Missed Thursday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.
A Schadenfreude Mystery
At least one late-night comic found himself doing a complicated dance around the top story of the day on Thursday after the CEO of health insurance company UnitedHealthcare was gunned down on the streets of New York by an assassin who appeared to have targeted the executive specifically because of his company’s policies. The fact that the bullet casings found at the scene were found with the words “deny,” “defend,” and “depose” written on them suggest a deeper motive than your run-of-the-mill Second Amendment enthusiast, those terms (or close enough) describing the strategies American for-profit healthcare companies traditionally use to evade payment of people’s medical claims.
It’s a thorny scenario for comedy in a society where hundreds of thousands of Americans each year find themselves going bankrupt thanks to the exorbitant cost of medical care here—and the predatory, often diabolically callus capitalist instincts of the health insurance industry. Naturally, social media jokesters—unbound as they are to any network standards and practices or, indeed, apparent conscience or good taste—leapt on the under-investigation shooting to make “eat the rich” jokes and suggest casting choices for the hundreds of screenplays no doubt being feverishly pitched and written as we speak.
As ever, the truth behind yet another instance of American gun violence will likely be more sad and grimy than the stuff of pithy social satire. When you idolize murderers, you’re setting yourself up for lots of sheepish apologies. But the parallel facts of injustice in American healthcare and a premeditated murder on the streets of a major city were undeniably food for thought—and jokes.
“Now the cops just need to narrow down the list of suspects to anyone in America who hates their health care plan and has access to guns.”
ronny chieng
[On the unknown gunman’s seemingly personalized bullets] “This guy knows there are so many bullet casing on the streets of New York and he wanted to make sure we knew which ones were his.”
ronny chieng
“It looks like it was either a criticism of the health insurance industry or this guy was just trying to solve the Wordle on his bullets.”
ronny chieng
“Honestly I think all bullets should probably say stuff on them I mean, how else are we going to get Americans to read again? You should load up a machine gun with A Tale of Two Cities written in it.”
ronny chieng
MAGA-Blocked
The fact that an incoming presidential administration is openly and brazenly calling for baseless political persecution (and prosecution) of anybody who’s ever hurt the soon-to-be leader’s precious, baby-soft feelings has left those lawmakers still stubbornly holding to the concept of actual criminal justice looking for ways to shore up our teetering democracy. Yes, Donald Trump and his screeching minions (like completely unqualified children’s book attack dog and FBI nominee Kash Patel) are claiming that anybody who’s ever dared speak out against a 34-time convicted felon, legally determined rapist, dictator-compromised stooge, and all-around soulless greed-monster will face the quick wrath of a Justice Department unbound from pesky things like evidence, cause, or, you know, justice.
This leaves President Joe Biden in something of a pickle, as evidenced by his preemptive blanket pardon of his troubled son, Hunter. On the one hand, it’s not a good look when you pardon a relative after spending years loudly proclaiming that your principles would never allow you do such a thing. On the other hand, it’s 100 percent obvious that Trump and his fascist-friendly goons would pursue said relative with a bloodlust for Biden-flesh, regardless of the actual facts of any criminal cases.
That’s why the current President is pondering similar preemptive pardons for those political figures also in the incoming president’s crosshairs, including members of the committee that investigated Trump’s failed coup, the guy who heroically stood up to Trump’s criminal Covid incompetence, and those few Republicans who ditched the GOP quisling train to warn voters about the existential danger Trump posed/poses to democracy.
[On the possibility that some pardon-ees may reject any preemptive pardon] “If you’re going to reject a pardon, just give it to me, okay, I’ll take it. Hand it over. I’ll probably need it if Donald Trump goes after me for political satire, or speaking truth to power, or opening a credit card in my roommate’s name. Any of those things.”
ronny chieng
“President Biden took part in the annual lighting of the White House Christmas tree. Not only did he light the tree, this year he gave it a preemptive pardon.”
jimmy kimmel
Secretary of Defending Yourself
The slow, inexorable demise of yet another of Donald Trump’s laughably unqualified, thoroughly loathsome cabinet picks proceeds, as Defense Secretary nominee and Fox News whiskey sponge Pete Hegseth made his desperate Capitol Hill rounds on Wednesday. Defending himself against charges ranging from on-the-job sloppy drunkenness to a violent rape to being a misogynist cave-dweller who thinks gays, trans people, and women should be banned from the military—oh, and that whole “I would totally send troops to gun down protesters if the president told me to” thing—Hegseth is clearly just delaying the inevitable at this point.
Which is good news for late-night hosts, at least.
[On Hegseth’s drunken Fox holiday party scene, necessitating a visit from HR] “Ooh, human resource interventions are the worst. [Reads statement] ‘Pete, when you drink, it makes me feel like the company is legally liable.'”
stephen colbert
“Something tells me we might be able to get Pete Hegseth Cameo videos for Christmas this year.”
jimmy kimmel
[On Hegseth getting so drunk at a colleague’s wedding that a Fox employee had to usher him into a car so he could make it to his on-air TV gig] “‘This man is clearly too drunk to stand! Quick, get him to a couch and point a camera at him!'”
stephen colbert
[On GOP Senator Rick Scott (R-FL) refusing to say that Hegseth should release his rape accuser from the NDA he made her sign as part of a secret settlement—even though Scott complained that “anonymous accusations” were ruining Hegseth’s chances] “‘Let me be clear, I have no human qualities. My eyes are completely black like a dark wizard. And my soul left my body many, many years ago.'”
jimmy kimmel
[On Hegseth claiming that “tiny kernels” of his past were being blown up to scuttle his nomination] “Coincidentally, taking tiny kernels and blowing them up is exactly how I’ve been watching the drama around Pete Hegseth.” [Pulls out popcorn bucket.]
stephen colbert
Some of These Write Themselves
Stephen Colbert has noticed that a certain fast food chain’s annual celebration has a suggestive name. Let’s watch.
[On Jack in the Box’s “24 Days of Jackmas” proposal—strap in, folks] “I try to keep Jackmas in my heart all year round—and then delete it from my browser history.”
stephen colbert
“You know their slogan: If You’re Gonna Jack, At Least Do It In the Box.”
stephen colbert
“If you want to join the Jackmas festivities, just hop on the Jack App, which is not only the Jack in the Box phone app, but also an insult you hear at Red Sox games.”
stephen colbert
[On Jack in the Box fan club, the Jack Pack] “Remember, in the Jack Pack, no eye contact. And watch your back, because the Jack Pack has a knack for the sack-tap.”
stephen colbert
Defector of Health
So Robert F. Kennedy Jr. is poised to be in charge of all America’s healthcare, disease control, and other agencies that make sure we don’t all die. That’s fun for us, since Kennedy is a straight-up dangerous loony who thinks that vaccines are evil, water fluoridation is evil, chemical additives make you gay, Covid is a racist bioweapon, and chugging feces-tainted raw milk is a-okay also had part of his brain eaten away by a brain parasite. Oh, and he was addicted to heroin for several years and said that it made him smarter.
Oh, and Donald Trump has promised to destroy the Affordable Health Care act. So, um, don’t get sick?
[On Kennedy’s favorite raw milk emporium being shut down because bird flu was found in the milk] “Wow, birds are not easy to milk. The little ones, you just gotta juice ‘em.”
stephen colbert
“According to one infectious disease expert, ‘If you think about how feces drop from cattle, that might contaminate the underside of the animal, which is where you have the udders.’ Also, if you think about how feces drop from cattle, get a new hobby.”
stephen colbert
[On Kennedy’s anti-pasteurization crusade] “Many people forget that for most of human history, the number one cause of death was lunch.”Â
stephen colbert
Department of Keep Elon Away From Me
With unelected right-wing bros Elon Musk and Vivek Ramaswamy proclaiming themselves designated government waste-cutters thanks to Trump appointing them to the new, completely powerless and embarrassingly named DOGE (Department of Government Efficiency), lawmakers are forced to, you know, talk to them.
It’s almost like Trump, exhausted by a ketamine-fueled (allegedly) South African tech zombie refusing to stop jabbering about bitcoin in his ear at the Mar-a-Lago buffet, gave Musk and former rival Ramaswamy a fake title and some busy work to keep them out of his—let’s call it “hair.”
“And then we have Vivek Ramaswamy and Elon Musk, the Lenny and Squiggy of Trump-town.”
jimmy kimmel
[On people leaving Musk’s Nazi-infested, misinformation sewer Twitter for comparatively sane social media site Bluesky] “I don’t know if you’ve noticed but when Elon Musk shows up somewhere, people try to leave. Whether it’s a marriage, a party, a planet, or a social media site.”
taylor tomlinson
[On lawmakers’ meeting with Musk and Ramaswamy] “We don’t know what went on in the meeting. We can assume there were a lot of missed high-fives.”
jimmy kimmel
[On Musk enthusiast Marjorie Taylor Greene (sort of a giveaway there) claiming that Musk is putting lawmakers on “naughty” or “nice” lists] “Nothing to worry about, just a foreign-born billionaire deciding which of our elected officials get to wake up on Christmas morning and which don’t.”
jimmy kimmel
[On the impotence of DOGE] “It’s like when you’re a kid and you visit the cockpit to visit the pilot. You get a set of wings. It doesn’t mean you get to fly the plane.”
jimmy kimmel
Potpourri
“This season, Uber is delivering Christmas trees to customers nationwide. You know your tree came from an Uber driver when there are several bites taken out of it.”Â
jimmy fallon
[On the collapse of France’s government being blamed on an inability to unite the three entrenched ideological wings of parliament] “Meaning, for the first time in history, France is refusing a three-way.”
stephen colbert
[On the British film board warning that Wicked‘s depiction of bigotry against green-skinned Elphaba may be “upsetting and poignant” to some viewers] “So please be warned, you may experience poignance from this film.”
jimmy kimmel
“I would suggest that if you want to watch something with a progressive green-skinned message, maybe check out The Muppet Show. Kermit’s been in an inter-species relationship for 50 years now and it’s going strong.”
jimmy kimmel
[On the lure of Bluesky] “A supportive social media site does sort of feel like a trap. ‘Cause no matter where you are, women on social media are constantly harassed. I once had a guy request feet pics from me through my sudoku app.”Â
taylor tomlinson
[On the Pope encouraging priests to keep their sermons short] “Yes padre, you gotta keep it short. It’s like Jesus said in the Sermon on the Mount, ‘Blessed are the peacemakers, for they—oops, that’s my time. Please tip your disciples!'”
stephen colbert
“Today Fox News presented President-elect Trump with the ‘Patriot of the Year’ award. It’s a huge honor, ‘cause out of all the totally made up awards, Patriot of the Year is the biggest.”Â
jimmy fallon
[On those still on-the-loose escaped lab monkeys] “When last we met, 39 of the 43 monkeys had been recaptured and appeared to be healthy. And I’m sure they will remain healthy at the lab, where researchers safely inject them—with health.”Â
stephen colbert
Receive our daily monologue round-ups via email:Â sign up here.
