Missed Wednesday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.
Surfing the Wave With the Big Kamala
Joe Biden’s withdrawal from the 2024 presidential race and his enthusiastic endorsement of Vice President Kamala Harris continue to energize a Democratic Party that was—let’s face it—in a bit of a post-debate funk. Harris has out-raised every other presidential candidate in history in her first three days as the presumptive nominee, Vote.org reports that new voter registrations, largely of jazzed-up young and women voters, are surging (even outpacing the Taylor Swift bump), and Donald Trump continues to fume and sputter like Trading Places‘ Mortimer Duke on the Wall St. trading floor.
It’s a position of strength and optimism for the future (and the future of American democracy) that perennially doom-saying Democrats are unaccustomed to, as exemplified by Stephen Colbert’s open monologue salvo on Wednesday. “I’m a little bit worried,” the Late Show host deadpanned, “because since Sunday afternoon, I haven’t been that worried.” Hang in there, big guy.
[On polling showing Harris beating Donald Trump by two points] “But I want to be cautious and just preface this by saying, polls have been wrong all year. Polls don’t vote, people do. This far out, it’s just a snapshot of the present opinion and you cannot place any of your trust in them, okay? [Pause] Wooooo! It’s over!”
stephen colbert
“And I’m being told it’s not over, it just feels better.”
stephen colbert
[On Wisconsin Governor Tony Evers’ comically underwhelming expression of excitement for Harris] “My goodness, that guy makes Mike Pence look like Andrew Dice Clay. ‘On my excitement scale, if zero is off the chain… ten is roof being raised, this is somewhere in the holy macaroni zone.'”
jimmy fallon
[After Harris’ entrance to the theme of Béyonce’s “Freedom” (“Women don’t quit on themselves”) was greeted by a Wisconsin rally crowd joyously chanting her name] “Can you imagine the rush of entering a room and having people chant your name? I mean obviously I don’t have to imagine it, but I was just wondering if you could imagine it.”
stephen colbert
[After the same crowd echoed Harris’ rebuttal to Trump’s regressive Project 2025 proposals, “We’re not going back”] “That is a powerful message. And it applies to so much. Women’s rights? Not going back. Gay rights? Not going back. Thats corn dog stand that gave us E. coli? Might go back—it’s just so crispy.”
stephen colbert
[On Harris raising $126 million in just three days] “Do you know what this means? This means that Kamala Harris had a bigger opening weekend than Twisters. Sorry Glenn Powell—maybe you’d be more popular if you hit the gym, okay, Tubbo?”
stephen colbert
[On Harris’ growing list of celebrity endorsements] “Yes! I can tell you she is the biggest thing to hit Hollywood since Ozempic—and lying that you’re not on Ozempic.”
stephen colbert
[On Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer’s delay in endorsing Harris] “If there’s one thing Schumer’s known for it’s his lightning speed. ‘Uh oh, honey, our house appears to be on fire. I have a prepared statement to make about this, if you… That is the wrong pocket, that is the wrong pocket. Here it is. Thank you for your patience… Run.'”
stephen colbert
Head for the Hillbilly
On the other side of this winner-take-all contest for the soul of America, Donald Trump is having the exact opposite week. The usual slam-dunk poll bump that comes with the selection of a Vice Presidential running mate hasn’t materialized, mainly because, as polls note, Trump’s pick J.D. Vance represents the least popular such pick since, well, ever. Meanwhile, the late switch to a revved-up and deeply popular Kamala Harris has the GOP and its propaganda arm, Fox News, scrambling for a plan of attack.
“J.D. Vance is the least-liked VP nominee in decades. He’s even more unpopular than Grover Cleveland’s running mate, Eustace P. Babypuncher. Do you remember his campaign slogan, ‘Why is that baby starin’ at me?'”
stephen colbert
[After a the stifling silence in response to a speech in which Vance claimed Democrats will call him racist for drinking Diet Mountain Dew] “Oh, oh buddy. You sound like a groom who invited only coworkers to his bachelor party.”
stephen colbert
[After House Speaker Mike Johnson and other GOP leaders urged fellow elected Republicans to stop making racist comments about Vice President Harris] “Not great when you have to remind your employees to not do something everyone knows is wrong. You never want to see a sign in a restaurant that says, ‘Employees must wash hands. And less pooping in the sink.'”
stephen colbert
[Following a montage of Fox News talking heads attacking Kamala Harris for suggesting that plastic straws are bad for the environment] “That’s the best you got? Really seems like you’re… you’re grasping at something, I don’t know what exactly.”
stephen colbert
“Although, when you think about it, it does make sense that Fox News would be obsessed with straws. After all, they suck.”
stephen colbert
That’s Some Adorable Corporate Synergy Right There
Sandwiching themselves between this week’s guest host, Lamorne Morris, Deadpool & Wolverine stars Ryan Reynolds and Hugh Jackman took to the Jimmy Kimmel Live stage in rumpled tuxes to cheekily fête tomorrow’s release of their very own Marvel Cinematic Universe team-up. Now you may be thinking, “Doesn’t Disney own both Jimmy Kimmel Live and Deadpool & Wolverine?,” further speculating that such a high-profile bit of stunt hosting smacks of cynical corporate double-dealing.
Well, you’d be 100 percent correct. Reynolds and Jackman’s monologue eschewed any semblance of topicality that was not related to hyping up the MCU’s first-ever R-rated superhero flick, and the famously charismatic goofballs peppered each other with playful jabs at their respective movie careers (yes, Jackman’s Movie 43 neck-testes got a pixilated shout-out), and their corporate overlords, and basically served as each others’ straight man. (They also were hilariously mean in response to some little-kid-on-the-street interview questions.)
As shameless a marketing gimmick as the guest hosting gig was, it was all pretty charming, with Reynolds and Jackman obviously still enjoying each others’ company even after the Disney-mandated marketing blitz took them to every corner of the soon-to-be-conquered moviegoing globe. C’mon, they even crooned the Golden Girls theme to each other, and you can’t fake that.
“It’s exciting, we’re officially joining the Marvel Cinematic Universe. It’s owned by our parent company, Disney. They own a lot of stuff, actually. They own this show Jimmy Kimmel Live, ABC, Hulu, FX, FXX, ESPN, the concept of joy, uhhh… water, air, and they just bought up all the global supply of insulin.”
ryan reynolds
“People are saying this film could save the Marvel Cinematic Universe. And you know what, maybe even democracy. I’m kidding, I’m kidding—democracy’s dead.”
ryan reynolds
[Holding up the nightmare fuel merch that is the official Wolverine popcorn bucket] “You know, I didn’t realize until just now—people are really gonna f**k this thing.”
ryan reynolds
[After Jackman speculates whether parents will allow kids to see an R-rated superhero movie] “And the answer is, are you the cool parent or are you a friggin’ narc?”
ryan reynolds
[After one child asks who the actors are] “Hey kid, hi. I’m the guy whose Walk of Fame star you’re standing on, you little sh*t.”
hugh jackman
“Who are we? We’re the outgrowth of severe childhood trauma, who have toiled away in this vapid, morally bankrupt industry for the past 25 years. And now we have enough money to get away with literally anything. We could buy your childhood home and burn it to the ground. You hear me? You think Jimmy Kimmel’s really on vacation? He’s dead. We killed him.”
ryan reynolds
Potpourri
“Earlier tonight, President Biden gave a prime time address from the Oval Office about his decision to drop out of the race. Basically, Sunday he broke up with the country over text and tonight he met us for coffee to explain.”
jimmy fallon
“Today is National Tequila Day—and so is every day until Election Day.”
jimmy fallon
“It’s also National Cousins Day. That’s right, it’s Tequila Day and Cousins Day, or as it’s known in West Virginia, Valentine’s Day.”
jimmy fallon
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