptionalism got a couple of serious reality checks recently. Ordinary citizens in both South Korea and Syria rose up over the last two weeks to slap down a couple of dictators (one would-be, the other very-much-is) simply by showing a little backbone when it comes to power-mad jackasses.
South Korean President President Yoon Suk Yeol’s attempt to impose martial law and suppress civil liberties was thwarted when South Koreans took to the streets and faced down armed soldiers. Meanwhile, the decades-long, generational Assad dictatorship in Syria was toppeld (quite literally, with joyful Syrians ripping down those horsey statues dictators love so much) in a shockingly effective 11-day rebellion.
Now, nobody needs poetic metaphors in a time when real-world would-be despots are learning the power of a truly pissed off populace with statue demolition in mind. But Jon Stewart still had some unalloyed fun with the spectacle of a guy happily and literally sitting on the face of a statue of Bashar al-Assad’s equally loathsome dad Hafez as it was being dragged behind a car. While playing responsible killjoy in glancing warily at incoming, ISIS-curious new leader Abu Mohammed al-Jolani, Stewart joined the late-night chorus in advising viewers to at least take momentary (and deeply instructional) joy from the inevitable fall of yet another preening, evil son of a bitch with delusions of everlasting rule.
Describing incoming U.S. leader Donald Trump as “the incoming United States president—and I’m assuming future statue-haver,” Stewart more than implied that Americans interested in preserving their own democracy might start taking a few notes.
[On that gleeful statue mustache-ride] “Pride month is different there.”
stephen colbert
“It’s like some kind of Syrian version of a Club Med banana boat.”
jon stewart
[On one statue’s head winding up in a dumpster] “No, Syrian rebels! I get that you’re happy, end of tyranny, blah-blah. But metal tyrant heads go in a separate bin, and are only picked up on the fourth Tuesday of the month. Plus, did you wash it out first?”
stephen colbert
“A quick word to the other remaining despots in the Middle East. It is my deepest hope that when you see this footage, you realize, once and for all, that you are really skimping on statue structural integrity.”
jon stewart
[On Trump reiterating his desire to throw Liz Cheney in prison] “Nothing to see here, folks. He just wants to jail his political opponents. But hey, on the bright side, 13 years from now, maybe rebels will be taking a fun sleigh ride on a statue of him.”
stephen colbert
[On the deposed Assad fleeing to the arms of Donald Trump’s favorite dictator for asylum] “Yes, Putin has given Assad humanitarian asylum—and then sent him immediately to go fight in Ukraine.”
jon stewart
“I think no leader can go wrong in their exile choice by posing one simple question to themselves: What would Steven Seagal do?”
jon stewart
[On new Syrian leader Abu Mohammad al-Jolani promising a different sort of rule] “‘Conquest of mercy and love?’ I think that’s how Taylor ended the Eras Tour. The new leader of Syria’s a Swifite? How many terror groups is that guy in?”
jon stewart
[On al-Jolani telling CNN that his flirtation with Al-Qaeda is in the past] “I get it. Who amongst us hasn’t gone through an emo phase, or goth phase, or a 9/11 phase?”
jon stewart
And Yet the Hamburglar Walks Free
The manhunt for the murderer of UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson ended on Monday, as local authorities, acting on a tip from a McDonald’s patron, arrested a suspect in Altoona, PA. Stephen Colbert assiduously instructed his crew to bleep the name of said suspect, explaining that publicizing the person’s name would either mean smearing an innocent man or giving publicity to a guilty one, which is a responsible choice. But since the suspect’s name sounds like an alias Chico Marx would come up with to invade a society party, Colbert and other hosts on the case did plenty of Italian jokes anyway.
The suspect (okay, his name is Luigi Mangione) does appear to be the guy, what with his long history of documented anti-healthcare industry rhetoric and the fact that some of said animus against a system that thrives on human misery and greed was found in handwritten notes on his handsome person. (Plus, the gun that was apparently used in the attack.)
As noted here on LateNighter and elsewhere, joking about the murder is a test of taste and comedic courage. On the one hand, murder is bad, and it’s not exactly a shocker when a disaffected white guy with easy access to guns decides that shooting somebody is the easy answer to a thorny issue. On the other, the American healthcare system is built around the systematic slow murder of millions of people who are either denied needed medical care or hurled into inescapable poverty so that executives can reap $10 million dollar yearly salaries. Navigating this minefield is the province of comics willing to tickle the triggers of people on both sides of the issue, but that’s why these intrepid hosts get paid the big bucks.
[On the fast food patron who turned the suspect in] “And normally I would say snitches get stitches, but obviously without pre-approval…”
jon stewart
“Do you have any idea how attractive you have to be for a McDonald’s employee to be like, ‘Okay, you being in here is suspicious.'”
taylor tomlinson
“Doesn’t everyone look suspicious at a McDonald’s? Just sitting down and eating there is suspicious.”
jimmy kimmel
[On an unearthed shirtless pic of the suspect] “You know that guy’s Italian because you could grate parmesan on those abs.”
stephen colbert
[On the smiling suspect’s widely lusted-after surveillance photo] “Anyone on dating apps knows, anyone can take one sexy, blurry candid right before they commit a murder.”
taylor tomlinson
[On the other fast food evidence] “[Police] obtained the suspect’s DNA from a discarded Starbucks water bottle. They also found a discarded latte from the murder suspect which was labeled ‘Mordor Saucepack.'”
stephen colbert
[On the suspect’s immediately discovered online reviews, where he rated the Unabomber’s book one star higher than Steve-O’s] “Maybe if Steve-O had written a better book he would have just hit the guy in the nuts with a tee-ball bat.”
jimmy kimmel
[On the suspect’s choice of public transportation to his alleged crime] “That’s 18 hours on a Greyhound. Prison holds no fear for this man.”
stephen colbert
“You know Greyhound’s slogan: What if a port-a-potty was stuck in traffic?”
stephen colbert
The Stench of Power
Donald Trump traveled to France to pay solemn and humble respect to one of the most revered houses of God upon its reopening after a devastating fire—and I’m just f**king with you. He used the reopening of Notre-Dame as a photo op to hawk some merch.
Yes, the incoming president of the United States is still slapping his visage on literally every reeking piece of rube-baiting crap he can find, with his new cologne being just the latest. Adding predictable insult to office-disgracing hucksterism, Trump also did a little non-consensual commerce-porn featuring First Lady Dr. Jill Biden, who was snapped smiling politely at him during the reopening of Notre-Dame de Paris, only for Trump to turn the moment of strained graciousness into an ad for his stink-water, complete with the slogan, “A fragrance your enemies can’t resist.” Classy stuff.
“He had to use that one because he doesn’t have a picture of his own wife smiling at him.”
jimmy kimmel
“You won. You don’t have to push merch any more. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but—this is beneath you.”
jon stewart
“It’s perfect if you want to smell like a Big Mac that’s been sitting in a tanning bed and then thrown into the back of a Cybertruck.”
jimmy fallon
“In response, Dr. Biden used the photo to sell her new line of pepper spray.”
stephen colbert
“Even after all these years, Trump still can’t tell when a woman is faking it.”
jimmy kimmel
“I’m sorry, that’s copyright infringement. There’s already a cologne called Fight Fight Fight, and it’s called tequila.”
stephen colbert
“I’m surprised they would let Trump visit a cathedral that had just burned down. Because if he gets too close to the holy water he’s gonna burst into flames.”
stephen colbert
Potpourri
“A truck in California caught on fire and left 30,000 pounds of melted chocolate on the highway. Firefighters showed up and said, ‘God, let that be 30,000 pounds of melted chocolate on the highway.'”
jimmy fallon
[On MLB superstar Juan Soto hopping New York teams from the Yankees to the Mets] “And as a Mets fan I am very excited to see how terribly this will inevitably go for us.”
jimmy kimmel
[On Taco Bell installing drive-thru photo booths] “Yeah, because that’s what people want when they’re drunk and high getting late-night tacos—evidence.”
taylor tomlinson
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