Tues Night Monologues: A Cold Day in Court

Missed Tuesday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.

Trying Our Patience

The criminal trial of Donald Trump continued on Tuesday, as witnesses continued to spell out just how vast was the conspiracy to keep potentially damaging (and sleazy) details of then-candidate Trump’s various affairs from impacting his election chances. It’s going to be a long, weird ride for us all, so late-night hosts picked apart everything from Trump’s daily mid-testimony nappy times, to his complaints about everything from the judge-imposed gag order to the temperature in the courtroom, and even his attacks on his own lawyers.

With each day’s testimony seeming to implicate Trump further and further in a felonious web of election fraud and hush money payments, perhaps one could be excused for feeling a little pity over the defendant’s inability to keep his eyes open. Or you could be like Jimmy Kimmel, who kicked off his nightly jokes at Trump’s expense by noting, “I guess Teddy Dozevelt is tired again from all the winning.”

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“So either he’s falling asleep again or he’s doing that little kid thing where he thinks if he can’t see you, no one can see him.”

stephen colbert

“Eric Trump attended his dad’s porn star hush money trial today. Which in the Trump family is as close as you get to playing catch in the yard.”

jimmy kimmel

[On Trump’s strategy of denying he slept with any of the women he paid hush money to] “So he paid out hundreds of thousands of dollars so his wife wouldn’t find out he didn’t have an affair. ‘Melania, this is gonna be hard for you to hear but you’re not the only woman I’m not having sex with.'”

stephen colbert

“Trump was so cold he came this close to hugging Eric for warmth.”

jimmy fallon

[On Trump repeatedly calling the courtroom an “icebox”] “Even Biden’s like, ‘It’s called a freezer, you old man.'”

jimmy fallon

[On rumors Trump is ordering his lawyers to go on the attack against the jurors, opposing counsel, and the judge] “Not sure that’s the best legal strategy. ‘Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I may be a simple country lawyer but at least I’m not fugly like you jagoffs. And Your Honor, if it please the court—ninja star!'”

stephen colbert

Leaky Gag

One concrete outcome of Donald Trump’s trial was Tuesday’s decision by Judge Juan Merchan to finally slap a fine on Trump for repeatedly violating the gag order intended to keep him from attacking the jurors, court officers, and their families. Sure, New York law only allowed for a $1,000 fine for each infraction, but the judge did dangle the prospect of locking Trump up should he violate the gag order further.

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[On Trump’s relatively meager gag order fines] “Now, $9,000 may not seem like a lot to a successful businessman, but what about to Trump?”

stephen colbert

“Trump spends $9,000 at he Wendy’s drive-thru.”

jimmy kimmel

“The judge lamented that that was the most he could legally fine him, warning that if Trump keeps violating the gag order, jail may be a necessary punishment. I don’t know if it’s necessary for Trump, but I need it.”

stephen colbert

[On the judge threatening jail time should Trump continue to mouth off] “Melania was like, ‘Don’t let the judge tell you what to do!'”

jimmy kimmel

[On Trump’s nine counts of violating the gag order] “Trump was like, ‘But I get the 10th one free, right?'”

jimmy fallon

Democracy, Schmerocracy

As critics have pointed out with increasing alarm, the ultra-right-wing Heritage Foundation is essentially writing American democracy out of the picture with its ominous-sounding Project 2025. Adopted almost verbatim by Donald Trump as GOP policy should he win a second Presidential term, the slate of anti-democratic, anti-woman, anti-LGBTQ+, anti-immigrant, and anti-anything not subservient to Donald Trump policies is terrifying enough in the broad outlines. But when Trump himself spells out his understanding of what America should be, as he did this week in Time, it’s even more stark. Let Jimmy Kimmel lay it out for you.

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“We’re getting more details of what four more years of Trump might look like, courtesy of Trump himself. He sat for an interview with Time magazine, where he laid out his priorities for a second term and it’s quite a His Kampf, I tell you.”

jimmy kimmel

“Trump says, and this is all true: He would carry out a deportation operation to remove more than 11 million people from the country. He says he would use the military to build migrant detention camps. He would let red states monitor women’s pregnancies and prosecute those who violate abortion bans. He would, at his personal discretion, withhold funds appropriated by Congress. He would fire any U.S. Attorney who wouldn’t carry out his order to prosecute. He’s weighing pardons for everybody who attacked the Capitol on January 6. He said he might not come to the aid of an ally in Europe or Asia if he felt that country wasn’t paying enough. He would gut the civil service. He would close the White House pandemic preparedness office, and staff his administration only with those who believe the election was stolen from him. And when they asked about dictatorship, he said, ‘I think a lot of people like it.’ And he’s on the cover of Time magazine. He should be on the cover of Doing Time magazine.”

jimmy kimmel

Potpourri

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“Three zebras that escaped on a Washington state highway over the weekend were recaptured by authorities and a rodeo clown. Which, I’m guessing is still not enough for that rodeo clown’s parents to be proud of him.”

seth meyers

“[Travis Kelce] is now the highest paid tight end in the NFL, deservedly so. His new contract is worth $34 million, or as Taylor Swift calls it, gum money.”

jimmy kimmel

[On college’s crackdown on students’ protests against civilian deaths in Gaza] “That is the kind of idealism you learn in college. It’s one of the few college lessons you can use your whole life. Unlike beer funneling, which you stop being able to do around 35 when your wife catches you.”

stephen colbert

“Dave & Busters has announced it’ll allow customers over 18 years old to bet on arcade games. And if you wanna gamble at Chuck E. Cheese, eat the pizza.”

seth meyers

“Walmart just announced that they’re closing all of their health care clinics. Great, now I’m going to have to get my prostate exams at TJ Maxx.”

jimmy fallon

“After South Dakota Governor Kristi Noem revealed in her upcoming memoir that she killed her puppy, an ally to former President Trump said it’s impossible for Noem to be selected as Trump’s Vice President. After all, they can’t have her sitting next to an old yeller.”

seth meyers

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