Liberation Day figured prominently in Tuesday night’s late-night monologues. That’s what Donald Trump is calling Wednesday’s planned tariffs against goods from almost every country on earth, including the one where his administration sent a Maryland father they mistook for an illegal immigrant. At least there was one minor league baseball team’s logo to joke about as well. Here’s our round-up.
Stephen Colbert
For Tuesday’s monologue, Stephen Colbert addressed his viewers with a boisterous, “I don’t know about you, but I am feelin’ good about America!” Yeah, it’s April Fool’s Day. He then moved on to Donald Trump’s looming tariffs, set to go into effect in mere hours.
“Yes, ‘liberation day.’ I’m reminded of the immortal words of Patrick Henry, ‘Give me liberty or charge me an extra $10,000 on a Hyundai Elantra.'”
“So, if you have a retirement account—no you don’t.”
“Way to connect with people suffering economic hardship, Republicans. ‘Uh, you know that thing where you not only own a home, but have the money to remodel it? Okay, you seem angry. Let me try another analogy. Let’s say one of your boats needs a paint job…”
on the gop comparing the inevitable economic chaos to home remodeling
“‘Yeah, never heard kind. I’ve heard ‘selfish a-hole,’ I’ve heard ‘demented sack of garbage,’ I’ve heard ‘syphilitic sociopath who never got love from his father.’ And all of those were from Melania.'”
on trump claiming someone had called him “kind”
Colbert had a few words for the Oval Office visit from a spangly-suited Kid Rock.
“He looks like an Uncle Sam who just found a stripper floating in his above-ground pool.”
“He looks like if Henry Hill in The Music Man were a porno star and it ends with a stripper floating in an above-ground pool.”
And a few more for Trump’s announcement that global warming is good, actually.
“All that is bad is now good. War is peace. Hate is love. Higher prices are lower prices. And that thing where you bite the inside of your cheek and you can’t stop biting that exact same spot all day long is now brunch.”
But Colbert saved his most biting jokes for the Trump administration’s anti-immigrant sweep, which saw a legally protected Maryland father sent off to the El Salvadoran prison where suspects have been sent without due process.
“Trump has been flying them to El Salvador to a notorious maximum security prison where prisoners do not receive visits and are never allowed outdoors. And those are the kind of inhuman conditions previously only endured by people who work at Amazon.”
“An administrative error lands you in an inescapable prison where no one ever hears from you again. That’s like something out of that Kafka novel, Damn, That’s the Worst Thing I’ve Ever Heard, and Keep in Mind, I’m Dying of Tuberculosis in an Austrian Sanatorium!“
on the administration admitting that the man was sent there mistakenly—but they have no intention of calling for his release
“This is very bad, but at least they admitted their mistake. I mean who among us hasn’t accidentally popped a black bag over the head of a Maryland father and then rendered him to a hellscape prison in El Salvador?”
Michael Kosta
The Daily Show‘s Kosta split his Tuesday monologue between speculating on Donald Trump’s sense of humor about (once again) violating the Constitution and the administration’s humorless checklist which saw several innocent people kidnapped to a foreign prison without due process.
“The second Trump administration is off to a roaring start. If you don’t count the economy, inflation, rampant corruption, cyber-bullying of allied nations, and we’re all gonna die of measles.”
“Yeah guys, relax. The president of the most powerful nation in the world is just—he’s in his Dennis the Menace phase.”
on conservatives scolding those taking trump’s threat to run for a third term seriously
“The truth is, Donald Trump doesn’t joke so much as he’ jokes.’ The same way guys joke with their wives about having a threesome. ‘Haha, you know that would be so wild. Obviously, we’d never do that. I mean, definitely not with my coworker Cindy that you said was pretty once. And I’m sure she’s open to stuff ‘cause her nose is pierced—that would be so hilarious, right? Or would it be sexy?'”
“Look, I’m not a legal expert. But I’d rather not be sentenced to life in a foreign prison with the same checklist system that Cosmo uses to decide whether I’m good-girl hot or bad-girl hot.”
“It doesn’t even have to be a tattoo. You can get points for wearing a Bulls jersey. So good luck in prison, Hannah Montana—if that’s even your real name.”
on ICE’s checklist which lists chicago bulls fandom as one damning requirement for deportation
“Oopsie-doopise, I did a poopsie. Could it be that the geniuses who added Jeffrey Goldberg to the strike team group chat aren’t great at identifying the correct people?”
on the revelation that an innocent man has been shipped to an el salvadoran prison
“Mister president, I don’t mean to alarm you, but the guy next to you–he’s scoring a lot of points on that checklist right now.”
on Kid rock’s appearance in the oval office on Tuesday
Seth Meyers
Meyers also wished everyone a happy unwise tariffs day, among other topics.
“Ah yes, the day we’ll all become liberated from our 401ks.”
“At a rally in Wisconsin on Sunday for the Republican candidate in the state supreme court race, Elon Musk said it’s important to have children because the birth rate is declining and added ‘kids will make you very happy.’ At least the idea of them will. You know, just knowing you’ve got 14 or 15 of them out there, it wsill really warm your heart.”
“A bible that was given to O.J. Simpson by Robert Kardashian Sr recently sold at action for more than $65,000, even though it’s apparently missing the fifth commandment.”
“So if you love ice cream, and you love being on watchlists…”
on baby food brand Frida offering breast milk ice cream
“A woman recently returned a book to a New Jersey library that was 99 years overdue. Luckily it was New Jersey, so nobody was waiting for it.”
Jimmy Fallon
The Tonight Show host did a quick Tuesday news round-up, from Trump’s tariffs to some fast food.
“Yeah, Trump’s calling tomorrow ‘liberation day’ while every stock broker’s calling it ‘inebriation day.'”
on tariffs targeting essentially all countries going into effect on wednesday
“He said, ‘Nobody pays higher prices on my watch. Unless it’s for a car, TV, medicine, or eggs, that’s it.'”
on trump signing an executive order aimed at price-gouging for concert tickets
“That’s too bad. One of my favorite Easter traditions is hiding Egg Beaters for the kids.”
on a recent recall
“If you’re wondering, that’s why the flags at the White House are flying at half mast.”
on the ceo of pizza hut, taco bell, and kfc stepping down
Taylor Tomlinson
The After Midnight host spotted minor league team’s the Chesapeake Baysox’s quickly abandoned new logo on Tuesday. You know the one. Their alternate name is the Oyster Catchers. Yeah, that one. Taylor Tomlinson promised her audience that she would only make five “tasteless” jokes about the apparently unintentionally suggestive team mascot. (She lied.)
“I mean, take me out to the ball game but buy me dinner first.”
“They’re trying to be moved up to the majora league.”
“This is the first baseball logo with a pH balance.”
“I kept showing this to a guy friend and he didn’t see it. He kept pointing to the bottom of the oyster and being like, ‘Is the ball down there?'”
“Forget the A’s, this is a team logo that says, ‘Do the whole alphabet.'”
“Once a month, they wear red jerseys.”
“This logo is the perfect reminder that, just like baseball, it’s okay to take a really long time to finish.”
“If the team wanted it to last longer, they should have just thought about baseball.”
on the oyster catchers quickly scuttling the logo
“When the team’s chief marketing officer Ellen Walsh pulled the logo, she said, ‘None of saw what the internet saw.’ Which is a weird way of saying, ‘I don’t own a hand mirror.'”
