Late-night hosts had Robert F. Kennedy’s Health and Human Services cuts and controversial remarks on their minds Thursday night. Toss in the possible discovery of life on another planet and there’s plenty of stupid and smart to go around. Here’s our run-down.
Ronny Chieng
This week’s Daily Show host did a round-up of the week in outrages involving members of the Trump Administration. First up, HHS Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr, who this week denigrated the competence of everyone with autism as he set the stage for a dubious “study” looking into the cause of the condition.
“RFK is known for his controversial health ideas, like drinking raw milk and adding roadkill to the food pyramid. But the conspiracy theory that he’s most known for is that vaccines cause autism. He’s basically a health expert the same way that Katy Perry is a rocket scientist.”
“Wait, that’s the big tragedy for you? ‘These poor kids will never know the joy of attaching a Schedule K to a 1040A.'”
on kennedy SAYing people with autism don’t pay taxes
“That’s not even accurate. I mean, autistic people do pay taxes. Are you thinking of art history majors?”
“What do you mean they don’t date? Does the Kennedy compound not have Netflix? Okay, because David took Abby on a f*cking safari to Africa. And, okay, could Connor be a little more open about dating blondes, sure. But couldn’t we all.”
“Everything this guy said is ridiculous. Autistic kids will never write poems? Well who wants kids to write more poems? That’s something we should be preventing.”
“I mean why even pretend you’re going to study it? We all know you’re going to blame vaccines. This whole thing is more rigged than a golf championship at Mar-a-Lago.”
“You know when commercials say 9 out of 10 doctors agree? This is the 10th doctor.”
on kennedy’s chosen “expert,” David Geier, who was fined 10 grand for practicing medicine without a license
“I mean, this guy looks like the reason second opinions were invented.”
Chieng then set his sights on billionaire government hatchet-man Elon Musk.
“But enough about RFK, let’s move onto Elon Musk. Living proof that autistic people can do anything, including destroy the government.”
“This is why you should switch the settings on your DMs to ‘followers who don’t want to impregnate me only.'”
on musk proposing to impregnate a youtube influencer he’s never met
“I mean, you haven’t met this person, you’re already trying to raw-DOGE her?”
And then there’s Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth, who is continuing his purge of books from military bases—with one notable exception.
“That’s where you draw the line? Like, ‘Yeah, I don’t want one of those woke social justice books, I’m looking for more of a beach read. Do you have Mein Kampf?'”
Stephen Colbert
Colbert took aim at the massive cuts RFK Jr is making at HHS. He also pulled an old clip to suggest a possible explanation.
“See? We don’t need any more funding, we’ve already got a new anti-drug campaign for young people: Just say no—unless you want to see dinosaurs!”
on rfk’s on-tape reminiscences about his Past LSD use
“So look out for exciting new products like Tyson’s Tangy Buffalo Beaks N’ Thumbs.”
on kennedy’s plan to cut food inspection
“HHS is also actively trying to make health officials dumber. They’ve halted efforts to collect data on everything from cancer rates in firefighters to outbreaks of drug-resistant gonorrhea. Which means soon the only source of data will be TLC’s new reality show, Drug-Resistant Gonorrhea Island.”
It’s Easter week, and Stephen Colbert is excited—for a couple of reasons.
“This Sunday, he is risen and you is high.”
on easter and 4/20 lining up this year
And there may be life on another planet! Smelly, smelly life.
“Sooo, it’s space farts. You know what they say, he who smelt it detected the possible signature of alien life on a distant planet.”
on scientists discovering dimethyl sulfide on k2-18b
Jimmy Kimmel
From the economy to interior decorating to even outer space, everything comes back to Donald Trump and his cronies for Jimmy Kimmel.
“Having to dye potatoes because of the high price of eggs is the reason our grandparents left the old country.”
“And for such an anti-DEI sort of guy, you’d think he wouldn’t have the same taste as Liberace, but he does.”
on trump’s all-gold remodel of the white house
“Do you think that Donald Trump knows that King Midas is a cautionary tale?”
“The planet they’re calling K2-18B, they’re naming it after one of Elon Musk’s kids.”
on that discovery of a possibly life-harboring planet
“They’ve done repeated analysis of the atmosphere and they suggest that an abundance of a molecule that on Earth has only one known source that is living organisms, also known as ‘sea scum’ is there. So we may have found a new home for Ted Cruz.”
“It’s only 120 light years away, so off you go, Elon and Jeff. Time to climb into those space dildos and boldly go away.”
“The way things are going, the U.S. has a better chance of being visited by aliens than Canadians.”
on tourism from up north dropping thanks to trump’s threats
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