Donald Trump laying the groundwork for a third term in office got the attention of most late-night hosts Monday night. Mix in a dash of the ongoing Signalgate scandal, Trump’s blooming tariff backlash, and his Greenland fixation, and you’ve got yourself a monologue. Here’s our Monday rundown.
Seth Meyers
Having taken the last two weeks off, Seth Meyers had an overstuffed A Closer Look segment Monday. First up, that whole leaky group chat fiasco.
“You’re the pres… why do we have to explain it to you! Don’t you have advisers who can fill you in? Don’t tell me you’re the one person they won’t invite to the group chat.”
on Trump claiming ignorance when told about signalgate
“‘It just got sucked in’ is a terrible answer when your title is national security adviser. It’s not even a good answer if your title is Dave’s weird friend.”
on mike waltz explanation for how a journalist was added to the chat revealing bombing plans
Meyers segued into how Republicans are coping with the increasingly radioactive fallout at town halls from the national security debacle. (Answer: not well.)
“Usually you only see that kind of reaction from a crowd when they reveal the results of a paternity test. They should start giving these town halls Jerry Springer episode titles like, ‘My Baby Daddy Cheated on Me Then Texted About War Plans!'”
on Rep. Victoria spartz (R-in) being booed for not calling for pete hegseth’s resignation
“Oh I think I do maybe? Because you’re slashing nutritional aid, veterans benefits and Social Security and you expect us to feel bad about a stock price? I can’t believe this is what happened to the ‘f*ck your feelings’ crowd. They went from, ‘Cry more, libs,’ to, ‘Stop making me cry, libs.'”
on elon musk complaining that people are ‘taking joy’ from his plummeting net worth
“Tim Walz is a jerk? M’man, when you run around with a chainsaw on stage, you’re celebrating cutting jobs and benefits. To quote, I believe it was William Shakespeare, ‘The jerk store called and they’re running out of you.'”
While all this is going on, Meyers mocked Donald Trump for directing his energy toward a GOP-commissioned presidential portrait he doesn’t like—and speculating on how might serve a third term.
“Trump loves to imagine himself as a towering historical figure who can intimidate his foes into submission, but in this portrait he looks like a thumb in a suit. He looks like he should be driving a pickle car in a Richard Scarry book.”
“This is also a very classic Trump self-own because if he hadn’t said anything almost no one would have seen this painting. I can’t remember the last Sunday I spent online scrolling through state house portraits of the current president. It’s been months!”
“So all right… people want you to run for a third term which you can’t do, but it’d actually be a fourth term because Biden’s was your second term, but you don’t wanna take credit because he did a bad job during his term which was technically your term, but you had nothing to do with it, so you deserve a third term which is actually your fourth term. Is it possible that Air Force One is actually flying so high they’re losing oxygen?”
on trump’s mid-air explanation
Jon Stewart
The Daily Show‘s Monday evening QB also had some thoughts on the ongoing uproar over Trump officials accidentally texting war plans to a reporter. Bringing out his trusty white board, Stewart compared the Trump administration’s roster of excuses to the five bullet points Elon Musk requires federal employees to submit to keep their jobs.
“Yes! Veterans Affairs, Department of Education, USAID, f*ck you, f*ck you, f*ck you! Because all is right at the Department of Accidentally Texting War Stuff to Reporters.”
on trump claiming he won’t fire any of the officials involved
“That is the coldest ‘My dear friend Mike’ I have ever heard in my life. ‘Anyway Brutus, you were saying about your dear friend Caesar?'”
on J.D. vance appearing to throw mike waltz under the bus
“‘Why you askin’ me, I’m just an innocent passer-by. I didn’t see the accident but I gotta tell you, it looks like classic Mike to me.'”
on trump appearing to do the same
“It’s not ‘somebody’s contact’—it was your contact. And he wasn’t ‘sucked in’ by unseen gravitational forces, you added him to the f*ckin’ chat.”
on mike waltz’s attempt to not be thrown under the bus
“‘You get it, we didn’t endanger troops in a war plan, we endangered them in an attack plan. Who’s the assh*ole now?'”
on pete hegseth’s semantics
Stewart also took an incredulous swipe at Trump’s “I’m not joking” teasing of a third term.
“I’m sorry, ‘considering the option?’ What, are you trying to order off-menu from the Constitution? ‘Oh yeah, I see you got two terms here. Uh, but can I get it animal style?'”
“Although maybe Trump has something more creative in mind with the Vance thing. Have you guys heard of the movie Face/Off? Yeah, so here’s how it’s gonna work. Trump will watch that movie as the military seizes power.”
on trump’s suggestion that vance Could run for president in 2028 and then hand over power to trump
Stephen Colbert
Beginning his Monday Late Show, Stephen Colbert prepared viewers for the looming economic turmoil promised by “liberation day,” which is what Trump is terming his unspecified raft of new tariffs, arriving on Wednesday.
“This isn’t a bull or a bear market, this is ‘Bees! Bees!!'”
“Now ‘liberation day’ is like Independence Day, in that in that we’re the only country celebrating and somebody’s probably gonna get some fingers blown off.”
“That’s right, all countries! That means you, Federated States of Micronesia! Free ride’s over, buddy. Sure, this may raise the price some Americans pay for their Mariana fruit bats, but we’ll finally start manufacturing fruit bats in America again!”
on trump refusing to rule out any countries for new tariffs
“Yeah, sounds like they’ve got a great new slogan. In three months they’ve gone from MAGA to TIT.”
on economic advisor Peter navarro saying the new mantra is “trust in trump”
“It’s not enough he’s destroyed so many of our cherished institutions, now he’s coming for Toyota-thon.”
on predictions that new cars prices will rise
“Which means the most popular car model will soon be public bus. You know their motto, Public Bus: How Come the Seat’s So Warm?”
The Late Show host also tackled that whole “third term” thing.
“If you don’t like Trump tariffs, and not many people do, don’t you worry. One day he won’t be president… maybe.”
“What kind of headline is that? Who cares what he ‘won’t rule out?’ I won’t rule out lying down on the Krispy Kreme conveyor belt and letting the glaze just take me, but that doesn’t mean it’s gonna happen. The Constitution forbids it.”
on how the press is covering the issue
Moving on from economic chaos to that wrought by Trump’s executive orders, Colbert took aim at Trump’s escalating threats to Greenland and his “anti-woke” attacks on institutions.
“You kiss your couch with that mouth?”
on J.D. vance saying greenland is “cold as sh*t” on his trip there
“That is terrifying. Trump is threatening to bomb Greenland into gravel. As opposed to what it is now: ice and gravel.”
“That is just awful. The Smithsonian is renowned for giving us an unflinching examination of America’s complicated history. Plus astronaut ice cream.”
on trump demanding the smithsonian eliminate “race-centered ideology”
“Okay, somebody get out the spray paint. I want those pandas either all black or all white.”
on trump demanding the same form the national zoo(?)
Jimmy Fallon
“Sure that’s easy to say when you work from home.”
on trump statng he “couldn’t care less” if his tariffs cause higher car prices
“Trump was like, ‘Some people might have to switch from riding in new limousines to riding in slightly older ones.'”
Fallon also chimed in on Trump’s third-term plans, complete with ready-made campaign slogans.
“‘I edited the Constitution with a Sharpie and the Donstitution says it’s legal'”
“‘Remember how awesome it was to have a president in his 80’s?'”
“‘It’s totally legal, according to new Supreme Court Justices Jake and Logan Paul.'”
And in maritime news…
“Yeah, a sub filled with cocaine. Or as it’s known at Blimpies, a number 5.”
on a seized cocaine submarine
Taylor Tomlinson
Catching up with a few non-Trump stories, Tomlinson kicked off Monday night’s After Midnight by announcing, “Here are some headlines that I feel have been overshadowed by the horrors.”
“It’s just like regular breast milk in that, if you’re eating it, you’re probably crying.”
on baby food company frida’s new breast milk ice cream
“Get ready for Frida’s follow-up flavor, Postpartum Pistachio.”
“I mean, this is why Baskin Robbins stopped at 31 flavors.”
“That’s how dystopian things have gotten. The biggest flex we can possibly think of is dental care.”
on a story claiming metal braces are now a status symbol
“First glasses became cool, now braces are cool. High school me really missed the f*ckin’ boat. I am gonna be so pissed if the next cool trend is accidentally calling the teacher mom.”
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