This is it: The first-ever list of the best and funniest late-night jokes of the year, as assembled and selected by a crack, dedicated, late-night viewing team of one, based solely on that one person’s opinion of the jokes that really worked this year.
Full disclosure: I can’t claim to have seen every late-night joke from January through December of this year (nor do I remember all the ones that I have seen). But I do have my favorites. I also had help from some kind folks from some of the shows, who assembled and forwarded some of their own favorite jokes for consideration. My selections follow below, ordered by date.
Like any good end-of-the-year list, we’re going to top it off with the selection of the supreme, unparalleled, and unchallengeable, Late Night Joke of the Year 2024.
Because everybody always finds the exact same things funny, right?
Jon Stewart: “[Trump and Biden] are the oldest people ever to run for President, breaking by only four years, the record that they set… They are at the age where there are no more age-related milestones to hit. They’ve got their AARP card, they’ve got Social Security, they’ve got their movie discounts. There is no ‘wait till you get to 88, you get to drink and drive.”
The Daily Show (2/12/24)
Stephen Colbert: “Yesterday Trump met with Polish President Andrezej Duda… Who is sucking up to Trump? Duda, Duda. That’s right, how long did they meet? Oh, all the Duda day?”
The Late Show With Stephen Colbert (4/18/24)
Stephen Colbert, on South Dakota governor and infamous puppy killer Kristi Noem: “Noem wrote that on the way home Cricket attacked her neighbor’s chickens. Governor, if you don’t like untrainable animals that wolf down chicken, I have bad news about your party’s nominee.”
The Late Show with Stephen Colbert (4/29/24)
Stephen Colbert: “In 2010 RFK, Jr. went to the doctor because he was experiencing some cognitive symptoms like memory loss and mental fogginess as well as a tiny voice in his head going (in tiny voice): ‘Let’s see, what white wine goes best with cerebellum?’”
The Late Show with Stephen Colbert (5/8/24)
Colin Jost, cold-reading a joke written for him by Michael Che on ‘Joke Swap’: “Chat GPT has released a new feature inspired by Scarlett Johansson’s voice character in Her, which I have never bothered to watch. Because without that body, what’s the point of listening?”
“Weekend Update,” Saturday Night Live (5/18/24)
Jimmy Fallon: “Last night was the 40th MTV Video Music Awards. There were great performances from stars like Eminem, Sabrina Carpenter, and Chappell Roan. Sadly, Snoop Dogg couldn’t be there because (imitating Donald Trump) ‘People in Ohio are eating all the dogs.’”
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon (9/12/24)
Seth Meyers: “According to the Dept. of Agriculture, there has been a surge in the country’s number of black farmers.”
Amber Ruffin: “And this time, it’s by choice!”
“Jokes Seth Can’t Tell,” late night with Seth Meyers (9/12/24)
Jon Stewart: “I’m not here to fact-check the former President, but Arnold Palmer was not ‘all man.’ He was half-man, and half-lemonade…but it’s true when he came out of the shower the other golfers were like [polite clapping]. ‘Talk about a dogleg.’”
The Daily Show (10/21/24)
Jimmy Kimmel: “If there is a single image that we will look back on and say, this defines what America was going through in 2024, I think it will be the Republican nominee for President dancing to the song YMCA in a garbage man costume.”
Jimmy Kimmel Live! (10/31/24)
Desi Lydic: “We have had two qualified, distinguished women nominated for president and both times they lost to the worst man in the whole country. At this point it’s starting to look like we’re going to get every other first before we get a first woman president. First Amish president, first Wahlberg president—hey, there’s no rule that says a dog can’t be president, as long as it’s a boy dog.”
The Daily Show (11/6/24)
Taylor Tomlinson: “But I’ve got to say, it is an honor to be on television while women are still allowed to be.”
After Midnight With Taylor Tomlinson (11/6/24)
John Oliver: “Trump was using the same mantra as Bill Clinton did in 1992. ‘It’s the economy, stupid.’ Also: ‘By the way, I happen to be good friends with Jeffrey Epstein.’”
Last Week Tonight With John Oliver (11/10/24)
Jimmy Kimmel, on Trump nominating Fox News morning show host Pete Hegseth as Secretary of Defense because of the power he projects: “There’s nothing more intimidating than a morning talk show host. It’s why Regis was so valuable to JFK during the Cuban Missile Crisis.”
Jimmy Kimmel Live (11/13/24)
Jimmy Fallon: “I’m a little nervous because there’s a 30-year-old age gap between Jake Paul and Mike Tyson. Think of it the other way around: If Mike Tyson was boxing Al Pacino.”
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon (11/14/24)
Jimmy Fallon, after Netflix’s glitch-filled Tyson-Paul fight: “It was a frustrating night. Every time the picture froze people yelled, ‘This sucks!’ And then the picture unfroze, and people yelled, ‘This sucks!’”
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon (11/17/24)
Michael Che: “Elon Musk’s new Department of Government efficiency posted a job listing saying they are looking for people willing to work 80+ hours a week for no money. You can’t be surprised that the white African guy’s first idea is slavery.”
“Weekend Update,” Saturday Night Live (11/16/24)
Seth Meyers: “President Biden today presided over the annual White House Turkey Pardon. Well, he didn’t exactly pardon them. He just turned them over to Merrick Garland and it kind of petered out.”
Late Night with Seth Meyers (11/25/24)
Seth Meyers: A 100-year-old man and 102-year-old woman in Philadelphia have set a Guinness World Record for world’s oldest newlyweds. And if you wanna know where they’re going for their honeymoon—heaven?”
“Surprise Inspection,” Late Night with Seth Meyers (12/10/24)
And now the top of the heap, A-Number One, King of the Hill, the joke of the year. Selected because it got the biggest, most sustained laugh on television after 11pm in 2024:
Jimmy Kimmel, closing the show at the 96th Oscars: “I was told we have an extra minute and I’m really proud of something, and I was wondering if I could share it with you. I just got a review.”
[ Pulls out his phone and begins reading.] “‘Has there ever been a worse host than Jimmy Kimmel at The Oscars? His opening was that of a less than average person trying too hard to be something which he is not, and never can be. Get rid of Kimmel and perhaps replace him with another washed up, but cheap, ABC talent, George Slopanopoulos. He would make everybody on stage look bigger, stronger, and more glamorous. Blah. Blah. Blah. Make America Great Again.'”
“Well, thank you President Trump. I’m surprised you’re still watching. Isn’t this past your jail time?”
The 96th Academy Awards (3/10/24)
Your personal laughter may vary.
Every joke told on the number one rated late night talk show, Gutfeld!, are funnier than any of these. You ought to watch it sometimes!