Missed Tuesday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.
Super Snoozeday
With this year’s presidential primary season all but locked up for candidates Joe Biden and Donald Trump, late-night hosts set themselves the task of finding some interesting side-stories for a day when 16 states and one U.S territory headed to the polls to decide the fate of American democracy.
Not that they were scrambling for jokes, but both Stephen Colbert and Jimmy Fallon presented helpful memory tricks to remind viewers which places are holding primaries today. For the record, it’s Alabama, Alaska, California, Colorado, Maine, Massachusetts, Minnesota, North Carolina, Oklahoma, Tennessee, Texas, Vermont, American Samoa, Utah, Vermont and Virginia (some other states are holding one-party primaries or caucuses), which Stephen Colbert immortalized in the handy mnemonic “ACCOUNT MAMA TV VAS,” while Jimmy Fallon introduced the catchy educational jingle, “V.A.M.M.M.U.T.O.V.C.A.C.A.S.T.A.N.C.”
“Today was Super Tuesday, where 16 states and one territory got together to hold an intervention for Nikki Haley.”
Seth meyers
“Taylor Swift told her 282 million Instagram followers to vote in Tuesday’s primaries but refrained from endorsing any particular political candidates or parties. We haven’t seen a celebrity take a stance this boldly neutral since Rob Lowe went to an NFL game with hat that said ‘NFL.'”
stephen colbert
“Today is Super Tuesday, which is exciting because that means tomorrow is Super Humpday.”
Jimmy Fallon
“In a recent poll, almost 50 percent of respondents said they believe it is likely Democrats will replace Biden with another candidate before the election. No! No, they won’t. It’s Trump versus Biden, stop making up election fanfic. ‘Ooh, what if Tom Brady comes out of retirement and runs for president? He can make Gronk Secretary of Gronking. And then they kiss.'”
stephen colbert
“Yesterday in the New Yorker, President Biden said he will beat former President Trump and added, ‘I’m the only one who has ever beat him.’ Well that’s true, unless you count E. Jean Carroll, Letitia James, COVID, the free market, and ramps.”
Seth Meyers
“One 28-year-old told reporters he loves Biden, quote, ‘And I feel like I’m the only one… Does anybody care that I exist?’ You’re not the only one who feels that way. In fact it’s Nikki Haley’s campaign slogan.”
stephen colbert
“Today, Facebook and Instagram experienced a massive outage and went down for over half a million people. All day people were like, ‘If I can’t post a photo of me voting, then what was the point?'”
Jimmy Fallon
[After a clip of Nikki Haley boasting, “I just have one more fella I have to catch up to”] “That fella? My Lyft driver. He’s taking me back to South Carolina where they do not like me!'”
Stephen colbert
Plutocrat Pissing Contest
With the recent Bloomberg Billionaires Index listing the world’s richest people as, in order, Amazon founder Jeff Bezos ($200 billion), Elon Musk ($198 billion), and luxury brand CEO Bernard Arnault bringing up the rear with a mere $197 billion, late-night hosts had some thoughts.
“$197 billion? Okay poor-y. You know, don’t even show up to this year’s Eyes Wide Shut party. Nobody wants to spank you in the gazebo.”
Stephen colbert
“Jeff Bezos said, “It’s good to be back on top.” And Elon Musk said, “You got me this time, Jeff, but I’ll be back at #1 soon enough.” And Donald Trump said, “Absolutely. We’re just three guys with similar amounts of money, having fun, and maybe sharing some of that money with each other.”
Jimmy Fallon
“Congrats, Jeff. It’s the second list you’ve toped this year after Worlds Most Divorced Man.”
stephen colbert
Sinema Closed
Arizona Senator and former Democrat turned Independent Krysten Sinema, polling at a distant third behind Democratic Representative Ruben Gallego and Republican election denier and former gubernatorial nominee Kari Lake, dropped out of her race in front of Tuesday’s primary. In a speech, the controversial politician touted her ability to work on both sides of the aisle, while critics cited the Senator’s close ties to financial interests and her perceived betrayal of supporters in switching parties, scuttling a proposed minimum wage increase and preserving the filibuster in a move many credit with helping overturn Roe v. Wade.
“Krysten Sinema is stepping down to spend more time with her family: Goldman and Sachs.”
Ronny chieng
“I personally actually like that Krysten Sinema taught everyone a very important lesson. That you can’t assume someone’s beliefs based on how they dress. She came on the scene like, ‘Hey everyone, look at my pink tutu! You know I’m liberal!’ And then she walked into the Senate like, “Private equity gets everything! Drill those orphans for oil!'”
ronny Chieng
Potpourri
[On the recent spate of AI-generated images showing Donald Trump smiling with crowds of Black supporters] “Wow, it took the most cutting edge technology to get Donald Trump to hang out with six Black guys.”
ronny Chieng
“The Trump White House would give staffers Xanax and speed without prescriptions. And one patient kept asking them, ‘Is there such a thing as reverse Viagra?’”
Seth Meyers
[After a Florida bar owner claimed to have been the victim of 16 drunken Spring Break stampedes] “Well, that’s what Miami gets for holding its annual running of the Chads.”
stephen colbert
“According to a new survey, at least half of parents keep a pregnancy test or ultrasound image of their child as a keepsake. But be careful, because the Alabama Supreme Court now considers both of those things a person.”
Seth Meyers
[On the Biden administration’s campaign against so-called “shrinkflation” of everyday products] “So you really think Americans will go to the polls to protect democracy? Hell no. But if you promise to protect the number of sprinkles on their Pop-Tarts? Record turnout. “
Ronny Chieng
“Photographers in Hawaii recently captured images of two male humpback whales having sex, in case you were wondering why Mike Pence is trying to shut down the beach.”
seth meyers
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