
Missed Tuesday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.
We All Get 10 Practice Contempt Charges, Right?
As admirably as Judge Juan Merchan has scoffed at Donald Trump’s legal team and its increasingly ridiculous and sweaty excuses for their client’s flagrant flouting of the gag order against him, the fact that Trump was issued his tenth contempt of court judgement (and measly $1,000 fine) on Monday for attacking the jurors and officers of the court in his criminal trial had late-night hosts looking for new ways to express their incredulity. With the judge putting it in writing that the next violation will quite probably mean jail time for Trump, at least that mental picture seemed to jazz up the hosts, with Jimmy Kimmel looking eagerly forward to the inevitable, noting, “It’s like trying to get a dog to stop licking itself. It’s his nature.”
“Oh, you’ve done it now, Donald. If you violate that gag order for an eleventh time, the judge is really gonna consider jail time. I mean he’s strongly considering the possibility of consequences for your actions!”
jordan klepper
“Please, you think Trump is scared of jail? That place is full of mobsters and white supremacists, he’ll walk into jail like Norm walks into Cheers.”
seth Meyers
“I mean, if you violate a gag order nine times you might as well make it an even ten.”
jimmy fallon
“Yes, no President has ever served jail time. Although Grover Cleveland did spend some time in witness protection as Grover Cincinnati.”
stephen colbert
“Look, I get that no judge wants to throw a former President into the slammer. But Donald Trump has the mind of a toddler. If there’s one thing a toddler understands, it’s that when mom and dad start counting like, ‘Nine… nine-and-a-half… nine-and-three-quarters…,’ the brat has already won.”
jordan klepper
“Donald Trump could go to Rikers Island. My condolences to whatever prison guard has to conduct the cavity search. Wear a headlamp.”
stephen colbert
“God help whoever gets that gig. They might find Vivek Ramaswamy living up there.”
jimmy kimmel
[On Trump complaining about makeup of the jury] “A jury’s supposed to be of my peers, but I can tell you, from what I can tell, they all love their children. And none of them tagged a porn star at a celebrity golf event.”
stephen colbert
“Sending the former President on a trip to Bar-a-Lago, according to Judge Merchan, is ‘the last thing I wanna do.’ Which is funny because it’s the first thing I want to do.”
Jimmy Kimmel
The Up-Sucky Veepstakes
With a Presidential election upon which our entire system of democracy hinges a mere six months away, it’s not too early to handicap the concurrent race to be GOP presumptive nominee Donald Trump’s Vice Presidential pick. In true Trump fashion, the former President and current criminal defendant has set up a political beauty pageant of sorts in advance of his pick to replace Mike Pence (who narrowly avoided being lynched by Trump’s insurrectionist pals), leading to a flurry of sycophantic TV appearances over the weekend.
And while former frontrunner Kristi Noem stumbled at the first hurdle (one clearly marked, ‘Do not brag about shooting puppies in the face”), South Carolina Senator and failed Trump presidential challenger Tim Scott leapt into the suck-up sweepstakes lead by refusing to commit to accepting any non-Trump 2024 election results, despite being asked to do so multiple times point-blank by MSNBC’s Kristen Welker. As we look forward to weeks of boot-licking and non-answers from power-hungry Veep wannabes, many of whom are on the record condemning Trump in the past, The Daily Show‘s Jordan Klepper summed up the warning signs: “This is how humiliating it is to be on Trump’s team. Normal questions become trick questions. Do you accept the election results? Should you look directly into an eclipse?”
“He’s picking his Vice President Bachelor-style. ‘I really enjoyed our one-on-one time in the fantasy Oval Office, Marco Rubio. Will you accept this noose?'”
stephen colbert
“He hosted an event at Mar-a-Lago for wealthy donors. It was a luncheon that included about a dozen potential running mates, all of whom are auditioning to be his number two on the exciting new reality competition show, So You Think You Can Pence.”
jimmy kimmel
[Also addressing Tim Scott’s refusal to answer] “This is how much you have to humiliate yourself to suck up to Trump. Normal people don’t talk like this. Imagine if your spouse got home late and you said, ‘Where were you?’ And they said, ‘I was at work.’ And you said, ‘But I called work and they said you weren’t there.’ And they said, ‘That is my statement.’ And you said, ‘But where were you?’ And they said, ‘You can ask it multiple times, but at the end of the day, I was at the office.’ And you said, ‘I’m not hearing an answer.’ And they said, ‘I’m looking forward to sleeping! And that is my statement.’ You wouldn’t shrug and say, ‘Well, let’s keep this marriage going for four more years.'”
seth meyers
“Only Donald Trump could end up with a running mate and cellmate in the same month.”
jimmy kimmel
Noem Chance in Hell
Of course, the former MAGA minion most likely to replace Mike Pence had been South Dakota Governor and proud puppy-murderer Kristi Noem. (Read that sentence again if you want to recalculate your Republican Vice Presidential betting pool.) Strangely, late-night hosts are loath to let this one go. Maybe it’s the fact that Noem also bragged about shooting a family goat, almost as an afterthought. Or three family horses. Or that she’s doubled and even tripled down on her pooch-y bloodlust in interviews, attempting at various times to claim little Cricket (for ’twas the dog’s name) was a danger to her children, or that that’s just the way things go in South Dakota.
And in case that whole… unpleasantness wasn’t enough to scuttle the otherwise right-up-Trump’s-alley potential running mate’s chances, reports came out this weekend that Noem lied in her upcoming book titled No Going Back about having a staring contest with North Korean authoritarian strongman Kim Jong Un. (An odd choice of world dictators to falsely belittle, since her desired boss Donald Trump has repeatedly praised the North Korean dictator, among others.) After Noem claimed not to know the lie was in the book she supposedly wrote (and for which she’s already recorded the audio version), Stephen Colbert suggested, “Thats why her book is now called Going Back and Making Some Changes.”
“I’m not a political expert, but if I had to give a politician advice, I would say the top thing is not to shoot your puppy. The second top thing would be to not write about shooting your puppy.”
jordan klepper
“I really love that she thinks she still has a shot. I mean, she had a shot, she used it on her dog.”
jimmy kimmel
“That is not an excuse, Kristi Noem. You can’t just go around executing puppies and say, ‘Well, that’s life on a farm.’ It’s a farm, not international waters.”
jordan klepper
[After another excerpt revealed Noem’s desire to shoot Joe Biden’s dog Commander as well] “That’s your ‘if I was President’ fantasy? What happens if she finds a genie’s lamp? ‘Kill a dog, kill a dog, time machine so I can go back and kill’s Hitler…’s dog.'”
stephen colbert
“Dear lord, this woman has a taste for dog blood! It’s like she thought All Dogs Go to Heaven was a personal challenge.”
jordan klepper
“And for ‘bad behavior?’ I mean, even Cruella De Vil was like, ‘Jesus, at least I was making a coat!'”
jordan klepper
“What did the goat do? It sounds like she saw it and was like, ‘Well, I can’t leave any witnesses.'”
jordan klepper
[On Noem’s Kim Jong Un lie] “Why would she even claim this? She’s like the female George Santos. Although sometimes George Santos is the female George Santos.”
jimmy kimmel
[On Noem’s North Korea spin] “‘When it came to your attention?’ You wrote the book!”
jimmy fallon
“Maybe the ghost writer was the ghost of the goat.”
jimmy kimmel
“There’s no way Trump is going to pick Kristi Noem, but he wants to keep her around in case one of the other lapdogs stops obeying his commands.”
jordan klepper
Potpourri
[Over a picture of Drake] “Yesterday was Cinco de Mayo, and Kendrick Lamar celebrated with his favorite piñata.”
seth meyers
[On an especially expensive Mar-a-Lago wedding over the weekend] “I assume the food options are chicken, fish, and the most dangerous game.”
stephen colbert
“[The Kentucky Derby] was so popular, Netflix is now working on The Roast of Mystic Dan.”
jimmy fallon
[After White House visitor Mark Hamill called President Biden, “Joebi-Wan Kenobi”] “I’m not sure how helpful it is to compare Biden to a ghost.”
seth meyers
“I don’t know, have you ever watched him walk? He’s definitely more of a C3P-Joe.”
seth meyers
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