Missed Tuesday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.
South Korea: Or How I Learned to Stop Creeping Authoritarianism By Supper Time
Not to play favorites or anything, but America—you could really learn something about smacking down an obviously demented would-be authoritarian from your allies. In this case, the favored sibling in question is South Korea, where President Yoon Suk Yeol on Tuesday suddenly declared a state of martial law in the democratic nation, only for the outraged populace to essentially grind the country to a halt until parliament voted to tell him to knock that sh*t off. All by end of business on Wednesday.
For Yoon’s part, the whole martial law thing stemmed from his desire to purge all “anti-government sentiment,” ban protests, stifle all opposition, and attack what he determined to be “fake news” (see next entry). Now America, nobody’s saying “Why can’t you be more like your sister state?” here, but—why can’t you? I mean, there’s an incoming lunatic head of state openly threatening to jail his critics, ban political protest, destroy non-profits organizing against his awful policies, and staff his administration with nothing but sycophantic enablers and henchmen as xenophobic and bigoted as he is. There are parallels, is what we’re saying.
(Oh, and note to the loyalists cheering Trump’s plan to destroy the Department of Education under the leadership of a pro ‘rassling CEO under investigation for sex trafficking: It is in fact spalled “martial law,” and not “Marshall law.”)
[On Yoon’s unilateral martial law decree] “Okay South Korea, stop giving Trump ideas. He didn’t know you could do that.”
ronny chieng
“Good old Asian efficiency. The president went nuts, declared martial law, the assembly overruled him, martial law over, and they did it all on their lunch break, all right. Everybody, get back to doing K-Pop, chop-chop!”
ronny chieng
Pardon This
The fallout from President Biden’s decision to issue a sweeping pardon to his son Hunter continues to litter the political landscape. Democrats are critical of Biden for going back on his word and thus undermining the party’s commitment to the rule of law. While Republicans feign outrage with the straight faces of people backing a guy who pardoned his in-law for hiring a prostitute to frame a relative and multiple pals who helped him try to overthrow democracy.
“The pardon is upsetting a lot of people. Experts say this could really hurt Biden’s reelection bid in 2028.”
jimmy fallon
[On Democrats critical of Biden’s pardon] “I’m guessing his family’s not thrilled with it, either. It’s gonna be hard for Jill to match that Christmas gift. ‘Oh what’s this, memory foam slippers, thank you. Thanks mom—by any chance to these give me a decade of immunity from federal prosecution? No? Okay, is there a gift receipt?'”
stephen colbert
“Today Trump was like, ‘Word of advice, have 50 scandals at once so people can’t focus on just one.'”
jimmy fallon
[On Democrats decrying how the pardon undermines justice] “Okay, not too sure how much interest Americans have in the idea of justice right now. After all, we had an election and we did just reelect a guy whose slogan was, ‘Trump 2024: Like My Crime? Then Hit Me Baby One More Time.'”
stephen colbert
Only the Worst People
So many Donald Trump-isms have entered the cliché chat by this point. It turns out Trump can shoot someone on Fifth Avenue and not lose a single vote. (The “someone” in this case being American democracy.) “Fake news” has eaten itself, with Trump’s go-to refrain whenever journalists uncover something especially shady/terrible about him (it’s not hard, honestly) transforming before the eyes of an appalled populace into an accurate description of a corporate media sphere where billionaire owners of once-respected news outlets soft-pedal critical coverage of a fellow oligarchy crony for circulation and country club self-interest. (Hi, New York Times, Washington Post, and Los Angeles Times—you’re increasingly terrible at a vital job.)
But nothing has become more of a sick joke than Trump’s long-ago boast that he “only hires the best people.” You know, since literally 90 percent of his first administration’s officials have either turned on him as a clear and present danger to democracy, have called him everything from “idiot” to “moron,” or have been flushed into the legal system for being too corrupt even for a Trump administration.
Naturally, Trump voters wowed by the babbling bigotry and misogyny of a nakedly self-serving would-be dictator with the vocabulary of a fifth-grade bully in remedial detention wave all this away with the desperate denial of the all-in cultist. “Nothing is ever Glorious Leader’s fault” is belief number one in every cult, so the recent departure of under-investigation underage sex predator Matt Gaetz as Trump’s intended FBI chief segued seamlessly in the cult’s hive-mind to Trump’s newest pick, a laughably unqualified QAnon loon who writes kids book fan fiction where he licks the boots of King Donald. And now Trump’s pick for Defense Secretary, Pete Hegseth—a Fox News host with a penchant for sexual assault (of course) and workplace impropriety (sexual, alcoholic, and financial)—is getting the same hasty coat of cult-wide mental whitewash as more and more disqualifying details leak out.
“Donald Trump has spent the last two weeks filling out his cabinet. And now that Matt Gaetz has dropped out to try to find the high school from Euphoria, there’s a new nominee for shadiest nominee. Pete Hegseth, Trump’s nominee for Secretary of Defense and guy with resting divorce face.”
ronny chieng
[On reports of Hegseth’s behavior while heading a veterans non-profit] “Okay, that’s a lot for one person. Alcohol, sex, and financial misconduct? I mean it’s called delegating, bud, try it some time.”
ronny chieng
[On reports of Hegseth trying to climb drunkenly onstage at a Louisiana strip club during a work outing] “Wow. Do you know how hard it is to be the saddest thing at a strip club? A half-naked pregnant woman dancing to pay her medical bills was looking at him like, ‘Damn, this guy needs to get some help.'”
ronny chieng
“I don’t know what’s worse, that he reportedly divided his staff into ‘party girls’ and ‘not party girls’ or that he couldn’t think of a word for ‘not party.’ He’s a bit of a caveman, isn’t he? ‘When the sun in sky, day. When sun go away, not day. Time for party girls.'”
ronny chieng
“When he joined this veterans charity, did he think he was the veteran it was going to? ‘Guys, it would really help my mental health to go to this strip club, okay? I have PTSD: Party Time S**k My D**k!'”
ronny chieng
[On the scathing email from Hegseth’s own mother condemning his treatment of women] “Okay, I’m putting mom down as not a party girl.”
ronny chieng
Welcome Back Hunchback
Notre Dame cathedral is reopening this weekend, five years after a devastating fire engulfed the 12th-century religious landmark. Naturally, France is pulling out all the stops to celebrate the completely refurbished and restored Notre-Dame de Paris. Oh, and Donald Trump will be there, since France isn’t one of the dozens of countries than ban convicted felons from taking in the tourist hotspots.
“It’s expected to be a nice, very pleasant trip for the president-elect to enjoy Paris before he takes office. And of course for his wife Melania to enjoy wherever she will be this weekend.”
jimmy kimmel
“Trump’s gonna take one step inside the church and it’s gonna burst right back into flames.”
jimmy fallon
“McDonald Trump is heading to France this weekend to witness the reopening of the Notre Dame cathedral. And if all goes according to plan, he would like to buy it and turn it into a casino.”
jimmy kimmel
“The opening ceremonies are this Sunday, and the restored cathedral will be celebrated with massive pyrotechnics, a fire-eater, and an exhibit of Europe’s most oily rags.”
stephen colbert
“The French are so happy, they celebrated the only way they know how—a three-way.”
stephen colbert
[On French President Macron’s tweet urging he and Trump to work together “with your convictions and mine”] “That’s right, between the two of them, they’ve got 34 convictions.”
jimmy kimmel
O Canada, Show Some Backbone
Donald Trump’s world economy-destroying threat to impose massive tariffs on goods from essential US trading partners like Canada, Mexico, and China have sent leaders in those countries scrambling to shore up their financial systems before a sundowning lunatic’s whims throw everything into chaos. One such leader was Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, who made an unannounced visit to Trump’s tacky golf resort in an attempt to head off Trump’s typically knee-jerk plan to Make America a Global Laughingstock Again.
Naturally, Trump saw any sign of capitulation as weakness, responding to Trudeau’s wary concessions to, as Stephen Colbert put it, “something, something border,” as he joked/not joked that Canada should just pack it in and become America’s 51st state. As Colbert doubled down on Trudeau’s fool’s errand to try to talk to Donald Trump like he’s a functional human being, “He was there to kiss the ring. Or as they say in Canada, toque the poutine.”
[After a long listing of the essential imported goods Americans will soon be paying through the nose for thanks to Trump] “And we make tons of stuff in the USA. Did you know that we’re the world’s largest producer of Real Housewives?”
stephen colbert
[On Trump’s Mexico tariffs boosting prices on the massive number of vegetables the US imports] “And without any of those, how will Americans get their recommended daily amount of things that go bad in the fridge.”
stephen colbert
[On Trump’s proposed Mexican tariffs affecting the price of beer and pickup trucks] “No beer or pickup trucks? Trump better not put a tariff on a pair of blue jeans that fit just right or we’re gonna run out of country songs.”
stephen colbert
Potpourri
“Frontier Airlines today announced that they’re introducing first class-style seats. First class-style is still not first class. It’s like hearing that Velveeta now has 100 percent real cheese products.”
jimmy fallon
[On the recently unveiled White House holiday decorations] “The official theme is ‘a season of peace and light.’ Which is much more hopeful than all the other Democrats’ theme: ‘Drink three old fashioneds and openly weep in front of Charlie Brown.'”
stephen colbert
“The CDC today said that the McDonald’s E. Coli outbreak is over. Yup, E. Coli is gone. Apparently whatever’s in the McRib killed it.”
jimmy fallon
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