Missed Wednesday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.
Defeatism, Thy Name Is Democrat
After the nigh-unanimous pile-on that were late-night hosts’ post-vacation monologue assessments of President Joe Biden (and more specifically his debate performance) on Monday, said hosts now find themselves in the position of taking Democrats to task for being so bummed out. Sure, there are troubling things going on—Donald Trump leading in some polls, high-profile but ultimately irrelevant celebrity defections from the Biden train—but, as Seth Meyers put it, the parade of long-faced Dems trooping in and out of meetings about the state of the Biden campaign look an awful lot like “melancholy, hand-wringing, woe-is-me bullsh°t.”
Now some skeptic might chime in to question whether these same comedians harping on the historically suicidal idea of ditching an incumbent President with a more than solid four-year track record aren’t exactly helping morale. Or that there are questions about the motives behind mainstream news organizations’ suspiciously lockstep call for Joe Biden’s ouster while the twice-impeached, coup-leading Republican candidate rants about sharks, Hannibal Lecter, and electric planes falling out of the sky ’cause it’s cloudy. Or that all this Democratic defector talk is coming from rich white men who seem more than a little uncomfortable with the prospect of a Kamala Harris presidency down the line. As Meyers himself put it when referring to the recent French election in which some last-minute unity from left and center voters beat back a very Trump-like authoritarian power-grab, moping and waffling is never a winning strategy. Of course, then Meyers and other hosts continued to entertain replacing Biden , which sort of undercuts the whole “unite against fascism” message, but whatever.
“Oh my God, Democrats, get your sh*t together. There’s four months left to go and you’re already admitting defeat and holding a funeral? This is like a football coach giving a halftime speech that ends with, “Clear eyes, full hearts, we’re gonna get f**king crushed!”
seth meyers
“Keep in mind, Biden has said about 50 times that he’s staying in the race. He’s like, ‘I’m not going anywhere. The Lord Almighty couldn’t get me out of this race.’ And Pelosi’s going, ‘Yep, great. Just let us know when you decide.'”
jordan klepper
“I’m not saying things are chaotic, but right now Biden’s campaign office seems like the kitchen on The Bear.”
jimmy fallon
“No one cares how sad you guys are. Democracy is on the line. A pathological megalomaniac is currently leading in the polls, and if he wins you won’t be able to distract yourself by looking at porn because it will be banned. Even the softcore stuff on Instagram, that’s right. They’re comin’ for side-boob!”
seth meyers
[After clips of some Dems’ equivocating about their support] “Okay again, less an argument and more a statement of fact. It’s like if your mother-in-law asked if you liked the dinner she made and you say, ‘You made a dinner. And it was food. And I will eat the food until there is other food.'”
desi lydic
“I mean, that’s the same energy my mom had when I told her I was gong into comedy. She still calls me today like, ‘Have you made a decision about medical school yet?'”
jordan klepper
“You guys are talking about him the way disappointed parents talk about a college student’s major. “I mean, I wish he was pre-med, but he fell in love with improv and it’s my job as a parent to say…’Yes, and.'”
seth meyers
“Yeah, Democrats are torn between breaking up with their guy or just riding it out. Melania was like, ‘I know that feeling.'”
jimmy fallon
George Swoony
A sideshow to the ongoing Democratic Party indecision about President Biden has been the notable defection of several high-profile onetime celebrity Biden champions like Rob Reiner, Stephen King, and today, George Clooney. Despite having helped raise big bucks for the Biden/Harris campaign as recently as a month ago, Clooney wrote an op-ed for the New York Times urging Biden to drop out of the presidential race, which the Times ran alongside its own in-house cache of similarly themed opinion pieces.
Again, some might say that giving inordinate ink to non-politician celebs is what got us a former reality show host in the White House in the first place. (Much scanter attention was paid to Biden’s inspiring Tuesday NATO speech or certain unsealed documents concerning his opponent’s recently unsealed further ties to infamous pedophile sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein.) And longtime Democratic booster Clooney was effusive in praising Biden as a person and a President—right before he leapt off the Biden bus in mid-journey.
“Yeah, you know you’re in trouble when even Danny Ocean is saying, ‘We can’t pull this one off.'”
desi lydic
“While congressional Democrats are conflicted, we got a clear message today from our nation’s more powerful Democratic leaders—George Clooney.”
stephen colbert
“Last month, he helped raise 30 million dollars for Joe Biden. Wait, while we were all distracted by this op-ed, who was watching the money? Awww, it was a heist the whole time—Cloooney!!”
desi lydic
“George wrote a New York Times op-ed titled, ‘I Love Joe Biden. But We Need a New Nominee,’ adding, ‘We also need a money guy, a safecracker, an acrobat, and Brad Pitt. It’s the plot of Ocean’s 24: Amal’s Busy With Human Rights Stuff and I Got Bored.”
stephen colbert
Project 2020 Which Now?
Prepare yourself, but it appears that Donald Trump lied. This time, the GOP frontrunner and 34 times convicted felon claimed that he has absolutely no idea about the Heritage Foundation’s Project 2025, a poorly written yet terrifying right-wing plot to essentially dismantle American democracy in favor of a Christo-fascist agenda of censorship, cronyism, exploitation, ethnic cleansing, and unfettered power in the hands of the President. (Assuming that President is Donald Trump.)
With polling numbers plummeting once voters actually learn the true scope of this fascistic fever dream, Trump is backing away with signature ineptitude, lying that he has no idea about this Project 2025 business. You know, even though his closest advisers wrote it, the Heritage Foundation is crowing about Trump’s approval, and the plan’s worst abuses all playing directly into every pandering, self-dealing desire Trump trumpets in his rallies. The fact that Trump, in the same social media post, claims not to know anything about Project 2025, says some of it is okay with him, and then wishes the authors luck all combine to undermine his credibility somewhat. As Seth Meyers put it concerning Trump’s faked ignorance of this “deranged” plan for America, “Our only glimmer of hope, he’s the worst f**king liar.”
“Project 2025 sounds like the name of a government research project than accidentally creates mushroom zombies.”
stephen colbert
“Conservatives want to wage a full scale assault on reproductive rights by, among other things, banning emergency contraception and the abortion pill and renaming the Department of Health and Human Services the Department of Life. Which is ironic given that supporters of this plan all look like they were mummified, like 500 years ago. And their candidate looks like a Madame Toussaud’s wax figure after it was fished out of the East River.”
seth meyers
[On Project 2025’s plan to ban pornography, among other things] “So moving forward, if you want to see a porn star naked, you’ll have to do it the way God intended, by having sex with one during your third marriage.”
seth meyers
“Also, I love when he says he knows enough about the plan to disagree with it, but also claims he has no idea who’s behind it. You could just Google it, you know? Then you’d see that the people behind it are all a bunch of cadavers who worked for you.”
seth meyers
“Surely he remembers Stephen Miller. I mean, how could you forget? That’s like watching the Quiet Place prequel and not immediately recognizing the monsters.”
seth meyers
Come for the Hate, Stay for the Gibberish
After not being seen in public since the presidential debate, Donald Trump emerged to wow his cheering supporters at a Florida golf club rally on Tuesday. Undaunted by the triple-digit heat or Trump arriving an hour late, the MAGA faithful were treated to tales about their married candidate ogling waitresses, attacks on a fellow Republican’s physical appearance, and golf brags, with healthy helping of groove-skipping incomprehensible tangents on the side. (Surely Trump reading his stage direction, ““Yes, oh yes, and quickly says President Trump” will result in blanket media coverage of his declining mental state and widespread calls to drop out of the race. Almost certainly.)
“If you missed Donald Trump’s rally yesterday, he had very important things to say, like Biden sucks at golf, Chris Christie is fat, and and once I saw a hot waitress.”
jordan klepper
“It’s the first time I ever heard Trump talk about a woman’s inner beauty. Maybe he’s maturing—either that or he thinks there are more boobs to find on the inside.”
desi lydic
[On Trump proudly admitting he knew nothing about NATO when he took office] “That certainly inspires confidence. It’s like a surgeon saying, ‘Uh, to be honest Mr. Hendricks, before this morning I didn’t really know what the heart even was. But, you know, I watched a YouTube video and figured it out in like two minutes. So what do you say you go sleepy-bye and I scoop out the squishy-pumpy thing.'”
stephen colbert
[After warm-up speaker and potential VP pick Marco Rubio went on a tangent of his own, about biodegradable straws] “Okay first of all, it’s not a good insult to say that a straw sucks. That’s like fully what they’re supposed to do. That’s like saying a trombone blows or a dung beetle eats sh*t.”
seth meyers
[On Trump’s jarring transition from acting out a mother watching her child die of an overdose to complaints about airports] “Wow, what a smooth transition from, ‘There’s blood in the streets!’ to ‘And why do I have to check my bags at the gate?'”
jordan klepper
“They’re killing us with fentanyl and I’m in boarding group 6?”
desi lydic
[On Trump’s offer to spot Biden in a golf game] “Ten strokes, that’s nine more than he lasted with Stormy.”
kathryn hahn
“Trump said if Biden beats him he’d give a million dollars to charity. Keep in mind, Charity is the name of a dancer at a club near Mar-a-Lago.”
jimmy fallon
Potpourri
[On MAGA pillow magnate Mike Lindell offering to be “in charge” of elections under a second Trump term] “In charge? He’s the biggest election denier of all time. Thats like making E. coli the manager of the salad bar.”
stephen colbert
“This is my last night hosting the show. And if Donald Trump becomes President again, it might be the last time a woman over 40 is allowed to appear on national television.”
kathryn hahn
[On Biden’s widely praised speech asserting America’s support of NATO] “And here’s the thing, let’s hold the election right now, okay?”
stephen colbert
“Taco Bell is launching what they’re calling an early retirement community in San Diego. It’s called the Cantinas. Finally we can die the way we lived, with a crunchwrap supreme pouring out of our anuses.”
kathryn hahn
Receive our daily monologue round-ups via email: sign up here.
