
As more than one late-night host noted at the start of the second week of the second Trump administration, Mondays are rough. Seth Meyers, approaching the weekend backlog of news, lamented “Trump’s trademark strategy of flooding the zone” for the comics’ back-to-work scramble, and he wasn’t alone.
From new and renewed feuds with former U.S. allies, to the ongoing purge of government officials and programs, to Trump’s contentious visit to fire-ravaged California, to a Chinese-made disruption to the stock market, Monday night’s monologues were jam-packed. Here’s our round-up of the night’s best lines from across the dial.
Seth Meyers
While not as directly impacted by the wildfires as his L.A.-based late-night colleagues, Seth Meyers was plenty hot about the president’s statements upon visiting that still-smoldering disaster area. Pulling clips from Trump’s press conference in which he blamed the fires on un-raked leaves, cited the superior fire-management of “forest people,” and wondered aloud why nobody thought to tap the reserve of water in “soaking wet” trees, Meyers largely let what he termed Trump’s “completely indecipherable comments” speak for themselves.
[On Trump explaining how trees burn more slowly than houses and dead wood] “Yes, trees absorb lots of water and have a higher combustion point than dry brush that is already dead. It’s like saying people in the gym are in better shape than the ones in the graveyard.”
“That is just a basic scientific fact about how plants work that has no relevance to the wildfire response. I mean what are you even suggesting to do with this ‘wetness?’ You can’t just put a faucet on the tree and say, ‘Boom! Problem solved.'”
[On Trump explaining how dead trees “melting into the ground” were the cause of the wildfires] “Okay there’s to much to get into here, so we’ll just have to ignore the fact that Trump thinks that trees can just melt into the ground. I think he saw that Salvador Dali Painting, thought that was the news.”
Meyers moved on to Trump’s peremptory firing of 18 Inspectors General, whose job is to act as independent overseers looking out for waste, fraud and abuse of power within their departments. As telling as the move was, it was also, as Meyers pointed out, in direct violation of federal law, something he explained that Republicans don’t seem all that interested in addressing.
“‘Some people thought that some were unfair or some were not doing their job.’ He can’t even explain his own decisions without sounding like he’s doing a book report for a book he hasn’t read. ‘The Giving Tree, of course, is about a tree that gives.'”
[On Republican Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) excusing Trump’s illegal move] [Exaggerated Graham voice] “‘Yeah, he broke the law but what do you expect him to do? He’s a charismatic outlaw bandit who is on the run from the sheriff, and we’re gonna rob a freight train together like Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid!'”
Jon Stewart
Jon Stewart took the long view concerning a weekend’s worth of Trump administration actions. In an extended monologue, the part-time Daily Show host made the case that most things Trump has done in his first week in office have been not only allowed by our existing systems, but granted permission by Republicans’ elected control of all branches of government. As for the things that aren’t, like the firings of those Inspectors General and Trump’s ongoing move to end constitutionally protected birthright citizenship, Stewart noted that they’ve been halted by the courts (at least temporarily).
While not pooh-poohing the idea that critics’ cries of encroaching fascism may well become more accurate going forward, Stewart asserted that Democrats’ plan has to be less alarmist and long-viewed. “Exist outside of him,” was Stewarts closing theme, urging Democrats to focus on a message more about what they can offer voters than about Trump’s Project 2025-blueprinted actions in order to “convince us to give that power to you.”
“For some reason, we have given presidents the power of a king. And then we say, ‘Oh by the way, that power, you’re not going to get all kingly and sh*t on us, right?'”
[On a federal judge unequivocally throwing Trump’s birthright citizenship argument out of his court for violating the 14th Amendment] “See how easy that was? It was a dictatorship and then a judge went, ‘Mnnn…’ [wags finger, shakes head.]'”
“It’s like when you have an electric fence. You never check it, you’re not really sure if it works. ‘Cause you have a good boy. You have a very good boy. But then one day… zap.”
Stewart also addressed ICE raids across the country, another legally questionable executive order that the host suggested Trump has been granted the authority to enact.
[On TV personality Dr. Phil McGraw joining in on anti-immigrant raids and being recognized by a detainee] “‘How do you know me?’ ‘You’ve been in one thing! How do you know I’m Dr. Phil? Because you’re on the Dr. Phil Show. ‘”
[On Trump suggesting that the residents of Gaza be expelled to live in neighboring countries] “What the f*ck? He’s so emboldened he wants to start deporting people from other people’s countries!”
Stewart also peeked in on Monday’s precipitous dip in the stock market, largely due to the new Chinese-made A.I. program DeepSeek, which upended American tech companies’ financial prospects.
“Who names an A.I. company after the thing it actually does? Where are your random letters? Where are your GPT, your Grok? DeepSeek sounds like what you might use it for. China’s even beating us at naming sh*t.”
“I know this is bad financially, but is anyone else excited that A.I. had its job replaced by A.I.?”
Stephen Colbert
Colbert approached the mountain of inbox material provided by this first Trump weekend by noting, “It’s been exactly one week since Trump took office and there have already been some big surprises. For instance, I did not know a week could last 10 years.”
The Late Show host then did a round-up of various Trump-related actions, including his abortive trade war with Colombia (over that country objecting to the mistreatment of immigrants on deportation flights), Trump’s firing of independent government watchdogs, and the irresistible fact of official Trump documents misspelling the name of the country from the first thing.
[On ICE raids across the country] “Daddy Donny is keeping his promise to round up immigrants in order to save the dogs that weren’t being eaten by imaginary Mexican Hannibal Lecter.”
[On those raids being referred to by CNN as a “blitz”] “Blitz? Really? Short for blitzkrieg? Just once can we do some fun German stuff? I’d love to see a headline that said, ‘Trump Administration Launches Nationwide Strudel.'”
[On Trump threatening an “emergency” 25 percent tariff on Colombian imports unless they allow his deportation flights to land] “To which Don Jr said, ‘Wait, not everything from Colombia, right?'”
[On the tariff plan misspelling the country’s name as “Columbia”] “And that is gonna anger the people of Columbia, not to mention their neighbors Acuador, Peenama, and Vuvuzela.”
[On Trump firing the 18 inspectors employed to watch out for government fraud and abuse] “Yeah, but maybe Trump is getting rid of all the oversight so nobody sees him doing anything good?”
Colbert also touched on another controversial Republican move, as former Fox News host Pete Hegseth was narrowly confirmed as Defense Secretary despite numerous allegations ranging from alcohol abuse to fraud to sexual assault.
[On the Late Show audience’s reaction to the news] “Don’t worry, Mr. Secretary, they’re not booing. They’re saying, ‘Pete has a problem with booooooooze.'”
[On Senator Mitch McConnell (R-KY) being one of three GOP Senators to oppose the confirmation] “Well thanks, Mitch. [Dusts hands] Republic saved. Sure, you may have personally blocked the impeachment of Trump in 2021, but history will remember you as the guy who almost stopped Pete Hegseth. It’ll all be in the book, Profiles in Uhhhhh.”
Jimmy Kimmel
The Jimmy Kimmel Live! host spent a good chunk of his Monday monologue celebrating the birthday of beloved sidekick Guillermo Rodriguez… by burying the poor guy in snakes. (The host-sidekick relationship is a strange and complicated one.)
First though, Kimmel took on some of the most important issues of the day, as he addressed the confirmation of two of Trump’s controversial cabinet picks in Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth and Homeland Security head Kristi Noem.
“On Saturday, Pete Hegseth was sworn in to Trump’s liquor cabinet on a stack of Mike’s Hard Lemonade.”
“One of Trump’s primary messages during the campaign was that immigrants were eating our pets. So what does he do, he goes out and hires the woman who shot all the pets. Problem solved. Homeland secured.”
Kimmel put Trump’s visit to fire-afflicted California in the foreground as well, noting Trump’s obsession with the nonexistent “valve” Trump insists would put out all the fires if Governor Gavin Newsom would just turn the darn thing.
[On said valve] “That’s right, he will be issuing an executive order making the whole state a Six Flags Hurricane Harbor.”
“The governor did his best to make nice. He said, in front of reporters, to the president he said, ‘You were there for us during Covid and we won’t forget it.’ Which is like telling Michael Meyers he was there for us Halloween and we won’t forget it.”
After showing clips of Eagles fans celebrating their team going to the Super Bowl (including some idiot caught firing a pistol into the air in the middle of a packed crowd), Kimmel had some football thoughts to round things out.
[On commentator Tom Brady’s overuse of a particular descriptor when calling Sunday’s playoff game] “A lot of ‘stud’s. He may want to throw a couple of ‘hunks’ or ‘beefcakes’ in there.”
“Taylor Swift has now been to more Super Bowls than the New York Jets.”
Taylor Tomlinson
The After Midnight host set her sights closer to her L.A. home, zeroing in on a new celebrity service designed to bail out the famous and scandal-plagued with something termed “cancel insurance.”
“The company says you pay to get 60 days of ‘crisis management communication services.’ AKA what your publicist was already supposed to be doing.”
“The insurance comes in three tiers: basic, premium, and Weinstein.”
“I have some of my own cancel culture insurance. It’s called shutting the f*ck up.”
With DeepSeek in the news, Tomlinson chimed in on the A.I. debate, picking up a story about companies choosing A.I. over Gen Z when it comes to new hires.
“Listen up, CEOs, this is very short-sighted. If you don’t hire Gen Z, who are you going to cheat on your spouse with?”
“We’ve all lied in job interviews before, but now Gen Z has to be like, ‘Yeah, no, I also don’t need to sleep or use the bathroom.'”
And even noted sports not-fan Tomlinson found something to joke about concerning the upcoming Super Bowl. Specifically that people can now wager on what Chiefs fan Taylor Swift will wear to the game.
“Yeah that’s right, some guy is going to have to go home and tell his wife that he blew their kid’s college fund because Taylor didn’t wear a ponytail like he thought.”
Jimmy Fallon
With the Philadelphia Eagles and the Kansas City Chiefs set to face off in New Orleans on February 9, The Tonight Show host devoted a good chunk of his Monday night monologue to the Super Bowl.
“If you’re rooting for the Eagles, you’re probably from Philly. And if you’re rooting for the Chiefs, you’re probably an NFL referee.”
[On the exorbitant ticket prices for this year’s game] “Right now fans are asking themselves, ‘Should I buy two Super Bowl tickets or a dozen eggs?'”
[On the even more-expensive rates for Super Bowl commercials] “The commercials are important because without them Americans would forget that beer, soda, and chips exist.”
[On Kansas City dyeing its city fountains an alarming red color in honor of the Chiefs’ playoff win] “Looks more like they’re promoting the new season of Squid Game.”
“That looks like what you see outside of Satan’s corporate headquarters.”
Fallon also reacted to tech stocks’ stumble at the introduction of DeepSeek.
“That story again, A.I. is afraid of losing its job to A.I.”
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