Missed Monday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.
Not Creditable
Donald Trump’s lawyers on Monday announced that their client cannot post the $454 million bond necessary to appeal a New York court’s verdict that the former President spent decades illegally inflating his supposed wealth to banks and insurers. With Trump recently having come up with a $91 million bond earlier this month (thanks to Russia-connected Chubb Insurance) to cover his appeal of a jury verdict that he defamed writer E. Jean Carroll, it appears that creditors are unwilling to extend the “billionaire” any further financial support.
With the late-night Jimmys—Fallon and Kimmel—being the only two hosts on duty this week, it was up to them to shoulder the joke-writing burden of mocking a guy infamous for flaunting his wealth for suddenly being exposed as overextended, abandoned, and facing long-overdue consequences for a lifetime of chicanery and fraud. It’s a tough job, but somebody’s got to do it.
“Today, former President Trump’s lawyers say that Trump is unable to pay the 454 million dollar bond in his New York civil fraud case. In his defense, how is a billionaire ever supposed to come up with half a billion dollars?”
Jimmy fallon
“Trump’s lawyers today told the court they can’t find anyone to put up the 454 million dollar bond he needs to cover what he owes the state of New York. They say they approached about 30 bond companies, none of whom would do business. Gee, I wonder why. Can you imagine that call? ‘Hi, we represent Donald Trump. We were wondering if you could, hello..?’”
jimmy kimmel
“Trump is pretty desperate for the money. Right now if you go on Airbnb, you can rent Trump Tower Mar-a-Lago and Eric.”
jimmy fallon
“I mean, who would ever have guessed that a hard-earned reputation for not ever paying your bills would make it difficult to get credit?”
Jimmy Kimmel
There May Be Blood?
Thematically, that was enough Trump talk for Fallon, leaving the other big weekend Trump news for his fellow Jimmy to cover. That being the former President’s Ohio campaign rally, where Trump made several ominous predictions about the supposed consequences should America once more reject a twice-impeached, legally liable sex criminal and failed insurrectionist come Election Day.
While Trump supporters are in overdrive spinning Trump’s admittedly incoherent segue of automobile tariffs into talk of a post-election “bloodbath,” Kimmel and others are far less inclined to extend the benefit of the doubt, echoing Trump’s post-Charlottesville comments by noting, “Listen, there are very fine people on both sides of the bloodbath.”
“The more this election goes, the more [Trump] talks like Thanos.”
jimmy kimmel
“Trump told the crowd that if he doesn’t win in November, he’s not sure we’ll ever have another election in this country. And if he does win in November, we definitely won’t have another election.”
jimmy kimmel
[On Trump’s former Vice President Mike Pence finally declaring he will not support Donald Trump for office] “While Trump is busy trying to get his oval ass back in the Oval Office, his former Vice Poodle is not being a good boy. It’s like the Stockholm syndrome finally wore off.”
jimmy kimmel
Stupid Smarch Madness
Turning to sports news, Fallon can’t wait to fill out his office basketball pool.
“Of course, March Madness picks have to be in by this Thursday, and… my bracket’s already busted. How did that happen?”
jimmy fallon
“It’s Spring Break and March Madness. This is actually a crazy time for kids and parents. Right now students are on Spring Break like, ‘Dad, can you send bail money?’ And the dad’s like, ‘Depends if UConn makes the Sweet 16.'”
jimmy fallon
“But I can’t wait for March Madness. I can’t wait to see who wins and how it’s connected to a conspiracy about Taylor Swift.”
Jimmy Fallon
Potpourri
“Biden also invited 30 members of the Kennedy family [to the White House]. Look at that, it’s a who’s-who of who won’t be voting for cousin Robert this year.”
jimmy kimmel
“A man in New York had a 750-pound alligator seized from his home. When it’s a 750-pound alligator, I think the pet might actually be you. “
Jimmy Fallon
“St. Fatty had an interview with Fox News yesterday and apparently he’s still stewing about a joke I made about him at the Oscars. Donald Trump said I’m not talented so many times, Eric is starting to get jealous.”
jimmy Kimmel
Receive our daily monologue round-ups via email: sign up here.
