Returning to their respective stations for a new week, late-night hosts predictably made a meal of the open bribery of an American president in the form of a luxury jumbo jet gifted from an oil state with ties to terrorism. Here’s our Monday night monlogues run-down.
Seth Meyers
Meyers stared down the Monday morning heap of backed-up Trump news thusly: “As usual, there’s just too much happening. And that’s by design. The Trump administration wants us to feel overwhelmed and exhausted by a million simultaneous outrages so when we speak up about them, they can call us crazy.”
Braving the storm, Meyers waded in to parse all the topics overflowing from Trump’s Monday press conference, in which he: slighted his own appointees Mehmet Oz and Jeanine Pirro as “entertainment people,” outed an overweight millionaire pal, and defended accepting Qatar’s gift of a $400 million luxury Air Force One replacement that he gets to take home.
“First of all, being ‘an entertainment person’ doesn’t seem to be bothering you very much. Pirro is the 23rd current or former Fox News employee hired by the Trump White House. If you work at Fox News right now and you haven’t been offered a job at this administration, you must be wondering, ‘Does he, like, hate me?'”
“In the annals of presidential history, we had FDR’s fireside chats, JFK’s inaugural address, and now Donald Trump saying, ‘My overweight friend takes the fat shot drug.'”
“If you put those words in anyone else’s voice, we would immediately recognize them as senile.”
“This is what Trump does. He creates a problem, then he solves the problem by just undoing the thing he did, then he claims credit for the end result, which is nothing. But on Fox News they call him a genius and if they’re lucky, he makes them, I don’t know, Secretary of Agriculture?”
on Trump rolling back his china tariffs
“That’s insane. That’s like if after France gave us the Statue of Liberty, in 1885, Grover Cleveland got to take it home and keep it in his backyard.”
on Qatar’s gift of that plane, which Trump gets to keep after leaving office
“One, no one thinks you would ever say no to a free plane. Two, they’re not giving it to us, they’re giving it to you! It would be different if Qatar said, ‘Here’s a free two-story luxury jet and every American will be entitled to one free ride to a destination of their choosing.'”
on trump’s defense
Jon Stewart
The Daily Show‘s Monday night host echoed Meyers’ frustration, noting, “So much comes at us every day with him, I can’t even sleep, organize thoughts, eat.” Still, Stewart pulled it together long enough to dig down into the murk and mire of another Monday under Trump. First up—adviser Stephen Miller dropping the fact that the administration is “actively looking into” doing away with habeas corpus, and the press’ inadequate response to the looming threat of the end of due process.
“The United States government is actively looking at suspending due process and the rule of law. That’s a big announcement. Big enough for Stephen Miller to risk bursting into flames because of the touch of God’s sunlight.”
“Just eyebrows? ‘The Trump administration is thinking of tearing up the Constitution so here in Washington, we’re hearing a lot of, ‘Huh.’ One legal scholar even said, ‘That’s weird.'”
on news anchors’ favorite expression
Stewart then moved on to that golden-gilded luxury bribe from Qatar—a country with close ties to China, North Korea, and Hamas.
“What?! Qatar is giving us a plane that Trump gets to keep. He’s like the reverse Oprah. ‘I get a jet! And that’s it.'”
“Oh. Trump’s gonna take a $400 million jet from people he would expel from Columbia University.”
“It’s not a free jet. That’s the point. You know the expression, ‘There’s no such thing as a free lunch?’ That’s about being skeptical of the motives of somebody who gives you a sandwich. A BLT. Now imagine that that BLT has an engine, nine bathrooms, and funds proxy wars.”
Then it was on to Trump’s wealthy, neurotic, overweight friend—who he says inspired him to sign a new executive order demanding that drugmakers lower prescription drug prices.
“That took a turn. ‘Top guy, brilliant, you know him. Famous, bit of a chubs.’ Anyway, I’m sure a public press conference is a rough way for this guy to find out that he is saved in Trump’s phone as Neurotic Fat Friend.”
“Do you read any of your briefings? ‘He takes the fat shot. You know, the fat shot. I got another friend, brilliant, real estate mogul—he takes the dick-stiff pills.'”
“Meanwhile, it feels like a decade ago that they threatened to suspend habeas corpus—it was Friday.”
Stewart closed by noting how Trump’s draconian anti-immigration stance has found its one loophole—white South Africans, who Trump is allowing into the country en masse.
“White South Africans? [Picture of Elon Musk] That’s the only group we’re opening—you already have one!”
Stephen Colbert
Colbert joined in on the late-night pile-on over Trump (aka “a sack of loose skin stuffed with greed”) and his gracious acceptance of the single largest foreign bribe in U.S. presidential history. At least this one has a gold bidet.
“That’s Qatari Air Force One. You know their slogan: ‘Yes, yes, speak louder into the tray table.'”
“And with a gift, of course it’s not the money, it’s the thought that counts. That thought, ‘Let’s bribe the president.'”
“I actually think it’s fitting that the only thing Trump’s going to check out of his library is ‘big plane.'”
on the plane ostensibly being given to the trump presidential library after he leaves office
“Yes, it’s true. Anybody can not take a free plane. I’m doing it right now.”
on trump somehow blaming democrats for not taking free planes(?)
“But you know what? Donald Trump knows that this is America! We do not negotiate with terrorists—we accept what they’re offering, no questions asked!”
on trump himself having accused qatar—pre-plane—of “funding terrorism at a very high level”
Colbert then moved on to Trump’s big announcement that he’s lowering drug costs via executive order. Oh, and that he has a fat friend.
“Nothing more presidential than fat-shaming. It reminds me of that inspiring quote from George Washington: ‘I cannot tell a lie, your ass is enormous.'”
“You did not come up with the word equalizing! If you did, then what has Queen Latifah been doing for five action-packed seasons right here on CBS?”
on trump claiming that he came up with the term “equalizing” with regard to drug prices
Then came Trump’s big China announcement—that he’s rolling back the 145% tariffs he announced last month.
“This is a major victory for Donald Trump. To somehow negotiate his way out of the economy-crippling tariffs put in place—by Donald Trump.”
“What happened to all the wonderful things Trump said tariffs would pay for? He said if we had tariffs, Americans wouldn’t pay any more income tax, tariffs would curb illegal immigration and drug smuggling, they would create more factory jobs, shrink the federal deficit, lower food prices, subsidize child care, and promote world peace.”
Wading further through the Monday news dump, Colbert went after Trump’s appointment of Fox News host Jeanine Pirro as interim U.S. Attorney.
“And I’m sure she’s excited. I hear on Friday night that she drank a whole bottle of champagne. And then someone told her the news.”
“You may know Pirro from her years hosting Judge Jeanine on Fox, where she promoted voter fraud claims, compared January 6 rioters to Revolutionary War soldiers, and got pulled briefly from the network after making Islamaphobic comments. She was later reinstated after Fox realized they didn’t care.”
“It’s not great when Washington’s top attorney can be best described as Lady Giuliani.”
on allegations of pirro’s drinking and the time she was pulled over for doing 119 in a 65 mph zone
“That class? Court-mandated traffic school.”
on Trump claiming Pirro is “in a class by herself”
Jimmy Fallon
The Tonight Show host, too, addressed the Trump mess—before moving on to baby names and yet another air traffic controller outage at Newark Liberty International Airport.
“Everybody’s rightfully focused on the plane, but to me the big headline is that he’ll eventually leave office.”
“The 89 passenger luxury plane has wood finishes, custom carpets, and gold walls. The only thing it doesn’t have is a way to safely land at Newark Airport.”
“It’s never good when you get ghosted by your air traffic controller.”
“The list of the most popular baby names in the United States was just released. This year the most common first name is Liam. And for the eight year in a row, the most common last name is Musk.”
Taylor Tomlinson
The After Midnight host promised her gratefully whooping audience, “As a special treat for everyone, let’s not talk about tariffs tonight.” Instead, Tomlinson joked about convicted Theranos exec Elizabeth Holmes. And the imprisoned blood testing mogul’s boyfriend Billy Evans, who is—wait for it—starting a blood testing company of his own.
“She made it very hard for blonde businesswomen everywhere. She’s the reason I can’t wear turtlenecks.”
“Sort of like when Al Capone was arrested and his wife started a totally separate waste management company. Or when Jeffrey Epstein’s girlfriend was like, I just bought my own island, okay?'”
“Apparently this startup has already gained millions of dollars in investments. You know the old saying, ‘Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice, here’s my blood.'”
“His startup is called Haemanthus, which is Greek for, ‘Hey man, this isn’t sus.'”
“Listen Billy, as a start, if you want people to think your company is super-different, maybe don’t name it like a mythical demon. Theranos and Haemanthus sound like together they were responsible for the fall of Rome.”
“Did Elizabeth Holmes just get on Tinder and make her bio like, ‘Hit me up if you like biking and doing blood scams.'”
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They’re so frustrated? Well, that’s what happens when you go out of your way to attack Joe Biden for the flimsiest of excuses, while not saying anything bad about that ratfucking bitch, Bernie the Bum! Meyers, Stewart, Colbert, Fuckface Fallon, your ilk all fucking had a hand in this, whether you realize it or not!