Missed Thursday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.
It Was the Best of Speeches, It Was the Most Insane of Speeches
Last night, both President Joe Biden and former President and convicted felon Donald Trump gave speeches. Biden’s was a somber yet inspiring Oval Office address in which the 81-year-old retiring head of state explained his decision to withdraw from the pivotal 2024 election by telling the nation, “I revere this office, but I love this country more.” Stephen Colbert aptly noted of Biden’s address, “That humility and self-sacrifice is so beautiful and patriotic, and a refreshing change from the last guy.”
Trump supporters—assuming any such people watch The Late Show—were no doubt offended by that final, perhaps cheap shot at their candidate. After all, 78-year-old Donald Trump was giving a rally speech at the very same time, wasn’t he? Oh, boy, was he, as the twice-impeached adjudicated rapist currently awaiting trial on treason charges and sentencing for committing fraud to cover up his extramarital affair with a porn star wowed his crowd with a typically unhinged screed composed of remedial middle school insults, classless attacks on his opponents, and the return of his obsession with fictional serial killer and cannibal, Hannibal Lecter. (Whom, Colbert makes the compelling case, Trump may not realize isn’t a real person.) Choose wisely, America.
[Imitating Trump “workshopping” new insulting nicknames for presumptive and surging Democratic nominee Kamala Harris] “‘K as in Kamala, A as in Amala, M as in Malala, A as in Ahhh!, L as in Lyin’ Kamala. L-Y-I-N-apostrophe, oh God I’m back at the beginning again.'”
stephen colbert
[On President Biden’s speech] “President Biden addressed the nation last night about his decision not to seek reelection. Biden said it’s been the honor of his life to serve as our President, and that Nancy Pelosi can kiss his Black ass.”
jimmy kimmel live guest host lamorne morris
“Things got off to a fun start when president Biden said, ‘My fellow Americans, Kamala is brat.'”
jimmy fallon
[After Trump told his jeering crowd not to “be nice” to “dangerous” Democrats] “[Checks watch] National unity, time of death: 6:20 p.m.”
stephen colbert
“Biden spoke for 11 minutes about his decision to drop out of the race. The only hiccup in the speech was a guy off camera yelling, [in Trump voice] ‘Please get back in the race!'”
jimmy fallon
[On Trump resurrecting an old catchphrase to attack Harris] “That’s a 10-year-old reference. ‘Kamala, you’re fired. Stop trying to make fetch happen, Kamala. Clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose, it’s true. This guy came up to me with tears in his eyes, great big guy, says to me, Whassapp.'”
stephen colbert
“It was a very graceful speech and then Biden surprised everyone by announcing his candidacy for 2028.”
jimmy fallon
“Now Trump said a lot of crazy stuff, but there’s an explanation for that. He crazy.”
stephen colbert
[After Trump, mocking those wondering why he keeps referencing Hannibal Lecter in speeches, refers to Lecter’s adventures as “real stories”] “No, those are real movies. ‘Saw a real story about a hot ginger mermaid. No legs, so sad. Made a terrible deal with a nasty octopus woman, I think it was Rosie O’Donnell, not sure. Now her only friend is a musical Jamaican crab. Crabs are pouring into our county by boat folks, by thingamabobs. Let me tell you, they got whoosits and whatsits galore.'”
stephen colbert
[After Trump falsely claims Harris “wants to outlaw red meat” with an incoherent accusation of some sort of Democratic cow/human genocide plot] “So if I understand him, and I hope I don’t, cows only exist because we eat them, but people exist—so someone must be eating people. But who could that be… [Clip of Trump extolling the ‘late, great Hannibal Lecter].”
stephen colbert
J.D. Vance: Homosectional?
Look, making up outrageous lies about the supposed sexual proclivities of someone truly loathsome is never okay, you guys. At least that’s what Stephen Colbert pretended to believe about the internet-spawned rumor that, in his widely debunked memoir Hillbilly Elegy, Trump VP pick and charisma black hole Vance wrote about a youthful dalliance with a piece of family living room furniture. There are a whole lot more sordid details, but—as noted emphatically—the whole thing is bogus and so there is no reason whatsoever to go into them. (Okay, he screwed a rubber glove in between two sofa cushions—except that never happened.)
Humor-wise, perhaps there’s some validity in amplifying an obviously untrue rumor as a way of deconstructing the public’s current gullibility regarding misinformation. Or to simply throw out a cheeky “f**k you” to those on the right who routinely engage in such sucker-baiting tactics. Regardless, there is plenty—and we mean plenty—of 100 percent true creepy stuff J.D. Vance has actually said concerning sex, liberals, women, LGBTQ+ people, domestic violence, childless people, non-white people, and basically anyone against whom this smirking little creep and GOP ticket anchor thinks he can score MAGA points.
[On said “sofa-schtupping” rumor] “Where does someone even get an idea like that. I blame those filthy Ikea instructions.”
stephen colbert
[On the Associated Press debunking Sofa-gate] “Of course not, JD Vance is a very religious conservative. He knows it’s Adam and Eve, not Raymour & Flanigan.”
stephen colbert
“This just shows how big a problem misinformation can be. Even a well-meaning fact check can wind up amplifying a false story. So all of us—all of us, please—have a responsibility to stop the spread of vicious rumors like [turns dramatically to camera] J.D. Vance had sex with a couch. Because it’s simply not true. Which is why we have to refuse to use that hashtag [back to camera] #CushionPushinJDVance. And that’s why I certainly won’t perform the juvenile chant: ‘J.D. Vance is sittin’ on a couch/His pee-pee hit the zipper and ouch.'”
stephen colbert
“There is one troubling twist to this story, because, as of this morning, the AP had removed their fact check. Which can only mean one of two things. Either the original story does not meet the AP’s rigorous standards or [dramatically to camera again] J.D. Vance had sex with a couch.”
stephen colbert
“Trump’s running mate, J.D. Vance has a negative net favorability rating. His favorability rating is a negative six. I’m not even sure how that’s possible. Here’s a list of things polling higher than J.D. Vance: sun-warmed egg salad; the ‘Lice Outbreak’ email from your kid’s school; and finally, those people who use the word ‘Fri-yay.'”
jimmy fallon
She’s Kamala For You, Donnie
Meanwhile, Joe Biden’s hand-picked replacement Vice President Kamala Harris continues to rake in cash, endorsements, and the sort of actually enthusiastic rally crowds where old white people sport “Blacks for Trump” shirts.
[On a Texas crowd chanting “Bring it on!,” echoing Harris’ battle cry to save democracy] “They are so fired up—or they are voting on what movie to watch after the rally.”
stephen colbert
[On a poll showing Harris leading Trump 60 percent to 40 percent in the coveted 18-34 voting demographic] “Oh yes, we youth love Kamala Harris! Dab on, my riz kings, I am one of you. Or I will be after this vacation.”
stephen colbert
[On the media proclaiming “the summer of brat is over” after the media failed to comprehend what Harris supporter Charli XCX was talking about] “Brat summer is dead. Goodbye, brat summer. We hardly knew what ye meant.”
stephen colbert
Authors for Illiterates
Both Donald Trump and his wife Melania are hawking upcoming memoirs. And while both books will no doubt take their place in less-discriminating bookstores beside the Trump Bible, Jimmy Fallon had some questions about marketing heavily ghost-written books from a couple that clearly loathes each other to people so fond of books that they are actively campaigning to burn them.
“It’s historic, Trump is the only person who writes books and gets booked in the same year.”
jimmy fallon
[On the former FLOTUS’ self-titled book] “She went with Melania because Les Misérables was already taken.”
jimmy fallon
“At Melania’s request, her book and Trump’s book will be in the same store but sold in separate sections.”
jimmy fallon
Potpourri
“Best Buy just refreshed its brand with a new color palette and a holographic spokesperson named Gram. Best Buy wants everyone to know they’re the cutting edge place to buy CDs and DVDs.”
jimmy fallon
[On his last night as guest host] “But I’m leaving here with memories that will last a lifetime. And about $4,000 worth of sound equipment.”
lamorne morris
“A dog missing for nine years was just reunited with his owner in Las Vegas. [Shows picture of the mostly hairless elderly chihuahua] You know you’ve been in Las Vegas too long when your dog starts stripping.”
jimmy fallon
[On his upcoming role in Spider-Man Noir] “As someone who is about to enter the Spider-Verse and face a lot of scrutiny from comic book fans, I’d just like to go on the record and say that everyone who goes to Comic-Con is a total hottie, they are so great, and their costumes are oh-so cool, and they are all so very good at sex. Also please don’t hurt me.”
lamorne morris
On the Summer Olympics] “It’s that special time when the whole world comes together to ask, ‘What the f**k is rhythmic gymnastics?'”
lamorne morris
Receive our daily monologue round-ups via email: sign up here.
