Missed Monday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.
Trans-parent Hypocrites
With Easter taking place this past Sunday, the usual suspects swung right into the holiday spirit in the only way they know how—seeking out non-controversies to get performatively offended by. Fox News and other bad-faith practitioners seized upon President Biden’s Sunday message of support for the trans community on the International Transgender Day of Visibility to vent some predictable ire. (Some also made time for similar “Biden is anti-God” attacks aimed at the White House Easter Egg Hunt, for good measure.)
Apart from the fact that trans people exist, what could Fox pundits, Republican politicians, and other internet trolls have against the President publicly embracing a community increasingly endangered by thuggish bigotry and violence? Well, this year’s celebration happened to fall on Easter, a coincidence most anti-trans complainers accused of being “anti-Christian,” despite the holiday always being celebrated on March 31, while Easter (following as it does old pagan natural cycles) changes dates every year. Stephen Colbert enlisted his audience to mock the manufactured outrage, playing a game of call-and-response where his studio audience explained the Easter formula in unison as, “the first Sunday after the full moon that follows the spring equinox.”
“I’ve got some bad news for people upset that another thing was celebrated on Easter this year, because it’s going to keep happening. In 2029, Easter’s gonna fall on April Fools Day. ‘Oh, so my religion is a big joke to you, is that what it is?!'”
stephen colbert
“And smoke ’em if you got ’em, because just next year Easter falls on 4/20. ‘There you go. Oh, the liberals want to turn Jesus into some long-haired, sandal-wearing, bearded hippie who’s all about peace and love. Groovy, man!'”
stephen colbert
‘House Speaker Mike Johnson criticized President Biden for designating yesterday Transgender Day of Visibility, and said the White House “betrayed the central tenet of Easter.’ Oh buddy, that happened years ago. [Shows picture of Donald Trump at the White House Easter Egg Hunt] Trump’s holding up this bunny’s arm like he just won Easter by knockout.”
seth meyers
“How dare they dishonor the true spirit of Easter! When Jesus laid colorful eggs for his apostles to find!”
stephen colbert
[After noting the egg hunt rules were the same under Donald Trump] “Oh my God, those poor guidelines. They had to be in the worst place in the world—under Donald Trump.”
stephen colbert
And a Crappy Easter to All!
While Joe Biden’s Easter message was a sincere and succinct, “Happy Easter. May God bless and keep you,” Donald Trump uncorked an all-caps screed on Sunday against all those he feels have wronged him. Trump’s Truth Social rant (one of 70-plus on Sunday) included personal insults targeting the court officers prosecuting him in multiple criminal and civil trials, President Biden, and, to be sure nobody was left out, “THOSE MANY PEOPLE THAT I COMPLETELY & TOTALLY DESPISE.”
Most of the late-night hosts, perhaps feeling themselves sub-tweeted in that last part, suggested that the former President and current defendant might be missing the whole point of the holy occasion, pointing to his uniformly enraged 70-plus social media posts on Easter Sunday, with Stephen Colbert deadpanning on his April 1 show, “Donald Trump also had a beautiful Easter message… April Fools!”
“Not only did Trump not mention religion in his screed, everyone who read it took the Lord’s name in vain. ‘Jesus F**king Christ with this guy.’”
seth meyers
“He posted 77 times on Truth Social yesterday. Like, if that was your dad, you’d have him put away, right?”
jimmy kimmel
[Pausing after reading out Trump’s entire, all-caps tirade] “… And also with you.”
Stephen colbert
“He posted 70 times on Easter! What’s in the baskets at the Trump family Easter egg hunt, Cadbury Meth Eggs?”
seth meyers
The Ugly Truth Social
Speaking of Donald Trump’s social media platform, the start of trading on Monday saw the overvalued public offering of the struggling site tanking, hard. As expected when TikTok exec Jeff Yass’ last-minute bailout pumped up the floundering platform’s value to absurd heights at the end of last week, Truth Social lost at least an estimated billion dollars in -on-paper value by the end of Monday, as the stock went into free fall amidst revelations that Trump’s PC-free pet Twitter clone lost some $58 million last year, on earnings of only $4 million.
“What a shock that the stock price of a company with no profits or success of any kind is falling.”
seth meyers
“Truth Social’s stock tanked so fast they’re changing the name to Twitter.”
jimmy fallon
“The way things are going, Trump’s going to have to start selling a deluxe version of the Bible with the dictionary attached.”
Seth meyers
“As a result of the stock tanking, Trump’s net worth dropped two billion dollars. Trump’s so panicked, he’s now selling copies of the Torah.”
jimmy fallon
“According to new SEC filings from Truth Social, in 2023, on revenues of just 4 million dollars Truth Social lost 58 million dollars. How could that be? They have such a business model: Old rapist yells at Easter.”
stephen colbert
“When he heard another one of his business was tanking, Trump was like, ‘They blow up so fast.’”
jimmy fallon
Potpourri
“In order to settle a privacy lawsuit, Google has pledged to destroy millions of users’ browsing data. And based on your silence it sounds like there are some very relieved people.”
jimmy fallon
“Former President Trump, in his second term, is planning to implement anti-racism protections for white people. And if you’re waiting for me to say, ‘April Fools!,’ keep on waiting.”
seth meyers
“Former President Trump this morning apologized for posting an image of President Biden hog-tied on the back of a pickup truck and said it was inappropriate. Now, April Fools.”
seth meyers
[On many news networks’ refusal to show the Trump-posted image of President Biden] “Aren’t you the same networks that show reruns of 9/11 every year?”
Jon stewart
[On the Hillary Clinton-produced women’s suffrage musical Suffs] “A musical about women desperately fighting for their rights. It’s set in the historical time period of today.”
jimmy fallon
[After his vacation, comparing public restrooms in Japan to America] “It’s like the whole country is Disneyland and we’re living at Six Flags.”
jimmy kimmel
[After a story on artificial intelligence where an exec explains, “This is like productivity but without the tax of more people.”] “Ah, the people tax. Formerly referred to as ‘employees.’”
jon stewart
“French scientists are warning that Camembert cheese and brie cheese are on the verge of extinction. They tried everything, they just can’t get them to mate.”
jimmy fallon
[On Lara Trump’s new music single] “She is threatening to release one new song every week until she achieves her goal of marrying her father-in-law.”
jimmy kimmel
“According to a new report, aides believe that Donald Trump is planning on drawing out his running mate selection process, “Apprentice-style.” Though based on what happened with Pence, it may end up being more like Survivor.”
seth meyers
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