Donald Trump’s state visit to Saudi Arabia (with a coming stop to pick up his new jet in Qatar) claimed most of the monologue space Tuesday night. Details like the obliging Saudis catering to Trump’s junk food obsession, Trump catching some z’s during the reception, and the Saudis involvement with a certain American reporter’s dismemberment all made appearances as well. Here’s our Tuesday rundown.
Jordan Klepper
“You gotta hand it to the Saudis, though. They know that the fastest way to Trump’s heart is through his stomach, out the colon, with a little bit staying behind in his arteries.”
“Well, well, well. Look who’s sleepy now.”
after a montage of trump mocking president biden for supposedly falling asleep in meetings
“Mister president! I mean, you can’t fall asleep there. This isn’t an intelligence briefing, c’mon, man!”
“I agree, you might like him too much.”
on trump saying exactly that about saudi leader Mohammed bin Salman Al Saud, who ordered the murder of american journalist Jamal Khashoggi
“But you may be wondering, why did Trump pick these three countries for his first foreign trip? Well, there’s a strong geopolitical balance of—I’m f*cking with you! Corruption!“
on trump’s choice of saudi arabia, qatar, and the united arab emirates for his first overseas trip
“The Trump boys have projects in all three countries. I never thought I’d say this, but can’t these countries go back to doing something more productive, like funding terrorism?”
“Yeah, I think we can stop pretending that this airplane is going to be ‘transferred to his presidential library.’ This is like the news reporting your aunt is bringing ‘her good friend Linda’ to Thanksgiving.”
on qatar’s bribe of a $400 luxury jet to trump
“There you have it! Trump hasn’t given them anything and it’s been like 36 hours.”
on attorney general pam bondi claiming it’s not a bribe because trump hasn’t publicly reciprocated
“You know, it looks bad. But you have to understand, that’s a lot of money. And money feels good to have and to spend, so now I get it.”
on bondi’s last job as a $115,000 a month lobbyist for qatar
Stephen Colbert
It was Stephen Colbert’s 61st birthday Tuesday, and while he viewed Donald Trump’s absence from the country to be a gift, the Late Show host still had to work.
“[Trump] landed in Riyadh this morning, where he got a lavish welcome, greeted by Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman on a sumptuous carpet, purple, made out of hand-harvested journalist nurple.”
“Of course one of the most rewarding things about traveling the globe is getting the chance to sample the local nugget truck.”
on the saudi’s gift of a trump-dedicated McDonald’s semi
“Just a gentle reminder. U.S. intelligence has determined that Mohammed bin Salman ordered the murder and dismemberment of American journalist and Saudi dissident Jamal Khashoggi, so here is how Trump talked about him. [Clip of Trump saying of bin Salman, ‘I like him too much’] ‘I like you too much—you’re like the son I never had. What’s that? How many?'”
Colbert also addressed Robert F. Kennedy Jr. taking a Mother’s Day swim with his grandkids in Washington D.C.’s Rock Creek, which is closed for swimming due to high levels of human waste.
“Okay, that’s an unusual Mother’s Day brunch. ‘And what can I get you folks started on?’ ‘Uh, nothing for me. I’m saving room to eat a bunch of poop in a creek later, thank you very much.'”
For the Catholic Colbert who trained at Chicago’s Second City, the election of Pope Leo XIV has been a welcome development in a sea of bad news. Especially since this Pope seems like a pretty good guy.
“The more we learn about this fella, the more I like him. He’s like a regular Joe Six-Pope.”
“It seems crazy to have a Pope who’s a hoops fan. But it’s right there in the Bible: ‘And Jesus said unto them, ‘Come on, that’s a foul! Are you blind, ref? Because if so, my child, I will heal you.'”
on reports that pope leo follows basketball
“It sounds delicious, and it’s perfect for devout Catholics, ’cause you eat at Portillo’s enough, you’re gonna meet Jesus real soon.”
on the chicago eatery offering a new, fully loaded, pope-inspired sandwich
Seth Meyers
A sundowning Trump, RFK’s brain worm driving the bus, and everything else from alligators to donuts all found space in Seth Meyers’ Tuesday monologue.
“During a press conference yesterday, President Trump said that if China had signed a trade deal during his first term, the Chinese ‘would be able to buy products that they’ve never been able to buy.’ I’m sorry, you think they want stuff from us? They have iPhones, we have cars that can’t get wet.”
“You know, I used to think that is was crazy that he had a brain worm. But now I think it’s crazy that he only had one.”
on HHS Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr taking his grandkids swimming in a creek polluted with fecal matter
“In a statement released yesterday, the FAA said that as few as three air traffic controllers were scheduled to work last night at Newark Liberty Airport. On the plus side, nobody is working at Hudson News. Take all the trail mix and magazines you want, it’s a free for all!”
“Well that’s gonna come as quite a surprise to Queen Latifah.”
on trump’s claim that he invented the word “equalize”
“Authorities in Pennsylvania arrested a woman after she allegedly stole more than $1,000 worth of candles from a CVS. On the bright side, her arrest was very romantic.”
“Krispy Kreme has unveiled a selection of donuts to celebrate the 45th aniversary of the video game Pac Man. And if you have enough of them, you’ll become a ghost.”
“An alligator got its head stuck in a lawn chair last week in front of a home in Florida. This story first reported at the committee meeting for a new state flag.”
Jimmy Fallon
“Yeah, it was a big day, Saudi Arabia’s crown prince met with America’s burger king.”
“Yup, Trump is in Saudi Arabia. He’s hoping to make a trillion dollars worth of deals, ranging from shady to sketchy to sus.”
“You can tell times are tough in Boston. At Dunkin’, they’re adding whiskey to every coffee without asking.”
on the knicks taking a 3-1 playoff series lead
“Spirit Airlines will start offering premium seats with extra leg room. Spirit was like, ‘Go ahead and stretch your legs out of the windows as far as you want.'”
Taylor Tomlinson
The After Midnight host continued to swerve away from non-stop doom-joking to focus on the supposed trend of Gen Z-ers quitting music.
“The goal is to improve their poor attention spans, but not listening to music cannot be the solution. I mean—if you’re trying to quit smoking weed you don’t also need to quit Doritos.”
“And I thought Millennials getting into vinyls was annoying.”
“And at least music isn’t physically dangerous. I can do it while I drive, and if I sneak a little music to my teen nephew, I don’t get banned from Thanksgiving.”
“This new generation is either going to become the most zen, enlightened group of people ever, or, like, the parents from Footloose.”
“The issue is overstimulation, not music. They’re listening to music while looking at their phone while eating hot Cheetos while snorting Adderall.”
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