Missed Tuesday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.
Feel the Kamala-Mentum
In the two days since President Biden dropped out of the race for a second term and passed the torch to Vice President Kamala Harris, the Democratic mood has pulled a sharp 180. If Lisa Simpson famously was forced to ask then candidate for office Monty Burns why his campaign was like a runaway freight train, Harris’ momentum is no laughing matter. In the first day and a half, the Harris campaign has out-raised every presidential candidate in history, has picked up enthusiastically non-Lisa-like endorsements from major Democratic players, and has already secured enough pledged delegates to become the presumptive nominee in advance of the August 22 Democratic National Convention.
Call it a honeymoon period if you’re feeling cynical and/or cautious about a last-minute switcheroo candidate halting Donald Trump and the MAGA GOP’s full-on assault on American democracy. But if candidate Harris’ first few days on the trail are any indication, it’s one of those really great honeymoons where everything is comped, the weather is perfect, and nobody gets bitten in half while swimming by one of those sharks Trump is so infamously terrified to encounter. With only three late-night hosts on duty this week (Stephen Colbert, Jimmy Fallon, and Kimmel’s hand-picked vacation stand-in, New Girl and Fargo star Lamorne Morris), the relative lack of sweaty chaos that led up to Biden’s withdrawal from the race allowed the comics to relax a little with the overdue prospect of a little positivity for a change. As Colbert noted with some wonder, “She became the presumptive nominee in 48 hours! To put that in perspective, it’s been more than three years and we still don’t have a new James Bond.”
“Yeah, Kamala is a hit and I think I know why. She’s way younger than Trump and wears less eyeliner than J.D. Vance.”
jimmy fallon
[After noting that some 60 percent of Harris’ million or so individual donors this week are first-time donors] “First of all, welcome to democracy, my friends. Your donation comes with a great reward—a thousand emails saying, ‘Stephen, I’m asking one last time.'”
stephen colbert
“She’s already secured the votes of enough delegates to secure the nomination and she raised more than a hundred million dollars in the first 36 hours of her campaign. Now there’s only one other Black woman who’s made that much money in a weekend, and that woman’s name is… Tyler Perry.”
lamorne morris
[After organizers had to petition Zoom to raise the cap limit after more than 44 thousand Black women joined a Kamala Harris fundraising call] “Wait a second, you can just call Zoom and ask them to do stuff? ‘Hello Mr. Zoom? Can you make it look like I’m paying attention when in actuality on another tab I’m browsing boat accessories?'”
stephen colbert
“Today, Kamala held her first campaign rally and said that the election is a choice between freedom and chaos. Basically, it’s a choice between the White House at 2 p.m. and a Waffle House at 2 a.m.”
jimmy fallon
[After a Harris rally clip saw Joe Biden telling Kamala via speakerphone, “I’m watching you, kid. I love you.”] “Isn’t that lovely? Isn’t that nice? He’s an inspiring disembodied voice encouraging the next generation to defeat the dark side. He’s Joebi-Wan Kenobi.”
stephen colbert
“Kamala raised 81 million dollars in 24 hours. She would have raised even more but Melania hit her daily withdrawal limit.”
jimmy fallon
[Watching a roundtable of white media types trying to decipher Charlie XCX’s “Kamala is brat” endorsement tweet] “Because nothing says ‘I’m hep to what’s hip’ like printing out a meme and putting on your reading glasses.”
stephen colbert
“All of their kids were watching like, ‘If you want to know what the definition of ‘cringe’ is, this is it.”
jimmy fallon
Be Careful What You Wish For
After hammering away at President Biden for being old (a tactic echoed by much of the mainstream media now singing Biden’s praises), Donald Trump finds himself flailing in his efforts to attack Vice President Harris. His middle school insulting nickname game has never been weaker (“Laffin’ Kamala?” Really?), the massive outpouring of financial support and renewed voter enthusiasm has him rattled, and the prospect of having to have a live televised debate with a former prosecutor who historically eats fraudulent criminals for breakfast can’t be helping the GOP nominee any, either.
Ranting in invariably misspelled social media posts (it’s “polls,” not “poles”) can only relieve the flop sweat so much, especially since, while Harris has picked up an immediate influx of serious cash from big donors like Netflix board chair Reed Hastings just today, onetime Trump pal and fellow social media blowhard Elon Musk announced he’s backing out of his alleged $45 million a month pledge to help Trump retake the White House. Is it wrong to take enjoyment from a twice-impeached adjudicated rapist and traitorous bigot flounder impotently while the Democrats are surging? That’s between you and your god.
“Well Donald, if your really want to steal [President Biden’s] thunder, all you have to do is drop out.”
stephen colbert
“Trump’s so panicked he was wiping away sweat with classified documents.”
jimmy fallon
[Responding to Trump’s flurry of anti-Harris posts] “Adding, ‘If anybody’s looking to purchase about 50 thousand Lets Go Brandon t-shirts, give me a call. For every box sold, I’ll throw in a classified document.”
stephen colbert
[After it was revealed that Trump gave $5,000 to Kamala Harris’ Attorney General campaign] “Or, as Fox News is reporting it: ‘Bombshell! Kamala Harris took money from convicted felon.'”
stephen colbert
[On Fox News figures pushing a “Biden is dead” conspiracy theory] “Let me tell you something, trust me. If Joe Biden were dead, I, Lamorne Morris, would have heard about it. Because after all, I am the director of the North Hollywood chapter of the Illuminati.”
lamorne morris
[After Béyonce granted the Harris camp permission to use her song “Freedom”] “And you can tell Trump is jealous because he just asked Lee Greenwood to learn the ‘Single Ladies’ dance.”
jimmy fallon
[After Trump made the same “Biden doesn’t remember exiting the race” joke two days in a row] “Uh, do you remember making that joke yesterday? ‘Joe’s Biden’s memory is so bad he doesn’t remember what he just said. And Joe’s Biden’s memory is so bad he doesn’t remember what he just said. And, when you think about it folks, it just occurred to me, Joe Biden’s memory is so bad.'”
stephen colbert
[After a Trump representative responded to a reporter’s question about Morris’ Monday night Trump jokes with, “Who is Lamont Morris?”] “‘Who is Lamont Morris.’ Now here’s the thing, I don’t know who Lamont Morris is. But if you think he’s the one telling all these Trump jokes, then… let’s go with that.”
lamorne (not lamont) morris
[On Trump’s new nickname for Harris] “‘Laffin’ Kamala, experiencing joy like a total freak. The call her Capable of Human Emotion Harris, the Not Dead Inside Veep.She’s not at all sad, folks, and we all know what that is. Sad.'”
stephen colbert
And What’s the Deal With Airlines, Amirite?
“Doesn’t it feel like you can never get a handle on which airline is the bad airline? Like, right now we think it’s Delta, but then next week some friend of mine will tell me, ‘United lost my bag and my father-in-law.'”
lamorne morris
“Spirit Airlines just fired two gate agents in California for yelling at passengers to shut up. Who’s yelling at a Spirit Airlines gate agent? When you choose to fly Spirit, you’ve manifested that destiny.”
jimmy fallon
“Apparently, Delta can’t find enough pilots to fly their planes right now. That’s real. You know things are bad for Delta when the passengers wish they’d booked a flight with Spirit Airlines.”
lamorne morris
Potpourri
“I gotta say I’m very honored to be here, I truly am. The fact that Jimmy personally picked up the phone to call his agent, who had his assistant text my manager, who DM-ed my Pilates instructor, who she then posted a meme asking me to host?” [Wipes away tears.]
lamorne Morris
[Rebutting complaints about a rushed presidential race with examples of countries—England, France—with strict limits on the length of campaigning] “So we’re not rushing, okay? We’re just doing this election Euro-style. We can all fill out the ballots with a baguette while sitting on one of those toilets with the butt fountain.”
stephen colbert
[On reports that the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile flipped over in Chicago] “By the way, side note, ‘I crashed the Wienermobile’ is also the worst way to tell your partner you finished prematurely.”
lamorne morris
“There’s a new device called the Swype that’s a combination smart phone and vape. Yep, a combination smart phone and vape—if you buy it with crypto, you can complete the d-bag trifecta.”
jimmy fallon
“PornHub has decided to pull their site out of Nebraska because they’re upset the state passed a new age verification law. Now luckily for PornHub, not too many people live in Nebraska, you know? I’ve seen videos on PornHub with more people in it than live in Nebraska.”
lamorne morris
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