Missed Monday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.
Wannabe Trump-tator
With Donald Trump now the lone Republican candidate left in the presidential race, late-night hosts are leaping to keep the former President’s most alarming statements in the public eye by amplifying some of Trump’s most disqualifying statements when it comes to holding the highest office in the land.
Armed with recent quotes from Trump administration officials like former Secretary of Defense Mark Esper relating how Trump inquired about ordering the National Guard to shoot Black Lives Matter protesters, Jon Stewart interpreted Trump’s position on the Constitution as, “Well, there can still be freedom to assemble. The assembly’d just be more of a pile.”
[On Trump’s claim to ‘absolute immunity’ with regard to his actions while in office, including theoretically murdering political enemies] “I don’t want to be a nitpicker, but I do not remember the assassination episode of Schoolhouse Rock.”
Jon Stewart
“According to [former Trump Chief of Staff] John Kelly, in private, Trump—how can I put this delicately?—loves Hitler. In fact, Trump told Kelly, ‘Well, Hitler did some good things.’ And the category is, ‘Phrases that should end your candidacy and/or birthday party.'”
Stephen colbert
“Kelly bravely asked Trump which good things Hitler did, and Trump responded, “Well, he rebuilt the economy… and that’s the end of his story as far as I know.'”
Stephen colbert
[After Trump made a campaign rally prison rape joke after suggesting journalists should be locked up] “I believe it was Thomas Jefferson who once said, ‘Our liberty depends on of the freedom of the press—though obviously, as with any right, there is some wiggle room for non-consensual ass-f**king.'”
jon stewart
“You think Facebook is the enemy of the people? Dude, have you ever been on Facebook? Everyone’s uncle is on there and they love you.”
seth meyers
[On Trump envying Turkish President Erdogan’s ability to arrest anyone without explanation] “That’s called a dictatorship, sir. In a democracy, it can be hard to put even a guilty guy in jail. For instance, uh, what’s his name?”
stephen colbert
[After Trump, at another rally, promised cheering crowds that they should be able to shoot suspected thieves on sight] “What the f**k are we doing? You know I’m pretty sure that shooting a guy on suspicion of stealing a pair of khakis violates not only the Constitution but the Ten Commandments and also the Gap employee handbook.”
Jon stewart
[After John Kelly broke the news to Trump that Hitler’s generals, rather than being ‘loyal,’ tried to assassinate him several times] “So it turns out the Nazis had a bit of a dark side?”
stephen colbert
You Can’t See It
With one of their colleagues tagged to host Hollywood’s biggest night over the weekend, late-night hosts were eager to both send congratulations to Jimmy Kimmel and to run down some of the most, um, revealing moments from Oscar night. A major topic of Monday’s monologue jokes was John Cena’s nude appearance (but for an obscuring envelope) introducing the Best Costume Design award, prompting Kimmel himself to relate his struggles with ABC to get the cheeky bit on the air.
“Every network has what they call an S&P Department,” explained Kimmel helpfully, “Which stands for ‘scrotum and penis,’ and adding, “It’s always an honor to be asked to host an event you otherwise would not be invited to.”
“They kept demanding that they make the envelope bigger and bigger. First of all, I have to say congratulations to John Cena. Very rarely does an idea literally push the envelope.”
jimmy kimmel
“I mean, God bless John [Cena]. I could never do something like that. If I did, I’d win the Oscar for Best Short.”
jimmy fallon
“It’s a good thing he held onto that card, ’cause we might have seen his Maestro, if you know what I’m sayin’. His Poor Thing, if you catch my drift. His, uh, his Oppen-penis.”
Stephen Colbert
“Oppenheimer was the big winner, taking home seven awards including Best Picture. While the award for most paused picture went to John Cena.”
Jimmy Fallon
[After Donald Trump posted an Oscars rant on social media during the broadcast] “We had John Cena on stage naked and somehow Trump still managed to be the biggest dick of the night.”
jimmy kimmel
GOP SOTU Hangover
After President Joe Biden delivered what polls and critics alike deemed a striking and passionate State of the Union speech last Thursday, Fox News and other conservative Donald Trump boosters changed tacks. Instead of returning to their previous accusations that Biden suffers from dementia, critics decided that the energized speech indicated that Biden was on performance-enhancing drugs.
Meanwhile, the same Biden critics have assiduously avoided discussing the government report revealing that Donald Trump’s White House was “awash” in freely-prescribed drugs, with a Pentagon report providing proof that Trump’s White House Medical Unit routinely doled out everything from Xanax and Adderall to fentanyl, opioids, and speed. Similarly, those same outlets continue to downplay the GOP candidate’s frequently erratic campaign trail behavior. As Seth Meyers put it, “This is just me, but I’d much rather the White House be super into ice cream than, I don’t know, opioids?”
[After Trump mocked President Biden’s stutter in a campaign speech] “Wow, you really wanna go there? First of all Biden didn’t stutter like that. Second, if you want to make this a word-talkin’ contest, you are one of the weirdest speakers in human history.”
stephen colbert
[On Rudy Giuliani’s claim that he’s consulted with multiple doctors concerning Joe Biden’s mental fitness] “So you talked to a bunch of doctors who told you all the symptoms of dementia. Are you sure they weren’t your doctors? I would say the first sign of dementia is going in for a doctor’s appointment and thinking you’re the one interviewing the doctor.”
seth meyers
“Biden’s back, baby! I know that all the haters have been out there, talking their s**t. ‘He’s too old! He’s too weak! He won’t make it! He won’t be able to stand!’ I see you haters, I know who you are!” [Pulls out hand mirror and checks his reflection]
Jon Stewart
“When the Biden team heard [Sean] Hannity say the phrase ‘Jacked Up Joe’ that many times, I bet they said, ‘Thank you for the kick-ass new nickname.’”
Seth meyers
“We only have two candidates left, and they have starkly different messages. Biden’s message is, ‘Vote for me because Trump is terrible.’ Trump’s message is, ‘Vote for me because I am terrible.'”
stephen colbert
“Now, we can’t legally say that Trump is on drugs, but he does look like every side effect from a drug commercial. Sweats like crazy, gets cotton mouth, has trouble seeing the teleprompter, and glitches like his brain is an exploding Rube Goldberg machine.”
seth meyers
[On Trump’s mid-broadcast Oscar rant] “He wasn’t getting any attention, he couldn’t stand it, and so then the Adderall McFlurry kicked in.”
jimmy kimmel
“Nobody’s ever needed to say ‘I’m not a doctor’ less than Jesse Watters.”
seth meyers
Potpourri
“Airbnb has banned indoor home security cameras, so now if you want to be creepily spied on you’ll have to stay at Motel 6.”
Jimmy Fallon
“That’s Marjorie Taylor Green at the State of the Union looking like she got fired by a Russian airline for wearing too much flair.”
seth meyers
“Yesterday, the U.K. celebrated Mother’s Day. Or as they call it, ‘Bangers and Mum.'”
stephen colbert
“Toward the end of the broadcast, Donald Trump… wrote, ‘Has there EVER been a WORSE HOST than Jimmy Kimmel at the Oscars? His opening was that of a less than average person trying to too hard to be something which he is not and never can be.’ This was also his wedding toast to his son, Eric.”
jimmy kimmel
“Republicans keep coming up with better messaging for Biden than Biden does. He co-opted the Dark Brandon memes and made them a staple of his campaign. Meanwhile, Democrats came up with the slogan—and this is real—’Together we will defeat Donald Trump. Again.’ Here’s how you know a campaign slogan sucks—when it’s two sentences. That’s like if Obama’s was, ‘Yes we can. Can win an election I mean.'”
seth meyers
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