Missed Monday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.
Chide and Seek
Former New York Governor, former Donald Trump lawyer, and current guy who owes $150 million to election workers he defamed Rudy Giuliani celebrated his 80th birthday this weekend. It was a typical MAGA party, complete with seditious pals like Roger Stone and Steve Bannon, a Sinatra cover band, and presumably all the booze in the world. Oh, and several process servers who, alerted by Giuliani gloating on social media about how successfully he’s been dodging subpoenas for trying to subvert democracy (in Arizona this time), waited until “Happy Birthday” was sung to put the legal documents in Rudy’s baffled hands.
Hubris, thy name, this week anyway, is Rudy. Such a massive self-own was irresistible to late-night, with Jimmy Kimmel opening with a pithily gleeful, “Happy birthday, dummy!”
“Hoo hoo, that was the worst-timed social mead post since Jesus tweeted, ‘Enjoying some delicious hummus at the first of MANY suppers with the most loyal apostles in the game!'”
stephen colbert
“This has to be the second most embarrassing thing that ever happened to Rudy Giuliani. The first being of course the time he accidentally held a press conference outside a dildo store.”
jimmy kimmel
[After noting how “stain-blocking ceiling paint” was on Giuliani’s gift registry] “It’s hard to imagine why Rudy has stains on his ceiling. Because there are so may options, I’m gonna say, post-Franzia poop cartwheel.”
stephen colbert
Alito Bit of Corruption
When photos emerged this weekend of Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito’s house flying an upside-down American flag in the days after the Trump-led insurrection in 2021, people were more than a bit concerned. You know, since that has become a symbol of those who fraudulently claim that Donald Trump is the rightful President, and since Alito is currently presiding over several cases concerning Donald Trump’s literal attempt to overthrow democracy, and since Alito has been bending over backwards to allow Trump’s legal representatives all manner of leeway in all cases relating to the insurrection.
It’s a clear red flag, if you will, that a member of the highest court in the land is deeply compromised and should recuse himself (at least) from all Trump-related cases coming before the Court, according to critics. But Alito had the oldest excuse in the book waiting to defend the fact that a notorious pro-treason flag was flapping outside his house—his wife did it. The judge claims that his spouse Martha-Ann flew the insurrectionist flag in response to the couple’s neighbor having a “F**k Trump” sign on their lawn, resulting in a heated confrontation. As Stephen Colbert noted in his lengthy takedown of the SCOTUS jurist, “Martha-Ann runs up the January 6 flag and then Sam comes from home from work, sees it and is like, ‘Honey, I know you’re upset but we have to take that down immediately. For Pete’s sake, I’m a justice of the Supreme Court’… is what would have been nice to have happened.”
“We live in trying and cynical times. And I just want to start of by saying I believe in democracy, I believe in our constitutional government, I believe in the separation of powers… and I wish the Supreme Court felt the same way.”
stephen colbert
“The Supreme Court of the United States, or ‘SCOTUS,’ continues to shoot itself in the nuts, or “SCROTUS.'”
stephen colbert
“When it comes to January 6 cases argued before the Court, Alito has been highly sympathetic to the mob. That’s like when your couple’s therapist is wearing a shirt that says, ‘Team David.'”
stephen colbert
“There’s no possible justification for a Supreme Court justice displaying a symbol of insurrection at his home. Which is why, when this photo was published, Alito immediately did the right thing, owned up, and blamed his wife.”
stephen colbert
“So Alito clearly knew about this, because he came and went for several days. And to paraphrase my favorite spangled banner, [singing, with hand on heart] ‘the flag was still there.'”
stephen colbert
“So he dropped a dime on his gal, citing the landmark case of Me Just Tryna Live My Life v. Ladies Be Crazy, Amirite?“
stephen colbert
“Okay, that is not nice. But if someone called you the c-word, putting up an insurrection flag… not the response. ‘Oh, you were rude to my wife? Well, we’re Nazis now.'”
stephen colbert
“And by the way, if you didn’t like those jokes, it was my wife’s idea.”
stephen colbert
Like Trump, The Prosecution Rests
The prosecution in Donald Trump’s criminal trial rested on Monday after several weeks of damning, often graphic testimony about that time the former President allegedly falsified business records to hide the fact that he cheated on his third wife with a porn star. With the D.A.’s case made, it was time for Trump’s defense team to start calling witnesses, a seemingly simple act that blew up spectacularly, as the one Robert Costello, a lawyer and former “fixer” to Donald Trump’s former lawyer and “fixer” Michael Cohen quickly ran afoul of the presiding judge, who cleared the courtroom to scold this double-fixer on decorum.
Meanwhile, the usual shenanigans took place. Donald Trump fell asleep again in his seat. Michael Cohen admitted to stealing from the Trump Organization. Donald Trump himself continued to lie about the crowd size of supporters outside the court and violate the gag order against attacking witnesses in his case, seemingly without consequence. As Jon Stewart put it concerning Trump’s heretofore charmed existence in the latter case, “Donald Trump is like a corruption Mr. Magoo.”
“I’ve gotta say, I don’t think a defense has ever been more rested than this one.”
jimmy kimmel
[On the revelation of Cohen’s theft] “It’s nice at the end of one trial when they tease the next trial.”
jimmy fallon
“Only in a Donald Trump trial would the star witness be the one who ends up going to jail.”
jon stewart
“Trump’s lawyers, they’ve been working to paint Michael Cohen as a sleazy liar who’s hell-bent on revenge while conveniently leaving out the fact that Trump used him as his own personal porno Venmo.”
jimmy kimmel
Cancel Vultures
Jon Stewart started off his Monday Daily Show by noting just how much is going on in the world. The President of Iran dead in a helicopter crash. The International Criminal Court readying arrest warrants for both Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and Hamas leader Yahya Sinwar. Then there’s that whole “former U.S. President on criminal trial” thing. Yet Stewart set his sights closer to his part-time reclaimed TV host home, as he went after the insidious force known as “cancel culture” after right-wing TV went on a rampage after Kansas City Chiefs kicker Harrison Butker’s was criticized for his misogynistic graduation speech at Benedictine College.
Stewart went after his favorite Fox News targets for collective hypocrisy about the widely-hyped conservative talking point, even as Stewart went on to “both-sides” the political divide for chasing clicks via “manufactured outrage.” Noting that no group has been more readily excommunicated from public life than those few Republicans who have dared criticize Donald Trump, Stewart marveled at the inevitable montage of right-wing talking heads complaining that conservatives are being silenced, asking, “All of you still speak—how? Doesn’t the woke mob have cable?”
“They’re so full of sh*t that Sean Hannity can say, with a square head, ‘I’m not the kind of guy who gets outraged.’ Sean Hannity. He’s basically just a meatbag support system for a forehead vein.”
jon stewart
[After Fox News’ Laura Ingraham capped off a fear-mongering segment with a stilted, “Be not afraid.”] “Hitting us with that King James sentence structure. ‘Be not afraid.’ People only say that when theres sh*t to be afraid of.”
Jon Stewart
“Their victimhood is their entire brand. They celebrate they’re being silenced at conferences, they celebrate they’re being silenced on podcasts and streaming outlets, they celebrate they’re being silenced with over 700 book titles about being cancelled.”
Jon Stewart
[Following a clip of someone in a booing MAGA crowd shouting, “Show some damn respect!” in response to Mitt Romney criticizing Trump] “‘Show some damn respect Romney, you piece of sh*t motherf**ker!'”
jon Stewart
[Noting how former RNC head Ronna McDaniel was dropped by Trump even after dropping the “Romney” from her name in deference to Trump] “And that Romney name had gotten her into all the hottest clubs in Salt Lake City. Yeah, the ones with lattes.”
jon stewart
Potpourri
“What a great time it is right now to be in New York City. If you see someone on the subway wearing a satin robe, there’s a 10 percent chance that they just graduated.”
jimmy fallon
“I like that there’s a wax figure of Melania. That means that every night there are two Melanias who won’t sleep with Donald Trump.”
jimmy kimmel
[After Trump was seen seeming to lose his words for a full 35 seconds during a campaign speech] “Well, the third Frozen movie doesn’t look great.”
jimmy fallon
[On Donald Trump demanding President Biden take a drug test before their debates] “What are they gonna test him for, sarsaparilla?”
jimmy kimmel
“Do you really want to delay the debate waiting for two old men to pee?”
stephen colbert
“L.A. County is investigating a reported case of hepatitis A at a Whole Foods in Beverly Hills. A spokesperson for Whole Foods said that the hepatitis was 100 percent organic and will cost 300 dollars.”
jimmy fallon
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