Missed Monday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.
Insurrection Do-Over
On Monday, the Supreme Court unanimously overruled the Colorado Supreme Court’s decision to strike Donald Trump from that state’s presidential ballot on the grounds that the 14th Amendment bars insurrectionists from holding office. It was a more contentious ruling than it appeared, however. While not taking up the question of Trump’s responsibility for the January 6 insurrection, the conservative majority stated that only an act of Congress could actually bar a candidate from the nationwide ballot while the three liberal Justices dissented, noting that such a narrow interpretation essentially gives a free pass to future insurrectionists.
Late-night hosts were skeptical of a body where three of the Justices were appointed by the alleged insurrectionist at hand, one of whom is married to someone implicated in that very same insurrection, with Seth Meyers noting that Clarence Thomas went as far as “even letting Trump pick the font.”
“Yes, the Supreme Court knows you can’t just let states decide who goes on their ballots. States are too busy deciding that life begins in the freezer section.”
stephen colbert
[This ruling] means the Supreme Court is the only place where Trump can win the popular vote.”
Seth meyers
“The Supreme Court unanimously ruled that Colorado is not allowed to remove him from the 2024 ballot. Then, out of habit, Trump immediatley appealed the decision.”
Jimmy Fallon
“The majority says that disqualification can only occur when Congress passes legislation. Okay, quick question: If Congress does decide to pass that legislation to disqualify a candidate for insurrection, what if he sends his mob to storm Congress to stop them from passing that legislation? Does that count as insurrection? Or do they have to pass more legislation about that before the next mob shows up?”
stephen colbert
Sundown in MAGA Town
At two recent campaign rallies, Donald Trump repeatedly slurred words, forgot the names of his opponents and at times simply trailed off mid-sentence. The candidate’s mental lapses appeared contagious, as at various times, Trump supporting speakers forgot everything from the National Anthem to the Pledge of Allegiance, leading Stephen Colbert to ponder, “At this point, I think they should check for a gas leak.”
“Donald Trump had two rallies this weekend. One in Virginia and one in North Carolina. But the two speeches had one unifying theme—his brain is broke.”
stephen colbert
[On Trump lapsing into odd sounds after mentioning Russia] “Not sure what actually happened there, but apparently he can’t say the word ‘Russia’ without climaxing.”
stephen colbert
[On Trump repeatedly substituting former President Obama’s name for current President Biden’s] “My mistake, I obviously meant to say that the current president is me.”
Jimmy Fallon
“It tells you how little he thinks of his crowd that he pronounced one syllable words the way I read Hop On Pop to my three-year-old.”
Seth meyers
[On Trump’s newest insulting nickname for immigrants] “I’m not completely sold on ‘Bigrant.’ Sounds like a migrant who’s open to crossing either border.”
Jon Stewart
“It sounded like his brain got a flat.”
jimmy fallon
“[Trump rallies] are like half megachurch and half Comic-Con, but with way worse merch.”
Seth Meyers
[After a GOP state senator messed up the Pledge of Allegiance] “Flag on the play! To the flag. There are four of them, the big stripey things right behind you, numbnut.”
stephen colbert
[After North Carolina Republican Virginia Foxx stumbled, referring to “Tresident Trump”] “Okay, sounds like a flub but it’s not. A ‘treisdent’ is merely a president who’s committed treason.”
stephen colbert
Trump Trap House
A January report by the Department of Defense inspector general revealed that the Trump White House, under personal presidential physician and current GOP legislator Ronny Jackson, was awash in prescription pills. Medications ranging from Adderrall and ketamine to morphine and fentanyl were reportedly handed out on a no-questions-asked basis by the White House Medical Unit.
“One person who worked in the pharmacy describe their policies this way, ‘Things were pretty loose. Whatever someone needs, we were going to fill this.’ Coincidentally, Don Jr.’s secret service code name—Someone.”
stephen colbert
“There was a full Inspector General’s report that the Trump White House was a pill mill and then a new report yesterday that said the Trump White House was just handing out speed and Xanax like candy and that story just came and went because there’s too much s**t going on. We didn’t have time to talk about it. Us! Eight years ago if you told me a story about the White House pharmacy handing out goodie bags full of benzos and amphetamines, I would have figured that’d be a week of Closer Looks. And now my reaction is, ‘We don’t have time for that Mickey Mouse bulls**t.”
Seth meyers
“One former staffer explained it this way, ‘I had a lot going on in my life and I wanted some.’ D.A.R.E. to keep kids off drugs—unless they want some.”
stephen colbert
Potpourri
“Former President Trump said in a new interview that he “is on the side of women,” adding, “When’s the last time Biden gave a lady 83 mil?”
Seth Meyers
[After Trump suggests that Hannibal Lecter could cross the U.S.-Mexico border] “Wouldn’t cannibals amongst them be a solution to the problem?”
Jon Stewart
“When asked in a new interview if he would vote for former President Trump, Mitt Romney said, “No, no, no, absolutely not. Okay, yes.”
Seth Meyers
Nikki Haley said she’d stay in the race as long as she’s competitive. Based on that, experts say she’ll probably drop out eight months ago.”
Jimmy Fallon
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