Thursday night’s monologues saw Jimmy Kimmel and Ronny Chieng take aim at Donald Trump’s “big beautiful bill,” while Jimmy Fallon entertained an audience of navy officers and Stephen Colbert looked forward to the holiday weekend. Here’s our round-up.
Jimmy Kimmel
See if you can guess the common thread between the budget bill, the ongoing air traffic controller crisis, and the fact that a measles outbreak hit a New Jersey Shakira concert.
“Man oh man, if this is the beautiful bill I’d hate to see the ugly one.”
“I’m not sure which part of the bill is the beautiful one. I don’t know if it’s the one where we take food from hungry kids, or the devastating effect it will have on college education, or the trillions of dollars it will add to our national debt, or the over $700 billion in cuts to Medicaid. Either way, say goodbye to grandma.”
“You think this has anything to do with Trump letting a kid named Big Balls fire all the air traffic people?”
“And when you do call, introduce yourself by saying, ‘Hi, I’m the dumbass who didn’t get vaccinated for measles.'”
on medical experts urging shakira concertgoers to contact a medical professional
Ronny Chieng
The Daily Show host also had some not-so-pretty words for Donald Trump and House Republicans’ “big beautiful bill.”
“But maybe BBL was a better name, because this bill is big and mostly ass.”
“Wow, cutting health care and food stamps to people with tax cuts. The only way this could be more cartoonishly mean to poor people is if it says Bob Cratchit has to work on Christmas Day.”
“Do you realize how much four trillion is? No, of course you don’t, because none of it went to education.”
“What’s the benefit to making it slightly cheaper to buy silencers? I mean, is there as assassin out there who’s like, ‘I’ve got my shot lined up but first let me call my accountant to see how this affects my deductions.'”
“I mean, maybe it’s better silencers are more affordable. Now when a mass shooter is going through a classroom, the other classrooms can keep learning.”
Stephen Colbert
The Late Show host veered away from all the budget talk to focus on the potential perils of Memorial Day travel, along with a few jabs at former Fox News host turned U.S. attorney Jeanine Pirro.
“With the FAA snafus recently, airlines are bracing for ‘the summer of hell.’ Or, as Spirit Airlines calls it, summer.”
“At this point, it’s not even safe to feed your baby. ‘And here comes the airplane—Oh God, Oh God! No, his mouth is Newark, pull up!'”
“The weakened value of the dollar is making overseas travel more expensive for Americans. Which explains why Delta has launched their new international flight classes, economy minus, dog crate plus, and standing with the creature on the wing of the plane.”
“We also have an update on Trump’s interim U.S. attorney for Washington D.C. former Fox News host Jeanine Pirro, seen here swearing she’s good to drive.”
“To be fair, I get why she’s upset. Without water in her glass, it’s harder for her to pretend that she’s not drinking vodka.”
on pirro complaining about office water cooler policy
Jimmy Fallon
The Tonight Show audience was packed with service members in New York for fleet week, so Jimmy Fallon spent much of his monologue presenting mock military recruitment ads, with a few timely jokes thrown in for good measure
“Fleet week really is so much fun. It’s a great chance for people to meet service members and check out all the latest planes from Qatar.”
“Over 200 crypto bros in one room. Even Satan’s like, ‘Now that’s hell.'”
on donald trump hosting investors in his crypto currency
“Kim Jong Un was furious after he witnessed a brand new 5,000-ton destroyer capsize during a launch accident. The North Koran navy was like, ‘Sorry sir, the ship looked much sturdier on Temu.'”
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