
Missed Tuesday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.
Misinformation Station, Formerly Known as Twitter
When Donald Trump stated in perfectly translated Hitler-era German, “Immigrants are poisoning the blood of our country,” maybe he was talking about South African born oligarch Elon Musk. Oh wait, Musk is white, and thus exempt from Trump’s beyond-bigoted pitch to the dregs of the American electorate.
Still, world’s richest national security crisis Musk recently tossed his exposed belly into the ring in support of fellow rich racist Donald Trump. Perhaps he was drawn to Trump’s promise of complete, dictator’s pal immunity for all crimes past, present, and future, or maybe Musk saw a kinship in the fact that Donald Trump is also an accused serial adulterer whose children and exes alternately despise and fear him. More likely however, it’s the plutocratic duo’s shared and obvious loathing for a system of checks and balances that makes it slightly harder for wealthy, entitled a-holes to plunder consequence-free, like the best buddies of their best buddy Vladimir Putin get to do.
Regardless, Musk is all-in on Donald Trump. With his dark money super PAC flooding Trump with cash, Musk is doing personal appearances where he flouts those puny election laws by literally handing out oversized checks to people willing to sign onto Musk’s pro-Trump crusade, and he’s using the social media platform he purchased to swamp the national discourse with blatant lies and misinformation. In return, Trump, in addition to pledging to re-up that massive tax break for the ruling class, has promised to appoint Musk to some sort of nebulous government post intended to combat government waste. Presumably meaning any agency that oversees aristocratic criminals attempting to use America’s broken campaign finance system to literally purchase Donald Trump a second term while the Department of Justice under do-literally-nothing Merrick Garland continues to adopt their signature “wait and see until we’re sent to a gulag” strategy.
The Daily Show‘s Michael Kosta led the late-night, anti-Musk charge, musing, “He’s so rich he bought Twitter just to drive it into the ground for his own personal pleasure. And now he’s thinking, ‘What if I did the same with America?'”
“In the home stretch of the 2024 campaign, Donald Trump has gained a critical new supporter, Elon Musk. A man of gravitas, a man of dignity, a man with roughly a four-inch vertical leap, and president of the funny tummy club.”
michael kosta
“But of course billionaires in politics isn’t anything new. Democrats have George Soros and Mark Cuban. Republicans have Steve Wynn, Dan Snyder, and I think the Monopoly man?”
michael kosta
“Wow, Elon’s giving a million dollars to his fans. Now they can afford the best anime girlfriend pillow money can buy.”
michael kosta
“During his first solo campaign event in support of former President Trump last week, Elon Musk urged the crowd to pester their friends and family who are not yet registered to vote. Adding, ‘I would if I had either of those.'”
seth meyers
[On the inaugural
michael kostabribelottery winner fleeing from Musk’s side with his million bucks like the room is on fire] “So that’s how uncharismatic Elon Musk is. He can hand someone a million dollars and they’re just like, ‘Sooo, can I just go now, because…’ I’ve seen people more excited to win a dishwasher on The Price Is Right.”
“And fun fact, he wanted to call his PAC @America on Twitter but somebody else already had that handle. So he just took it from them. He literally stole America.”
michael kosta
“He couldn’t have given them a cooler handle than that? Give ‘em @HenryKissinger, he’s not using that any more.”
michael kosta
[On a study chronicling just how much Musk-boosted bullsh*t Twitter users are subjected to in the waning days of the election] “Holy sh*t, 3.3 billion views for conspiracies and misinformation? And yes, a billion or two of those views come from sex bots who only tweet things like ‘Click here to see crypto in my pu**y,’ but that’s still a huge amount of propaganda.”
michael kosta
“The Brazilian supreme court has lifted its ban on X after the social media platform blocked accounts accused of spreading misinformation. And now the only user left is a bot that posts a picture of a puppy every hour.”
seth meyers
“55 percent of the posts had misinformation, so he’s wrong half the time. Well thank God he only controls Twitter and not some sort of rocket company.”
michael kosta
“If you’re on Twitter like me, you know that he doesn’t just tweet the stuff out to your followers. He puts it in your feed whether you follow him or not. It’s gotten so bad that the other day I almost closed Twitter and talked to my family. Can you imagine?”
michael kosta
[On Musk planning to cut multiple government agencies because he’s never heard of them before] “Yeah that tracks. I mean if you’ve never heard of something, you don’t need it, right? I mean seriously, the parietal lobe? I’ve never heard of it. Don’t need it.”
michael kosta
Itching to Scratch Trump From History
Some nine million people have already voted with two weeks to go until Election Day. Now, there could be a lot of reasons for this record-breaking groundswell of Americans exercising their constitutional rights before the big, terrifying day. Maybe voters have seen Republicans unilaterally trying to make it harder for people to vote early, thus disenfranchising millions, and thought, “Screw those jerks.” Or maybe voters have watched Republicans (again, unilaterally and shamelessly) attempt to screw with vote tallying and certification laws in their states and similarly thought, “Yeah, screw those jerks.”
Or—and this is mere speculation—when confronted with the mere thought of Donald Trump with all his anti-democratic, anti-woman, anti-LGBTQ+, anti-immigrant, pro-fascism, rich-coddling, insurrection-throwing bullcrap, people thought, “Yeah, I need to get this jackass on a bus out of town, but quick.” Who’s to say. Regardless, early voting in pivotal swing states has gone to Kamala Harris by a 2-1 margin by polling estimates, while Trump is doubling down on his most demented bigotry when not cancelling campaign events at the last minute, and Harris is whisking around the country with a record-breaking billion dollar war chest.
Which sounds nice if you’re a fan of America not turning into a kleptocratic, fundamentalist hellscape and all. But as the saying goes, all gas, no brakes. Well, some brakes—don’t run anyone over in your rush to kick Donald Trump to the curb. Make a plan, people.
[On the fact that women vote early more than men by a huge margin] “Of course men plan to vote at 6:45 on Election Night and show up with a gift that they obviously bought at the gas station. ‘But babe, I thought you loved windshield wiper fluid. It’s blue, isn’t this the stuff you guys pour on your pads?'”
stephen colbert
“According to the latest numbers, nearly nine million people have already cast their ballot in the election through early voting. That story again: nearly nine million people are asking the candidates to please stop texting them.”
seth meyers
“According to a new poll, over 70 percent of Americans are stressed about the election. Americans were like, ‘You know what isn’t helping? Calling all day and asking if I’m stressed about the election.'”
jimmy fallon
“After tonight, there’s only one Taco Tuesday left until Election Day. And please savor it because I’m pretty sure if Trump wins, Project 2025 outlaws tacos. All you’ll be able to eat is a spiced meat foldy sandwich.”
stephen colbert
“That’s right, Election Day is almost here and there are two possible outcomes. Trump wins and Harris concedes. Or Harris wins and Trump claims that people in Ohio ate the votes.”
jimmy fallon
[On the story of an octogenarian voting for the first time who never voted because her now-dead husband told her she shouldn’t] “Wow. Sad. But also other feelings.”
stephen colbert
“Over on the Republican side, Trump is raising less money that he did did during his run in 2020, mainly because his contributions from small-dollar donors have plummeted. Well of course they have. They’ve got no money left. They already spent it all on sneakers, Bibles, watches, silver coins, NFTs, Trump’s new book, Melania’s new book, and Eric’s new ‘zine, a printout of his face smushed on the copier.”
stephen colbert
Disgracing for the Finish Line
As The Onion put it this week with signature comic economy, “Both Campaigns Release Ads Showing Trump’s Most Racist Comments.” That about sums up the contrasting messages in the last stage of this year’s presidential race, with one candidate pitching a final push for voters in the dogwhistle frequency of fear, hate, and division, and the other being Kamala Harris.
With less than two weeks left to make their choice, voters are seeing each candidate roll out what they imagine will be their most effective rallies, speeches, and endorsements. And if millions upon millions of people have already jumped the gun by literally sprinting to their polling places to make sure their voices are heard in advance of the national referendum on whether we get to be a democracy any more, there are still campaign funds to be spent.
“Former President Trump spoke last week at the Al Smith Memorial Foundation dinner in new York and sat next to Cardinal Timothy Dolan. I’m not sure what they talked about, but afterwards Dolan moved Trump to another parish.”
seth meyers
[Trump’s pitch at an evangelical conference this week] “Thank you reverends and pastors and popettes. I want to begin by reading you my favorite passage from the Donald Trump-Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA Bible. Ahem. ‘Made in China.'”
stephen colbert
“After a voter at a town hall event last week asked former President Trump if he truly believed immigrants are eating pets, Trump said, ‘They’re eating other things too they’re not supposed to be.’ Then again, he just means vegetables.”
seth meyers
“Today Trump abruptly cancelled a virtual town hall called Make America Healthy Again. Tough to make Make America Healthy Again when you were just making them french fries a day ago.”
jimmy fallon
“To make up for the cancellation, Trump had his doctor write a note that said, ‘America is in perfect shape and weighs 215 pounds.'”
jimmy fallon
[After a clip of Trump’s, um, animated expression after asking voters to imagine him winning] “Usually after you see him make that face he cuts you a check for 130 thousand dollars.”
stephen colbert
“Tonight in Detroit at a Harris campaign event, Eminem introduced former President Obama. Eminem and Obama. And between them they average out to talking at a normal speed.”
jimmy fallon
[On Socialist Workers Party presidential candidate Rachelle Fruit] “Come on Rachelle, this is America, no one named Fruit stands a chance. You’re gonna get curb-stomped by third-party candidate Alan Chicken-Parm.
stephen colbert
Leftovers
The sight of Donald Trump cosplaying as a poor person in that McDonald’s apron while fake working in a closed-down restaurant phot-op has really stuck with late-night hosts for some reason.
“After former President Trump’s campaign event at McDonald’s, the company said it is not a political brand and isn’t endorsing a presidential candidate. McDonald’s was like, ‘And while we’re distancing ourselves from stuff, I think Grimace is done with the Mets.'”
jimmy fallon
“Former President Trump worked at a McDonald’s this weekend in Pennsylvania, where he claimed Kamala Harris has allowed hundreds of thousands of Hamburglars to enter this country from Mexico.”
seth meyers
“Yup, McDonald’s won’t endorse Trump but they are willing to keep track of all his lawsuits.” [Photo of McDonald’s 99 Billion Served sign]
jimmy fallon
Rudy Poorliani
Hey remember when former New York City Mayor, former Trump lawyer, former lawyer, and onetime Borat 2 co-star Rudy Giuliani got slapped with a $148 million judgement for lying that two dedicated Georgia election workers were conspiring to fix the 2020 election? And how Rudy kept jetting around the country to his various disbarment hearings as if the rules about paying the piper didn’t apply to rich white Republicans? Well there’s at least some justice in this world, as a judge has now ordered Giuliani to hand over literally everything he owns to Ruby Freeman and Shaye Moss, the two Black woman he subjected to years of harassment and death threats from Trump’s MAGA minions with his lies. His lavish apartment, luxury car, even his TV, and presumably the contents of his cavernous liquor cabinet are all now officially the property of Freeman and Shaye, along with whatever loose change the disgraced, hair dye-leaking Trump crony still had in his pockets.
Meanwhile, the person Giuliani went down for so hard is still running for president. Sort of suggest a lesson for anyone thinking of sticking by Donald Trump, not that any of his cultists would ever question their Glorious Leader, but still—lesson’s just sitting there.
“Oh poor Rudy. Poor, poor Rudy. And I’m not expressing empathy by the way, I’m saying Rudy is literally poor now.”
michael kosta
“He’s got to give them his apartment, his car, his furniture, even his TV. Do you know how badly you have to lose a court case that 9/11 is the second worst thing that’s ever happened to you?”
michael kosta
“It really makes you realize how random justice is in this country. This man lost his entire fortune for trying to steal the election while the man he was trying to steal the election for has faced no repercussions at all. It’s like when I get yelled at for going to the strip club even though there were 45 men also at the strip club. Why doesn’t my wife yell at them?”
michael kosta
Potpourri
“Coca Cola has issued a recall for 13,000 cases of Minute Maid lemonade because they’re mislabeled. Specifically, ‘contains lemons.'”
seth meyers
“Peloton is partnering with Costco to sell their bike as they look to reach new customers. Costco’s got food, furniture, and exercise bikes. I mean they’re pretty much a USA Today away from being a Marriott.”
jimmy fallon
“Disneyland has implemented price hikes on tickets during peak times, such as when they’re open.”
seth meyers
[On Pizza Hut unveiling a phone booth-sized kiosk for single diners in Queens] “New Yorkers were like, ‘To us that’s a four bedroom apartment.'”
jimmy fallon
“After it was revealed that the upcoming season of Emily in Paris will be set in Rome, French President Macron said in a new interview that he will fight hard to bring the show back to France and added, ‘Emily in Paris in Rome doesn’t make any sense.’ Uhh, neither does Emily still being in love with emotionally distant Gabriel when Marcello in Rome is ready to commit, dude.”
seth meyers
[Going in on onetime Trump critic turned Trump sycophant Senator Lindsay Graham (R-SC) with a series of “Graham Slaham” graphics] “What’s the difference between Lindsey Graham and a book? Books have spines.”
stephen colbert
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be so mean to you, Senator. If I keep bullying you like this, you’ll endorse me for president.”
stephen colbert
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