Missed Tuesday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.
Flagging Down the Alitos
After independent journalist and filmmaker Lauren Windsor did the unthinkable (according to scooped mainstream reporters complaining afterward) and brought recording equipment to a public Supreme Court function to capture the unfiltered words of Justice Samuel Alito and his wife Martha-Ann, the penalty flags were flying. Following the Alitos’ very public shaming over the fact that they flew two separate flags outside their various homes in support of the January 6 insurrection against democracy, one might think they’d be lying low when it comes to controversial statements. Unfortunately for the conservative SCOTUS justice and his spouse, the couple regarded the supposedly cozy confines of the Supreme Court Historical Society annual dinner as a safe space and saw the loose-lipped duo let their guard down.
Alito himself was caught on tape criticizing journalists for reporting on the mounting influence-peddling scandal involving colleague Clarence Thomas and the millions of dollars in gifts he received from wealthy donors with business before the Court. The staunchly conservative Alito also overtly stated that there are “two sides” religiously and ideologically in America and that only one side “is going to win.” Martha-Ann, meanwhile, doubled down on her flag-flying fetish, telling the undercover Windsor that she’s planning to festoon the family home with provocative political symbols as soon as her Supreme Court Justice husband’s “nonsense” is finished, is crafting her own banner to counter her neighbors’ Pride flag, and has some plans involving ominous-sounding German-style vengeance for those she feels have wronged her. As The Daily Show‘s Jordan Klepper exclaimed, “Holy sh*t! This lady loves flags. I mean ,when Alito retires, that place is gonna look like a Spanish galleon.”
[On Windsor’s surreptitious recording, where she pretended to be a conservative Alito fan] “Now I know that seems shady, but it’s a legitimate interview technique taught at the Borat School of Journalism.”
stephen colbert
“The Borat School of Journalism is also where Alito learned to blame everything on [Borat impression] ‘Mah wife!'”
stephen colbert
“Liking flags this much is, ironically, the ultimate red flag.”
jordan klepper
“You’re a Supreme Court justice. You’re not supposed to be thinking what side someone is on, you’re supposed to decide cases. Impartial. That’s why Lady Justice has a blindfold and a scale, not 3-D glasses and a popcorn bucket.”
stephen colbert
“So Martha-Ann got so mad after seeing a Pride flag that she’s planning to put up a whole bunch of Jesus flags to combat it. Because everyone knows that Jesus is the ultimate symbol of ‘F*ck your love.'”
jordan klepper
[After Mrs. Alito, citing her German heritage, noted, “You come after me, I’m gonna give it back to you.”] “Well that clears it up. She’s not a fascist, she’s just hellbent on revenge… the German way.”
stephen colbert
[In response to Mrs. Alito’s recorded remark that her flag-flying is the only thing that “satisfies” her] “First off, what a burn on Justice Alito. Your wife is going around telling strangers that she has to think up new flags to satisfy herself. ‘I gotta think up new flags, because it’s not like there’s anybody else taking care of my needs. Somebody’s gotta Plessy my Ferguson, c’mon.'”
jordan klepper
“‘Satisfy yourself,’ really? I’m not gonna kink-shame but why is her anger always channeled through flags? I’d love to see her get cut off in traffic. ‘Oooh, have I got a flag in my head for you, Subaru Outback. Just two weeks from now [mimes sewing], just you wait. Oh, you are gonna get it. Siri navigate to Joann Fabrics.'”
stephen colbert
[After Mrs. Alito bragged of her plan to create a flag reading “vergogna,” the Italian word for ‘shame” to counter her neighbors’ Pride flag] “Look Mrs. Alito, I know you want to express your Pride Month by hoisting a Vergogna up the flagpole. Unfortunately, Vergogna is already the name of a very successful drag queen.”
stephen colbert
Now Nobody’s Going to Vote for Hunter Biden
After a quick trial where no one involved attacked the families of court officers, called the American legal system a sham, or incited supporters to harass those involved in the prosecution, President Joe Biden’s son Hunter was convicted today of three felony drug charges at his trial in Delaware. Also unlike another high-profile felony case we could mention, nobody has promised to pardon the lawfully convicted Biden, and members of the Biden family have actually turned up in the courtroom to offer their love and support for the troubled Hunter, whose convictions stem from violating gun laws intended to keep firearms away from drug users.
Of course, the stark juxtaposition between the way right-wing media like Fox News has covered the recent felony trials of two White House-connected defendants has been pretty illuminating. For one thing, it appears that conservatives championing Hunter Biden’s conviction now suddenly think that gun laws are a great thing. For another, there’s been a collective case of whiplash going around right-wing circles as they immediately shift from accusing the Biden administration of rigging the justice system to convict GOP candidate Donald Trump for the 34 felonies he was unanimously convicted of and having to report on how the President has done literally nothing to interfere with the felony conviction of his own son. Late-night hosts have been largely immune to this moral and cognitive conundrum, with Stephen Colbert deadpanning, “Now, it’s no secret how I feel about Trump’s conviction. So, ethically and morally, I have to be consistent. In light of this verdict, I don’t believe Hunter Biden should be President.”
“The trial of Hunter Biden ended badly for Hunter. He was found guilty on all three counts. His father did a terrible job of rigging this.”
jimmy kimmel
“Wow. Frankly I’m shocked we’re actually enforcing gun laws in America. Halle-f**king-lujah.”
jordan klepper
“Now that is truy shocking news. Evidently in America there is a wrong way to buy a gun.”
stephen colbert
“Hunter Biden was found guilty today on all counts in his federal gun trial and now faces up to 25 years on Hannity.”
seth meyers
“What has been wild is watching how eager Republicans have been to hold a gun owner accountable. Of course, it’s only because he’s Joe Biden’s son, but that’s an opportunity. All we need is for Joe Biden to adopt every single person in America and we can finally have some responsible gun control in this country.”
jordan klepper
“Trump heard and was like, “I’ve always said our legal system is fair and just.”
jimmy fallon
“Hunter was convicted on three felony gun charges, which means he’s now only 31 charges away from being the Republican nominee for President.”
jimmy kimmel
[After the Trump campaign quickly edited a statement to remove language supportive of Hunter Biden’s recovery] “‘Sorry folks, that one’s on me. I mistakenly used an old statement and just did a find-and-replace for the name Jeffery Epstein.'”
stephen colbert
[On reports that Dr. Jill Biden’s flights to support son Hunter cost taxpayers hundreds of thousands of dollars] “Say what you will about Trump, but he never spent a dime of taxpayer money to be with his kids.”
seth meyers
People Are About to Find Out Golf Is Boring
The fallout from former President and 34-times convicted felon Donald Trump’s recently concluded trial keep on coming, as the New Jersey Attorney General is examining Trump’s eligibility to hold a liquor license in the state. New Jersey law states that convicted felons are unable to hold liquor licenses if they are “convicted of a crime involving moral turpitude.” It also defines eligibility being revoked if the convicted felon commits crimes that “contain elements of dishonesty, fraud or depravity.” Hey, Stephen Colbert realized, Donald Trump owns three New Jersey golf clubs that serve booze.
“That’s right, no liquor at Trump’s golf courses. In a related story, Rudy Giuliani has announced he’s voting for Joe Biden.”
stephen colbert
“Of course this is New Jersey, so by ‘reputable,’ they mean, if your gonna do Fireball shots out of a strippers butt crack, use a coaster. I want to make a joke about ‘salting the rim,’ but I won’t.”
stephen colbert
Old If You Do, Old If You Don’t
President Biden held the annual Juneteenth celebration at the White House on Monday, honoring the holiday celebrating the official end of slavery in the United States. Naturally, such a significant occasion was marked by stirring speeches, joyous performances from the likes of Gladys Knight and Patti LaBelle, and a single shot of the 81-year-old Biden not being especially great at dancing, with news outlets focusing on the President smilingly standing in place during a song. Guess which element most people have focused on?
[On the Juneteenth celebration being held eight days before the actual June 19 holiday] “C’mon, it’s an 81-year-old man. Of course he’s going for the early bird special.”
stephen colbert
“It’s like everyone else was in a video and he was in a photo.”
jimmy fallon
“It looked like the edible just kicked in really hard.”
jimmy kimmel
“Looks like someone swapped his Flomax with an edible.”
jimmy fallon
“Here’s the thing about Fox News, when Biden behaves like a mummy, it’s because he’s too old and feeble. But when he’s sharp, it’s because he’s on drugs. [Clip of Sean Hannity predicting Biden will be juiced up for the upcoming debates] Right, and Trump will have his usual pre-debate meal of chicken fried in Adderall.”
jimmy kimmel
Potpourri
[After New York Governor Kathy Hochul flip-flopped on implementing congestion pricing to reduce NYC’s worst-in-America gridlock] “Look, it’s true, congestion pricing won’t be popular with everyone. And it might cost you some votes in the suburbs. But from time to time, leaders are called upon to envision a better future. Be bold in the implementation and execution. And be undaunted by the opposition. That’s how you secure progress. Wait a second, I heard that somewhere before. [Plays clip of Hochul using those exact words in December of 2023] Sh*t! Kathy Hochul has an evil twin who is good at governing, who knew?”
jordan klepper
“A woman in Long Island has filed a lawsuit against Cold Stone Creamery that complains their pistachio ice cream did not contain enough nuts. Well, I’m guessing her next order will.”
seth meyers
[On Trump being shocked that Tayor Swift doesn’t support him] “He seems kinda surprised that someone can be beautiful and not like him. Has he never met his wife?”
stephen colbert
“A 97-year-old woman in Utah recently received her high school diploma. Wow, 97. Man, she must be dumb.”
seth meyers
[On Rudy Giuliani submitting himself for processing on Arizona charges he plotted Trump’s fake electors scam] “Honestly, I think we’re all trying to process Rudy Giuliani.”
jimmy fallon
[On Giuliani’s mug shot] “Is he looking art our cleavage? That picture looks like the last thing a Hooters waitress sees before she gets a five percent tip.”
seth meyers
[On Trump’s widely mocked Nevada rally digression] “And if there’s anything that voters in the middle of the desert in Las Vegas are worried about, it’s electric boats and shark attacks.”
jimmy kimmel
“According to a new survey, the best amusement park in the country is Dollywood, finally beating out the attractions over at Jolene-land.”
seth meyers
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