It was the side-stories surrounding the ongoing havoc wrought by the second Trump administration that dominated Tuesday’s monologues. What’s that thing on Trump’s hand? Will softly accented French save NATO? Are the three million federal workers besieged by an unelected foreign billionaire’s threatening emails fired, not-fired, or only semi-fired? For the answers (or at least jokes), here’s our nightly rundown.
Desi Lydic
The war in Ukraine was the nominal subject of the Daily Show host’s Tuesday monologue. Or at least the alarming fact that Donald Trump seems to be confused about who started the thing. (BTW, Lydic is the scheduled Tuesday-Thursday host this week and not, as last night’s viewers might have suspected an emergency hand-replacement for Jon Stewart.)
“Donald Trump promised that he could secure a peace deal within one day of taking office. Which means he is now negative 34 days ahead of schedule.”
“This is how off the rails Trump is. His beloved Fox News is saying, ‘Mister President, you sound crazy—and I believe DEI causes tornadoes.'”
After a clip of Brian Kilmeade gingerly trying to remind Trump that Russia invaded ukraine
And while Lydic did spend some time mocking/being outraged at an American president openly parroting Russian propaganda that Ukraine started a war that Russia started, the host quickly zeroed in on one undeniably odd—and possibly exploitable—weakness in the Trump-Russia axis of Europe-threatening evil.
Noting that Trump’s traditional belligerence in the face of even mild correction melted in the face of French President Emmanuel Macron’s croissant au beurre truth-telling voice, Lydic suggested that world democracy might be saved if only everyone started standing up to Trump while sounding like a certain cancelled cartoon character.
“Yeah, Donald Trump just loves a French accent. Probably because it’s the native tongue of his hero, Pepé Le Pew. Something about that pervert skunk that Trump finds so relatable.”
on trump interrupting macron’s corrections only to comment on how pretty his accent is
“Look at that smile, the guy is smitten. Usually if someone confronts him about being wrong, he takes away their security detail.”
“I think a sexy accent is his kryptonite. I assumed it was vegetables, but…”
Of course, the further an accent gets from white European, the tougher it is for Trump, as Lydic showed him needing copious help dealing with the Indian reporters at his press conference with Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi.
“I mean, is Trump sure he wants to be president? Because this is the worst job in the world if you don’t understand accents. It’s like working as an escort if you’re still not 100 percent sure which hole it’s supposed to go in.”
“But if you do have to have a translator for accents, why does the translator also have an accent? Maybe the plan was to have a string of translators with slightly less of an accent until they finally got to something Trump could process? Eventually it’ll just be the word ‘Bangladesh’ written across the boobs of a swimsuit model.”
“I can’t believe DOGE is going around looking for inefficiencies, meanwhile Trump has an English-to English translator.”
Stephen Colbert
Picking up on the Trump-Macron meeting, Colbert was less about the accents and more about the way the French President had to gently and publicly refute Trump’s misstatements about Europe’s financial support of Ukraine—with a little stopover to go, “Gahhh! What’s that thing on Trump’s hand?”
“Oh, that has some real ‘gently correcting grandma’ energy. ‘No, ma-ma, remember? Nurse Maria helps you. We found the earrings you were missing inside your nightstand, so let’s take our hand off the fire alarm, okay?'”
on Macron politely but firmly calling trump on his bs
“Eventually they had to clear the room when Trump asserted his dominance by expressing his anal glands.”
on trump’s habit of clenching macron’s hands for an uncomfortably long time
“Media, do better. Try to focus on the global implications of… [retching noise at picture of Trump’s bruise.]”
On the home front, Colbert also took aim at the utter bedlam unleashed by the contradictory messaging from the White House and Elon Musk’s DOGE. Trying to keep it all straight, Colbert explained Musk’s email threatening to fire federal workers who don’t list five things they did at work, government agencies telling workers to ignore said email, and Trump’s unhelpful waffling over said email. Oh, and then Musk sent out a second email.
“‘Semi-fired or you’re fired.’ That’s a boss anyone would want to work for. ‘Kristen, you’re semi-fired. Put half your stuff in a box and get out of here. Then come back after lunch, ‘cause you’re a semi-valued part of this team.'”
on Trump’s noncommittal answer about what the hell is going on
“Forget running the government, these clowns couldn’t get 10 bridesmaids to a paint and sip.”
“That is a unified team? ‘Okay boys, listen up. Bring it in. Remember what we practiced, we drilled on this. Get out there and do… literally the first insane thing that comes in your mind, okay? No bad ideas. Hank, you try and sit on the ball and hatch it like an egg. Timmy, you knit me a scarf out of your own hair. The rest of you, I don’t know, I don’t care. Maybe lay on the grass and act like you’re swimmin’ in it.'”
on white house press secretary karoline leavitt saying this is all normal
“That answer—somewhat stupid.”
on trump now clarifying that workers who don’t respond to the sedond email are “somewhat fired”
Jimmy Kimmel
Kimmel, too, was left baffled by all this Trump and Musk-caused governmental chaos. Oh wait, he was pretty on-point, blaming the duo and their “flying monkeys” for upending vital government agencies and services. (Good luck with the bird flu nobody’s working to prevent any more, everybody.)
“What if that was his catchphrase on The Apprentice. ‘Meat Loaf, you’re fired—or semi-fired.'”
ON Trump’s non-clarifying clarification
“It’s somewhat voluntary, but if you don’t respond, he guesses you get fired. Thanks for clearing that up. I think it might be time to give the planet to the apes because we’re finished.”
“Who knew you could fire people at a place where you don’t even work. I might try it at Chipotle sometime, just to see what happens.”
on elon musk’s complete lack of actual governmental authority
“You know how Smokey Bear says only you can prevent forest fires? It’s about to be true.”
on the firing of hundreds of national park employees
On the lighter side, at least some gullible rubes are potentially about to become the subjects of another set of true crime documentaries, as freed-from-prison Fyre Festival founder Billy McFarland has announced Fyre Fest II.
“You know what they say, If at first you strand hundreds of people on an island with no food or water, try, try again.”
“He did four years for wire fraud, for bank fraud, and making false statements to law enforcement. How he’s not part of the Trump administration already, I have no idea.”
Jimmy Fallon
The Tonight Show host did a speed run of topics high and low, from suspicious presidential bruising, to DOGE chaos, to the oncoming disaster that is a proposed sequel to the worst music festival in human history.
“Either that’s a bruise or he was testing different makeups at Sephora.”
on donald trump sporting a large purple bruise on one hand
“It’s not great when you have the same medical symptoms as a banana.”
“It’s confusing. When you walk in the White House and say ‘Who is in charge?,’ everyone shrugs like they’re working at Lids.”
on elon musk sending a second ultimatum email to federal workers—which the white house told workers to ignore
“Now your mom knows how your father feels about Hooters going bankrupt.”
on the end of Joann Fabrics
“Even the people who invested in Hawk Tuah crypto think this is a bad idea.”
on the proposed Fyre Festival II
“A French cheese company set a world record by cooking 4,800 pounds of cheese fondue. The cheese will now be stored for three months and then served on white bread at Fyre Fest II.”
Taylor Tomlinson
Nobody knows how tough it is out there in the dating scene better than Taylor Tomlinson, who highlighted a viral trend in which single women tired of being hit on by married men cover themselves in glitter to ward off unwanted advances.
“This is genius. Married men can’t hook up with a woman covered in glitter unless they want to go home to their wives covered in glitter. It’s the same reason I don’t eat powdered donuts before seeing my nutritionist.”
“To be honest, I don’t think this is gonna stop guys from cheating. No, they’ll just go home all sparkly like, ‘Babe, relax, you know me and the boys do crafts on Fridays.'”
“But ladies, you don’t need glitter. Take it from me, all you have to do to avoid being chased by married guys is turn 30.”
In other “it is rough out there” news, Tomlinson took on South Korea offering a monthly stipend to urge economy-strapped young people to go out and socialize.
“I never thought I’d hear adults say, ‘I’m going to give you this money, but you have to use it to buy drugs. I mean it—do not come home with textbooks again.'”
And don’t get her started on airlines. Especially the surprising fact that perpetual punchline Spirit Airlines is apparently the only major carrier never to have had a fatal crash.
“I actually don’t think this is a compliment to Spirit Airlines. I think it’s a compliment to the people who are brave enough to fly Spirit Airlines. Because that is a survivor. You made it through the fist fights at the check-in desk, the illegal cockfighting ring during boarding, and the Spirit employees roundhouse-kicking anyone with a carryon.”
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