Monday saw a late drop-out by Jimmy Kimmel and the start of a dark week for Seth Meyers, so there were only four late-night hosts left to comedically process Donald Trump’s attacks on the Taylor Swift and Bruce Springsteen, the press selectively reporting on presidential mental declines, A.I., and Tom Cruise.
Stephen Colbert
The Late Show host played catch-up Monday night, recapping a weekend’s worth of news out of the Trump White House, including the requisite post-midnight social media attacks on A-List celebrities.
“Hope you had a good weekend. The president spent it settling back into the White House after his Middle East all-you-can-bribe buffet.”
“He was having such a good time with the princes and the palaces and the marble and the gold, and the special souvenir he wants to bring home, obedience to leaders on punishment of death.”
“First of all sir, keep my best friend’s name out of your filthy nugget-hole.”
ON Trump Calling Taylor swift “No Longer hot”
“Have you noticed how she hasn’t gone to Kansas City Chiefs games since February? Am I the only one? Also, Taylor hasn’t gotten a single Christmas present all spring.”
on swift’s sold out concert tour having ended six months ago
“What are you doing? Attacking Bruce is like attacking America itself. I haven’t seen a politician be this tone deaf since Herbert Hoover’s campaign slogan, Apple Pie Sucks and So Does Your Mom.”
“Pretty bold to say someone else’s skin has atrophied when your own complexion could best be described as ‘tandoori catcher’s mitt.'”
on trump’s insults
“That is chilling. And you know right now in Hollywood, some agent is getting this phone call: ‘Why am I not on Trump’s list? Why does Oprah get sent set to all the good gulags? Listen, I went to Juilliard, why can’t I get arrested in this town?'”
on trump claiming celebrities criticism of him is somehow illegal
Then it was on to Homeland Security chief Kristi Noem’s pitch for a reality show where immigrants to America compete for citizen ship on a reality game show.
“I know that sounds dystopian. But to be fair, that’s how citizenship has always worked. In fact my great-grandfather actually won the first season of So You Think You Can Dig the Erie Canal.”
“Yeah, and anyone who thought about this for six seconds would know this is The Hunger Games.”
on the proposed producer claiming anyone who thought about his show “for five seconds” would know it’s in no way like the hunger games
Colbert then continued his study of newly elected American Pope Leo XIV.
“Because, as Catholics know any spirit other than missionary is a sin.”
on the pope’s urging for catholics to promote unity and “a missionary spirit”
Jon Stewart
The Daily Show host came out first with sympathy over former President Joe Biden’s revelation that he is battling an aggressive form of prostate cancer. Then he got to work excoriating CNN’s Jake Tapper and the rest of the news media for hawking Tapper’s book claiming a coverup about Biden’s mental decline while in office now—while ignoring the obvious mental decline of a certain current president.
“Don’t news people have to tell you what they know when they find it out?”
on Jake tapper teasing his book about joe biden
“To be fair, when you forget a white guy’s name, Steve is a good guess.”
On biden reportedly calling longtime staffer Jake Staffer by the wrong name
“‘It’s so hard. Such a difficult time. Unfathomable in terms of the pain his family must be feeling. And yet, if you act now. And if you use the code /tapthatbook…”
on cnn anchors hyping their colleague’s book while reporting news about Joe BIden’s cancer diagnosis
“Forgetting about the fact how f*cking weird it is that the news is selling you a book about news they should have told you was news a year ago for free, it’s just fun to watch them not just continue to push this book in light of this difficult news, but to also frame this difficult news as more of a reason to buy this book.”
“I wonder if Truth Social sent him a security alert. ‘We noticed some suspicious humanity on your account. If this was in fact you, President Trump, please reply ‘Nancy Pelosi’s husband is gay.'”
on trump’s uncharacteristically sincere social media response
“To be fair, I think if Biden was in Stage 9, we should have found out about that.”
on trump later telling reporters we should have known about the former president’s stage 4 diagnosis (there being no stage 9)
“And he’s the one that’s fine, right? There’s no book coming out on him.”
Jimmy Fallon
The Tonight Show host spent most of his Monday monologue hyping up his first guest, Mission Impossible star Tom Cruise.
“Apparently Tom just performed his most terrifying stunt ever, he flew into Newark Airport.”
“To him that’s a stunt. To the rest of us, that’s boarding group D on Sprit Airlines.”
on cruise hanging off the wing of a plane in the movie
“Meanwhile for another stunt in the movie, Tom had to hold his breath for over six minutes. Once again, for him that’s a stunt, for New Yorkers that’s riding the subway.”
“Two hours. At a certain point, Putin was like, ‘Ugh, this could have been a hacked email.'”
on donald trump’s phone call today with russian dictator Vladimir putin
“The Knicks eliminated the Boston Celtics to advance to the next round. And after the game, things got crazy. Rowdy Knicks fans went down to Penn Station and caused $3 million worth of improvements.”
Taylor Tomlinson
The After Midnight host got real about artificial intelligence.
“The app is called Closure, but I think it should be called And Another Thing…”
on an A.I. app pretending to be the person who ghosted you
“The only difference is that the chatbot and the person who ghosted you is that the chatbot can’t run or distract you with its body.”
“Yeah, great idea, Fortnight, let Darth Vader say stuff. Because if there’s one thing I know about gamers, they are super respectful.”
on SAG-AFTRA suing the video game franchise over A.I.
“Darth Vader’s voice actor James Earl Jones had signed over his voice rights for future Star Wars productions but I don’t imagine his voice would be used like this, okay. This is like donating your body to science and finding out they’re using your assh*le to develop funnier farts.”
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Take your fucking insincere sympathies for Biden and shove them deep up your fucking ass, Jon Stewart! You never liked him, you went out of your way to shit all over him as much as possible, and now you think you’re an expert on dementia. You didn’t fucking deserve him for your president, and now you’re gonna feel the full effects on what your fucking around will find out for you!😠😡🤬