Missed Tuesday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.
Liquidation Stations
After some 30 creditors unanimously denied Donald Trump a loan to cover the bond necessary for him to appeal his $454 million penalty for decades of financial fraud on Monday, the embattled Republican presidential nominee now faces a deadline of March 25th to pay up. After that, New York Attorney General Letitia James has stated she will move to begin liquidating Trump’s real estate and other assets, including but not limited to a pair of pricey and notable Trump properties.
It’s just one of Trump’s’many and ongoing legal troubles, as the twice-impeached former President and GOP frontrunner also received news that both former mistress Stormy Daniels and former lawyer Michael Cohen will be allowed to testify in Trump’s criminal trial over alleged hush money payments during the 2016 election. As Jimmy Fallon summed up the former President’s predicament, “At this point, Trump’s running for the White House because he literally needs a house.”
“Trump’s pretty desperate for money. He’s this close to starting a GoFraudMe.”
jimmy fallon
“Don’t be shocked in a couple of months if you walk by Trump Tower and it’s a 58-story Spirit Halloween.”
jimmy fallon
“A judge yesterday ruled that Stormy [Daniels] and Trump’s former lawyer Michael Cohen will be allowed to testify. Which means there is a very good chance the court stenographer will have to type the words ‘mushroom’ and ‘penis’ during the trial.”
jimmy kimmel
“This is gonna be a crazy year for Trump. There’s a chance he could lose his properties or go to jail. Or, if you play by my rules, you could land on free parking and get Baltic and Mediterranean.”
jimmy fallon
“If Joe Biden paid $130 thousand to silence a porn star, [Fox News] would be focused on how shaky the handwriting was on the check.”
jimmy kimmel
A Guilty Manafort
With another spate of presidential primaries underway as Jimmy Fallon and Jimmy Kimmel taped their shows on Tuesday, both hosts took aim at one particularly noteworthy—if not at all surprising—development coming from the Donald Trump camp. That being that former Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort, who was convicted of tax fraud, bank fraud, and failing to disclose foreign banking interests in 2018, was in line to join the 2024 Trump campaign.
“Trump is expected to hire Paul Manafort, the former campaign manager he pardoned in 2020 for fraud and tax evasion as a campaign advisor. They hope that hiring someone who’s been convicted of fraud will make Trump look less fraud-y by comparison.”
Jimmy fallon
“This is the guy who gave polling data to Russian intelligence and then got pardoned by Trump. Well, Trump wants Manafort to help oversee the Republican National Committee. Who better to run your election camp than a man who’s unable to vote in that election?”
jimmy kimmel
Bad Double Kate
Like much of America, both on-duty late-night hosts spent time this week speculating on the latest scandal plaguing the figurehead family sort-of ruling our former British overlords. With another round of possibly inauthentic official photos of the long out-of-sight Princess of Wales Kate Middleton making the internet rounds, Fallon and Kimmel joined the scrum of amateur sleuths playing spot-the-royal. As Kimmel put it, “Everybody’s putting together clues to find the princess. Its like an international game of Zelda.”
“This week in the U.S. there have been more Google searches for Kate Middleton than for Joe Biden or Donald Trump. We finally did it, we made America Kate again.”
jimmy kimmel
“It’s nice to know that even the royal family has trouble getting a photo where everyone looks okay.”
jimmy fallon
“It just goes to show how different it is in the U.K. Kate goes missing for a few weeks, the whole country goes berserk. Meanwhile, we haven’t seen Melania since 2021.”
jimmy kimmel
Potpourri
“A new study found that listening to Ariana Grande, BTS, and Harry Styles in your car can make you a better driver. And by that standard the best driver has got to be James Corden.”
jimmy Fallon
“Today was the first day of the NCAA basketball tournament. This is that magical time of the year when the coworker who knows the least about sports wins 900 dollars in your March Madness pool.”
jimmy kimmel
[On rumors that actor Aaron Taylor-Johnson will be the next James Bond] “Everyone’s excited. James Bond is the world’s most popular spy, after TikTok.”
jimmy fallon
[On French Olympics officials’ plans to distribute 300,000 condoms to athletes this year] “Every once in a while the French need to remind the world that being horny is their thing.”
jimmy kimmel
“You can tell it’s the first day of Spring because Boeing just replaced all their faulty doors with faulty screen doors.”
jimmy fallon
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