The first overseas trip of Donald Trump’s second term in office continued to draw the focus of late-night hosts Thursday, what with the open bribes, the napping during state meetings, and his incomprehensible babbling at press conferences about anything that swims into view. Here’s our rundown.
Seth Meyers
Corruption was the theme of Seth Meyers’ A Closer Look on Thursday, with Donald Trump accepting billions from Middle Eastern countries that he’s rightly criticized in the past for being state sponsors of terrorism and/or murderers of American journalists.
“How dare you! Donald Trump didn’t pick Saudi Arabia as his first official trip because his family has billions of dollars in business there. He picked it because he’s making the Hajj to Mecca. He is exploring different religions for a documentary series on NatGeo called Are You There God? It’s Me Donald.”
“So even Republicans are a little queasy about Trump’s Middle East corruption tour. I guess they’re not thrilled about the fact that the three countries Trump visited this week just happen to be places where he’s making—and I believe this is the technical term—fat stacks.”
“I’m sorry, but you can just tell by the name that World Liberty Financial is an obvious scam. That sounds like a company that sells asteroid insurance to senior citizens.”
on trump’s united arab emirates-backed crypto company
“That’s what you took away from your intelligence briefings? It must be so frustrating to get back from a meeting with Trump and your friends ask you , ‘How far did you get on the Qatar report?’ ‘How to pronounce it!’ ‘Did he at least settle on one?’ ‘Nope!'”
“He looks like a turtle who heard a twig snap. Knows it’s bad, still not gonna move.”
on trump falling asleep mid-meeting
“May I ask what is the purpose of this trip? Is it just for you to ramble about things that are in your field of vision? ‘Beautiful marble, flag, flag—plant.'”
on trump once he wakes up
“Whoa dude, play it cool. It makes sense you’re in the desert, ’cause you thirsty as f*ck.”
on trump fawning, “Oh, what i do for the crown prince”
“Oh my God, if this was a wedding, someone would cut the mic. ‘You’re so hot, you’re so hot. Can’t believe you’re taking yourself off the market. Look at how f*cking hot he—[taps mike, wondering why no one can hear him].'”
on trump claiming Saudi Arabia is “hotter” than the U.S.
Stephen Colbert
The Late Show host also had some things to say about Donald Trump’s wobbly Middle East trip—and the honking big military parade he’s planning for himself once he gets back.
“Did the commander-in-chief just call the B-2 bomber fugly?”
on Trump claiming that stealth planes aren’t attractive enough
“‘Look, look, I tell you, if our pilots have to fly an uggo plane, frankly I’d rather lose the whole war.'”
“He wants overwhelming force because this is bigger than D-Day. It’s his B-Day.”
on trump’s planned multimillion dollar military birthday parade for himself
“It’s my birthday slumber party! Okay fellas, let’s play never have I ever. I’ll start. Never have I ever… served in the military!'”
on troops for trump’s parade being warehoused with sleeping bags and one hot meal per day
Later, Colbert moved on to Trump’s new pick for Surgeon General, Casey Means, who, while neither a surgeon nor a general, is a so-called wellness influencer and anti-vaxxer, who claims that taking magic mushrooms helped her find love. Which puts her right in line with Trump’s HHS Secretary, a confessed heroin addict with a brain worm.
“Yes, she couldn’t find anybody before ingesting psilocybin, but now she’s very happily engaged to a wolf head made of prismatic crystals.”
“Many people are skeptical that tripping balls is the right way to find a life partner. Although ingesting psychotropic fungus could be a great way to meet a fun guy.”
“She even hooked up with a couple of them and now she’s got Dutch elm disease.”
on Means’ claim that, while on ‘shrooms, she told trees she “was ready for partnership”
“‘Probably?’ Measles is the most contagious virus known to man. In this century alone, vaccines have prevented 60 million deaths. But sure, probably. And while we’re at it, let’s just change the warning labels on bleach to ‘Poison: Only give your kids a little.'”
on Kennedy’s response when asked if he’d get his kids vaccinated for measles
“I don’t think so either! We’re in complete agreement. So maybe stop giving it out and let us get our medical advice from trained professionals. Someone qualified. Like, I don’t know, a lonely and unlicensed Surgeon General wandering the forest looking to hook up with a sycamore.”
on Kennedy saying people shouldn’t take his medical opinions
Jordan Klepper
Speaking of a septuagenarian president napping during state visits, The Daily Show host, playing clip after alarming clip of Trump rambling incoherently while addressing a group of Middle East defense contractors, hit his big red button to announce, “We’re entering a weave.” Cue sirens and flashing lights, as Klepper attempted to parse the president’s words.
“So Pete Buttigieg should have taken a plane to work?”
on Trump weaving toward the former defense secratary, attacking him for riding his bike to work
“No, no, no, no, no—it wasn’t about lumberjacks! Not about lumberjacks! You were talking about drones. Forget about the lumberjacks!”
on the weave to current transportation secretary Sean duffy and, yes, lumberjacks
“He’s a great Sean? We’re just ranking Seans now?”
on trump weaving from that weave to assert that he’s not talking about sean hannity
“At this point they were like, ‘Can we just give you our bribe and go home?'”
“Look at those faces. This man is a Boeing executive. His planes fall out of the sky and he’s sitting here like, ‘This is a f*cking disaster.'”
“Can you imagine the translator at this event listening to all of this sh*t like, ‘Uh, uh—he says he loves it here?'”
[Pulling out chart] “Okay, so just to recap here. So, we went from drones, to lumberjacks, to Sean Duffy, to Pete Buttigieg, back to Sean Duffy as a sexy lumberjack. And I won’t play the rest for you because he went on for 13 more minutes, with mentions of, and this is all true: the stock market—he got into there for a little bit; Lee Greenwood, obviously; and how the 2020 election was rigged. And in case you’re wondering when he weaved his way back to the drones—he never f*cking did.”
Jimmy Fallon
The head of all U.S. medical services told people not to trust his medical opinions, the Pope gets the all-star treatment, and a coffee chain walkout all figured in the Tonight Show host’s Thursday monologue.
“It’s ironic because that’s actually some great medical advice.”
on rfk Jr testifying that people should not take medical advice from him, the director of the department of health and human services
“My guess is if you collect Pope trading cards, you’re probably more celibate than the Pope.”
on topps’ new pope Leo XIV bubble gum card
“Yeah, it was strange.All the employees walked out and the line moved just as fast.”
on starbucks employees walk out over new dress code rules
“Meanwhile over at Dunkin’, you’re allowed to wear an apron with nothing underneath it.”
“Newark Airport was like, ‘Six minutes? Please, call us when you hit six days.'”
on Denver’s airport being the latest to suffer a major communications outage
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