Missed Tuesday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.
Matthew, Mark, Luke, and Con
Even with a New York appeals court lowering Donald Trump’s outstanding bond in his fraud case from $464 million to $175 million on Monday, the alleged billionaire and presumptive Republican nominee is still facing numerous other potentially costly legal proceedings, owes the woman he sexually assaulted over $80 million, and is lagging far behind President Joe Biden in campaign fundraising for the upcoming election. So naturally, the thrice-divorced guy who is currently on criminal trial for paying hush money to a porn star with whom he cheated on his third wife is hawking the holiest thing he can get his hands on, the Bible.
Trump, in association with “God Bless the U.S.A.” singer and Trump supporter Lee Greenwood is now selling $60 copies of the freely available Christian text, complete with separation of church and state-flaunting inserts containing such founding American documents as the Constitution and Bill of Rights in order to raise some much-needed cash from his worshipful, God-fearing fans. As Jordan Klepper summed up the unholy scam, “How does that thing not burst into flames immediately?”
“And I know people will that you’re not supposed to mix the Bible and the Constitution, but what you have to understand is that Trump has never read either of them.”
jordan klepper
“Exactly! Trump is just like Christ. The Pharisees despised Jesus because Jesus had all that prime Dead Seafront property.”
stephen colbert
“Trump is mashing together the Bible and the Constitution like its a Pizza Hut-Taco Bell.”
jordan klepper
[Trump voice] “It’s my favorite book, right after Captain Underpants and the Cheesecake Factory menu.”
jimmy fallon
“Trump getting into business with God can only mean one thing: God is going to end up bankrupt and serving a three month prison sentence for lying under oath.”
jordan klepper
“I like how they made the Bible the exact same color as his skin, Corinthian leather.”
jimmy fallon
“What’s amazing about this is that Trump just made five billion dollars on his new stock. Buddy, you’re not supposed to be doing this embarrassing grifter s**t when you’re that rich. Just start a private space company like a normal billionaire sociopath.”
jordan klepper
Trump Pump and Dump
Sticking with that whole “Trump made five billion dollars” thing, late-night hosts were, like most experts, deeply skeptical about reports that Trump’s social media company Truth Social made the debt-floundering former President billions upon going public this week. Critics have also made note of the suspicious participation of Trump-loving billionaire and TikTok investor Jeff Yass in the deal, whose recent support of Trump saw the GOP candidate suddenly and completely flip-flop on his former zeal to to ban TikTok entirely.
Noting that analysts have called the company’s claim to be worth billions “untethered to reality” and that Truth Social lost more that $49 million last year while shedding fully half of its daily users, Stephen Colbert mused about the rumored pump-and-dump scheme, “So Trump sells something that does terribly, yet it makes him billions. That’s why I’m introducing my new product, Stephen Colbert’s Bathtub Toaster.”
“Is that suspicious? Yasssssss.”
stephen colbert
“You know folks, I consider myself a deep spiritual thinker. I have frequently pondered the age-old questions like, ‘Why do bad things happen to good people?’ And ‘Why do good things ever happen to Donald Trump.'”
stephen colbert
“The name of the company Trump merged with is the completely innocent sounding Digital World Acquisition Corp. I forget, are they the bad guys in Robocop or Terminator?”
stephen colbert
“To add insult to ‘there is no justice in this vale of tears,’ the company is traded under the ticker ‘DJT.’ That is the height of narcissism. And I say that as a guy who bolted his name to the side of this building.”
stephen colbert
[On Trump using the same trading initials, DJT, for this sketchy venture as he did for his failed casino business] “But that wasn’t his fault. He was trying to make money in the notoriously difficult casino industry.You know what they say, ‘The house always files for bankruptcy.'”
stephen colbert
Loose Trumps
Sometimes, there’s just too much Trump news for a coherent theme, folks.
“A New York judge said yesterday that Donald Trump’s hush money trial will start on April 15 with jury selection. well good luck finding 12 unbiased New Yorkers. He couldn’t be more hated if he showed up in Sox gear.”
seth meyers
“We have breaking news: Donald Trump is upset about something… One of the things Joe Biden has been running on in this election is the success and the popularity of Obamacare. It’s all part of the radical political theory that people enjoy staying alive.”
stephen colbert
“In a new interview, former President Trump urged Israel to end the war in Gaza and warned that they are losing international support. Sorry, it’s just weird when Trump has the same position as Bernie Sanders. It’s like a Gilligan’s Island episode where Gilligan gets hit in the head with a coconut and he’s smart for a day. I’m sure there’s another coconut on the way, though.”
seth meyers
Potpourri
“There was a big announcement today from presidential candidate most likely to eat a stick of natural deodorant, Robert F. Kennedy, Jr.”
stephen colbert
[On Florida banning social media for teens under 14] “The point is, if Florida teens are kicked off of their phones, maybe they could focus on all the quintessential experiences of being a teen in Florida. Things like wrestling a gator at prom. Or going to the library and reading the last four books that are still legal to read. Or trying to avoid Matt Gaetz on your walk home from school.”
jordan klepper
“The price of chocolate is hitting record highs. Meanwhile, the cost of white chocolate is holding steady at, ‘yechhh.'”
jimmy fallon
“The IRS yesterday announced that over one million people did not file tax returns in 2020. I would have, but if I remember 2020 correctly, my kid was using our printer to do kindergarten.”
seth meyers
[After right-wing media leapt to blame Tuesday’s tragic Baltimore bridge collapse on everything from minority hiring to immigration to the Biden administration’s infrastructure policy, instead of the bridge accidentally being rammed by an enormous barge] “If your grandma gets body slammed by the Rock, you’re not gonna blame her broken bones on a calcium deficiency.”
jordan klepper
[After conspiracy kook Alex Jones called the bridge accident the beginning of World War III] “Who are we fighting exactly? Is it boats? Is it the boats?”
jordan klepper
“Thieves in California stole over nine thousand dollars’ worth of Spam, alcohol, and instant coffee. The thieves are described as ‘armed, dangerous, and recently divorced.'”
jimmy fallon
“McDonald’s announced a new partnership with Krispy Kreme to offer donuts at the fast food chain. Because if you love McDonald’s and you love Krispy Kreme, you don’t have the energy to make two stops.”
seth meyers
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